The Back Porch

Sunday Morning Coming Down: Oct. 2

Football weather is officially here! Time for the hoodie to it's return as the daily staple of your wardrobe and time you justify slamming that third order of chicken wings as a tactic for staying warm. It's a grand time of year.

But enough about my love for the seasonal changes, let's get to some post game day thinking!

After Party Thoughts:

The SEC West
All the other AQ conference winners should really just win a spot to play a team from the SEC West in a bowl game.

Between Alabama's 38-10 romping of Florida, Arkansas' 42-38 comeback win over future conference brother, Texas A&M, Auburn squeaking one out yet again, 16-13 over South Carolina, and of course LSU rolling with ease over Kentucky, is there a better division of teams in the country? Better yet, is there a more powerful over all conference than just that side of the SEC? Nope.

It kind of makes you feel bad for whoever wins the SEC East. Congrats, you just earned the right to add a late season loss to either LSU or Bama to your resume. Enjoy.

Buying Clemson?
I buy Clemson, but in the same way I buy pumpkins. This time of year they are fun to have around, they look great, but by that first week in November I expect they'll have turned all brown and shriveled. That is if they escape being smashed by the 10-year-old hooligans in my neighborhood. Come on parents, get with it.

Yes, I know they have a list of wins against impressive football names, including Saturday night's 23-3 man-handling of Virginia Tech, but really how much stock can we put in those teams? An Auburn team that seem to steal more games than they win. A Florida State team sans E.J. Manuel. And a Virginia Tech team, who let's face it, has played one really good team, Clemson.

I'm not saying they aren't good. They are. For now. I'm just saying pre-Halloween Clemson and post-Halloween Clemson may very well be completely different teams.

Badgers continue to impress
As the weeks of the season add up, so does the of people who claim they saw this Wisconsin Badgers team coming. Now I will say that I did label them as a sleeper in my season preview, but honestly, that's a spot I give to teams I think CAN succeed, but not necessarily WILL succeed. So count me among the more honest, slightly shocked, folks.

By the way, you know it's a good day when your quarterback's 255 yards and two TDs is barely mentioned because of your running back's 151 yards and four scores. Obviously Russell Wilson and Montee Ball's stat line in the Badgers 48-17 dismantling of Nebraska.

RG3 is EVERYONE'S sleeper for the Heisman
Robert Griffin III has replaced Kellen Moore as the guy everyone tells you they want to vote for in the Heisman race, but then no one really votes for.

Despite Baylor getting edged 36-35 by K-State, Griffin's 346 yards passing and five TDs on 23-of-31 attempts will keep him in the conversation and will keep folks on TV thinking they are blowing our minds each time they say, "I'm going to say something crazy here. Robert Griffin III should win the Heisman. Yup, I'm just edgy like that!" Be honest. There is no way a Baylor Bear is taking the Heisman. There is no way you are really casting that vote, no matter how awesome Griffin continues to be.

So go ahead and keep being that guy who tells all his buddies if he won the lottery he would just assume invest a dependable Ford Taurus, rather than splurge on Porsche. We'll pretend we believe you.

Sunday Morning Coming Down: Week 2

Thanking the Irish
I am and you should be too. Michigan's Saturday night debut under the lights would have been fairly uneventful if Notre Dame hadn't gone LeBron James on itself and failed to show up for the entirety of the final quarter. Yeah, there was a brief glimmer of hope when Tommy Rees hit Theo Riddick in the closing minute to give the Irish the lead, but it was coughed up when the Wolverines' Roy Roundtree (wish his name was Richard) snagged a pass in the endzone from Denard Robinson.

It turned out to be the best finish of the day and for that, I will be sending Brian Kelly a nice fruit basket.

Memo to the defensive backs of Notre Dame: It might be a good idea to know where the ball is from now on rather than just running around looking aimlessly down field.

This of course helped Michigan's Denard Robinson prove he wouldn't let the new pro-style offense slow him down, as he threw for 338 yards and four touchdowns, while rushing for 108 and another score.

Georgia still the "cute" friend
Just because you hang out with the hot girl group, doesn't automatically make you hot. That's not such an easy thing to internalize, I mean who really wants to be the "cute" girl in that crowd? But that's exactly what Georgia has been in the SEC over the past few years and what they looked like yet again in Saturday's 45-42 loss to South Carolina.

Even Steve Spurrier admitted the Bulldogs outplayed the Gamecocks, but when you allow a 276-pound defensive end to score not once, but twice, the scoreboard tends to not light up in your favor.

Mad props to USC's Melvin Ingram who scored a 68-yard punt return and on a fumble recovery. Dude shouldn't just get a touchdown dance, he should get to have a picnic in the endzone if he so chooses.

Despite Aaron Murray tossing a career-high four TDs, the Bulldogs couldn't overcome being "cute" for a second straight week and dropped to 0-2.

Oh and by the way, Marcus Lattimore is still just as sick as advertised. 176 yards and a TD on 27 carries sick.

Martinez quietly rolling
Nebraska's Taylor Martinez is to Denard Robinson what Boo Berry is to Count Chocula. Same basic formula, comparably amazing, but a lot harder to find press on.

Yesterday the sophomore quarterback's 219 yards passing and 166 yards rushing in the tenth-ranked Huskers' 45-52 win over Fresno State marks his seventh game of breaking the 100-yard mark in both the air and on the ground. More important to Nebraska fans though was his 46-yard TD, which sealed the victory over a Fresno team which refused to realize it was a Fresno team.

Same old Virginia Tech
Solid defense, struggling to find some much need offensive fine tuning. The Hokies held East Carolina's air raid offensive, which put up 37 points on South Carolina last week, to just 112 yards in the 17-10 Virginia Tech victory.

Plenty of folks will argue this shows a huge weakness in a team some have thought can make a national title run, but let's not forget the Pirates are a tough team. Greenville is a tough place to play, especially as a first-year quarterback on his first road trip.

And honestly, did you see the logo at midfield? Tell you would be completely distracted by it's awesomeness.

The ghost of Cam gone?
For the second-straight week the Auburn Tigers took a game down to the wire, this week holding Mississippi State out of the endzone in the final second to take the 41-34 win. Do you get the feeling this team is starting to believe the program wasn't actually sent a tombstone from Carolina in April?

Sunday Morning Coming Down: Week 1

Time to shake out the cobwebs, mix some aspirin in with your coffee, and reflect on the first party of the 2011 college football season.

After Party Thoughts:

Boise State 35, Georgia 21
Boise State has officially evolved from a program that rebuilds to a program that reloads. Kellen Moore completed 28-of-34 passes for 261 yards and three TDs in the Bronco's win, hittin seven different Broncos with two or more passes. More importantly Boise has now started off three of the past four seasons with a win over on of the "big boys" of college football, Oregon, Virginia Tech, and now Georgia. Of course as preusual, they will now spend the next couple of months taking on JV teams, which we will later use to argue against their legitness.

As for the Dawgs, they may be closer than ever to solidifying themselves as just the "kind of cute" friend, who thinks they are a top level hottie in the clique of hot girls which make up the SEC.

Oh, and by the way Georgia, give the rock to Brandon Boykin more. One touch, one 80-yard TD. He isn't George Constanza, don't let him end on that.

LSU 40, Oregon 27
You know how some bands have a sign with the name of the town they are playing in near the stage entrance, just in case they are too blitzed to know their location? Les Miles might want to consider a similar action near the exit of the tunnel to the field just to remind him which sideline is his. Of course once he did find his sideline, the Tigers got to rolling.

It's now obvious the whole Jarrett Lee replacing "Shoeless" Jordan Jefferson saga was overly hyped. The fifth-year senior is talented enough to make the plays he knows he needs to, while also being experience enough to understand exactly where that talent ends. That's a record-breaking level of consistency compared to Jefferson.

As for the Ducks? Well once someone figures out the blueprint to stop you, those plans make their rounds in a pretty quick fashion. Just ask the Death Star. Once again the offense struggled against a top tier team who had time to prepare for them. LaMichael James only gained 54 yards on the ground, while the team as a whole only managed 95.

South Carolina 56, East Carolina 37
Did Steve Spurrier just want to make sure Stephen Garcia was sober before putting him in the game? Or was this just his way of showing the football world his reasoning for giving the kid yet another shot. "Here is A: without Garcia, and B: with Garcia. Which is better?"

Regardless his reasoning, the quarterback entered the game in the second quarter, ran for two scores and threw for another to lead the Gamecocks back from their early 17-0 deficit.

South Florida 23, Notre Dame 20
Ah, there you go South Bend. A new flavor of suck. Two fumbles, a penalty that brought back a touchdown, and a Dayne Crist interception highlighted a first half Golden Dome haters were basking in. Think about this for a second. There is a whole generation of kids in high school right now that don't know of Notre Dame as anything but the whipping boy of analysts around the country, and rightfully so.

On a side note, has South Florida ever played a game without B.J. Daniels? How many degrees does he have by now?

Virginia Tech 66, Appalachian State 13
We still can't be 100% sure how good Logan Thomas is. At times he looked at great, at times he looked less than great. We can however be 100% he has all the weapons around him to ensure his success. Between David Wilson (162 yards and 3TDs yesterday), a host of talented wide receivers, and a defense which should limit his opponents points, Thomas is in a great environment to step up and shine. Now he just has to do it.

The 2011 Fast Food NCAA Football Preview

The college football season can be pretty difficult to wrap your mind around. The players change. The coaches change. It is in a year-to-year state of flux, so you need a little something to help you navigate the field.

So here you have the Fast Food preview to the 2011 college football season to help guide you through the college football fog!

Teams aren’t ranked here, but are instead aligned with the chain restaurant that best fits their personality. Is it perfect? Eh, probably not. Will if make you crave greasy food and ketchup from tiny packets – which always taste different for some reason – absolutely!

*AP Rankings used for all teams.

Wendy’s – A great restaurant with tons of solid options each time you go there. Baked potatoes, chili, chicken nuggets. You can basically create your own ridiculous combo meal there without any fear of accidentally screwing yourself over. They are consistently good too. Wendy’s in Virginia is just as good as Wendy’s in Florida. They travel well like that.

The only problem is sometimes you get there and wonder where that item you loved on your last visit has gone. You know, it was like a chicken sandwich with jack cheese and mushrooms and was awesome, but appears to have suddenly vanished from the menu. Maybe your favorite vanishing item was the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich, the Frescata Sandwiches, or even the Fish Sandwich from Alaska…OK, nobody’s favorite was the fish, but regardless, one day things are there, the next gone.

2. Alabama – They return 16 starters, nine from the defense that allowed only 13.5 ppg in 2010 (3^rd nationally). The linebacker combo of Dont’a Hightower and Courtney Upshaw should be beastly and with 4-of-5 O-line starters back, Trent Richardson should have plenty of holes to run through.

They are solid, but may find themselves really missing their past specialty items in Julio Jones, Heisman winner Mark Ingram, and QB Greg McElroy, who was one of the most undervalued signal callers in the game last season.

7. Stanford – We all know this team rises and falls on the arm of Andrew Luck, but at the end of the day you have to wonder if they will miss the charisma Jim Harbaugh brought to the table. Of course they may also find themselves looking around wondering how to replace three o-linemen who were part of a group which allowed only six sacks in 2010, along with two top receivers who combined for 99 catches last season.

15. Arkansas – Should Ryan Mallett or Bobby Petrino get the credit for last year’s success? That’s the question soon to be answered. My guess is that Petrino will find himself really missing Mallett this season, despite Tyler Wilson having showed promise under center in that 2010 game against Auburn (322 yards, two TDs). Of course once Tyler steps under center he may quickly find himself missing three departed o-linemen from the 2010 team.

21. Missouri – This one is probably pretty obviously unless you live under a rock. The Tigers return all three starting wide receivers, as well as every tailback who carried the ball for them in 2010, but have a Blaine Gabbert size hole to fill at QB and another hole at DE with two-time All-Big 12 selection Aldon Smith gone. Their returning ends should suffice though, Brad Madison and Jacquies Smith tallying a combined 13 sacks last year. However at QB, they might just end up looking at any Gabbert to help out in little brother Tyler.

McDonald’s – You know the name well. It’s got all the hype in the world, everyone knows about it, and if you’re honest with yourself, it’s hard not to buy in at least a little bit. But when it comes right now to it, you usually enjoy other places better. Yeah, syrup-injected biscuits look great on paper, but in the real world they translate into some combo of a sugar rush, belly ache, and sticky fingers. Yeah, the first Big Mac kind of blew your mind, but when you think about it, do you really want an extra bun in the middle of a burger? That’s just an unnecessary serving of carbs my friend. Lots of hype here, but living up to it is generally another story with this place. Dare I even mention the time they tried pizza?

1. Oklahoma – Another year, another Sooner team atop the polls. On paper, nine returning starters on D and Landry Jones at QB (4,718 yards and 38 TDs in 2010) look like the top-notch team in the country, just like most seasons. Yeah, what they do will land them near the top, but if recent history tells us anything, it’s that someone else will do what they do, just a little bit better.

6. Florida State – Another team with a name that alone turns heads. Combine that with the hype surrounding QB E.J. Manuel and a defense featuring which led the nation with 48 sacks in 2010 and returns stud DE Brandon Jenkins (13.5 sacks – 2010). The thing is though, you don’t get trophies for hype. If you did FSU would have had a 2010 ACC Championship trophy and Christian Ponder would have won the Heisman. The Noles are talented on paper, but will really be tested early with a Sept. 17 meeting against the Sooners, followed by a trip to face Clemson in Death Valley.

UR. Texas – When you think Texas, you think big TVs and football. Generally good football too. That wasn’t the case last season though, as Garrett Gilbert couldn’t get it done under center and the Longhorns averaged fewer points than they have in two decades on their way to a 5-7 year. Because of this, Case McCoy may give Gilbert some run for the spot, as Boise St. transplant Bryan Harsin joins the staff as co-offensive coordinator. Will they be able to put up enough points to live up to their name? Better hope so, I mean heck they even have a TV station now. Ronald doesn’t even have that.

Taco Bell – This place is either going to blow your mind or just blow you up. It’s amazing, yet amazingly inconsistent at the same time. One trip your Cheesy Gordita Crunch is perfect, the next you could swear the cheese was actually tiny strips of yellow plastic. Plus never, EVER, do all the drinks on the fountain machine work.

4. LSU – The Tigers will either be amazing in 2011 or completely implode. A lot of this rides on QB Jordan Jefferson. At 6-5 224-pounds you are supposed to like this guy and sometimes he does enough to justify that. Other times though, like his 15.2 OB rating performance at Tennessee last year, you wonder how in the world this guy has got this far. Not to mention, under Les Miles it is really hard to ever know exactly what you are going to get.

Burger King – No matter how you spin it, and even if you like it better, this place has always played second fiddle to McDonald’s. Granted it’s not exactly the same, but it definitely takes it’s cues from big brother. Think about. McDonald’s goes Happy Meal, BK goes Kid’s Club meal. McDonald’s features the Big Mac, BK features the Whopper. BK even tried to get a foothold in the creepy restaurant mascot industry by bringing out The King to compete with Ronald. Yeah, there are a lot of things that are better about Burger King – the Hershey’s sundae pie is off the chain - but they just can’t get out of the shadows of the golden arches.

8. Texas A&M – Does anyone play the roll of little bro more than the Aggies? They had some great wins in 2010, over Texas, Nebraska, and Oklahoma, and return 18 starters, but still find themselves feeling inferior to those in Austin. Despite losing Von Miller than have the talent shake things up in the Big 12, assuming their hands are too cramped from writing massive love letters to the SEC.

19. Georgia – Anyone else feel like they’ve been told the Dawgs are on the verge of being a top SEC team for about the past 10 years? This seems like another one of those years. Mark Richt coming of a 6-7 season in which they beat zero teams who ended their season with a winning record needs some big wins to stay employed. He’ll have his chance to show as more than one of the little brothers of the SEC early with their opening meeting with Boise St. and a week 2 show down with South Carolina. Winning both of those games would be a big step towards stepping out of the shadows of it’s bigger brothers in the conference.

Chick-fil-a – Honestly, this may be the best fast food stop on the list. I honestly can’t think of a time I have gotten something bad there nor can I think of a person who doesn’t like it. Not only have they perfected chicken, but how about waffle fries? Are you serious? They took the French fry and basically created a way for it to carry extra ketchup, ranch, or honey mustard to your mouth. Amazing.

The down side though, you always want it on Sundays. Sunday is maybe the biggest day of the week to grab a meal out and they, for a very noble reason, are closed.

12. South Carolina – The Gamecocks are coming off a 10-win season for the first time in school history and return 13 starters including one of the best backs in the country in Marcus Lattimore. Still, they ended 2010 with a loss to Auburn in the SEC title game and a nasty Chick-fil-a Bowl loss to FSU.

13. Virginia Tech – They typically do things right in Blacksburg. Frank Beamer basically re-invented how teams use their special teams, while Bud Foster’s defenses are consistently good, no matter who graduates the program. This season their secondary returns one of the best guys in the country in Jayron Hosley and their offense returns one of the more explosive and under-used backs in the country in David Wilson. Combine that with first-year QB Logan Thomas, who folks are all but calling the next Cam Newton, and they have a recipe for greatness.

Much like Chick-fil-a though, on the big days they often seem closed for business, January’s 40-12 Orange Bowl loss to Stanford being the most recent Hokie melt down. If they can keep the lights on this season, they have a great chance to compete. But that seems to be a big “if” for them.

Fazoli’s – 10 years ago this place was off the hook. “Real Italian, Real Fast” was the slogan and while you might doubt the authenticity of the menu, you never doubt the bread stick guy, who was always brought his A game. However, the gimmick could only take them so far and once they were figured out, stopping there became less and less frequent.

3. Oregon – The Ducks basked in the glory of their speedy, poster board led offense in 2010. That is until Auburn figured them out in the title game, holding them to 19 points in the Tigers’ 22-19 win. LaMichael James, who led the nation in rushing with 1,731, does return along side Darron Thomas – who seems to always be just on the edge of getting suspended – and should keep their offense rolling. Defensively though they lost three starters up front, which doesn’t make that early SEC-match up with LSU look any better. Still, it’s all about whether or not opponents have figured out the gimmick of the posters.

23. Auburn – While Oregon may or may not have been figured out already, Auburn seems to be sitting in 2009 Fazoli’s territory. Yeah, you never want to over react to one player leaving, well unless that player is rumored to be robot like Cam Newton. (Yes, I started that rumor.) Of course they also lost four offensive linemen and Nick Fairly. Essentially, it’s like the day Fazoli’s ran out of pasta. Here, enjoy this, um, bowl-o-sauce?

KFC – Honestly, when you think of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and biscuits via a fast food chain, is this not the first place that comes to mind? The Coronel found his niche in a market that really didn’t have anyone to compete with. His buffet will leave you unable to function a vehicle, in a good way. Let’s be honest though, we’ll never know if he could compete with something better because outside of a last second trip through the Wal-Mart deli, this is the only bucket-o-goodness in town.

10. Nebraska – The Cornhuskers join the Big 10 at a time when the conference is extremely shallow. With OSU going in full-on recovery mode and Wisconsin losing some key starters, as well as bringing in a new QB, Taylor Martinez and Nebraska should have this marketed cornered.

24. West Virginia – The best news for the Mountaineers is that the Big East woke up this morning and realized it is still the Big East. The Bill Stewart era of confusion is over and Geno Smith should be ready to lead this team to a Big East title for the final year before TCU joins. Oh, and don’t forget, they are now selling beer in the stands in Morgantown. Not such great news for visiting teams who are typically used to battery dodging as they enter the stadium.

Bojangles – A great place, but a bit of an identity crisis here. Are they a bucket of chicken place? Are they a chicken sandwich place? Did they make the front of the restaurant look like an elementary school cafeteria on purpose? I’m not sure. Chances are, neither are they. It always feels like they are caught in the middle of a transition that they just haven’t got around to finalizing.

22. Florida – The Will Muschamp era has begun and he even has a new sidekick in Charlie Weis and his pro-style offense. Plenty of folks think the offensive transition will greatly benefit QB John Brantley, but he is also still being called a “work in progress” type of guy. Aside from that it’s hard to image such a transition will be super successful with road games at Auburn, LSU, and South Carolina.

UR. Michigan – Brady Hoke is also bringing transition to the Wolverines. The problem is, can you really fit a built-for-the-spread guy like Denard Robinson? He has some potential greats at receiver in Roy Roundtree and Darryl Stonum, who combined for 13 TD catches in 2010, and he has done better throwing the ball over the past two season. Still, this transition is one of those square peg, round hole deals.

Sonic – You really can’t say this place produces a sub-par menu. Between good burgers, onion rings, and jalapeno poppers, it’s actually flipping loaded. It wants to compete with the big boy of fast food, but the problem is it’s venue. I mean at the end of the day, you’re generally still eating in your car and that’s just a recipe for more of that bizarre gunk that finds its way between the buttons on your CD player. Sonic is good, but it is hard to say it is a legit restaurant option.

5. Boise St. – The Broncos lost 11 starters, including receivers Titus Young and Austin Pettis, but return QB Kellen Moore as they take to their pilot season in the Mountain West. Let’s be honest though, they have to run the table to even have a chance at their dream of a legit national title and even then, they will still have folks claiming they shouldn’t be there.

14. TCU – The Horned Frogs lost a lot with the departure of Andy Dalton and three starters from both the offensive and defensive lines. They still have Tank Carter, definitely one of the best linebackers and best names in college football, as running back Ed Wesley who averaged 6.5 ypc in 2010. This is their last season in the Mountain West, so maybe next year they can pitch themselves to us as a legit contender, but for now, that’s a hard sell.

Hardees – Just keep telling us all you are legit. Just keep showing us that your food falls from the sky and bounces slightly when it lands. And you know what, we might give it a shot. We might try you once or twice. And to be honest, you often start off strong. The cinnamon raisin and sausage, egg, and cheese biscuits ain’t no joke, but it’s all down hill from there. After the halfway point, you really just aren’t the same caliber as your competitors.

20. Mississippi St. – They’ve never won nine or more games in back-to-back years in a 112 years of football and it’s hard to image they will this year in a stacked SEC West.

17. Michigan St. – Yeah, they were a shocking 11-2 in 2010, but those two losses, 49-7 to Bama and 37-6 at Iowa, were tough to swallow. They have to replace three o-linemen and I’m also guessing they won’t be sneaking up on anyone this year.

UR. Arizona St.— While I fully support your effort to go more hardcore with the mascot and jerseys, you have to back that up on the field. They should have a pretty solid line and could see RB Cameron Marshall get plenty of solid yards on the ground. But even if they do start off the season well, but by their lunch-time meeting with USC on Sept. 24, I think it will be all downhill.

Dairy Queen – Yeah I know, you’re thinking this is a desert place, but that probably means you just haven’t experienced its other options, namely the chicken fingers basket that comes with a side of gravy. Yes, gravy, chicken, and French fries. If you top it off with a blizzard you’ve just tackled the major four fast food groups. Fried meat, fried vegetables, gravy, and ice cream. You don’t really expect it when you got there, so it’s going to sneak up and wow you.

9. Oklahoma St. – The Cowboys have an offense that can compete with anyone in the country. Brandon Weeden should emerge as a dark horse Heisman guy or at the very least a top NFL prospect, while his best target Justin Blackmon should also climb the Heisman list. The question for them is going to be if their defense can slow down opponents. They allowed a combined 98 points in losses Oklahoma and Nebraska in 2010. They also have a heck of a tough schedule, having to travel to Texas, A&M, and Missouri. And Oklahoma comes to town for the season finale, with a possible BCS birth on the line. They’ve got fire power and could easily sneak into the BCS picture.

11. Wisconsin – With running back combo of James White and Montee Ball, as well as the newcomer Russell Wilson, the Badgers have a chance to sneak up on the country and have an extremely successful season. Granted the schedule isn’t going to do them any favors, with the month of October featuring Nebraska and trips to both OSU and Michigan St, but if the Badgers can tune it up in the month before that run, they might just survive.

Arby’s – Just stop it. Just stop trying to convince us all you are better than other fast food places. We get it, you serve roast beef not burgers. You have curly fries not regular cut ones. But do you really think that means I’m going to drop Applebee’s money on you? Granted Arby’s sauce is like magical ketchup, but I can’t justify breaking a Hamilton on a fast food meal.

16. Notre Dame – Ok, we get it. You don’t have to be in a conference and you basically have your own TV station, but we’re still not buying you as the elite program you think you are. You lost to Navy and Tulsa on back-to-back weeks in 2010 and do you even have a running back right now? Let’s face it, if you want us treat you like a five-star venue, you’re going to need to a least muster a three-star performance and I’m just not convinced Brian Kelly and Dayne Crist are going to give you that.

Long John Silver's -- Tell me when you walk in the place you don't immediately feel greasy. The air in a LJS is just thick like that and even if they every tear that little shed-looking building down, birds will still get weighted down when they fly through the air there. It's not that Long John's tastes bad, heck back in the day you'd roll four, five planks deep without giving it a second thought. You just turned a blind eye to what going on back then and the obvious fact that anything tossed in that deep fryer came out looking, smelling, and feeling the exact same way. This place took a healthy tradition and tainted it with slime.

18. Ohio St. – There was no more wholesome tradition in most fans’ minds than the sweater vest, but this offseason that all changed. They lost their coach and starting QB once folks quit turning a blind eye to what was going on there. They do get Penn St. and Wisconsin at home, but how much that really helps is unknown.

UR. Miami – The good news is Jacory Harris, Sean Spence, Travis Benjamin and Marcus Forston only have to sit out of the Maryland game. The bad news, is well, pretty much everything else. It’s kind of like LJS saying, “Yeah, we have a healthy option,” and by that meaning they have celery sticks buried some where in the back of the kitchen. Being “The U” final has caught up with Miami and I doubt that will produce much to best excited about this year.

The closed down Chinese restaurant across town. – It got closed down for violations a few years back, but for some reason there are still cars in the parking lot. Hmm. People go in, people come out, but you it can’t be for the General Tsao’s Chicken these days. Interesting.

25. USC – Despite not being allowed to have a post season, Lane Kiffin still draws in some of the top kids in the nation. I get that they are an NFL prospect machine, but is that really enough to draw these top players, or is there something else..hmm.

That empty spot in the food court – It’s a good spot and every time a new restaurant opens up there, you think maybe, just maybe this is the time that Greek Burger/wrap joint takes off. Three weeks in though, burgers are half-price. Four weeks later, the dream is dead.

UR. UVa. – New recruits, second-year coach, a little bit of a QB controversy, but this is the year! For at least two weeks! Maybe less if William & Mary comes in with some steam on Saturday.

Should Carolina keep Cam Ink-Free?

Somehow what was somewhat of a joke of a story yesterday because the whirlwind topic of today. Yesterday we mentioned it was suggestion to Cam Netwon by the Panthers’ owner Jerry Richardson that he remain tat and piercings free. Somehow by Thursday had evolved from that to debate surrounding the culture expectance of deadlocks.

It’s like when you tell someone at a bar “Merry Christmas” and an hour later find yourself knee deep in some conversation about the history of religion. You’re just thinking, “Dear lord, how did I get here? I just wanted to pass on some seasonal joy and watch TV, not head down some C.S. Lewis-eqsue debate trail.

Here’s what happened:

In a recent interview on "The Charlie Rose Show" on PBS, the 75-year-old Richardson recounted a conversation he had with the the 22-year-old Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback on April 4 in which he asked Newton if he had any tattoos or piercings.

When Newton replied "No sir, I don't have any," Richardson told Rose he told the quarterback: "Good. We want to keep it that way." Of course he also said Newton has “a very nice haircut.”

Now I don’t think the Richard meant anything by his comments anymore than I think the old guys who find out I’m not married and tell me to “stay that way” are instructing me to put off dating. (Although I will use that as my excuse for my lack of dates.) But this does spurn the issue of how important it is to understand the weight you take on when you represent something, especially something as large as an NFL franchise.

Perception is reality. Like it or not. How you look is a big part of how your present yourself and how you present yourself, dictates how people feel about you and how they feel about anything you are a part of. It’s why a surgeon who is all inked up with a nose ring is sketchy, but you’ll give a tattoo artist in the same shape all the trust in the world.

It’s also why when a fight broke out at the Oakland-San Francisco game over the weekend, everyone looked at the Raiders fans instead of the Niners’. You think Raider fan, you think Vader mask, Road Warrior shoulder pads, and screaming. You think Niner fan and you think of Danny Tanner. Raider fan worked hard to achieve the image being of the biggest nut job in a room full of crazies. They got it and us pointing the finger at them when something bad happens is the fruit of that labor.

It’s the reason you, nor I, nor anyone else was shocked when “The U” got caught up in all this rogue booster mess. They are “The U.” They wanted to be known for being flashy. They wanted to be known for having swag. Well done and done. But now they are also known for being Nevin Shapiro’s rent-a-friends.

Does Richardson, as an owner, have the right to ask his players to present themselves in a certain way? Most employers do. You don’t see too many lawyers with eyebrow rights. Heck you don’t see many fast food workers with eyebrow rings and lord knows Wendy’s isn’t slapping their cashier’s grill up on the sign.

The Panthers ARE doing that with Cam. Not only is he going to work for the Carolina Panthers, he is going to be the Carolina Panthers.He is going to be the face of that franchise and if Richardson wants that face to be sans nose ring, so be it.

The Reality of Raider Nation

By now you have probably seen, or at least heard, of the massive amount of asinine behavior that went down in the stands, parking lot, and basically everywhere around Candlestick Park on the day the Raiders and 49ers squared off for their annual preseason match.

The Police alone tossed 70 folks for behavior-related reasons, lord only knows how many more the staff security took out, and there were 90 calls for medical services. 90!

But here is the kicker. When you heard this went down, when you saw the video, were you surprised? Were you shocked? Or did you without hesitating just shrug and think, "well I guess Raider fan just went Raider fan."

Don't feel bad, that's what most of us did because that's the culture of Raider Nation.

It's not some misguided stereotype. It's not some myth conjured up by an opponent. No, it's no accident that Raider fan has become the poster child for the "bad fan," in fact it actually took many hours of face painting and super gluing spikes and barbs onto shoulder pads to achieve. Plenty of coin was dropped in this effort as well, I mean a good Darth Vader mask will run you at least a couple Andrew Jacksons. You truly do reap what you sow and incidents, such as what happened over the weekend, are just the fruits of Raider fans labor in this sense.

It's a lot like the kids who went "goth" in high school. You remember that fad. All black outfits, tons of make up, and a conscious effort to appear as though you'd just pounded three bottles of cough syrup. It was an all-out effort to seem creepy. But call one of those folks out for being a vampire -- granted this was back went vampires weren't the epicenter for sexy -- and they would flip out. "What! How dare you call me that and say I drink blood!"

Wait a second. Didn't you just paint your lips to make them look blood-stained? Aren't you the one hissing at people walking down the hall? And seriously, you are wearing fake fangs. You're right, I'm stereotyping you. I'm sure there are plenty of scientists and lawyers out there all zombied up. My mistake.

Like it or not the image you put off dictates people's perception of you and, like it or not, perception is reality.

Raider fans of the past spent years building the public's perception of them as the baddest fans around and it seems today's fan feels the need to live up to that. To prove himself worth of the Vader mask by doing whatever it takes to keep that biker gang-esque reputation the fan base has.

This is why when something as awful and appalling as what happened this weekend goes down, don't get upset if all we do is shake our heads in disgust.

Scratch that. Nevermind. You won't get upset. That's exactly the reaction you've wanted from us all along.

Questions swirl around "Lil Luke" and the "U"

My first thoughts on the Miami investigation can be summed up in this clip from Casablanca.

Granted that was just my knee-jerk reaction, but the more we learn about the situation in Miami, the worse it seems to get.

Who is Nevin Shapiro?
Sure you know he's pulling 20 years for his role in a $930 million Ponzi scheme. You know he is saying he gave all kinds of "stuff" to former players. And you may even know about his love for taking creepy pictures with athletes for "the U", undoubtedly destine to land front and center on his Myspace page. But who is he really?

He's that kid in your neighborhood who would do almost anything if he thought it would make the other kids think he was cool.

He's that kid who thought he was a bad mother because he swiped a warm beer from his dad's fishing cooler and then tried to not puke when tasting it. That kid who, for some reason, thought lighting fire crackers taped to random animals was hilarious. And that kid who once snuck that real slimey dirty magazine up to your tree house and then got upset when Big Black Butt didn't exactly win him any fans.

Things never work out for that kid. Best case scenario he gets used for his willingness to steal candy bars from 7-Eleven and then dumped the second he gets busted.

That's who Nevin Shapiro is, only with more money, and possibly less sense.

Shapiro has admitted to using his illegally earned wealth to provide players with yacht rides, jewelry, entertainment -- at time including hookers -- and even an abortion once all in hope of winning a few high profile friends. And according to him it worked for a time, claiming 72 players, along with members of Miami's administration and coaching staff, from 2002 to 2010 benefited from his "friendship."

He also admits he felt burnt when his "friends" dumped him as soon as he got busted, thus providing the motivation for his recent tell-all frenzy. The guy players' once referred to as "Lil Luke" is now bitter as he sits in jail and not a single one of the guys who once drank up his expensive liquor will come and talk to him through the glass.

That's who the man is and what the motivation is behind this entire story, but does that make it fictional?

If it's not true, why haven't any of the players mentioned stepped up and cleared the air?
Vincent Wilfork, Jon Beason, Andre Johnson, Devin Hester, Kellen Winslow Jr., Antrel Rolle, Frank Gore, and Willis McGahee are a handful of the players who make up the list of Miami greats, as well as the list of Shapiro's "buddies."

So if this was false, why wouldn't they be stepping up to save their alma mater? Even if Shapiro's story isn't completely false and is instead just being totally inflated by him, why not go ahead and clear the air?

None of those guys are going to suffer any penalty at this point. None of them have anything to lose even if clearly the air means admitting some wrong doing on their parts, so what does the fact none are speaking out tell us?

How will this effect the current team and season?
Yesterday Al Golden looked like a guy whose new car had just blown an engine when being interviewed, as it's now clear his first season in Miami is going to be far more challenging than originally thought.

Not only is he taking over a program that desperately needs a solid season he now has to deal with quarterback Jacory Harris, receiver Travis Benjamin, defensive tackle Marcus Forston, safety Ray-Ray Armstrong and linebacker Sean Spence being involved in this investigation according to Yahoo!

If this is true, Golden may be facing the toughest task since the The Texas State Fighting Armadillos had to reach out to Scott Bakula and Sinbad to save their program.

Of course the big question is, will Miami get the "death penalty?" Well, what do you think?

Tiger cut, the Buckeyes wait, and Zambrano retires?

It's been a busy week as I've been spending some of my usually Back Porch time hanging out in The Clubhouse with Kyle Bailey on Super Sports 101.7 FM here in southwest Virginia.

Honestly, back porches and clubhouses aren't all that different. We've got tremendous guests each day and we constantly discuss the most important issues from the world of sports. Which athlete would you most like to live with? How many acrobats does Dennis Rodman really own? You know, the really important stuff.

With that said, here are a few Saturday morning nuggets:
Tiger cut
- You're geeked about football. I'm geeked about football. And Tiger Woods is geeked about football. So much so in fact, he decided to take the weekend off to check out the preseason slate of games.

Tiger missed the cut in the PGA Championship Friday, the first time he has done so in his 14 appearances. This, combined with him not playing in next week's Wyndham Championship, essentially means Woods' season is done.

Let's be honest. Tiger is getting darn close to that Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skulls level of awful. Yeah the plot seems kind of similar and the outfits are real familiar, but at the end of the day you just can't talk yourself into ignoring how bad it sucks.

At some point Tiger is just going to have to realize the whip doesn't crack like it used to.

Ohio State hearing
The Buckeyes had there official hearing on Friday and now might have to wait up to 12 weeks to hear what their punishment will be, while praying that throwing Jim Tressel and Terrelle Pryor on the sword will make it to heavy for the NCAA to swing it at them.

This whole idea of self-imposed penalties is ridiculous to me. It's like a kid playing football inside, breaking a lamp, and when dad gets home, telling him not to worry about breaking out the belt because he's already sent himself to his room. Yeah, wish my dad would have bought that.

I'm doubting the NCAA is going to buy it either. Yeah, they may let OSU go pick out its own switch, but there is no way they let the Buckeyes decide how many lashes are deserved.

Zambrano to retire?
Not only did Carlos Zambrano give up five homers and get ejected from Friday night's contest against Atlanta, he then went for the holy trinity of sucking, by disappearing from the team's clubhouse and threatening to retire.

Honestly, as a Cubs fan, this sounds be too good to be true.

Zambrano has been nothing short of a disaster since he was elevated from a number three guy to a number one guy. Since then, he's played the role of that girl you always want to dump, but the fear of being single keeps you from doing so. That's just a recipe for crappy relationship and an awkward wedding.

The Cubs have done the work on their end of the relationship. They've tried therapy. They've tried gifts. They've coddled him as much, if not more, than any other lackluster "star" in the sports. But still he consistently leaves them holding a broom and a dust pan, looking at a kitchen full of empty beer bottles and broken dishes.

It's time to give up Chicago. Write a little note, leave it on his desk, and slip out, hoping you never, ever, run into him at the mall.

Could you be Ochocinco's new roomie?

Being the new kid in school is never easy. You don't know where all your classes are. You have no clue which water fountain produces the proper stream so that you don't get hosed, but also don't have to make out with it for a sip. And of course there is that tricky question regarding packing or buying lunch. It's different everywhere you go.

So what do you need? A friend who knows the landscape. Sometimes schools even go so far as to assign new students a "buddy" for a few days and teach him or her the ropes. You know, the important stuff like which bathroom to avoid because it's where the sketchy rednecks go to smoke.

Apparently Bill Belichick does not subscribe to such friend-finding tactics.

Chad Ochocinco is the new kid in Boston this season and is hunting himself a buddy to help him adjust. Yesterday Chad told reporters he plans to live with a fan for his first few weeks in town. Any fan who has an Xbox and internet, along with some free time to take Chad to the mall, is eligible to be Ocho's designated friend.

Now you'd think the first place Chad would look for a little help adjusting would be his teammates. Oddly enough, it seems every single Patriots' player's mother-in-law is visiting for the entire month of August. Every. Single. One. Even the unmarried ones. Amazing how that happens.

Of course this isn't the first time Chad has tried to find a decent roommate. In 2009 he attempted to live with Carson Palmer's family so he and the quarterback could get on the same page. But apparently the combination of Chad continuously eating the last fruit roll-up and never replacing the toilet paper roll made the situation a little to tense for the long-term. Chad may have also used Carson's toothbrush on more than one occasion. Sources can't confirm.

Chad's "crazy" antics may stop now that he is a Patriot. He may give up bull riding and snake handling. But he will never, ever, give up his quest to find a good friend!

Stevie Williams' best win ever, Deion Sanders Owes My Dad Money, and a Crazy NASCAR Weekend

One for the luggage carriers and dreamers
Congratulations to Steve Wil..err..Adam Scott on winning the Bridgestone Invitational and becoming the third most talked about person in Akron on Sunday.

Despite defeating Rickie Fowler and Luke Donald by four strokes, all eyes were on the Real World-esque drama playing out between Tiger Woods and his former caddie, Steve Williams, who now lugs around Scott's bag.

Now the two didn't interact and because the Bridgestone failed to provide one of those little confessional rooms, we have no idea who ate the last Power Bar, but shots between the two were still fired.

Following the event Williams, who caddie for Tiger's 13 major victories, claimed he had "never had a bigger win" and claimed it was the best week of his caddying life. Of course he then discretely peaked over his shoulder to make sure Tiger was watching.

Now a lot of folks are being critical of Williams today. They are pointing out that merely being the golf luggage guy, doesn't really justify the victory dance Steve is trying to put on over the grave of Tiger's career. I get that. But you know what? I say go for it Stevie!

When are you ever going to get the chance to celebrate your luggage-toting abilities again? Even if he deliveries 1,000 bags of groceries on time without smashing the bread or 5,000 suitcases to the newly wed suite without dropping a single one, he'll never get the chance at this type of pub again.

It's time to push for that big Samsonite contract buddy. Do it today, as bellhops around the country are pinning up posters of you in their bedrooms and little kids are heading off to school carrying their backpacks in that same savvy one-strap fashion that earned "your" greatest win ever Sunday.

Other thoughts from the weekend:
-- Whoever owns stock in do-rags, owes Deion Sanders money, while Deion probably owes my dad for motivating me to steal all his bandanas as a 10-year-old.

As Sanders entered the Hall of Fame Saturday night, I was reminded of the time I tried to rock the do-rag during Pee Wee football. The front was all sagging down in my eyes and the knot was jabbing into the back of my head. The only thing worse than how it felt, was the fact that I loved it and felt like the freaking man wearing it.

-- Brad Keselowski wins Pocono in spite of growing a purple grapefruit on his ankle. Brad broke his ankle during some test session in Atlanta on Wednesday, but couldn't be held back from racing Sunday, saying he was motivated by 30 American soldiers shot down in Afghanistan.

Pretty amazing considering most of us hate driving to the grocery store if we have a head ache, not to mention that dreaded family road trip when you have some back pain going on. Four days removed from breaking bones, this dude goes 500 miles in a tiny, hot cockpit, and does so better than anyone else out there. Yeah, that's pretty amazing.

-- Speaking of racing, you will not see a better finish to a NASCAR race than Ricky Stenhouse Jr.'s Nationwide win Saturday night. Granted, he and Carl Edwards did not have to get out and race on foot, but other than that, I've never seen a better finish in real life or in the movies.

A-Rod's Underground Adventure, LeBron James' Sensitive Tweeting, and The A's Are Ready For Some Football

A-Rod fails to watch the Oreos
Alex Rodriguez has proved yet again that he has the decision making ability of a 13-year-old.

Wednesday it was reported the allegation A-Rod took part in some underground poker games was being investigated and could very well lead to a suspension. It was also mentioned that some of the games might have turned "violent."

What?!? Underground poker games turning violent?

Yep. Apparently Alex's decision to go see A Bug's Life instead of Rounders back in '98 has come back to haunt him. Granted he now has a lot of respect now for the worker ant, but his limited knowledge of how dangerous going all in against Teddy KGB and his color-coordinated track suit is could very well lead to a suspension from baseball.

It's not that playing illegal poker is the worst thing in the world, it's just the worst thing in the world if your name is Alex Rodriguez. But yet again, Alex fails to realize how badly he could use some good press and yet again, gets involved in something that isn't just bad, but stupid.

The only real move A-Rod has left is to play the Contanza card in the Commish's office. "What that wrong? Should I not have done that?" Really, if only someone had told A-Rod that type of thing was frowned upon he would have never went Ed Norton for the night.

LeBron just wants you to be nice!
It's no secret that everyone and their mom has been cracking on Tim Tebow over the paste week. Folks, like ESPN's Merril Hoge, believe the guy was drafted too high, has a quirky at best throwing motion, and is very inaccurate. That's his, and many others', analysis of Tebow.

However that analysis doesn't sit well with some other folks, including LeBron James. James dropped a few Twitter bombs on the topic following Hoge's report on SportsCenter Wednesday, basically saying Hoge needs to be more encouraging.

You're right LeBron, ESPN should pay Merril Hoge and all their other analysts to encourage players. In fact, I'm a little upset they haven't been shipping out little notes and gift baskets to guys during camps. You know a little hand lotion and some fresh melon will do wonders for a young man's confidence.

Seriously, how chewed up by the media is LeBron feeling right now? It's one thing for Tebow to be a little upset, that makes sense. But Lebron is a guy completely disconnected from the situation, aside from the thought he is so tender to the touch of the media after last year's post season failure, that any media criticism causes him to break down.

I said it during the playoffs and I'll say it again, LeBron James is losing his edge. He's never had to deal with the type of failure and criticism he has experienced over the past year and this is just another example of him coming unraveled.

What are baseball players thinking about these days?
If you haven't seen it yet, check out Seattle's Brendan Ryan turning a single into a triple while the A's apparently are busy with more important things.

What does this tell us? That by August, baseball quickly fades and football dominates the minds of us all, even pro baseball players. Obviously the A's were thinking far more about their upcoming fantasy football drafts here, than Ryan trotting around the bases.

It's sad, but it's the reality of where baseball is on the sports spectrum these days.

The Back Porch podcast for August 3, 2011

Looking back on the summer, thoughts on Coach K, NFL free agency, and Randy Moss' NFL hot-girl qualities.

Take a listen and drop your thoughts!

Also, hit me up @TKWSports on Twitter!

How will you remember Randy Moss?

Randy Moss Retiring
At 34-years-old Randy Moss has decided his time in the NFL is up, according to a single-sentence statement coming from his agent Joel Segal on Monday.

If there ever was a crazy hot girl equivalent in the NFL, Randy was that. When the hot girl is on, she's on fire. Every dude takes notice and every dude is trying to take her to the movies. Doesn't matter which movie either, just looking for a dimly lit room to chill in long enough to pull off the old yawn and stretch arm move.

For a night, it's cool. But even that same guy has to do some serious thinking before going for any long-term options here.

Does he really want to deal with 2 a.m. meltdowns brought on by middle of the night infomercials for Your Baby Can Read programs? (You don't know why her parents didn't get this for her, why does she keep asking?)

Is he really willing to watch multiple hours of Texas Women or Basketball Wives each Sunday? Can he really afford to have that many brain cells burned up each week?

And what about her crazy dog? There's always a crazy dog. It may be super huge or super tiny, but it's darn sure going to be out of it's mind.

Is it really worth it? That's always the question with the girl, as it always was with Randy.

Let's be honest about this, Randy was flippin' great... when he wanted to be. Other times he was o.k. with being a mediocre. He was o.k. with just cashing his check and knocking off a little early. And still at other times, he was cool with just seeming absolutely ridiculous.

He's the classic case of a guy whom you would never pass up when creating your Madden create-a-team, but would think twice about adding to your squad in real life. In Xbox land you didn't have to worry which Randy was showing up. You knew you were getting 2007 Randy and not 2006 Randy, along with having the security of knowing there is no moon-the-crowd button for post-touchdown celebrations. (Though there really should be.)

At the end of the day Moss' lasting legacy won't be what he did as much as the question, what could he have done.

So what is your favorite memory of Randy?

For me, I like to think of him as a slightly mixed up guy from rural West Virginia. Yeah he said and did some dumb stuff. But he was a freak and deep down, always seemed like a good guy.

Of course I'll also remember him for this sweet sweet Nike spot.

Three Thoughts on the Coach K Situation

Coach K violation?
Well, maybe. It seems Duke University and Coach Mike Krzyzewski are still trying to figure out whether or not they actually broke a rule or not in speaking with 6-7 recruit Alex Poythress.

The fuzziness of the situation is regarding whether you are allowed to talk to a kid between AAU tournaments, even if the kid doesn't leave the location of said tournaments. This was the case for Alex, who was between back-to-back tourneys in Orlando when Coach K gave him a call.

So what should we take away from all this?

1. For starters, the NCAA is very likely being run by a group of rabid Dungeons and Dragons fans.

Did you ever play one of those games? There are like 8,000 rules regarding what you can and can't do and there is always the rule hawker, just ready to pounce on the first person to try and use his magic stones too close to a water source (obviously a violation of rule 76, section 4.) Heck with this. Give me Mouse Trap any day.

This is the NCAA right now. No one can keep up with all their rules, guidelines, and processes. Somewhere, some former D&D guys got together with their favorite wine coolers and tarts and put together all these rules. Now you can just see the excitement on their faces when they think someone is about to break one.

2. Despite the ridiculous nature of the rules list, Duke should make that call to the NCAA before their coach calls the kid, not after.

Sure, it's always easier to apologize than to ask permission, but when you run to the teacher to get that apology over with just a few minutes after the act, you really look bad. In fact your post-act, pre-caught apology just makes you look like the kid who figures he can schmooze his way out of trouble Zach Morris style and slide over to the Max, punishment free.

Duke's smarter than this. Coach K is smarter than this. So don't think for a second they didn't figure this was an edgy-at-best act.

Of course really, what do they have to lose? They already made contact with the No. 17 ranked players in the 2012 class and at most they might get what, a fine?

Sometimes having a little fun is worth the time in detention.

3. These kids are playing in too many tournaments!

Honestly, it's August and this kid is playing in not one, but two AAU tournaments, and in Orlando! What ever happen to kids spending their summers working at the pool and sneaking cigarettes outside of Sonic? (There is a valuable life lesson is learning how to use wind patterns to cover up the snitch of Camel Lights.)

More seriously though, I get it. The kid loves ball. He sees it as a path to a better future. I hear all that. But still, tell me this doesn't seem just a little bit shady. Tell me there isn't at least a part of you that hears about all those year-round travel teams and feels a little uneasy. That feels like somebody other than just the kids must be benefiting from all this. And that just maybe, it's not in the best interest of our kids.

Now, maybe it is all on the up and up. Maybe everything is legit and it's all about the kids. But if it turns out to be otherwise, would you really be all that surprised?

Belichick's Jesus-Style Moves and Other Free Agency Thoughts

Sometimes you just can't trust your initial reaction. You need some time to mull it over. Rethink and digest it. Lord knows such a process could have saved me from ever having purchased that pair of plastic StarBury basketball shoes.

Anyway, after a good night's sleep I think it's fair to do a little evaluating of yesterday's free agent madness.

The Pats grab Chad and Albert
Bill Belichick is apparently sticking to his Jesus-like tactics when it comes to putting a group together. No matter if a player is struggling with a dark past of head stomping and mean pancake addiction or simply can't control anything that spurts from his mouth, Bill will take em! And not just that, he'll convince them (at least long enough to win some games for him) to go and sin no more.

That's why a move which at first glance is a head scratcher, actually makes a lot of sense.

Albert Haynesworth isn't a bad football player, he's just a lousy person. Likewise Chad Johnson is a good receiver, he's just also absolutely out of his mind. Both are issues Belichick can wrangle for at least a few months. He did it with Randy Moss. He did it with Corey Dillon. And now, he will do it with these two.

Now I'm not saying the guy is going to be out there on Sunday passing out fish sandwiches to everyone and I'm not saying he will completely change the lives of these two. But Bill's willingness to take on players others have washed their hands of and pull something positive out of them, is borderline miraculous.

Kolb lands in Arizona, duh
Anyone else feel like this deal was done in May? We've been hearing about this the season ending, so it's no surprise once the market opened the deal got done. But does that make it a good deal?

For the Eagles, yes. The only way Kolb was playing this season in Philly, was if something awful happened to Mike Vick. So at best, he was a very expensive band-aid for them. In trading him they picked up cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, a position they needed, and a second-round draft pick in 2012.

Essentially this was like trading a video game you've already beaten for the extra controller you need to hook up some multi-player Mario Kart with your boys.

For Arizona though, I'm not convinced this was that great of a deal. I know they needed a QB, but I'm just not sure they needed to dump all those resources into a guy with a 3-4 record as a starter. I know Kolb has looked very good in the brief moments he's been on the field, but that was the same philosophy that gets people in the theater for movies like the Blair Witch Project.

Never a good call to make a decision based on a few minutes of a flashy trailer and right now that's all Kevin really has.

Bush heads to South Beach
Does this make Miami the officially landing spot for highly drafted running who don't pan out?

I'm very intrigued by this move, but I think its success is really dependent on what else the Dolphins do. If they do manage to hang on to Ronnie Brown and bring in a legitimate quarterback, Bush's added dimension could be what takes this team to the next level.

So how about that QB situation?

It seems a potential Kyle Orton deal is on the rocks, which is probably for the best. Scraggly beards are out this year and I don't think Orton is quite dynamic enough for a city like Miami.

On the other hand, maybe a guy like Vince Young would be a good fit, and would make the 2011 Dolphins look almost identical to my Marshall-Bush-Young Madden 09 create-a-team. That team was sick, by the way. At the very least it would be more interesting than Orton and most likely would produce a fair amount of quality TMZ photo posts.

Panthers doing well under the radar
While everyone else was making noise trying to court big names, Carolina went asked the secretly pretty girl in the back of the art class to prom. Always a smart move.

The Panthers may have gotten the quietest steal of the free agent frenzy, only giving up a draft pick for Bears' tight end Greg Olsen. Now the Panthers have two good tight ends, Olsen and Jeremy Shockey (when he's healthy), along with one of the best two-deep backfields in the league in Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams.

If a good tight end is a young quarterback's best friend, a solid backfield has to be the second best friend, who has the Sega Channel at his house. Not a bad way to start your rookie year if you are Cam Newton.

Butch Davis canned and other Wednesday wackiness

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing makes sense? You spend all day trying to figure out what time it really is, you can't even name the day of the week it is, and at lunch time, you completely forget about the salsa bar at Alejandros'. Awfulness.

Well today was exactly that kind disastrously confusing day in the world of sports, filled with plenty of head scratchers.

Butch axed at UNC
And apparently the Tar Heel athletic department spent all spring and summer sharping that axe. At least that's the best reason I can come up with for them waiting until after the ACC media days and a mere nine days before the start preseason practice to fire him.

UNC Chancellor Holden Thorp said they "lost confidence in our ability to come through this without harming the way people think of this institution."

Real-world translation? "If we throw Butch on the sword, the NCAA might not be able to pick it up and swing it at all of us."

Let's face it, they got nervous. It's like one of those crime dramas where the accomplices are force to wait in that room with the conveniently extra large mirror for hours sweating it out. Finally one of them cracks under the pressure, throws one of them completely under the bus to save the rest of the team.

(You saw this in Friday Night Lights, but Tim Riggins went down of his on free will to save Billy and the fam, because he's a man like that.)

The only thing worst than the move itself, was the timing of UNC losing it's nerve to stick it out. Now they've got a whole crop of guys on their hands, whom they just robbed of their focal point for stability.

It's like a kid's mom giving dad the boot a week before Christmas and then expecting him to go through the holidays with a smile on his face like nothing happened. Then folks wonder why that kid doesn't fully trust adults throughout his childhood and young adult life.

Much like that scenario, it will be a minor miracle if any of UNC's youngsters ever fully trust a college institution again.

Still no replay?
Also on the list of Wednesday silliness was the blown call by umpire Jerry Meals in Atlanta's 4-3 win in 19 innings over Pittsburgh early Wednesday morning.

By now surely you've seen this call and most likely agree the Braves' Julio Lugo was a good four feet from home plate when the Pirates' Mike McKenry tagged him out. While the call itself was silly, the more ridiculous part is that because of the lack of instant replay, Major League Baseball could do nothing to right the wrong.

Making a mistake is natural, we all do it, but refusing to fix a mistake simply for the sake of keeping things "natural" and allowing for the "human element" is stupid.

If that's the route the higher ups in baseball want to go, that's fine. Remove the batteries from their smoke detectors, along with that little bell that goes off in their cars when a door is ajar, and let them trust the human element while praying they slammed the hatch hard enough and don't get a sinus infection any time soon.

Other ridiculous acts of Wednesday
The Redskins are reportedly bringing in quarterback Kellen Clemsens to their group of second-string (at best) signal callers. John Beck is still the probable starter with Rex Grossman and Clemens likely to fight it out for the backup role.

The Cincinnati Bengals are playing the role of the bent ex-girl friend, with owner Mike Brown refusing to move Carson Palmer and help his franchise in exchange for being able to claim he didn't blink first.

Free Agent Craziness To Begin And The Class Of The 06 Rose Bowl At The Forefront

Lockout's over, let's jump in!
As the NFL lockout officially came to an end yesterday tell me you didn't feel like a kid standing at the edge of the pool and watching the final minutes of adult swim to tick off the clock. Just standing there, staring at the 14-year-old lifeguard, who momentarily was the most powerful person in the world, praying a sudden lightning storm doesn't roll in and prepping to drop a huge cannonball on every poolside mom.

Today we're all waiting for teams to start dropping free agency cannonballs and get this pool party back on track. The "adults" had their time to wade around awkwardly looking ridiculous and now it's time to get back to what's fun.

A timeline has been set. Today teams can start talking, Thursday official cuts can be made, and by Friday we will start to have players signed.

The free agent sprint will likely be something we've never seen before, and not in a bad way either. In that sweet Jurassic Park first time you saw a digital dinosaur way. Experts have predicted it will be like Thanksgiving and Christmas combined for football fans, which begs the question, Why don't we do this early year?

Seriously why not put teams in this position every year? Why not create a yearly pressure cooker by forcing teams to do all their free agency work in a tiny window just before the season starts?

What a great way to kick start the season. Can you image all the hype leading up to "Free Agent" week? It would have all the excitement of the NFL Draft, only with proven commodities, rather than products based purely on potential, while also allowing the fans to see who really are the geniuses in the front offices of these teams.

Just like taking the cannonball approach to getting in the pool, the only thing better than doing it, is doing it over and over again.

The Class of the 2006 Rose Bowl
Do you remember watching this game and thinking you were watching the future of the NFL on display? There was no doubt Matt Leinart, Vince Young, and Reggie Bush were about to take the league by storm.

It was similar to when you first heard The Simpsons were hitting the big screen. You'd watched them for years and were completely geeked to see what they could do on a bigger stage. Too bad the comparison doesn't stop there. (I don't know if I've ever been more disappointed in a movie. Yes, I've seen worse, but not when expecting so much.)

Five years and many a fantasy football team destroyed later, it's hard to imagine having such confidence in this group and as the free agent frenzy begins all three former college stars could be looking at new homes.

Bush's deal with New Orleans has appeared to be on the rocks ever since the Saints added Alabama's Mark Ingram to the backfield and, despite how it's spun, completely ticked off Reggie. Could he reboot his creditability as a lead running back in the league with a Florida team, same Tampa or Miami?

Vince Young, who may have the most upside of any quarterback out there, will all but assuredly be living somewhere other than Tennessee thanks to Titan's owner Bud Adams maintaining a consistent level of kookiness.

Yes, Vince comes with the typical Texas alumni issues. He makes dumb decisions, spends too much of his free time hanging around in Austin, and still kind of believes football players run the towns they play in, a la Varsity Blues. But he also has a 30-17 record under center, far better than a lot options out there and a stat that would look pretty good on the resume for a backup gig in a place like Philadelphia.

And then of course there is the golden boy, Matt Leinart. Real quick, who did Matt backup last season? Dan Orlovsky, the backup to Matt Schaub in Houston. Yup, ESPN the Magazine once did a commercial featuring the guy who is now a backup to a backup.

Is it at all possible the once last chance for Matt to savage his career could come by rekindling his relationship with his college coach Pete Carroll in Seattle? The Seahawks do need a quarterback and Leinart is currently sitting at the end of the discount rack.

Three guys we all thought would take the NFL by storm and five years later all three are just searching for a place to fit in.

So what about the other guys from that Rose Bowl?

Despite dropping all kind of lbs. thanks to giving up Tequila, LenDale White is still struggling for touches in Denver.

Former Texas receiver Limas Sweed sat out the 2010 season with an Achilles tear in Pittsburgh.

Former USC wide out Dwayne Jarrett was cut from the Panthers in 2010 and attempted to get Carroll to hook him up with a gig in Seattle, mostly likely to help pay his fines he received when he got his second DUI.

Michael Huff, former Longhorn defensive back, may in fact be the most successful of this group. Huff earned a Pro Bowl selection last year with Oakland after a season where he recorded 94 tackles, four sacks and three interceptions.

The NFL child-star window, the Kevin Kolb myth, and the Roethlisberger's wedding lockdown

The Child-Star Window
It appears the NFL lockout is over, but this whole situation really got me thinking about what the average career of a NFL player is like.

According to Businessweek.com the average player's career lasts 3.5 years, with a median salary of $770,000.

It's essentially the career of a child star. It's that tiny little window where a kid is still young enough to sell "cute," but old enough to memorize lines and follow directions. It's very small, so you have to make the most of it.

Disney Channel sit-com? Yes! Movie featuring a dog who joins the marching band? Absolutely! Co-host a random awards show in Japan with Tom Arnold? Where do I sign up? Even if it's awful you have to do it. You have to soak up all you can get before you grow out of cuteness and enter that awkwardly chubby and zitty stage of life.

NFL players are the same way. Sure some guys can survive a little longer. Some guys can go Justin Bieber and retain their 12-year-old appearance into their late teens, but more times than not, that's not the case. Most of the time it's a flash in the pan, grab as much as you can, and then disappear like that kid who played Peter Pan's son in Hook.

Yeah, maybe you'll reappear in an organization in the more tame uncle role in the show. An announcer, position coach, or financial adviser, but it won't be the same. The tiny window is closed leaving you with a few years of highlights, some good stories, and a handful of people claiming a drug problem led to your demise. Better make the most of it while you're still poster worthy.

Kevin Kolb? Really?
Once the lockout ends things are going to get a bit nutty with players shifting around all over the place, which is going to be awesome!

One of the biggest names out there is the Philadelphia Eagles' Kevin Kolb,--reportedly in talks with the Cardinals -- but honestly I can't figure out why?

This is a guy whose best ever quarterback rating is 88.9 and who tossed as many interceptions as he did touchdowns last season and yet he's being talked about he's going to be the cornerstone of a franchise.

The dude reminds me of America's Funniest Home Videos. Not the current one, the old school one with Bob Saget. Everyone "thought" that show was hilarious, but was it? Not really. There were like three clips funny groin shots, a cat falling off something, and a fat guy trying to climb out of a wading pool they spun on a loop. Other than that, it was just Bob trying to convince himself he was one day going to be something other than Danny Tanner. We were all collectively duped by a few clips and convinced to think that we thought the show was gold.

Similarly we've been duped by the Kolb hype. Yeah he's got a couple nice clips. He's had a few good days at work. But let's no go passing out raises and making him VP of sales just yet. So far he's a decent QB, but maybe he should play a little more before we declare him a franchise saver. Maybe say, an entire season?

Roethlisberger Wedding on Lockdown!
Part of me was surprised to learn about the massive secruity surrounding Ben Roethlisberger's wedding this weekend. But another part of me has seen enough crappy romantic comedies to know it was probably a wise move. When you've got a laundry list of past girls you haven't exactly left on good terms with, precautions such as showing a photo ID at the door must be taken to ensure some random former flame doesn't crash it and have a mid-ceremony meltdown.

The life lesson here: The less picky you are about who is allowed into your bathroom stall, the more picky you have to be with who is allowed into your wedding.

Woods cans caddie, Bart Scott wants more work, and Jim Tressel tributes?

Woods cans Williams
After 12 years, 72 wins, and 13 majors, Tiger Woods has given his long-time caddie Steve Williams his walking papers.

This is of course comes after Williams caddied for Adam Scott during the past three events, something many folks are spectating didn't sit well with Tiger. And why would it? I mean for guy who places such a high priority on monogamous relationships, wouldn't you expected him to want his caddie to be a one-golfer guy?

Williams stuck by Tiger through a destroyed fire hydrate, Woods completely disgracing one of his family friends, a handful of lack-luster at best performances, and weeks of being laid up due to injury. And how did Tiger reward that kind of loyalty? He handed him a box and told him not to forget to clean out all those Taco Bell sauce packets from the top drawer.

Classy Tiger. Classy.

Bart Scott just got a dirty look
From every other player on his team as he came out on Wednesday and complained about teams eliminating two-a-day practices.

Every high school team in the country has at least one extra-work guy. The guy who reminds the coach the team has done conditioning yet. The kid who begs to run bag drills and cheers when extra reps are added. And the kid who tells his teammates they are taking too long getting water. Sure, he's well intentioned, but you know what else he is? Not invited to the after practice pool party.

Granted, it's different for Bart. This is his job and he has every right to want him and his teammates to be in peak physical condition when that first whistle blows. Make no mistake about it, this is a big part of what makes him great.

But just like that guy who raises his hand right at the end of a presentation at work to remind the speaker they missed a slide, everyone shoots extra-work guy a dirty look when they see his hand go up. I'm guessing Bart got a few of those looks on Wednesday.

Should they rock the sweater vest?
High school football coaches in Ohio have decided to pay tribute to former Ohio State coach Jim Tressel by sporting the iconic sweater vest and tie during games this season.

Now obviously when you start using the word tribute in the same sentence with the name of a guy who got the boot for being shady at best, you're going to catch some heat. But does that make it wrong?

Let me ask that a different way. When you have a buddy who gets in trouble do you shy away from admitting he is your friend? When a person in your life let's you down, makes a mistake, possibly even breaks the law, do you cut all ties and wash your hands of them?

I hope not. Instead, I hope that while you acknowledge the wrong doings of the action, you remain beside your friend.

The same goes with Tressel in this instance. Yes the guy screwed up, but apparently he had a lasting enough impact on folks that they are willing to risk their reputations, along with style points, to show him support.

The more I think about this, the more I dig it and the more I think it will provide a grand opportunity to equip our youth with the ability to be a good friend. The ability to acknowledge a friend's mistakes without casting them off and remain supportive even when it's not popular. Lord knows we all could use more friends like that.

Dear NFL, just end the lockout and take us to the pool already

Waiting outside the NFL's door
You've been here before. You got your swim suit on. You found your cleanest dirty Ninja Turtles beach towel. And you've even gone ahead with the process of greasing yourself up with sunscreen to the point of not really being able to sit back in on the couch for fear of either, A. sticking to it, or B. becoming permanently covered with dog hair.

You're ready to kick at the pool for the day, but inside your folks bedroom you can hear the the hurdle standing in your way. An argument of epic pool-trip shattering proportions is going down in there and all you can do sit, getting cold and covered in goop, waiting it out.

Today as the labor negotiations continues, this is where the NFL fan lives. Just sitting by the door, swim trunks on, arm floaties inflated, and just waiting for everyone to work their crap out and hoping it happens before it's too late.

What exactly is the argument over? Who cares!

Did somebody let their feelings about Angelina Jolie being atop the hot mom list slip? Was their an issue over whether or not squash casserole was really a good idea for the church's summer picnic? -- It's not, by the way. Way to slimey for warm weather. -- Or is this just this just another sequel to the age-old debate of how long your little brother should be aloud to suck his thumb in public? Fourth graders can be cruel.

The NFL lockout is the same way. Honestly, you could spend days and nights going over the issues and trying to figure out who has a better case, but do we really care? No! Do we really care about the impact of the Colts not being allowed to franchise tag Peyton Manning? Or how exactly the rookie wage scale is shaking out? No! We just want them to get their crap together before they start ruining our fun.

Now I will say it seems the league and the players have entered that point in the argument where everything gets real quiet. Both sides are quietly evaluating the circumstances and wondering if they've squeezed this fight for all its worth. Heck the players might even put it to a vote today.

Every kid knows how crucial this time is. One slip up. One reference to Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and you could be spending the afternoon trying to convince yourself that two inches of grass-filled water in that wading pool isn't disgusting. This moment needs to go smooth for the sake of event.

Today's meeting need to go smooth. As fans we don't care about the how or the why, we just want it over with. We just want to get on with our preseason and start figuring out exactly how we're going to screw over the lady in Accounting in this year's fantasy draft.

So get over your crap NFL and take us to the pool before the hot lifeguard takes off for the day.

Soccer Guy Fades Away and Golf Still Starless

Soccer Fallout
So the United States lost to Japan, (3) 2-2 (1), in Sunday's World Cup Final. That's the bad news.

The good news, you don't have to pretend to be soccer guy at work today.

Yup, no more mornings spent trying to casually drop Abby Wambach's name into conversations as if you didn't mistake her for Justin Bieber's mom last week. You can finally start saying zero again instead of nil. And you can take that Alex Morgan poster in your cubical down. Well, actually go ahead and keep that up. Or mail it to me. Your choice.

Now don't get me wrong, I wanted the U.S. to win as much as anyone, but let's be honest about this whole thing. It was the flavor of the month, nothing more, nothing less. It reminds me of the summer Jurassic Park came out and suddenly everyone was a dinosaur expert. Not only was your lunch box and book bag covered with T-Rex, you also felt the need to drop your knowledge on the myth of the brontosaurus as often as possible. Little mini scientists popped up everywhere.

The past few weeks of soccer hype pretty much produced the same thing. Suddenly our offices, schools, and bars were filled with soccer (or futbol if they are super obnoxious) "experts." Suddenly folks you've known for years were trying to give the impression they had been closet Hope Solo fans for years and had been spending their weekends hiding out in the local European dive bar in order to get their fix.

But all that's over now and just like alien hype replaced dinosaur hype, the office soccer chatter will soon be replaced with the next sexy topic.

Golf still starless
Heading into The British Open this weekend, many folks saw this as a grand opportunity for a youngster like Rory McIlroy to solidify himself as the next stud. Instead we saw a 42-year-old, not even ranked in the top-100 players, cruise to a victory, as Darren Clarke won the Claret Jug.

Now Darren has one of those great come out of nowhere stories. He's got that common guy, pound a Camel Light between holes and skip the final hole to make happy hour appeal, so it was great to see him victorious. But does it really help the sport overall?

Right now the world of golf looks a lot like one of those ever-popular romantic comedies with a huge ensemble cast producing about 10 different story lines, none of which are super interesting. The plot jumps from one to the other, never letting you become really invested in any of them and leaving you wondering who you are suppose to be pulling for?

Is Jamie Foxx the main guy? Is it Bradley Cooper? What about Eric Foreman? What's his deal? Why aren't more people realizing Anne Hathaway is a completely suped-up version of Jennifer Garner? And why is Queen Latifah even in this movie?

That's how golf is right now. Who is the good guy? Is there a bad guy? Is there ever going to be a storyline that lasts longer than two weeks? Where are the stars?

You can feel the power vacuum. You can feel the sport needing someone to step up and wanting someone to become a star. But so far no one seems to be about to do it.

The NCAA plays time traveler and more North Korean super powers exposed!

The NCAA messes with the space-time continuum yet again
It what is becoming a more and more common scene, Thursday the NCAA forced Georgia Tech to vacate three games from its 2009 season - a loss to rival Georgia, their ACC championship victory, and their loss to Iowa in the Orange Bowl - because of numerous violations including Demaryius Thomas taking $312 worth of clothes and them prepping their guys prior to being interviewed by the investigation committee.

Of course they face a few other penalties as well, fines and future probations, but read that list of vacated games again. Did they just get two losses removed from their recorded? That's part of their punishment?

And does that mean Iowa and Georgia need their records adjust as well? Surely if there is no loser, they're can't be a winner. Of course then you have to ask how that effects the rest of college football and the butterfly effect keeps rolling.

This is just the lately example of the NCAA attempting to wipe their history as clean as Marty McFly's photo at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. Better look quick kids, Demaryius Thomas in a Micky Mouse shirt is starting to fade!

I'm not saying the Yellow Jackets shouldn't be punished, I'm just wondering what purpose it serves other than producing a record book which could easily be used as a Mad Lib worksheet. The games happened, the awards were given, and the kids have moved on. It's like my high school Spanish teacher trying to revoke my C because she just learned I had a cheat sheet with Spanish translations for desserts hidden up my sleeve. Go ahead and make me vacate it. It really won't change my life today and I'll still be screwed if I need to order ice cream in Mexico.

It's dangerous when you start trying to clean up history, Doc Brown knew this, but apparently the NCAA does not. Have they even thought out how this will play out for various trophy displays or t-shirts? Are they planning to replace Georgia Tech's logo in the ACC champions display with a big blank spot? Or perhaps a stack of $312. Maybe even mix in the googly eyed Geico stack? They might as well, because whatever they do, it's going to be awkward.

All I know for sure, is that 500 years from now kids looking through our sports records will seriously wonder if we had ice ages about every over year or so.

Lightning and roids; Best combo ever!
A little over a month from allegedly being struck by lightning, the North Korean women's soccer team has reportedly tested positive for steroids.

As if being struck by lightning wasn't enough - often resulting in super powers and/or the ability to read minds according to vast comic book related research - the apparent way to treat such an incident is to juice it up.

FIFA will hear the team's argument and most likely decide to punish the North Koreans in some way. Well, that is so long as Andy Pettitte's wife isn't mentioned during the discussion.

James Harrison is the NFL's Tasmania Devil, Abby Wambach amazes, and the return of Old Randy

The NFL's Tasmanian Devil
That pretty much sums up what James Harrison is. An absolutely insane guy, tearing through the world at land-speed record pace, and all the while spouting out all kinds of nonsensical babblings.

Should it really surprise us that in Men's Journal magazine he rips his teammates, including Ben Roethlisberger, and poses with a couple guns under the title "Hitman," giving off the feel he's about to play the role of the final boss in Pittsburgh's version of "Grand Theft Auto?"

Should we be floored by him calling commissioner Roger Goodell the devil, a crook, a gay slur, and mentions that if Goodell was on fire he wouldn't pee on him to put it out?

(By the way, is that even possible? Looking at you Mythbusters.)

No. Taz and James are both out of their minds, so no mess they barrel their way into or through should really shock us.

But, do you want this guy on your team? Heck yes!

Just like with Taz, you're going to hear a lot of bizarre phrases and words that you think he is just making up, but you can't let it bother you. Very few others in the business can do what he does and do it as well as he does.

So you pick him up, let him do his thing, and just stay as much out of his way as possible. I mean let's be honest, they kept Taz around for the show, but there's a reason you never saw Bugs and Daffy kicking it with him. James' apparent similar level of social skills makes me think he'll be pretty much that same position this season in Pittsburgh.

U.S. wins!
Yeah, this is the most I've thought about women's soccer outside of that Kevin Garnett foosball commercial, but this year's U.S. women's team is a lot of fun to watch and Wednesday they proved it again, taking down France, 3-1. Really who doesn't enjoy beating the French?

A big part of their success is Abby Wambach's amazing ability to head the ball. Wednesday it was her header that broke the 1-1 tie and pushed the U.S. to the eventual victory.

More impress than the shot itself? Abby also made it all the way to L.A. last night and was able to speak with ESPN's Colin Cowherd at the ESPYs about her movie Never Say Never. Amazing!

Old Randy is back!
Or so says his agent Joel Segal, who claims the 33-year-old is in freakish shape.

The question now is which "Old Randy" are we talking about? Are we talking straight-cash-homie "Old Randy," moon-the-fans-touchdown-celebration "Old Randy," or suck-up-some-Al-Davis-coin-and-disappear "Old Randy?"

Like the previously mentioned Harrison, Randy is out of his mind. The difference though is in the multiple personalities of craziness Randy brings to the table. That is what makes him so hard to figure out.

If teams can see what flavor of crazy is coming they can prep for it, pad the walls and brace themselves for an upcoming meltdown or two. It’s that inconsistent crazy that will get you. It’s that crazy that shows up one day ready and willing to work and the next flips out and refuses to practice because there are blue curtains in the showers or someone forgot to refill his Pez dispensers.

No matter which version of “Old Randy” shows up this fall, it’s going to be a crazy one. The real question is going to be which team is desperate enough to attempt to harness one of the “Old Randys?”

The Home Run Marathon's great finish and Derek Jeter's all tuckered out.

Marathon Derby
Robinson Cano put on a show in his final at bat, taking down Adrian Gonzalez, 12-11, to earn the 2011 Home Run Derby title. It was a fabulous ending with his father Jose pitching to him and was really begging for some sweet James Earl Jones narration. The problem though was that it took darn near three hours to get there.

I have the same issue with "The Lord of the Rings" flicks. I love sweet battle scenes, dragons, and hot elf girls as much as anyone, but you're killing me when you ask that I watch hours of hobbits walking just to get there.

30 minutes in my prevailing thoughts are, "Come on Elijah Wood, pick it up! And tell Rudy to quit wasting time wrestling around with Steve Buscemi!"

Similar were my thoughts a half-hour into the derby last night. "Swing faster! No, don't step out of the box! Dear Lord Matt Kemp, why did you even show up!"

It was a great ending, one that I hope folks stuck around for. But if they didn't I can't blame them. Three hours of BP watching can be exhausting for anyone.

Speaking of exhausted
Maybe Derek Jeter was worried taking in all three hours of the derby on Monday would just make him entirely too tired to walk out and tip his cap Tuesday night.

Jeter announced Monday that not only will it not play in the All-Star game, he's just way to tuckered out to even show up. Emotional exhaustion is what he's calling it. Sleepy, lazy, and selfish are what others are referring to it as.

This is just another example of where the game sits on some of the league's top players' priority list. Dude wouldn't even make an appearance. Wouldn't even tip his cap to the fans. It's just too much. Too exhausting. He just doesn't have it in the tank.

I get it. Waving is tough when you're "emotionally exhausted." Heck sometimes when I'm driving, I don't even take my hand off the wheel to wave. I just tip a couple fingers and hope that suffices.

As much as we hear players talk about how important the fans are - the ones who play tons of money to travel and attend this game - giving them a tip of the cap really is a lot to ask. Yeah fans are the whole reason they get to live the life they do, but guys like Jeter shouldn't feel obligated wave or smile or, God forbid, walk out onto the field.

No, players need their rest. Especially their emotional rest.

Enjoy your emotional nap Derek.

One thought for the game...
What if players could re-enter the game at any time?

One of the best qualities the NBA All-Star game is the potential for the greats to be in the contest in the finals minutes for a grand finale. In baseball you don't really get that. Most start the game, play a few innings, and are pulled.

But what if managers had the option to put those players back in the game? What if they at least had the chance to use one as a pinch hitter or a pinch runner?

How much will you watch tonight?
With 16 of the elected players not participating, how much of this All-Star game will you actually sit down and view? What do you hope to see? If you don't plan on watching, what could happen that would rope you in for the entirely of the game?

All-Star Injury Outbreak, Pacman Jones' Neck Brace Defense, and More!

Sudden soreness is spreading
The closer we get to the MLB All-Star game, the longer the list of players needing to sit out with some "injury" becomes. As of Monday, 16 players elected to Tuesday's game have bailed, only four of which are actually on the disabled list.

It's pretty clear what once was seen as an honor has devolved into event carrying about the same amount of pride as a church picnic volleyball match.

Sure, when you're a little younger that game is fun. You come ready to play and you'll even break a good sweat trying to throw the hammer down on some 60-year-old lady during the 10-on-10 match. But a couple years later you find yourself just going through the motions in flip flops and while trying to eat a popsicle. At that point it's a slippery slope till you're using a sore back or tight hammy as your excuse to just hang by the dessert tray rather than even taking the field.

It's very obvious the priority level of the All-Star game amongst the players has tanked out at an all-time low. Despite baseball's efforts to tell us "it counts," it doesn't.

So what is the point then? If 16 of the best players sit out, is it really an All-Star game or should we just go ahead and rename it, the "Available Kinda-Stars Game" or the "Stars who don't have the leagues' number saved in their phone and accidentally picked up" game?

I'm not sure what a more appropriate title would be, but what I am sure about is the need for change before this whole thing crashes and burns. Nothing spreads faster than complacency and this year's elected squad is filled to the brim with it.

The Ol' Neck Brace Defense
This may be the best just out of the drunk tank video outside of the time Otis stayed in that cell with the goat who ate all that dynamite in Mayberry.

Pacman was arrested late Saturday night at a bar in Cincinnati for disorderly conduct while intoxicated and resisting arrest.

Pacman Jones' defense? How could he be resisting arrest, he's wearing a neck brace! Very classy.

Pay close attention to him walking away, particularly his shirt. If he wasn't resisting arrest and didn't get into any scuffles, he apparently has an awful case of moths at his house.

More Positive Thoughts From The Weekend
-- Derek Jeter breaks 3,000 hits with his storybook 5-for-5 game and with no. 3,000 being a homer. Maybe for a month or so the baseball word can get off this bench-Jeter bandwagon it's been riding since April.

-- The U.S. Women's soccer team takes out Brazil, (3)2-2(5), in an elimination game of the World Cup Sunday. It was exciting and everyone celebrated in a very high school graduation-esque manner. Everyone is happy they achieved it, but it they hadn't it's doubtful anyone would bring it up.

On a side note: I do want to marry Hope Solo, take her last name, and proceed to have a son named Han.

Steeler Hines Ward arrested in Georgia

Maybe the Steelers should just stay out of Georgia
Saturday morning Pittsburgh wide receiver Hines Ward was arrested for driving under the influence in Dekalb County, becoming the second major Steeler star to get busted down in Georgia is as many off seasons.

In March of 2010 it was Ben Roethlisberger who got in trouble in "The Peach State" when he slipped and fell into a dirty bathroom stall with a college student in Milledgeville, GA.

The reigning "Dancing with the Stars" champ was held on a $1,000 bond, which he posted and was then released.

Of course this whole situation raises plenty of questions...

-- Should Pittsburgh ban its players from off season parties below the Mason-Dixon line? With a pattern of the "Dirty South" rubbing off on their guys, should they try to head it off?

-- If Hines goes ahead a vacates his "Dancing with the Stars" title, could he receive a lighter sentence? Self-imposed punishments are really sexy right now.

-- How often will Hines see Ben's cell phone number scratched into bathroom stall walls as he travels across the state? Let's set the under/over at three for now.

-- Better Steeler warm up song; Vikki Lawrence's "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" or Charlie Daniels' "The Devil went Down to Georgia?" I'm game either way.

-- And most of all, what role did rumored Cleveland Browns fan Jefferson Davis "Boss" Hogg have in all this? And can Hines get out of any future punishment simply by performing his dance routine at the Boar's Nest on Saturday night?

The "What ifs" of LeBron James' decision

Oh memory road!
Some times it's fun to take a look back at old relationships and wonder about what could have been. Ask the "what ifs." Ponder how things might have panned out. Create a little collage of photos showing what the kids would have looked like.

At this time last year folks everywhere were going to work with their glue sticks trying to decide where LeBron James would look best. Little did they know within months they would being using those same glue sticks to paste horns and a pointy tail on LeBron's mug, along with using a marker to write the word "sucks" after his name or a similar rhyming word in front of it.

But what if the decision hadn't panned out the way it did? What if we weren't given the best set of villains and ticket-selling cash cows the league had ever seen? What if I could tell people I was taking my talents to South Beach without sounding like a total douche?

So what if...

He stayed in Cleveland?
For starters we would all still be "witnesses," or at least suffering from another year's worth of LeBron chalk-toss commercials. Seriously, you pay for premium seats and what do you get? A dusting.

Of course we also obviously would be without a multitude of Cleveland street fire photos, Baron Davis probably wouldn't have had to buy a snow shovel, and Byron Scott wouldn't feel like the 16-year-old who just got sold a "gently" used '91 Honda Civic, which turned out to be missing two cylinders.

The Cavs would have fought for fourth place against the Magic and made second round-exit from the playoffs. Cleveland would be staring at at least six more years of loving October far more than May.

*Beyond basketball, Mike Vick would land on the cover of Madden over Peyton Hillis. In fact, I don't even think Peyton makes a run at the fan-voted cover if LBJ sticks it out. Without that stardom vacuum created by LeBron's absence there would be a lot less giddiness about Peyton and his guns.

Went to Chicago?
There is no way Derrick Rose doesn't win the MVP and actually, playing with LBJ might have stunted his growth into stardom as a whole. He'd still be good, but more All-Star game bench good than MVP good.

The Bulls wouldn't have managed the top record in the league, but would have pulled it together in time to lose in the NBA Finals to the Mavericks. Chicago would have been happy though...for now.

Of course, constantly badgered by comparisons to Michael Jordan, LeBron would become frustrated, often reminding Chicagoans when they wake up tomorrow their lives will still suck, and creating a tense relationship.

Jay Cutler and LeBron would begin frequently texting.

Joined New York?
I'm pretty sure putting Mike D'Antoni in charge of LeBron's basketball guidance would have worked about as well as putting Paula Dean in charge of a support group for compulsive overeaters. Lacking a really good point guard, D'Antoni would have quickly tried to harness LBJ's powers at the point, creating a two-man game which would be deadly on Xbox, but awful in league play.

Despite still failing to join the top tier of the Eastern Conference, Knick fan would be very happy simply because neither of the two's names contained the words Eddy or Curry.

They wouldn't have traded for Carmelo Anthony, but might have very well opted to lure in Deron Williams from Utah, that is if D'Antoni finally acknowledged he wasn't playing NBA Jam and need a legit point. If that deal somehow worked out, bells and whistles ringing, "crosstown rivalry" start going off in Carmelo's head, he would go to the Nets, and suddenly two lukewarm teams with over-paid and underachieving talent would steal the league's spotlight.

Oh, and LeBron would have a cameo role in "Zookeeper" and whatever crappy Adam Sandler movie containing a scene to make him look semi-athletic comes out next.

And how about New Jersey?
Bringing LBJ to New Jersey would have changed the entire culture of this franchise. The team soon leaving for Brooklyn would have quickly used its mass resource to sell itself as the cool villains of Gotham. - Think L.A. Raiders. - The Russian billionaire owner as the crime boss. The leagues most coveted player as the rogue agent. And of course, a group of youngsters to help him out, each with there own area of expertise and quirky personality.

Now don't get me wrong, they wouldn't exactly take the world by storm this first year. They'd fight for the fifth or sixth spot in the East and then bow out early in the playoffs, but wouldn't clearly have world dominance on their goal list.

With that said, there is no way Mikhail Prokhorov let's the league get locked out just as act two of his grand scheme begins to take place. Instead, Prokhorov takes it upon himself to negotiate between the players and owners, getting the deal done in one week once both sides realize how hard it is to test their food for plutonium before each meal.

Prokhorov also springs for hair plugs for a certain member of his team so he isn't embarrassed during his guest spot on Jersey Shore.

But in reality
LeBron went to the team he felt gave him the best chance to win, and like it or not, has made the entire league a ton of money along the way.

Roy Williams wants a refund and the secret to Albert Pujols' recovery

Texas has the best mailmen in the country
Or at least that is apparently how Cowboys' receiver Roy Williams feels as today it was learned Williams mailed an engagement "package" to former Miss Texas USA, Brooke Daniels.

The package included five-grand for school and medical bills, - obviously a smart girl with good teeth is crucial - a baseball for her brother, - got to keep the family smiling - and a taped message asking for her hand in marriage.

Oh yeah, and a ring worth $76,000!

Obviously Roy has a lot more faith in the same group who routinely shreds my Eastbay catalogs, but how does this even happen? Was he thinking of heading over to ask her to tie the knot one day and just thought, "You know, I'm beat, 'Prince of Persia' is coming on HBO, and I do love me some Jake Gyllenhal. Well, stamp it up!"

Wonder if he went bubble wrap or packing peanuts? Oh, or maybe he went old school and just wrapped it in old comics sections from the newspaper. Yeah, that's classy!

Now as the story goes, she isn't digging Roy's mail-order style, turned him down, and proceeded to "lose" the ring somewhere in her father's pocket. So Roy is doing what any heart-broken dude does and is suing her to get the ring back.

Which begs another question; what about the teeth money? Is Roy also asking for her gold crowns to be removed?

If so and he can get it back, along with the ring, I think that sketchy gold exchange place I keep seeing infomercials for is the way to go. They'll take them both back, give Roy a good price, and best of all, will take them by mail.

Is Pujols hiding Pat Morita?
Less than three weeks after breaking his arm in a collision at first base and thinking he was done for at least six, Albert Pujols is set to return to a major league game. If you've seen the injury, you know this just seems to good to be true. Amazing. Dude's arm got snapped and here he is spending less time sidelined than most of us did when we got chicken pox. How could this be?

There really is only one plausible solution, the Miyagi hands!

I know allegedly the guy pasted away in 2005, but to be honest I've always had my doubts about if the guy really even had the ability to pass away. Now it's pretty clear my theory that he faked his own death in order to avoid any connection what-so-ever with the new Bow Wow Karate Kid reboot and is living in the St. Louis underground.

Aside from the possibility of Albert really being a robot, I can't think of any other way a human could recover so quickly.

The only question now is how many fences Al had to paint and cars he had to wax to pay off the healing.

Predictions for the NBA Lockout

You don't need a Magic 8 ball to figure what the outcome of the NBA lockout is going to be. - Let's face it, you just shake that thing until it agrees the girl from Spanish class likes you anyway. - Nope. All you need is a little historical context and some common sense and it becomes pretty clear how this thing will pan out. So let's get some answers!

The length of the 2011-12 season
50 games. Why? Because they can.

The 1999 season was limited to 50 games because of a similar strike and, I forget, how exactly did it hurt the league? Oh, yeah. It didn't.

It boils down to simple human nature. Think about it. Work starts at 9 a.m. The first couple weeks you show up at 15 till. The next couple, 9 a.m. on the dot. Then one day you are running late, show up at 9:30 a.m. and no one notices. Pretty soon is there an real urgency to get to work by 9 a.m.? Nope. If stuff comes up, the dog runs off or there is just a sweet buy-one-get-one-free sale on Bo Berry Biscuits, delaying your arrival to work is no big deal.

The NBA showed up late once and no one cared. The season went on and not a single fan really complained. Why would they feel any urgency to get there faster now?

The Megan Fox-ness of the NBA
This lockout will make this point very clear; people love NBA posters far more than they love watching NBA games. The poster is good, but don't ask me to watch the on screen performance.

Save a few great match ups and parts of the playoffs, this is most "fans" secret take on the league. They love the commercials, the personalities, and the shoes. Heck, they might even sit through a sweet You Tube highlight reel of their favorite guy. But when it comes to sitting down to watch an entire NBA event, no sir! Family Guy is on, Facebook statuses are changing, and they've got some texting to do.

This is a big part of the reason the league won't sweat a 50-game season. They can still sell shoes, posters, and NBA Lego sets without every having a tip off. And best, or worst, of all, the majority of folks will be just fine with that.

The lockout will usher out veteran stars
Before the '99 lockout Vin Baker, Scottie Pippen, Shawn Kemp, Glen Rice, and Hakeem Olajuwon were all megastars. Within three years of the shortened season, they had all but completely disappeared.

Yeah these guys were on the downswing of their careers, but it's hard to imagine take an extended break didn't accelerate the process. A little more time off.

It's like the month of a job you're about to ditch. You take a few three-day weekends, have a couple "sick" days, and even roll out 15 minutes early on your final day. Screw it. You checked out long ago.

At some point the NBA becomes just employment for these guys and taking extra time off with no doubt highlight this. A little longer vacation in the Bahamas. A little more time with the fam. Suddenly the motivation to work becomes less and less.

Whether it is a lack of off-season work, the draining of motivation, or just the wackiness that comes with a change of schedule, a shortened season will most likely result in more than a few prime guys heading towards the door.

This will be the final push out for the Vince Carters, Ron Artests, Baron Davises, and Jason Kidds of the league - not to mention Boston's entire Big 3 - but it also may very well also speed up the down word spirals of Kobe Bryant, Dirk Nowitzki, and Steve Nash. By 2013 we'll be looking at a vastly different cast of stars.

*Despite all this, somehow Marcus Camby will remain in the league 10 more seasons.

Kobe the Zombie?
Speaking of Kobe Bryant, he recently underwent some experimental platelet treatments on his knee in Germany. Based solely on my experiences playing Wolfenstein, this is bad news for everyone.

Overseas is much cooler now
More and more guys you know are going to be playing international ball. Undrafted rookies and free agents will likely be taking off in order to keep the lights on.

In '99 this wasn't really an option, we were still kind of stuck in that "Only in America" phase of the NBA, but nowadays we go flipping buck wild at the thought of doing something "international." Just check out how many of your local grocery stores now have sushi sections. International awareness is the new national pride. Add in the advent of better communication, simplified travel, and enough cable channels to cover all the action, and suddenly playing overseas really isn't that big of a leap.

With no summer league or ability to sign free agent contacts, guys like Duke's John Scheyer - who just signed with Israeli team Maccabi Tel Aviv - will pack their bags and ship out.

While it's not like this hasn't happened before, we've seen the Josh Childresses of the basketball do this, this may very well be the first time we know players on the majority of international teams. Also it's not unthinkable that some network is going to make a run at selling us a midweek international hoops special.

In the end..
All will be fine. The lockout will end, the league will go on, and in a few years it will just be as fuzzy as you junior-year prom. You kind of remember, there are pictures somewhere, but aside from getting mad free pizza at the after-prom party, no real details of it remain in your head.

The Circus that is the NBA Lockout

Lock it up!
At 12:01 a.m. Friday morning the chains were laid across the NBA's doors and the league was officially locked out for the first time since the 1998-1999 season.

Just like when you first hear the guy in your neighborhood with the Benz and the sweet in ground pool has filed for bankruptcy, your first thoughts probably went something like...."How could this happen? I thought things were going great. Are we still having the 4th of July cookout at his place? I hope, dude has a smoker. Wait. Does he still have his smoker?"

How could this happen with the NBA coming off what was arguably one of its best seasons ever? They just had an extremely popular Finals series. They set the highest ABC summer rating marks in nearly 10 years. The long time superstar Dirk Nowitzki finally got a ring. And the possibly the league's best set of villains ever in LeBron James and the Miami Heat, took it on the chin.

So what gives? What happened? The answer lies in the circus.

Circuses used to be everywhere. They'd mix in some clowns, a semi-sketchy magician, a few elephants and the main event, a lion. Few a time, circuses were booming.

Pretty soon though, they realized the lion was the key. If they had the lion, they had the people, and anyone who had a lion, had a circus. The problem was there weren't enough lions and pretty soon the classic big tent event devolved into four dirty clowns and litter of trick poodles hosted in your elementary school's gym/cafeteria.

In the early 1990s the NBA was booming. Micheal Jordan's silhouette was on every kid's shoes, NBA Jam was sucking up their quarters at the arcade, and NBA Inside Stuff was required Saturday morning TV viewing. Remember that show? Ahmad Rashad, Summer Sanders, and that feature on Karl Malone's tractor trailer. Yeah, the one with the western scene painted on the side. Awesome.

Business was good and what did the league decide? We need more teams! Let's go to Canada! The league expanded to 30 teams and there weren't enough stars to go around. Suddenly you and I were being pitched Tracy McGrady as a Fathead worthy star. The lions ran thin.

For years they tried to pitch us on one lion shows. The Kevin Garnett T-Wolves. The Reggie Miller Pacers. And the Allen Iverson 76ers. We bought enough tickets, we enjoyed the show enough to convince the league things were good.

But not every team could get a real lion, so replacement lions began to pop up. The Stephon Marbury Suns. The Tracy McGrady Magic. The Gilbert Arenas Wizards. And the Antione Walker Celtics. And worst of all, they feed the fake lions enough steak to convince them they were real lions.

Of course it didn't take long before the crowds noticed. It didn't take long for some kid to yell, "Hey, that's not a lion! That's just a bobcat with Amish beard glued on!" I.E. Baron Davis. - Granted I do like Baron's beard. - And pretty soon reruns of CSI began to look like a better option than heading out to watch the game.

Still, the league managed for a while. But then in 2007 a few of the lions got wise. Allen and Garnett joined Paul Pierce in Boston and put together a head turning show that produced a championship banner. Other lions took notice and began to pack their bags, leaving more and more teams lacking its much needed star.

Now, in 2011, we find ourselves staring at 30 teams, the majority of which have no true star power, nor a ensemble cast solid enough to produce a decent nightly show. Many of the circus owners are now struggling to make ends meet, while still having to feed steak to many of the fake lions. *Cough, Rashard Lewis, *cough cough.

Despite coming off one of its most watched and talked about seasons, plenty teams are struggling to make ends meet enough to continue cutting checks to their "stars" and falling deeper in debt because of it.

And there in lies the big dilemma of the lockout. Convincing guys they aren't worth what you already told them they were. Convincing someone you've been feeding steak to for years, they are now only worthy of meatloaf. Really really good meatloaf, the kind with bacon on it, but meatloaf none the less.

It's a difficult sale to make, but one ringleader David Stern must make happen if the show is to go on.