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Urban doesn't want the ice cream truck, Jimmy gets a shiner, and your Thanksgiving Emergency Cards!
Thought #1- If someone offered to hook you up with an ice cream truck in the 1970's, you'd probably be stoked. You could drive that thing around, attract mad kids, and be fairly successful making money. Today, ah, not so much. Kids don't really buy ice cream from trucks these days and frankly the guys who are still driving them around neighborhoods are pretty freaking creepy. Kids go to Cold Stone now, they pay 7 bucks to watch some other kid roll their ice cream around in some chopped up health bar, plop it in a cup, and sing them a jingle. Times have just changed.
Urban Myer is probably going to get offered an ice cream truck here real soon. As Charlie Weis stands with one foot already out the door, he's probably going to, at least behind closed doors, be offered the head coaching position at Notre Dame. Now just like that ice cream truck, if this were 1970 or even 1980, this would be a tempting offer. Kids would be all over it, begging Urban for a bomb pop or a Nutty Buddy. Problem is, its 2009, and kids aren't really digging push ups and they also aren't digging the Irish. On top of that, Urban is currently in charge of the Cold Stone Creamery of college football in Florida, and is making a darn good profit at it. Right now his currently pitch line to potential players is, "Did you watch the National Title game last year? Yeah I was that guy holding the trophy at the end." Done deal, where do I sign sir? Does Notre Dame really think he is going to trade that in for a future of combing neighborhoods in that old truck, trying to chase down kids and sucker them into thinking a $4 Sponge Bob Popsicle is better than a tub of chocolate with cake batter and peanut butter cup mix ins? Good luck with that Irish, I'd work on fixing up that truck before I expected to get a high quality driver.
Thought #2 - So you know you had a bad weekend anytime you have to rock sunglasses at work on Monday. No matter what the reason is, if you've got to sport Ray Bans in order to feel comfortable with people seeing you on Monday, something went terribly wrong on Saturday. Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen knows exactly what I'm talking about. Jimmy showed up to practice today rocking the tinted vision in an attempted to hide a sweet shiner he picked up early Sunday morning leaving a restaurant just off campus. Reportedly he was "sucker punched" by a "fan" as he, his girlfriend, and family left the restaurant around 2 am. So not only does your team lose the Senior night game, you also get lit up, and to top that, your family and lady are there to see it go down. It's one thing to punch a guy without him looking, but to do it in front of his mom and dad? Wow, nice loyalty Domer. You're team will have a far better chance of winning now that the QB has one eye swollen shut. Yeah, and Urban Myer wants what part of this program?
On a side note, who eats dinner with their folks at 2am? 2am meals on college campuses have a long standing history of ending up making a 4am reappearance. Not exactly what I would want my star QB going through mid-season, even if it is family related.
Thought #3 - He's back! The real Ron Artest is officially returned making his appearance last night on the Jimmy Kimmel show wearing nothing but his underwear. There's an element of comfort in this for all us NBA fans. I mean serious, who was this guy who was taking people out and buying them things and having little pleasant dinners with random families in LA? I don't know that guy. I know the guy who shows up in his boxers for a TV spot, I know the guy who tries his best to sell random R&B cds out of the back of his car to reporters, and I know the guy who other players feared because of his ability to spontaneously erupted and kick your tail. That's the Artest I know, the one tittering on the edge of crazy. Thats the one I'm comfortable with.
Thought #4 - So Thanksgiving is in two days, which means you eat, you sit, and you watch football until you can convince yourself you can pound more sweet potato casserole without passing out. In the midst of this glorious occasion you may encounter a problem though, the game could very well suck. This typically isn't a huge problem because just the sound of football as your nod off into your turkey coma is enough to keep you happy, but if non-fan in your family notices this, you could be in trouble. You could very well be facing the question of, "why are we watching this game? you don't even like the Cowboys," or "the score is 34-6, the Lions aren't going to win and the kids want to watch the Wiggles." Listen, if you aren't prepared with a quick answer, you're going to be trying to snooze through a Hanna Montana sing-a-long, impossible. With that in mind I have compiled a list of cards you can play to keep the sweet sounds of the pigskin humming as you crash.
Card #1 - The Family Tradition card. This card works best when played in connection with an elderly loved one, who for whatever reason is not present. "Oh I wish Uncle Joe could have made it this year, we used to sit and watch these games together all day. He loved his Lions and he loved us kids." Now you have to be careful here. If another relative disputes the claim you will be screwed. Also, you don't want to play up their missing the event to much or you could end up on a 6 hour weekend drive to visit Uncle Joe.
Card #2 - The Alumni card. Pick a random player from either of the teams and start to describe them as a friend you knew from high school. Pick someone who doesn't play much, so you can justify watching the whole game to see if he is going to get some playing time. You're going to need a minimum of three decent experiences with this person, try a variety, don't go all core subjects it sounds shady. Also, if you want to add something about that person over coming horrible odds to be successful in life, that will really add creditability. * Warning: Will NOT work if your significant other is also an alumni of your school.
Card #3 - The Economy card. Clearly with the economic state of the country, and especially Detroit, it would be un-American to not support them by watching this game. You are only doing your part to help people survive. If you can mix in some unemployment stats with this that will help too. Be careful though, if you drag this concern to help out to much you're going to have to do some major back tracking on Friday when you try to avoid the bell ringers outside of the mall.
Card #4 - The Life Lessons card. This card is a little tricky, but you can navigate it if you are crafty. Simply explain that football teaches young men and women valuable life lessons such as, teamwork, determination, and work ethic. Now the hope here is not that you have to actually explain this, the hope is that the kids begging to watch "A Wiggly X-mas" will quickly get beat with your life lessons and decide to go outside and try to set leaves on fire or something. So don't make to much sense and try to sound as self righteous as possible. Just be careful, you could be talking your way in to being asked to be a scout leader.
Ok, there are your four options. Put them in your tool belt and play them with care. Remember, it's very hard to use them in back to back years, so just be mindful of which ones you pull out.
If all else fails you can always take the batteries out of the remote, sit on them, and pretend to be asleep, so they can't move you to look for them. Yeah it's kind of dishonest, but it's better than watching that "Air Buddies save Christmas" special.
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