The Back Porch

Tomlinson might make the Vikings a fantasy team, Carl Edwards gets a smack on the wrist, and Jim Sorgi holds another Manning's playbook

Wed, 10 Mar, 2010 01:14:52 GMT

Thought #1

The 2010 Minnesota Vikings may very well look like my 2008 fantasy football team. Reportedly LaDainian Tomlinson will visit the Vikes Thursday with the possibility of replacing former back up running back Chester Taylor on the table. Taylor, who signed with the Bears recently as put of their opening day spending spree, left some decent sized shoes to fill in Minnesota but if this works out there is no doubt LT's feet might very well burst the seems out of those puppies though.

Could their possibility be a more dream scenario for Vikings fans? Now granted 2010 LT isn't the same as 2006 LT, but he's made it no secret that he is ok with playing the mentor role. Could he possibly teach Peterson the elusive art of holding onto the rock? Maybe even convince him to upgrade his wardrobe to include that tinted visor? You know that thing adds something to the "holy crap what's he going to do next," mindset.

Can you imagine being a defense against that combo? "Whew, AD's finally taking a breather, now all we have to worry about is getting lit up by a completely rested LT." The Vikings would honestly be one Andre Johnson and the Jets defense away from a legitimate contender in the major of fantasy leagues around the country. And if this does go down, Brett is going to have a heck of a hard time choosing football in that field with his dog over playing with these two.

Thought #2

Carl Edwards was officially put on 3 weeks probation today by NASCAR for his intentional wrecking of Brad Keselowski and his unintentional attempted homicide of Brad and endangerment thousands of fans.

Now I will say, I'm a fan of the whole rubbing is racing philosophy, but NASCAR has got to decide what they really want here. If you are going to come out and say you want the fellas to settle things on the track, don't come out when something goes horribly wrong and act surprised. And worse than that, don't come out and offer up some ridiculous fake punishment. Probation? Really? What does that even mean? "Ok Mr. Edwards, for 3 weeks no almost killing other drivers and fans on the track. You just watch yourself buddy or you'll be on double secret probation come that forth week." Yeah, this about as effective as a kid's punishment being to have a "conference" with the principal at school after being caught smoking in the Boy's room. Sure, after that in depth chat he won't do it again, that is until he swipes another pack of his non-filters and a hall pass.

The bottom line is that NASCAR has be losing fans and was hoping a little beating and banging would increase the increase of the casual viewer. Let's make this clear, they aren't upset for what Edwards did, it was exactly what they wanted, they are just upset of the outcome. If that car doesn't go airborne, then this goes down as just another little rivalry they can try to build up during the pre-race show. Now that things got a little more serious, sure they are apologetic, but secertly you know they are digging the fact that people are talking about stock car racing on a random Tuesday in March.

Thought #3

Congratulations Jim Sorgi, you've gotten a new gig. No longer to have to spend your Sundays wearing an ugly hat and carrying around for Peyton Manning, you can now wear an ugly hat and carry one for Eli. Sorgi just got signed by the New York Giants, where he will compete for the role of clip board holder #1. Now on one hand you think, man dude can't get a break, but on the other you think, sweet pay check and he'll still have the ability to walk when he's 50. Let's face it, back up QB might be one of the best jobs ever. Decent pay check, free travel, free team gear, and no need to take that awkward post game shower. Just walk off the field, ask the coach where the clean jerseys go, and head to the post game buffet. Sure you'd like to play someday, but at the same time you look at the guy on crutches beside you, struggling to get his blood stained pads off and think, "hmm, maybe I'm good."

Allen Iverson, drinking and gambling his way into the life of a hobo and the Spurs are hurt yet again

Tue, 9 Mar, 2010 11:57:58 GMT

Thought #1

It's pretty clear that the career of Allen Iverson is snowballing out of control right now. Recently all ties between AI and the 76ers were cut following reports of him being out at night club while on leave from the team to attend to his sick daughter. Today ESPN has reported that several sources claim Allen is facing some serious alcohol and gambling problems.

Not exactly what hope to hear from a guy watching his career come to a stumbling hault. You know when you hear about guys losing their jobs typically you hope they pick up the pieces, maybe find pleasure in some related field, or just kind of slide out of the limelight gracefully. Turning to the bottle and slot machines for comfort is not exactly the most positive alternative. In fact, the combination of boozing and decision making with large amounts of money, rarely seems to work out well as a successful coping mechanism.

This is just the latest problem Allen is facing, along with his wife filing for divorce and full custody of their children, and of course his fading career. With this recent addition "The Answer" is moving dangerously close to Dennis Rodman sketchy ex-athlete territory. You know, the place where a player is known far more for their off the court misgivings, than their on the court brilliance. Think about it, what's Rodman known best for? That's right, rocking a wedding dress and creeping out little kids, not his amazing rebounding ability. If Iverson isn't careful and turn this thing around, his amazing NBA career will very likely be overshadowed by the image of hobo AI, throwing back Old Crow whiskey and shooting dice in an alley with ashy Larry.

Thought #2

Tell me if you've heard this before; The San Antonio Spurs will be without one of their stars for a while. Sound familiar? Sound like every season for about the past 6 years? It should. The Spurs learned today that they will be without guard Tony Parker for six weeks following breaking his right hand.

Are the Spurs ever healthy? They remind me of that kid in elementary school who had no immune system. That kid would miss about 75 days of school a year, and the days he was there, he stayed in the nurse's office half of the day. He was allergic to gluten, all forms of nuts, milk, eggs, sugar, tap water, and air. Anytime your class had a party, that kids mom had to truck in some special soy bean crackers for him to nibble while the rest of you slammed cupcakes. And you know you didn't want to be within 10 feet of that kid and his massive supply of hand sanitizer. I swear that kid's mom bathed him in that stuff and he still couldn't make it to Halloween before having the swine flu twice.

The Spurs are the NBA's version of the sick kid. They are always hurting in some way, and right when you think they're turning the corner, bam, Tony goes down with a hand, Duncan turns an ankle, or Manu gets attacked by a bat. The good news is, being the sick kid, you get used to dealing with it, seeing it coming, and cope a little better than most. All that experience missing school and watching the Price is Right has taught the Spurs how to stay in contention through their illnesses.

Roethlisberger accused of sexual assault yet again, The Bears go Redskins on the market, and NCAA tourny thoughts

Sun, 7 Mar, 2010 01:58:25 GMT

Thought #1

With children one thing is for certain; if you let a kid get away with something once, the odds of them doing it again shoot throw the roof. Think about it. Kid steals a cookie before dinner, you let it slide, be darned sure that kid will be pounding 3 or 4 more before the meal and then refusing to eat the tuna helper you whipped up. Let a kid get away with playing hooky from school and suddenly that kid is on Web MD and claiming he has the last known case of the black plague.

Turns out NFL players and kids have a lot in common and Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger may have just proven this theory correct yet again. Big Ben, fresh off one case of sexually assault accusations in Lake Tahoe, is under investigation for similar actions in Georgia following a night of barhopping with his boys.

Now granted nothing has been even close to proven, in fact Ben has not even be charged, but you have to think that when you consistently are seeing smoke, eventually you are going to find a fire. Ben may or may not be guilty of the assault, but he is guilty of making some poor decisions. When you are a multi million dollar and extremely well known QB, hanging out at bars with sketchy chicks until the wee hours of the night is probably a bad idea. In fact, that's kind of like mixing up a batch of vinegar and baking soda and then hoping that old home made volcano doesn't take off on you. Come on Ben, I know you got off untouched in the last situation, but dude, learn from your mistakes. If you want to pick up some ladies try a Barnes and Noble or a Starbucks or even the mall. When is the last time you heard someone get accused of sexual assault buying a venti cup of joe and an overpriced muffin? Exactly, doesn't happen. Better decisions equal less accusations Ben.

Thought #2

Did the Chicago Bears just become this year's Washington Redskins? As the free agency season kicked off yesterday, the Bears looked like an old lady at a K-mart going out of business sale, rushing down the aisles, snagging as many cans of discount pinto beans and bottles of oil of olay as possible.

The Bears hit the market hard yesterday, scooping up Julius Peppers, Chester Taylor, and Brandon Manumaleuna. On one hand its hard to blame the Bears for diving in head first being that they don't have a draft pick this year until round three. On the other hand, they pushed a lot of their chips in last year when they made moves to get Jay Cutler and with this recent round of betting they've moved to the point of playing on the casino's credit. This is going to go one of two ways for Chicago. They are either going to make out like bandits, grinding it out and punching the rest of the NFC North in the mouth, or they are going to get blown up on the scoreboard by their opponents, not be able to keep up, and realize Peppers and Taylor have reached their ceiling already, having no where to go but down. Since they are still lacking a decent threat at wideout and Jay Cutler has looked painful at best, my money will be on the latter.

Thought #3

Big day for plenty of college hoops teams and of course much of the talk surrounds who is in the dance and who will get left out. Of course anytime this conversation takes place the idea of expanding the tournament comes up. What an awful thought.

Do you remember the 50 yard dash on field day in elementary school? Remember how there were really only about 3 or 4 kids who could compete to win, but yet they let nearly have the school run and get that plastic participation ribbon? Yeah, that's what some people want the NCAA tournament to become. Everybody's in, everyone's a winner, and everyone get a juice box and pack of goldfish at the end of the day. Bad idea.

It's like the girl who says every guy she dates is special. Listen chick, you tell yourself whatever you need to so that you sleep better at night, but the bottom line is if every dude you're with is "special" non of them are really special. If everyone is a winner, no one is a winner.

More is not always the answer. Let's be honest, if you aren't one of the best 64 teams, why do you deserve to play anywhere in March?

Maryland fan goes Boston Massacre, Steve Williams is mad at Tiger, and the Back Porch podcast!

Fri, 5 Mar, 2010 01:24:28 GMT

Thought #1

You know a party isn't a party until someone breaks out the riot gear.I mean seriously, how can you tell how big of a win your team just had unless you see those shields and billy clubs get drawn?

This is exactly what happened Wednesday night in College Park, MD following the Terrapins defeat of the Duke Blue Devils. Not only did the fans rush the court, which is pretty common these days, but the party then spilled out to the streets. This is apparently where Terrapin fan decide it was a good idea to go Boston Massacre on everyone by lobbing snow balls at the Police. The riot gear was soon broke out, 27 folks got arrested, and now we officially know that was a big win for the program. Thanks Terrapin fan.

Thought #2

Tiger Woods' caddie Steve Williams has come out and voiced his angry towards Tiger about this entire situation. Makes sense, can't caddie for a guy who isn't playing. Steve just lost his job for a few months and what exactly can a caddie do other than caddie? What marketable trade skill is carrying stuff when you need a quick part time gig? Does try to carry groceries for the elderly? Possible get a job as a car hop at Sonic? Or maybe try and convince some construction worker that he can carry his tools around for him and make suggestions as to which size wrench to use? Yeah, Steve should be a little ticked.

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Lebron James to swap digits, Sean Payton goes bad roommate on Jerry's wine, and the future for Gilbert and AI.

Wed, 3 Mar, 2010 02:58:50 GMT

Thought #1

Lebron James has filed the official paperwork that would allow him to change his jersey number from its current 23 to the number 6, which was his number during the Olympics. Lebron has decided to do this to honor Michael Jordan. So let me get this straight, because MJ is a hall of famer and linked to 23 you are going to swap his number out for 6, which is linked to not one, but two arguably as influential players in Dr. J and Bill Russell? Is the Akron Hammer aware there was basketball prior to 1988? It's like asking a 15 year old what the best all time comedy is and having him tell you it's Harold and Kumar go to White Castle or that horrible Dukes of Hazzard movie. You just want to strap that kid to a chair and force him to watch Animal House, Fletch, and Ghostbusters until he sees the light.

Thought #1b

Is it possible this is a prelude to where the top free agent will end up after this summer? The league only requires a player to file this paper work if he remains in Cleveland, so Cavs fans are no doubt pretty geeked. But should they be? Is it possible Lebron is shedding the digits in preparation of a trip to Chi-Town where the number hangs from the rafters? Could it be he wants to honor his hero by not only dropping his number, but picking up his old stomping ground colors? Interesting. Also worth noting is the idea this could also swing Chicago native and fellow free agent Dwayne Wade to the Bulls.

Not saying its the reason, just throwing it out there as an idea. Of course there is also the idea that it never hurts jersey sales to require James' fans to have to purchase a few more shirts. I mean you can't be seen rocking the wrong number for your boy and with the fact that the Cavs have like 5 different color combos now, that could really boost the old jersey sales economy.

Thought #2

One of the worst feelings in the world is waking up to an empty milk carton. You know that feeling. You woke up around 2am, stomach growling, and you told yourself, "just wait buddy, that sweet combo of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Coco Pebbles will be there in the morning. You wake up, still listening to the growl, head to the kitchen, and pour up a giant bowl of that sweet mixture. Just then, out of the corner of your eye, you see the empty carton. Your roommate has downed it, not replenished it, and left it there to taunt you. Awful. Friendships have been ruined over less.

If you know that feeling, welcome to Jerry Jones' world, only Jerry is more of a wine guy than a milk guy. Jones had a fancy bottle of wine specifically set aside for him at the combine this weekend. Kind of like most of us order a pizza, Jerry had called ahead and had that thing put on ice just for him. Enter Super Bowl winning coach Sean Payton. Sean apparently gets down on the same label as Jerry. When Sean was told the only bottle there was specifically set aside for Jones, he just could not help but go bad college roommate on it, put it down, and then leave it there to taunt Jones. Word has it he even added a little note reading, "Who Dat!"

I can't wait for this year's Saints - Cowboys game!

Thought #3

Gilbert Arenas apparently would apparently have no problem playing for the Wizards again and is also not really stressing getting sentenced for his crimes. Ah, the true mark of a crazy man, not realizing you are crazy. Of course Agent Zero has no problem with the idea of playing for them, they didn't threaten him with a gun. They didn't threaten to blow his knee caps off. Gilbert apparently still isn't getting it. He apparently still doesn't understand that he could very easily be making license plates instead of baskets here soon. And maybe even more importantly than that, he doesn't get it that normal people don't threaten to shot people and then actually bring weapons to work as a joke. Maybe a few months of having to give his jello cups and rolls over to giant guy with "spike" tattooed on his chest will sober him up to the idea of abiding by the rules of society.

Thought #4

Allen Iverson may be done as an NBA player. Today the 76ers, who seemed to be Iverson's last option, announced that AI will not be returning to the team this season. Allen, who has been gone from the team to tend to his wife and sick daughter, was reportedly seen recently out at a nightclub. Not exactly where I would expect a man with a severely sick daughter to be spending his nights.

You know, if you call in sick to work, it typically not a good idea to be seen by anyone. You can take the day, watch some Price is Right, even take a trip some where off the beaten path, but as soon as you run into someone from work, it's over. You've got to either pay sick or claim a miraculous healing. Of course the crazy the place is you are seen, the more ridiculous your excuse becomes. You know, "umm I had to go to Busch Gardens because my doctor said roller coasters help my heart rate." Or, "of course, shopping at the mall is the perfect place to rid myself of the swine flu, good walking, and that thick air shooting out of pretzel stand is just perfect for clearing the sinuses."

Wonder how Allen can swing his excuse? Picking up a little whiskey for the daughters cough? Is he going to swear he thought he was stumbling into a Barnes and Noble to pick up a good bedtime story for his kid? I mean all those lights and load music, he probably just figured it was a promotion for the new Twilight book. Yeah, teams will buy that. Oh Allen, you are no longer The Answer, these days you're just a bad suggestion.

Michael Jordan gets hands on with the Bobcats, Tim Tebow's combine, and Hockey fallout

Tue, 2 Mar, 2010 01:21:30 GMT

Thought #1

So the thought was the Michael Jordan would take over the Bobcats, kind of stay behind the scenes, and let the basketball folks run the show. And who exactly believed this? Yeah, outside of your buddy who just bought that gym that hooks onto your door, not to many folks. MJ's first move as owner was to head down to the court, play and lose two games of HORSE with Gerald Henderson. Ouch. Bet he didn't see that one coming. This is kind of like when you go to a basketball game as a kid and that last day you have that game against the counselors. You know the college guys who are helping out with the camp always talk made trash and then take a weird amount of pride in beating a group of 13 year olds. Yeah, that's probably more what his Airness had in mind when he started that contest. Then suddenly he was calling to go best 2 out of 3 after the first lose, which of course was followed by offering up a 7 game series when he tanked the second game. Can't you just see the guys on the team. "Um sorry sir, listen we really have to get to actual practice now, maybe we can play more later."

Now more importantly than MJ's loses for Bobcats' fans is Jordan's level of interaction. Let's face it, Jordan's track record hasn't exactly been stellar when it comes to decision making. *Cough cough, Kwame Brown. Now it was report that Jordan did avoid the temptation of going after Larry Hughes, good sign, but sooner or later you have to think Jordan will want to prove himself. Sooner or later you have to think he's going to reach, and when he does, when you see Rasheed Wallace being signed to a multi-year deal or see him throw a high draft pick towards the Bucks for Jerry Stackhouse, don't say you weren't warned.

Thought #2

Tim Tebow was impressive at the combine this weekend, but not as much for his QB skills as for his athletic ability. Tebow recorded a 4.7 40 yard dash time and tied a record for vertical leap at 38.5 inches. So if Timmy end's up needing to jump straight up during an NFL game, he should be good to go. Listen was there any doubt this guy is a beast physically? No. The doubts are whether or not he can play under center, whether or not he can handle running an NFL offense, and most importantly, whether or not he can throw a football decently after dropping tons of time and coin on learning a new motion. Pretty sure how high you can jump, or how fast you can sprint while wearing spandex doesn't play that big of a role when it comes to playing QB in the league. Case in point, who did he tie for that impressive vertical? Josh McCown. Yeah, he tied the guy sitting at about the 12th best option at quarterback on the free agency list of every fantasy league in the country. Congrats Timmy, you are the best jumper we've seen, now if only that translated in anyway into NFL wins. Needless to say, Tebow still has plenty to prove.

Thought #3

Sunday's USA - Canada hockey contest drew some of the largest ratings ever. It is estimated that over 27 million people watched the match. The question now becomes can that peaked interested in the sport translate to the NHL, which has floundered at best in recent times. The answer; nope. It was a special event, that's why we all watched. It's not that we suddenly love hockey, we suddenly loved the idea of beating Canada's tail and winning a gold. It's like that animated Rudolph movie at Christmas time. Tons of people watch that creepy old school clay action because it's the season for it. Put that flick on in January, no body's check it out. Yesterday was the one day season for hockey in America, and I'm pretty sure today most of us packed up our oversized 3/4 length sleeved shirts and stuck them in the attic wear they will sit for four more years.

Canadian Women's Hockey is awesome, US men look to upset, and Jordan takes over in Charlotte

Sat, 27 Feb, 2010 07:14:54 GMT

Thought #1

Outside of about a three week period following the release of the Mighty Ducks movie, I have really never been able to get interested in the sport of hockey. Now I really tried to get into soccer on ice. I tried to watch games, I bought rollerblades, and even snagged a Wayne Gretzky poster one year at the book fair at school. But just like so many other forgien things, Indian food, tight pants, and Hugh Grant movies to name a few, it just never stuck. That was until this past week, when I had two huge revelations in regards to the sport.

Revelation #1

Hockey girls are the coolest chicks in the world. Following the Canadian Women's gold medal winning match, the ladies returned to the ice to celebrate, and celebrate they did! The broke out the cigars, the champange, and the brews. Awesome! Pretty sure they just moved up to dream girl status for me, but let me double check. Athletic? Check. Likes cigars? Check. Doesn't think beer is gross and therefore doesn't drink those girly sweet drinks? Check. Is happy to sit and watch old Bill Murray and Chevy Chase movies with me all day? Well the jury is still out on that one, but 3 out of 4 ain't to shabby.

Now a lot of people are calling for the team to apologize for their on the ice actions. To those people I ask; Apologize for what? Being young and happy to win? Celebrating a huge national victory? Or do you want them to apologize for simply being awesome? Let's be honest, the female factor here is what has people riled up. We've seen Major League Baseball players basically drown each other in beer following wild card wins, not even championships, and that seems to be acceptable. Ever Nascar race seems to end with an alcohol shower, so why is this a big deal?

Props to those ladies for 1. being awesome and 2. being smart enough to drink the beer rather than bathe in it like their male counter parts.

Revelation #2

I may have very little interest in hockey as a sport, but I have a very large interest in beating people at things they think they are awesome at. Think about it. How many times have you went bowling with a group of friends and serious bowler guy shows up? You know dude who has his own custom fit ball, wears that wrist thingy, and can actually name a professional bowler. How great is it to beat that guy? How great is it to watch him miss picking up a spare and then to see the girl behind him roll it granny style for a strike? Probably one of the best feelings ever.

That's exactly what the US beating Canada in hockey feels like. Let's face it, there are only a few things Canada can brag about. Labatt Blue, moose, and hockey. It is their game, they are supposed to own us all at it, and to top that, we're playing in their country. There really is no better feeling than beating someone at their sport, playing by their rules, using their ball, and playing in their backyard. Of course unless you do it twice.

Thought #3

Michael Jordan was a great basketball player, but when it comes to decision making, so far he has been a little lacking. Just mentioning the names Kwame Brown or Adam Morrison make many NBA fans cringe. Not to mention that how decision he made to play baseball for a year, so bizarre, almost seems like a weird awful dream doesn't it?

Now Jordan that has bought a controlling share of the Charlotte Bobcats and can now call himself an NBA owner, he has the opportunity to change that. The Bobcats are currently fighting for that last playoff spot in the East and could bring the playoffs back to Charlotte for the first time since Jason Kidd wrecks his grill on David Wesly's head. Now Jordan was smart enough to not take over till after the trade deadline, thus avoiding any temptation to trade players for any struggling former Tar Heel greats. That should get him off to a good start and with Larry Brown captaining that ship, which is loaded with plenty of young talent, this could be Jordan's chance to add to his already mythical status in Carolina.

One question though; Since Bob Johnson is no longer the owner, can you ditch the Bobcat nickname and come up with something better? I mean seriously, what is it with cats and teams in Charlotte? Is there a problem with strays? There has to be something cooler than Bobcats. Bobcats are like the hobo of the cat world anyway, they aren't big, or pretty. They are all scrawny, look hung over, and like they are on the verge of either throwing up or snapping on you at a moments notice. MJ, do Charlotte a favor and get on changing that.

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Admiral. Ackbar as Ole Miss' new mascot, Ozzie gets a twitter, and the Back Porch podcast!

Fri, 26 Feb, 2010 11:46:25 GMT

Thought #1

Political correctness and sports seem to rarely have a quality outcome and that surly is the case with situation with filling the gap left by the burying of the old Ole Miss mascot. The old mascot, who was basically an old Confederate plantation general, was ran out of town recently with thoughts of easing racial tensions. While that makes sense, it only makes sense if you have something better to replace it with, which could be a problem.

Rumor has it there is a movement amidst the student body to bring in ole Fishy McTurneck him, that's right, the leader of the Rebel Alliance, Admiral Ackbar. Now if you're a Star Wars fan, you know who I am talking about. If you have just casually watched the movies then let me explain. I'm talking about the guy who looks like a giant fish wearing a turtle neck and who has about 10 minutes worth of screen time in the entire series. Yeah, that guy. I mean this isn't even a character that you would make the dork down the street play when you were pretending as a kid. You'd at least throw that kid a bone and let him be C3PO or R2D2. Are you telling you want to be this guy Ole Miss? Do you really want fish eyes painted on the sides of your helmets? Come on, at least go wookie or ewok if you're going to go minor Star Wars character. What about Bobo Fett? He was pretty hardcore, had a sweet mask too. But you go with the fish in a turtleneck? Bad idea.

By the way, I stand corrected. Apparently Fishy McTurtleneck was promoted to Admiral. My bad Ackbar. Thanks for the heads up Nick.

Thought #2
Ozzie Guillen is getting a Twitter account. Sweet! This is great news for us and horrible news for the White Sox. This is kind of like giving your buddy who has had a few too many beverages a cell phone loaded with all his ex girlfriends phone numbers. You know it's a horrible idea and yet also a great idea. It's going to turn out bad, but no doubt hilarious and will no doubt result in plenty of next day apologies.

Thought #3

Why read when you can listen?

The Back Porch podcast for Feb. 25!

Royals' fan assaulted by wiener, Westbrook looking for a job, and more Tiger Woods fallout.

Wed, 24 Feb, 2010 03:27:09 GMT

Thought #1

For years hotdogs and baseball have gone together like cheap beer and college students. We all know that hotdogs are probably one of the worse foods a human can eat. Rumor has it they are made from lips and .. well other pig body parts. We know they aren't exactly good for you, but until today we did not know how truly dangerous they were.

Today it was reported that Kansas City Royals' fan John Coomer is suing the Royals for $25,000 following an incident involving a projectile wiener. Coomer was apparently caught off guard by the flying pork on Sept. 8 and blames it for his detached retina and developing cataracts. Word has it the team mascot Sluggerrr was behind the incident, although the team denies this being the reason for his replacement by a new large lion mascot.

It's bad enough that Coomer lives the life of a Royals fan, I mean it takes quite a bit of dedication to attend a game in KC in hopes of catching one of their handful of wins on the season, and this is how you repay him Royals? You launch hotdogs at his eyes? Come on, we know those ball park dogs are pretty much a rubbery death stick when eaten, but you put some speed on one and you've got yourself a serious weapon. Should Major League Baseball add this to their list of banned weapons in the clubhouse? Absolutely. Go ahead and ban ridiculous mascots too while you're at it.

Thought #2

Brian Westbrook is the lastest running back who will looking for employment this coming season. Following the release of LaDainian Tomlinson by the Chargers yesterday, today the Eagles followed suit dumping their veteran runner. With both backs breaking that magical number of 30 years old this past summer and being consistently plagued with injuries, its hard to argue with the teams decisions here. We've seen this before with Emmit Smith, Edgerrin James, and Shaun Alexander. The days of keeping the car until it becomes an antquie are over. These days as soon as that puppy's breaks start squeeling, owners are running to the dealer to check out a new LeSean McCoy or Darren Sproles model. Pretty soon LT and Westbrook will find themselves either on the used lot, waiting to be picked up by some young team looking for something decent to put their 16 year old QB behind the wheel of. It's the new way of the league and with other aging back like Clinton Portis and Thomas Jones out there, that used lot could be pretty full this spring.

Thought #3

The Tiger Woods fallout continues as now Proctor and Gamble isn't sure whether or not they want Tiger pimping their razors and deodorant anymore. They aren't quite sure if Tiger fits the mold of their "Gillette Champions" these days. Could be a big lose for them. I mean wasn't the first thing you always thought after Tiger won a big match, "dag his face looks smooth?" Granted you would think Tiger would be the perfect spokesman for deodorant these days. If that stuff can keep his pits dry while he's standing at a podium with dozens of reports waiting to feast on his every word, it's bound to be able to carry me through a date.

Seriously, maybe the biggest question is; why use athletes for this stuff anyway? I mean who over the age of 10 buys a razor or gel stick based on it's celebrity endorsement? Personally I buy them based on which is the least likely to leave me covered in those little toilet paper squares when I'm done or which stick will hold back the ever fashionable undershirt pit stain best. Rush Limbaugh could back it for all I care so long as I'm not bleeding and stinky by 9 am.

Allen Iverson's time may be up already in Philly, how the Celtics got Nate Robinson, and why is fishing on TV?

Tue, 23 Feb, 2010 12:53:34 GMT

Thought #1

You don't have to be Dr. Phil to know that people develop patterns when it comes to relationships, and their rarely change despite what hope others have for them. Think about it, dude cheated on his last girlfriend, he's most likely going to cheat on his next one. A girl flips out on her last couple guys, having mental breakdowns that end with clothes thrown out all over the front yard. Yeah she ain't changing and if you date her, good chance your neighbors will be seeing your underwear dangling from a tree sooner or later.

The Philedelphia 76ers probably feel a lot like that cheated on girl or humbled guy at this point after talking themselves into thinking that this go around with Allen Iverson would be different. Today it was reported that AI will be out indefinitely to tend to his ill 4 year old daughter. While it's unclear exactly what his daughter has, what is clear is that the Sixers aren't exactly thrilled about this and are debating ever letting him return. Have you ever noticed that the crazier a person is, the more often bizarre illnesses and strange accidents happen to them? When is the last time Tim Duncan took a leave from his team for a mystery illness? What about D-Wade, ever hear of him just not showing up for long periods of time? Listen Philly, we tried to warn you, we all tried to tell you that a guy that couldn't make it work in Memphis, Denver, or Detroit, probably wasn't going to have a sudden change of heart just because he was returning to the city of brotherly love. Yeah, we know you will always have a soft spot in your heart for the guy, but giving him that second chance just earned you to role of the victim in yet another messy break up.

Thought #2

I got an email from a friend today that simply said "Nate Robinson?!?!?" Now knowing I'm a Celtics fan and knowing I was strongly pulling for them to bring in some youth to energize the team, I felt I owed him an explanation. So I responded with this:

What we witnessed with the Celtics bring in Nate Robinson was kind of like when we all sit at work on Friday afternoons and try to look like were busy. This was obviously Danny Ainge's attempt to make us think he'd been hard at work all season trying to make a deal when really he was just in his office playing Dig Dug. He suddenly realized the trade deadline was up and was like, "umm, crap, what to do .....Nate Robinson, done. Now back to my game." That's the best I can figure. I just hope he understands that simply getting shorter isn't the same as getting younger.

Thought #3

I'm pretty sure the only time watching bowling, fishing, poker, or figure skating on tv is when things go drastically wrong. I mean think about it, the best part of any of those events is when someone either falls down or gets really up set and flips out on someone else. Listen I totally respect the abilities of the people who excel at such events, but just because people are good at stuff doesn't make it worthy of a TV spot. I mean seriously unless dude is falling out of a boat, or flipping out on a bowling fan in the stands for snapping a pic during his approach, most of us aren't interested. You know my grandad is pretty flipping awesome at moving the yard, dude can edge up that sidewalk like it's nobody's business, but I wouldn't watch that on TV. With the exception being him getting really mad at the stray cat in his yard, flipping out, and chasing it with the lawn mower. I would probably watch that, that cat sucks.

Baseball's new rule banning brass knuckles, Figure Skating outfits, and thoughts on Tiger's talk.

Sat, 20 Feb, 2010 05:31:30 GMT

Thought #1

Major League Baseball has officially banned deadly weapons in the clubhouse. No longer can players bring their "guns, long knives, metal knuckles, daggers, and explosives" on team functions. Explosives? Daggers? Really? What the heck is going on in the clubhouses these days? I mean I get it that some of those day games get pretty long and that mid-July stretch needs a little spicing up sometimes, but enough to break out the daggers? The thing is you know that everyone of those items was listed purposfully, which means someone has brought that stuff into clubhouses before. I just want to know what genius showed up with some explosives, got busted, and then went George Constanza on them. You know, "what? is that against the rules? I mean no one ever said not to bring swords and dynamite into the clubhouse so I assumed it would be ok." Who was that guy? Was it Manny? Did Manny break up some brass knuckles over the summer? Well regardless of who it was, this summer if players want to protect themselves on team functions they will be restricted to nunchucks, throwing stars, and crossbows.

Thought #2

Remember that kid in school that got picked on a lot and you kind of felt sorry for him, but then on the other hand, you also kind of felt like he brought it on himself? You just wanted to pull him aside and say, "dude no more Velcro shoes and stone washed jeans. Stop playing Dungeons and Dragons at lunch and while you're at it stop eating sardines out of the can." You knew the kid was only making it worse for himself.

Figure skating is the sports worlds' version of that kid. For years you've no doubt heard people make fun of the events for various reasons, and now their critics just have one more angle to hit them out with their choice of costumes at the Olympics. Do you have to dress like David Bowie in Labyrinth to be good at figure skating? Is that one of the requirements or rules for the competition? I'm not a huge fan of the sport anyway, looks a whole lot like this things I used to do as a kid called spinning around and jumping, so adding in some ridiculously tight and equally hideous costumes isn't going to help. Seriously I think part of Evan Lysacek's get up the other night was made of Christmas tree garland. It seems like as much crap as figure skating gets in general from people, the last thing they would want to do is make that target about 5 times larger by dressing up like a skeleton.

Thought #3

I found Tiger's apology to be about as sincere as a scripted apology could be. Loved the fact that he paused and looked down between "Good morning," and "thank you for being here." Really I'm not sure what Tiger expected to gain from this reading, but so far it seems to have been a good step towards rebuilding his relationship with his fans and sponsors. He used adult words too like affair and cheated making, when he could have just beat around the bush with some general statements, another good step. The thing is, that's exactly how he has to look at it, a couple of first steps, and one or two steps don't get you all the way to the top of the staircase. So there is still plenty of work left to be done on Tiger's part.

On a side note, I did find the comments he made about his wife to be very interesting. Not in that he defended her as not being abusive towards him, but in the fact that she wasn't abusive. Lord knows plenty of women would have lit him up if they had found out he had been cheating on them. If she didn't, she really is a saint.

Tiger Woods announces that he will make an announcement, Amare unpacks, the Knicks make room for the King, and the Back Porch podcast!

Fri, 19 Feb, 2010 11:31:52 GMT

Thought #1 -

Tiger Woods has officially announced that he will make an announcement tomorrow. Whew! Thank goodness! Now we no longer have to fear that sneak announcement from Tiger. We can all sleep easy knowing that there is no chance we will be hit by some off the cuff, geuine, and non-scripted statement and/or apology. Now I'm not one who thinks Tiger owes me an apology, he didn't cheat on me, didn't wreck my car, or even bust up my fire hydrate. However I do think if Tiger is going to make a statement, if he is going to come out, keep with your endorser and just do it buddy. Don't come out and read some cookie cutter prewrote statement that your lawyers have obviously helped you put together. By making a specitcal of your coming out speech, all you're really doing is building yet another platform from which you can fall.

Thought #2

So I guess Amare should go ahead and take all his glasses back out of the bubble wrap and stick them back in the cabinet because it doesn't seem he will be moving afterall. Weeks and weeks of Amare trade talks result in absolutely nothing today as the NBA trade deadline hit. It seems as hard as the Suns tried to deal the guy, they just couldn't get want they wanted and decided to keep him for a few more miles. Granted this probably doesn't make Amare feel all that loved in Phoenix, but owner Robert Sarver and Steve Kerr are taking him out to dinner tonight, so I'm sure that will ease the tension. As hard as they tried to get rid of him, pretty sure they better go appitizers and desserts tonight.

Thought #3

The Knicks have put themselves in pretty good shape for the Summer-o-Lebron coming up. They picked up Tracy McGrady today and set themselves up to be $30 million under the cap this summer giving them plenty of ammo to mke a run at the King, D-Wade, or even Chris Bosh. Granted I still think the only way they lure Lebron to the Big Apple invovled tanking the season, winning the draft lottery, and bringing in Kentucky's John Wall. I think the dance alone might being in Lebron.

The Back Porch podcast!

The NBA trade Soc-Hop, Sebastian makes 16 million, and another odd baseball injury.

Wed, 17 Feb, 2010 05:07:38 GMT

Thought #1

With the NBA deadline a mere hours away the climate begins to feel more and more like a high school Soc-Hop. You know most of the people there standing around the dance floor, bobbing their heads, and wondering who will be brave enough to step out on the floor.

Of course you have your folks with no fear, your Mavericks and Blazers who jump out ahead of everyone and confidently show off their moves. (Dallas pulling in Caron Butler and the Blazers getting a quality band-aid for their big man situation in Camby.) They also usually pull in some unsuspecting person with them to use as their dance partner too. (ie the Clippers and Wizards)

Then you have your stag line folks, bobbing around, eyes wide open, and just hoping someone will take an interest in what they got going on. They really really really want to dance, but don't quite have the moves to attract a really hot partner. Be sure that the longer the night goes, the better those lesser options hanging out by the chips and dip start to look. Basically Boston, Chicago, San Antonio, and Philadelphia are in the stag line. Boston is trying to make Ray Allen appear as much like the 2001 version of himself as possible, while Chicago tries pimp the dancing skills of Hinrich and Thomas, San Antonio and Philly are attempting to find a decent partner by shopping around the likes of Jefferson, and Iguodala. Of course that would make teams like New York, New Jersey, and Houston those less attractive options by the chip dip.

Then you've got those super cool kids, who you know if they start dancing, will start a chain reaction that will cause everyone else there to get out on the floor. This year it's the Heat and Cavaliers both making a play for the hottest date at the Soc Hop, Amare Stoudemire. Everyone else in the place is waiting to see which one is going to score the breakout dance and who is going to have to move on to their fall back plan. (Most likely the Wizards Antwan Jamison or the Pacers' Troy Murphy.) Everyone is sitting back and waiting to see the drama play out as if this were a Jersey Shore episode. One thing's for sure though, no matter who ends up with the best looking girl at the dance this year it's going to start that chain reaction, DJ Kool's "Let me clear my throat," will start playing, and everything will get a little nutty.

Thought#2

My grandmother tried and tried to convince me to become a kicker. She knew I was interested in football and figured every team needs a kicker and the kicker rarely gets crushed. She was a smart lady.

Today the Oakland Raiders proved my grandma completely right by extending Sebastian Janikowski's contact for four more years, allowing to him earn a total of $16 million. 16 million dollars! For a kicker! Granted the dude has a boot, splitting the uprights from 61 yards out last season, but really Oakland, that's where you choose to drop your coin? Are you sure that's the impact player you want to tie your ship to? I mean he has been there for the past 7 years, in which you have lost eleven game each season. So I guess you are looking for consistency? Might want to rethink this one for a second. Might be a good idea to spend a little of that change on players who can help you move the ball. Sure Sebastian is good from 61, but just remember you still have to get to midfield for that.

Thought #3

There are plenty of rules and caution labels out there that don't make any sense. Rules like, "don't stop your car on the interstate," or caution labels at the gas station that remind you not to smoke while you are filling up. Do you ever wonder who the genius was who broke that rule and necessitated the need for such an obvious warning?

The Baltimore Orioles have had to institute such a rule recently after right-hander Brad Bergesen injured himself while filming a commercial. Brad, who is apparently a sucker for realism, decided to go all out during the shoot resulting in hurting his shoulder. He will reported be limited for 7 to 10 days after the O's start pitchers and catchers training on Thursday. So I'm guess commercials are officially on the do not do before training camp list, right up there with para sailing, hang gliding, (hey look I'm hang gliding...,) and base jumping.

The Winter Olympics are here, Amare is on the market, and Coach K isn't interested in working with the Russians

Mon, 15 Feb, 2010 05:55:20 GMT

Thought #1

The Winter Olympics have snuck up on us and officially begun. This of course means you will spend the next couple weeks sitting through Sports Center highlights of bizarre sports along with being slightly overwhelmed by the abundance of people you will see in tights.

The Olympics is the sports world's version of sushi. People always try to talk me into trying sushi and it always ends the same way, it sucks. Sushi is over priced and tastes like the fishing prier smells. (By the way, shouldn't something you don't cook be cheaper than something you do?) Sushi fan and Olympic fan have a lot in common though, they are always trying to convince non fans to get it another shot. Think about it. How many times has Olympic fan tried to convince you that curling is legit or that you should feel ashamed of yourself for hoping the figure skaters bite it at some point during their event? Just like sushi, we'll all give it a shot but in the end we'll end up ditching the raw fish for a chicken sandwich and flipping the channel over to a Fresh Prince rerun.

Thought #2

The NBA trade season has heated up and it appears that Amare Stoudemire is the hot chick everyone wants to take to the prom. It's been no secret that Cleveland is in hot pursuit of Amare, offering Zydrunas Ilgaugas and J.J. Hickson, which essentially means a young star and a bag of cash to the Suns since they will most likely waive big Z. So can the second go around for the Amare/Shaq relationship work out better than the first time? It didn't exactly produce a banner in Phoenix, but maybe with Lebron playing mediator it would work. Amare just better make sure he doesn't calling himself "The Big Aristotle," apparently Shaq is a little touchy when it comes to nicknames these days.

Other potential dates include Philly, who would give up Andre Igoudala for Amare and Miami, who really wants him but doesn't seem to have any bargaining chips.

While who ends up courting Amare to the big dance is unclear what is clear it that Phoenix is interested in finding a little cheaper date.

Thought #3

Looks like coach K isn't all that interested in going to New Jersey after all. Rumors swirled around the possibility that Krzyzewski might be interested in leaving Duke for the Nets earlier this week. You know this is kind of like a person trading in a really nice house in a decent town for a chance to live in a shack at the beach. Sure you can walk to the ocean but eventually you're going to get tried of not having a toilet that works and having to cover your windows in plastic to keep the winter drafts out. Plus, coach K acknowledged that a Russian billionaire isn't very likely to hire a Polish guy. Coach isn't dumb, he's seen Rocky IV. He doesn't want those guys following him and his team around in a black sedan as they work out.

Thought #4

The Daytona 500 was red flagged twice for a hole in the pavement. Are you telling me in a crowd of NASCAR fans that big there isn't a dude there who can patch some asphalt? Come on NASCAR, offer up a six pack and bucket of KFC to who ever can patch it and I guarantee it will be fixed in a half hour.

And by the way, did I hear this right, they haven't paved that track since 1978?!?! What the heck NASCAR. That's like the NFL neglecting to seed and fertilize the field in Miami before the Super Bowl. I mean seriously, 1978? They pave the road in my neighborhood at least once every two or three years. NASCAR can say that it was no one's fault but you have to think a fresh layer of pavement wouldn't have hurt. Pretty embarrassing Mr. France.

Congrats to Jamie McMurray. It's nice to see a good guy who got dumped on so much last year come out on top.

Shaq and Dwight fight over who gets to play Superman, NBA celebs' game, and Boston trade rumors squashed

Sat, 13 Feb, 2010 11:00:30 GMT

Thought #1 -

Do you remember back when the first of the newer Batman movies came out? The real good one with Michael Kenton as Batman? Remember how Adam West was super bent that he wasn't considered for the role of the Dark Knight even though Lord knows the last thing anyone wanted to see was a Batman with a utility belt/back support, complete with an Ensure milkshake and K&W coupons. Yeah, it was pretty ridiculous.

Pretty sure Shaquille O'Neal and Adam West would get along pretty good these days. Reportedly Shaq is pretty ticked off that Dwight Howard is running around using the nickname "Superman." Now granted Shaq did proclaim himself the Man of Steel years ago, even got the ink done to prove it, so Dwight's move isn't the most create of moves. Really though, has any of us referred to Shaq as superman in the past 5 years? Besides, Superman is only one of about dozen nicknames Shaq has dropped on himself during his career so maybe Dwight thought he had moved on to the Shaqtus and Superman was now free? Listen let's be real honest about what's going on here. Dwight is the dominate big man in the league right now and Shaq can't come to terms with it. This nickname thing is just the vehicle he is using to vent over the fact that he isn't on top anymore. Of course the great thing about Dwight is that he isn't backing down from the old guy. He's not caving in on this one and in fact with his new ESPN commercial he's milking it for all it's worth. Looks like these two are just going to have to fight it out on the playground the same way third graders fight out who is going to be the Red Power Ranger.

Thought #2-

If you are lacking a bit of self esteem here lately and need a little boost, I suggest checking out a replay of the NBA's celebrity game from Friday night. Pretty sure we need to use the word "game" very loosely here. If you've ever stumbled into a high school gym on a snowy day and caught the indoor track team trying to get a little extra cardio by playing a pick up game, you've seen a more skilled contest than the display that was on last night.

Actor Michael Rapaport was named the MVP with a stunning 4 points as the East beat the West 41-37. Who you ask? Exactly. That guy from that one show that I think came on Fox? Typically when you refer to someone as a celebrity you're acknowledging that most people have a clue who said person is. You typically don't hear sentences like, "he's that guy from that show" or "you know, he sings that one song in that one movie" when it comes to celebs. Unfortunately Friday night's game was loaded with a whole lot of "that guy from that one thing." Whatever happen to the good old days of MTV's Rock and Jock? I mean sure they had all kinds of crazy hot spots you could extra points from, but at least I knew the majority of the players in the game. Sure you might occasionaly have to deal with a Frankie Muniz sighting, but you also got the occasional Fresh Prince sighting to make up for it. Pretty sure the biggest star in that combination of third tier rappers and Globetrotters was Chris Tucker, or at least what used to be Chris Tucker before he spent the entire month of October in a Golden Corral. Seriously dude, you're looking rough. Come on NBA mix in a Adam Sandler or a Bill Murray. We all saw Space Jam, Bill can ball.

The sad thing is the only thing worse than the game itself, was the fact that I couldn't stop watching it and no doubt will again.

Thought #3 -

If you've ever thought you knew exactly what you were getting for Christmas, got all geeked up, ripped through the wrapping paper just to find a sweater, you know exactly how Celtics fans felt yesterday. Yahoo Sports reported Friday that the Celtics were working a deal to bring Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison to Boston for Ray Allen and some spare parts. Unfortunately for Celtics fans Danny Ainge came out later that night and said there was zero truth to such rumors.

It's clear the Celtics need to get younger and it's clear that Allen is the bargaining chip they want to use to accomplish this. A deal with the Wizards would have pushed them back to the elite of the Eastern Conference, a spot from which they have fallen from this season.

The thin line between sex addicts and perverts, Rick Pitino's potential new gig, and the Back Porch podcast!

Fri, 12 Feb, 2010 12:26:47 GMT

Thought #1 -

What's the difference between a sex addict and the causal pervert on the street? It very well may just come down to having the money and time to enter a rehab clinic, toss on a robe, and slap on a label.

Over the past month our eyes have been opened to a world that most of us had rarely heard of before, the world of sex addiction clinics. First Tiger Woods reportedly entered one after cheating on his wife and this week we learned that former ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips did the same. This just begs the question; really? Do you really want to slap the label of addiction on this? Now I buy that you have a problem and I get that you got away with one affair so it makes affair number 2, 3, and 25 a little more tempting, but an addiction? Are you tell me that if you aren't out having sex with some tramp you're balling up in a corner shaking from with drawl? Not quite sure I'm buying that Steve.

Now don't get me wrong I wish Steve the best and hope he gets his life straight, I just find it hard to slap the label of addiction on this. It's a little hard for this to seem like anything more than an excuse for a string of very poor decisions. Sure you have a problem, a big problem, but an addiction? Really?

Thought #2

Rick Pitino has denied rumors of being interesting in the head coaching position of the New Jersey Nets. Rick, currently the coach of the Louisville Cardinals, claims to want to stay at the University. Really though it makes far more sense him to split town. Think about it, the Cardinals are under achieving this season and Rick is facing an off season of not only fighting for recruits against John Calipari, but also of explain his own affair to his recruits' parents. Not exactly a dream position to be in. He could go to New Jersey and attempt to make up for that horrid span he spent with the Celtics. He could sit at the press conference and tell New Jersey fans that Derrick Coleman isn't coming through that door and neither is.......umm 2002 Jason Kidd maybe? Frankly going to the team with the lowest expectations would probably be a great thing for Rick. He if breaks double digit wins it would be a huge improvement.

And....

The Back Porch podcast!

Indianapolis' icy homecoming, possible Glen Davis for DJ Augustine trade, and New Orleans parade concerns

Wed, 10 Feb, 2010 01:28:33 GMT

Thought #1-

Do you remember that old Applebee's commercial where the high school football team was driving home after a tough lose, it was raining, and all they wanted to do was throw down a few ribs at the neighborhood bar and grill? Remember the place was closed, but the workers all stayed to hook up the fellas just to show how much they supported them. Yeah, guessing that Applebees wasn't in Indianapolis.

The Colts return to Indy on Monday to a heart warming crowd feature 11 faithful fans. Yeah, not even tens of fans showed up to welcome the AFC champions back to town. How is this even possible? There had to have been at least 50 plus guys on that plane with families, plus I would hope a few friends, did they not brave the weather to come out? How did these guys even get home? Did Peyton and Reggie Wayne have to split a cab?

Listen Indy I know you were no doubt more than a little sore from dropping the big game, but don't tell me you're that fair weatherNew Orleans had scheduled a parade for their boys win or lose and you can't even spend 10 minutes to welcome your team back? No wonder you never saw a single shot of downtown Indianapolis over the past two weeks. Very sad.

Thought #2 -

The Boston Celtics are rumored to be working a trade with the Charlotte Bobcats which includes trading Glen Davis, who has asked to longer be called Big Baby, for D.J. Augustine. Now the former Longhorn Augustine has a decently high ceiling and it's no secret the Celtics aren't real high on Davis right now, but would this trade really make that big of a difference? This trade seems a lot like that last couples hours you spend at work on Friday. You know you do a lot of moving around, but really you're not accomplishing anything other than giving off the appearance that you're doing something. The Celtics do need to make a trade and their fans know this, but they need a little bit larger of a shot of youth than D.J. to make a big difference this season.

Thought #3 -

The New Orleans' Police Department was reportedly a little worried about how things would shake out for their parade Tuesday night. Let's just say they were concerned about the combination of National media coverage and the typical amount of Marti Gras beads that fly around. They are even considering giving tickets to any ladies who earn their necklaces. What other city in America would they have to consider that in? Where else would it take a meeting to decide whether or not to enforce that kind of law? New Orleans is truly one in a million.

By the way with that announcement the viewership of males 12-30 just tripled, so I guess it was good for business.

Sean Payton pushes all his chips in, Sir Charles loves him some Taco Bell, and Baylen Brees stole our hearts

Tue, 9 Feb, 2010 02:16:53 GMT

Thought #1 - Game Thoughts

The Super Bowl has come and gone and while the game wasn't quite the shoot out some had predicted Sean Payton made sure it didn't lack on drama. Sean pushed a ton of chips into the pot towards the end of the second quarter by going for it on fourth and goal and the Colts called his bluff. Lucky for him though, the Colts weren't nearly as gutsy in their play calling, running on three straight downs and giving the ball back to the Saints with time to savage the three points they turned down earlier.

Payton wasn't done shooting the dice there though, he turned around and did what any good Kenny Rogers does and pushed his chips into the pot yet again at the start of the second half. This time the hand came up aces for Sean, the Saints recovering the onsides kick and stealing the momentum that would carry them through the rest of the game.

It was gutsy and was exactly what the city of New Orleans needed. Letting it all hang out, letting it all ride, and playing the game with nothing to lose. Drew Brees got the MVP, which was well deserved, but if Sean Payton could have been in the running for it, youd have to think he would have stolen more than his share of votes.

Thought #2 - Commercial Thoughts

Maybe it's just me, but I'm totally not buying Joe Montana is rocking Skechers shape ups. I mean really can you picture Joe Cool taking a stroll around the park in those moon boots, trying to increase his calve strength? Really Joe? Next you're going to tell me you're strapping on one of those electric ab shockers or that you've bought into that Hollywood cookie diet. Just not buying it.

On the other hand I do totally buy that Charles Barkley is slamming those 5 dollar Taco Bell boxes. Horrible commercial, but totally believable. Well except for the idea that Sir Charles is only buying one of those at a time. No way that's happening unless it's only going to serve as a quick appetizer on his way to the Golden Corral.

Did enjoy the Griswolds showing up Sunday, not that it was a great commercial, but it brought of a ton of sweet Vacation memories and allowed me to use several sweet Chevy Chase one liners at work today. Hope they shoot for a Fletch spot next year.

And by the way, Betty White is still my favorite Golden Girl.

Thought #3 - Drew Brees Thoughts

Drew Brees! Great game for Drew. Great game for a guy who until Sunday night carried the rap of a great fantasy league quarterback but was always on the edge of being considered a great real world quarterback. That is no longer the case. He is now earned the rap of being one of the greats for this generation and deserves to be compared to the Bradys and Mannings of the league.

As much as I like Drew though, he is not my favorite Brees. Baylen totally won me and probably most of America over Sunday night. Listen if you are a lady in a relationship with a guy who is still a little on the fence about the whole having kids thing, now is definitely the time to pitch that hard. Seeing that little dude out there sporting his pop's jersey and watching the confetti fall, was special and darn cute. Pretty sure it made us all a little jealous.

Thought #4 - Halftime Thoughts

Anyone else have The Who stuck in their head all day today? Not that they are a bad band, they are just old and unable to put on a great show. The big question is; do we really even need a halftime show? Wouldn't you much rather watch a highlight reel, or maybe some type of crazy Red Bull stunt show instead of a washed up band? Granted the light show was pretty sweet, but really was the show itself anything more than background music for you as you made multiple trips to the nacho tray?

Super Bowl thoughts from the Back Porch

Sun, 7 Feb, 2010 09:08:12 GMT

Super Bowl Thoughts

Super Bowl weekend is upon us and everyone is making predictions. Here is a list of things you can expect to happen no matter where you are on Super Bowl Sunday.

1. No matter what party you are at there will be one guy who wants to remind you of the Mannings' connections to New Orleans. This guy will attempt to tell you about Archie playing ball there and Peyton growing up going to games there as if it is breaking news. It's annoying, but just humor him for a bit and try to slide away to the nacho tray as soon as possible.

2. Despite all the chatter this week Dwight Freeney will play. If you saw the Sports Illustrated article on Dwight you'll know that the dude using machines that would make the Russian in Rocky IV jealous. From his diet to his use of lasers to work the soreness out of his joints the guy knows his body and will be able to get it together for 3 hours on Sunday. He'll be there, tape up, shot up, and ready to go, so expect him to make an impact.

3. By halftime you will be completely overwhelmed by the amount of times you see the Manning family clapping in the luxury box. You will also be completely overwhelmed by having to explain to the non football fan at your party that he is not the old white guy from Different Strokes.

4. Expect that Peyton Manning will figure out whatever the Saints throw at him. No quarterback in history has ever been more of a thinker than Peyton. No one studies the game better than him and by the 3rd quarter he will have figured it out, found the weakness and will blow up the Saints like Luke did the Death Star at the end of Star Wars.

5. You will be slightly freaked out by the Troy Polamalu commercial. Just be warned, he's pulled out of a hole and it's pretty creepy. The commercial gods will make it up to you though with the Miller High Life guy, who is awesome!

6. You will see a large amount of kids jumping and screaming to The Who at halftime, who have no idea who they are and can't name a single song they have ever preformed. The halftime show will continue to be the most overrated aspect of the big game until they quit resurrected bands from the dead to preform. Thanks Janet Jackson.

7. Drew Brees will have a good game. He has all kinds of weapons which will allow him to dispute the ball all over the field. It is very likely that on paper he will be the best quarterback on the field Sunday.

8. There will be one snack at your party that will be 10 times better than all the others. If you don't get to it early be sure that it will be gone and you will be left listening to everyone else talk about how great it was. Also be sure that you will see the skinniest girl there have a plate full of it, not finish it, and end up pitching it in the trash. Get there early, eyeball the snack table, and plan your attack strategy.

9. Pierre Thomas and Joseph Addai will have much larger impacts on the gave than people are giving them credit for. The Saints will try to get the run game going with Thomas to keep Peyton off the field. The Saints will also get some pressure on Peyton and he will look to dump the ball off on short routes to Addai.

10. If the Saints win prepare yourself for more footage of New Orleans than you have ever seen in your life. In fact they may dedicate an entire cable channel to non stop coverage of the party.

If the Colts win expect to see a 20 second clip of a random sports bar in Indianapolis and then more coverage of New Orleans than you ever have before. Be honest, you would much rather watch a funeral in New Orleans than a party in Indy.

Official prediction.

Colts 28 Saints 17

Enjoy the game!

The OchoCinco and TO experiment, Lane Kiffin starting young, and LT done as a Charger?

Sun, 7 Feb, 2010 05:36:26 GMT

Thought #1-

If you didn't catch it, earlier this week Chad OchoCinco has begun to lobby for Terrell Owens to join him in Cincinnati next season. The question is would this work and would there be enough cameras to cover all the sideline antics, touchdown celebrations, and post game quotes that this could generate. Imagine these two guys trying to one up each other all season, it would be amazing. If this goes down they might as well both just cut blank checks to Roger Goodell before the season starts.

But would two of the most self centered players in the league be able to co-exist? Yeah this could be the NFL's new dynamic duo, but who is going to suck it up and be Robin? You know when you were little no one wanted to play Robin. No body wanted to be Tubbs when you pretended to be the Miami Vice guys or Luke when you went Dukes of Hazzard. It's hard to imagine either one of these guys is going to take that sidekick role. It's far more likely they both show up at the team Halloween party dressed as the cape crusader and get into an argument over whose utility belt is more life like.

The winner here would no doubt be the fans, the loser of course would be Carson Palmer. Keeping those two dudes happy on the field could be the most impossible task ever. Playing the role of parent to two spoiled kids fighting over their toys for a season might just send him into an early retirement. Have to also wonder if this means TO will be trying to stay at Carson's place along with Chad this summer.

If this goes down HBO would be foolish not to do Hard Knocks in Cincy this year.

Thought #2-

The United State's customs officials seized over 17 thousand Fox Sports NFL robot toys on January 12 because they were found to contain dangerous amounts of lead. Thank you US customs. Not only did you save kids from getting sick, you saved 17 thousand kids from being and extremely disappointed with their parents. Seriously what kid wants a Fox Sports robot toy? Those things were destined for those claw games sitting outside of the grocery store.

Thought #3-

David Sills is 13 years old and is setting himself up to have a pretty sweet life. Of course the middle schooler was at the middle of a media frenzy this week after receiving a scholarship offer from Lane Kiffin at USC. This does beg the question; is Lane going to start sending his Trojan Pride girls to middle school games now? Are they going to be starting out there after games ready to hand potential players a Sunkist and one of those giant pixie sticks after the game? Not sure where the NCAA comes down on pixie sticks, but I'm sure they'll find a violation in there somewhere.

Thought #4-

LT thinks his days as a Charger are over. The 2006 MVP thinks it's very likely that he will be released from San Diego and based on his 3.3 ypc this season its easy to see why. Let's face it, the tinted visor is no longer the face of the Chargers franchise, today it's Phillip Rivers. So what does the future hold for Tomlinson now that's he's broke that magical age of 30? It's hard to say. No doubt the guy still thinks he can play and no doubt some team will take a chance on him. But LT before you go jumping onto some mid-level team do yourself a favor. Call up Emmitt Smith, Shaun Alexander, and Edgerrin James. See how that career move worked out for them. Pretty sure they will tell you the only thing to come from those deals was a surplus of jerseys that just look bizarre with their names on them. Seriously, did that Emmitt Cardinals jersey ever look right?

The Back Porch Podcast

Mike Dunleavy no longer Clippers head coach, Ladies join the Mavericks huddle, plus The Back Porch Super Bowl podcast!

Fri, 5 Feb, 2010 05:15:09 GMT

Thought #1- The Clippers have relieved head coach Mike Dunleavy . Now if you've ever been fired from a job that kind of sucked you know that mixed feeling of being upset and revealed. My guess is Mike is feeling the latter of those right now. Let's face it, being the JV Lakers coach can't be easy. It has to be a little tiresome always having to clear out the locker room before Kobe and the guys arrive and then having to get pizzas for your guys as they watch the varsity team from the stands. I'm sure that gig runs it's course, especially when the varsity coach is casting the shadow of record breaking wins over you.

Fact is the Clippers have underachieved this year and with guys like Baron Davis, Eric Gordon, and Chris Kaman, a 21-28 record isn't going to cut it out West. Mike will remain as the team's GM, which begs the question; did Mike fire himself?

Thought #2- The NBA is currently investigating how a woman manged to slip past security and give Rudy Fernandez a hug during Saturday's Blazers - Mavericks match up in Dallas.

Now if you've ever been the victim of a sneak attack hug, you know how Rudy feels. It's awkward, do you hug back fully, give that half heart one armed hug, or do you just stand real tight and hope it ends soon? It's always a tough call especially these days. In general I believe you have to have a few guidelines and if you stick with those you are safe. Only hug back, old ladies and children under 5. Unless you're at a wedding, funeral, or some other important social event, no hugging back in public. Just go stiff and wait for the awkwardness to cease.

Teammate Jerryd Bayless said the woman appeared to be drunk, but he might have just been basing this on the fact she went for Rudy instead of himself.

Now I'm not sure where the NBA will come down on this but I'm pretty sure the lady's punishment should be consistent with how good looking she is. Think about it, if Minka Kelly runs out and hugs you randomly you're not going to get that upset. You might ask for security to remove her from the game and take down her number for future hugs. Meanwhile is this is just some random 50 year, lacking a a few essential teeth and sporting a mullet, its probably not going to go down so well. I know its harsh and sounds mean, but its reality. Good looking people can get away with acting a little crazier.

The Back Porch podcast and Super Bowl predictions!

Dwight Feeney's ankle and Reggie Bush's ring situation highlight media day, plus Celtics' woes continue.

Wed, 3 Feb, 2010 03:17:15 GMT

Thought #1- So far the two biggest stars of the Super Bowl so far are Dwight Freeney's ankle and the weather. In fact I'm pretty sure the ankle might need it's own agent after the wall to wall media frenzy that has surrounded it over the past 24 hours. Today at media day Freeney was optimistic that he would be healthy enough to play a role in Sunday's game. After hobbling around in a pair of sandals during the event it was clear there is no way the guy is going to practice this week, but his statement alone puts some added pressure on the Saints. Think about it, they can't not prepare for Freeney, he's had 84 sacks since 02. As long as he's dressed out on Sunday he's a threat. Having Dwight on the sideline is like the Colts having a gun with only one bullet. Sure there might not be much ammo there, but you can't ignore the gun because that one bullet can still be extremely dangerous.

Thought #2 - Aside from Freeney's ankle fielding around 100 questions, the next big topic on everyone's mind was the potential engagement of Reggie Bush to Kim Kardashian. Rumors have spun wild lately that if Bush's Saints won the Super Bowl he would drop to one knee and proceed to get hitched. After Reggie's response on media day, he might best invest some coin those eatable flowers I keep seeing commercials for. In responding to questions about the rumor Reggie made it clear that he would much prefer to be getting a ring from Roger Goodell right now than from Kim. Ouch Kim. Even though every guy knew exactly what Reggie meant, (seriously what is cooler than a Super Bowl ring?) every guy also cringed a little bit for Reggie when those words came out. Yeah, definitely want to go with those chocolate flowers Reggie and you might need to throw in one of those heart necklaces Dr. Quinn keeps pimping for Kay as well.

Thought #3 - As you get older injuries seem to compound on top of each other with a domino like effect. You sprain and ankle, suddenly it moves to your knee, and then one day you wake up and your hip feels like you got kicked by a mule while you were asleep. It's a perplexing and often if all hits you at once. You basically just have to come to terms with the fact you are broke down.

The Boston Celtics woke up this morning and no doubt wondered what in the world happened to them. The most recent of the season long injury bug that has plagued the team was Paul Pierce injuring his foot in Monday night's win over the Wizards. This is the last thing the Celtics need right now. With Garnett obviously not 100%, Marquis Daniels yet to return from injury, and the team's overall appearance over the last week resembling more of a church league slow break squad than an NBA team, losing their captain and leading scorer for any length of team could be the final nail in the Celtics season. Pierce is listed as day to day and insisted that if his foot was broken he would know it by now.

Celtics' fan should hope and pray Pierce's diagnosis is correct and his healing will be sooner than later, if not they could very easily drop behind the Raptors in the Atlantic and lose home court for the first round of the playoffs. Also, the absence of Pierce could persuade Danny Ainge to push even harder in trading Ray Allen in an attempt to fill the void left by the absence of Pierce's 18 ppg.

Either way the Celtics have aged more rapidly than that bad guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade over the past few months. Combine that with a few key injuries and some late game fatigue and they're finding it's a very slippery slope from Cavilers and Magic of the East to fighting the Bulls and Bobcats for a playoff spot.

Rex Ryan's MMA debut, Tebow's Senior Bowl, and the Celtics aging rapidly

Tue, 2 Feb, 2010 12:02:20 GMT

Thought #1- If you were afraid that with the Jets failing to make the Super Bowl you would be forced to have two weeks absent of Rex Ryan's antics, put your mind at ease. Rexy made a series of bad decisions Saturday night which resulted is a sweet photo of him sporting a goofy grin behind a fully raised middle finger at a MMA event in Miami. Now Rex is a different breed that's for sure, but mistake number one was attending this event and sitting among the fans. Can't image the combination of liquored up fans who are all geeked up to see guys make each other bleed is going to mix well with the head coach of their biggest rival. Mistake number two came when Rex decided to speak to the crowd and announce they would be beating them twice this coming season. That was about as smart as trying to put out a campfire with a gas can. So of course MMA fan went MMA fan on Rex tossing f-bomb laced remarks towards Ryan, which always is the best way to prove your team is better. Ryan then makes mistake number three, talked some trash back and flipped the bird.

Was there any possible way this wasn't going to get caught on a camera phone somewhere and plastered all over the internet? I'm guessing it to a max of about 20 minutes for that pic to hit the inbox of that guy's 50 closest friends, and probably 10 after that to be forwarded to hundreds of others. You got to be smarter than that Rex. This isn't 1985. Gone are the days that would have just been a Polaroid shot hanging above some local Miami sports bar. If you do have to see an MMA match again, I would suggested looking into some luxury boxes or at least refusing the offer to go Dusty Rhodes on the crowd. The again if this coaching thing doesn't pan out, you could have a pretty sweet gig in the WWE.

Thought #2- The Senior Bowl, or what was commonly known as the Tim Tebow benchmark test, was held Saturday afternoon and Timbo didn't exactly impress. Following a extremely poor showing, Tebow said he felt like he improved everyday since he arrived in Mobile for the game. Thank goodness the game wasn't played earlier in the week then. Most scouts have blamed his weak performance on his having to adjust to taking snaps under center and play in a NFL style offense. Not sure how that makes the ball harder to hold on to, Timmy fumbling twice, or how that makes a player look like his running without one shoe, but I guess it does. The good news is Tim will still have plenty of chances to prove himself in his quest to become an NFL quarterback, the bad news is so far, the only thing he's proved is his critics correct.

Thought #3- We all get there one day. That day when you go out to your regular pick up game with the fellas and about halfway through a game, you've just been blown by for the fourth straight time by the new kid, and it hits you. Crap, I'm old. Now this isn't the worst thing in the world, you can still play, you just have to change up your game a little. Pick up a slower guy on defense, try to feed the younger guys the ball, and learn to those little old man tricks. You know, keeping your hand on a guy, stripping the ball when a guy comes down with a good board, and throwing your hips into people to knock off their shots. It's bad, but it's manageable.

The problem for the Boston Celtics is that they all got old really fast and at the same time. They've dropped three straight games to the Magic, Hawks, and the Lakers. All three were winnable contests, if only their stars had enough wind to finish those teams off. Instead you saw Garnett getting ate up, Allen bricking his trademark jumper off the high screen, and Pierce getting a lazy offensive foul in an attempt to get separation from Ron Artest. This is on top of the general observation that they just look beat out there. Now all three of those guys can still compete and contribute, but they are getting darn close to having to take a Gary Payton esque back seat to some younger guys. Again, the problem is that they still make up the core of that team and have to produce quality minutes for Boston to have success. I'm not saying they can't rally, I'm not saying it's time to trade in the ball shoes for golf spikes, but I am saying the days of full body ben-gay rub downs is creeping up on them and it's about time to take notice of it.

The NFL gets greedy on Saints fans, Nike goes to combat too soon, and thoughts on Kurt Warner

Sat, 30 Jan, 2010 07:04:30 GMT

Thought #1 - The Saints are going to the Super Bowl and like any Super Bowl bound team, team merchandise sales are through the roof. Great news for local Saints merch hawks right? Well not so fast. Apparently the NFL has felt the need to go Sheriff of Nottingham some of the local t-shirt vendors, claiming they own the popular phrase "Who Dat." The league has sent letters to the vendors demanding that that cease the sale of the shirts containing the phrase, which they claim is a legal trademark the league owns.

Really NFL? Are you that worried that someone in New Orleans might make a buck and you won't get your cut of it? Do you really want to play the role of the jealous spoiled kid here? You know the kid who owns every gaming system and hot new toy and has a rap star like variety of power wheels but yet still gets upset when the less fortunate kid kid down the street gets a Huffy bicycle. Do you really need to be that kid NFL? Can you really claim you own those two words?

On a side note the NFL also claims it owns the trademarks to the colors black and gold, giant foam fingers, the combination of beer and nachos, Thanksgiving, and air.

Thought #2- Do you have that friend who is too soon guy when it comes to jokes? You the guy who just has no sense of timing when it comes to those unsaid rules of how long before its appropriate to joke about a topic. He was probably the first person you knew to drop an OJ Simpson joke or drop a Lorena Bobbit joke back in the day and get that room full of undecided nervous laughter. Well that guy may have recently got a job working in the Nike advertising department.

Nike has released an ad with it's whole "Prepare for Combat" theme which contains Kobe Bryant making a gun reference. Reportedly Kobe mentions that he doesn't "leave anything in the chamber" in reference to his effort. That sound you just heard was every marketing person in the country saying uh-oh at the same time. Now normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but coming off a week where the leave suspended two players for bringing guns into the locker room, probably not the best of times to go into combat. Probably not the best time for some going to war or having a shootout analogies. Might want to go more the way of Kobe studies the game, you know show him in a library or a chemistry lab. Or go with Kobe's love of the game. It's almost Valentines Day, you could reenact a scene Sleepless in Seattle, even start marketing some chocolate Nike logos. The combat idea is cool, I dig it Nike, but it's just too soon.

Thought #3- There may not be a more under appreciated guy to ever play in the NFL than Kurt Warner. Think about it, dude has multiple MVPs, a Super Bowl ring and MVP, and 4 Pro Bowls under his belt, yet was repeatedly brought on to teams as a back up quarterback. Aside from his outstanding play, the guy has one of the best reputations of any person on earth and his leadership abilities are obvious considering the two failing franchises he helped guide to the Super Bowl. So why is it that you don't hear kids calling out his name on the play ground? Why is it that, for much of his career, we all failed to mention his name among the elites of the league? It's like the girl who you didn't appreciate and let go and now realize was awesome.

Warner's career has been amazing, going from stocking groceries to racking up some of the best passing numbers in the history of the game. Most of us should probably ask him to forgive us for over looking him so often. The good news is, knowing Kurt, he will no doubt grant it.

The Back Porch podcast

The All Star Reserves, The Tim Tebow Hay Ride, and The Back Porch podcast!

Fri, 29 Jan, 2010 04:49:44 GMT

Thought #1 - The All Star reserves have been picked:

East: Rondo, Pierce, Wallace, Rose, Johnson, and Horford

West: Williams, Paul, Gasol, Randolph, Nowitzki, Roy

The only glaring miss I see in the West is Chris Kaman out in LA. He's having a great year, but I'm guess the fact that he kind of looks like one of the cavemen from the Gieco adds hurts his marketability.

In the East some have argued that Josh Smith from Atlanta got passed over, but I'm pretty sure there some rule about have a max of two Hawks at any given All Star game.

Thought #1b - Mark Cuban has claimed this year's contest will make the Super Bowl look like a bar mitzvah. Now I've never been to one of those, but if this is true, I may need to consider changing religions. Listen Mark if the All Star weekend is going to compete with the Super Bowl, and I doubt it will, you better think twice about that two-ball contest. No need for me to watch Scottie Pippen play against Rebbecca Lobo. Also, might want to give this celebrity game thing a rest. I mean really, who wants to watch a fat Chris Tucker try and play defense on Frankie Muniz? That's not exactly screaming, "better than the Super Bowl." It's more screaming, "Kinda better than Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman reruns."

Thought #2 - There me be no player easier to hate in the world than Tim Tebow. If there was a poll, who do you hate more Tim Tebow or the devil, I'm pretty sure it could be a tight race. The Senior Bowl has basically become Tebow central, with guys jumping on and off the bandwagon like little kids at a hay ride. Whether it's his throwing motion or his pro life stance, people love to hate this dude. Granted if he was doing anything other than a Pro-Life commercial, doubt anyone would give him nearly such a hard time about it. If Tim is rocking a gay rights or a gun rights shirt at practice, doubt he's getting this much pub for it. But a hot button is a hot button.

Politics aside, you know someone is going to take a chance on this guy. You know he is going to make or break some GM's career, but how is this different than any other year? How is this different from the Mike Vick's, Ryan Leaf's, and Jamarcus Russells of the world? It's not. It's always a risk and Timmy is just this year's easy target scape goat. Some will jump on the wagon, some will jump off, but both sides will hope to make bold predicts and be right. Bottom line, come April, dude will be an NFL player.

This week's Back Porch Podcast!

Greg Oden goes Playgirl, the Gamecocks party foul, and potential trade in Beantown

Thu, 28 Jan, 2010 04:25:04 GMT

Thought #1- If you have sketchy e-mail forward guy at your work place, be very careful for the next few days. If you get a forward and the subject line contains something like, "Amazing Greg Oden dunk!" it is in your best interest to instantly delete it. Otherwise you may very likely face a burning sensation in your retinas and a few nightmares of naked 85 year old men.

Nude photos of Greg Oden have been floating around cyberspace over the past couple of days, which he claims are the result of a private message to a former lady friend.Oden claims they were taken well over a year ago, though I'm not really sure how that makes him any less naked. Possibly trying to explain some awkward tan line?

For anyone this is an incredibility dumb move, but Greg you're one of the most well known players in the league. You were the number one pick, the pick people begged for, you had to have known this was going to leak out. Granted it's not your vault some bent ex decided to spread these things around, but the best way to avoid that is to think twice about having that porno shot with your camera phone. Now you've got to deal with this on top of being in the running for the award as top bust of the century and on top of looking like you're 85. Maybe this was an attempt to prove your youthfulness, prove you still have a wild side, but it's not looking good for you Greg, especially not from that reflection in the mirror shot angle.

Thought #2- When you throw a great party it can sometimes get expensive, especially if you have a great reason to celebrate. Mix in a good time, a few drinks, suddenly you've ordered $100 worth pizza, someone is wearing your lamp shade as a hat, and that guy, who nobody really knows who invited, is passed out on your couch. You wake up the next day and realize you should have bought stock in Bounty paper towels and Glad trash bags.

The University of South Carolina knows this feeling all to well after being fined $25,000 today following their post game celebration against #1 Kentucky last night. Being the first time in school history the Gamecocks had defeated the top team in the country, the fans stormed the court in celebration. This was USC's second violation of SECs policy against on court celebrations, the first coming in 2005 against Kentucky and costing them $5,000.

Now I'm not a big fan of on court celebrations, especially those schools who think they need one multiple times during a single season. However, when you are South Carolina, when you just lost your previous game on a heart breaking last second shot, and when you're playing the top team in the country, it doesn't seem that outrageous. It defiantly doesn't seem 25 grand outrageous. For all the complaints out there about the money involved in college athletics, you would think requiring a school to pay that much for a post game party would set off a few alarms. But I guess it's a small price to pay to discourage fans from celebrating. Good job SEC.

Thought #3 - I hope the Celtics do trade Ray Allen for Monta Ellis as rumors have suggested. While Ray is a great player, he's aging rapidly and he is in the final year of his contract. Could be time to get young for the Celtics and a back court with Rondo and Ellis would be a great place to start. That is of course pending that they put a no moped clause in Monta's contract.

The NFL overtime rule and the start of Summer-o-Favre 2010!

Wed, 27 Jan, 2010 12:16:29 GMT

Thought #1 - The last thing anyone wanted to see in Sunday night's NFC championship game was it all come down to a coin flip. Now granted though they didn't get the ball in the overtime, the Vikings had their shot, but since they obviously decided not to protect their quarterback or the football the game all can down to a coin flip. This is yet another example of how awful the NFL overtime rule is. A team wins the toss and immediately it's only goal is to make it to field goal range, center the ball, and boot it through the uprights. Sunday night's game was classic but the finish was sub-par at best. It was like someone made an epic film, ran out of funds towards the end of shooting, and just decided to wind it up in five minutes and add in, and then they died, the end.

NFL, you need to fix this. Don't let anymore hard fought games have such luke warm endings. Don't let anymore games filled with highlights from the stars of the league, rest on the leg of a guy none of us could pick out of a crowd at the mall and hasn't broken a sweat since September.

If you want to keep the overtime the way it is, how about we just eliminate field goals in overtime? It could be sweet. I mean can you imagine the game planning on both sides that would go into knowing you have 4 downs to play with no matter where you are on the field? It would have to be more interesting than watching it hinge on a guy who you couldn't recognize if 50 bucks depending on it.

Thought #2 - Brett Favre has officially entered his off season and he has officially made the first of his 200 extremely vague statements about his future. Brett says a return next year is highly unlikely, which is basically code for, hunker down for yet another summer of Favre and local high school kids highlight reel. Thing is you know this is only going to get worse as he gets older. Think about it, have you ever tried to order at Outback with anyone over the age of 50? You probably plowed through at least 4 loaves of that bread waiting on them to decide what Aussie fries are and if they in fact want them over a baked potato. And by the way, if they don't know it comes with a salad and your waiter spring the question on them, you might as well loosen up the bucket and prepare for loaf number five. We could be in for a long summer of Favre-mania, that's the bad news.

The good news is that the same reporter who is going to be camped out Favre's place, trying to catch clips of dude in his wranglers on his lawn mower, can also camp outside the sex clinic Tiger Woods is staying at. Since the sex clinic is right there in Hattiesburg, this shouldn't be a problem. In fact, do I smell a reality show brewing? Hmm.... You know the aging QB trying to decide whether or not to make another go at it, meanwhile trying to help the struggling young star cope with his addiction to the ladies. This could be good. Now if only we could make it so they are forced to live together with that alcoholic chick Ruthy from the Real World Hawaii, a guy who they all assume is gay, but are all to afraid to ask, and some failing former child star. What's the girl who played Punky Brewster doing these days? What about that one of those three boys from Home Improvement? Haven't seen Jonathan Taylor Thomas in a minute, he's probably free. We'll give them the task of developing a flag football team to take on that local high school, meanwhile have to run the local frozen yogurt hot spot, and a the annual Hattiesburg save the beavers fundraiser. Oh, and obviously it will all be narrated by Teck-Money.

Urban Myer's addiction, Fran Tarkenton is still grumpy, and the Back Porch picks!

Sun, 24 Jan, 2010 05:57:57 GMT

Thought #1 - Have you ever seen that show Intervention? It's basically a show where families and friends come together to stop a person from their own self destructive habits. Sometimes it's crack, sometimes it's heroin, or sometimes it's a eating disorder. Regardless it's always something that is hurting the person and that they can't stop doing.

This week's intervention topic, college football coaching, and the subject is Urban Myer. Coaching is definitely Urban's crack and you better believe he cannot kick the habit. Last month he tried, siting health reasons, mainly chest pains and weight lose. The guy was in rough shape so he was going to try and give up his vice. Problem is he's hooked. Guarantee about two hours after he "quit" he was balled up in a corner somewhere just shaking. The grip of those Saturday afternoons got to him and no doubt withdrawal set in hardcore. Which leads us to yesterday where Urban announced he was planning to coach all of spring practice this season. The grip got him and like every addict, he thinks he can handle it this time.

Thought #2 - Fran Tarkenton sounds a lot like the old guy who always bashes new technology. You know that guy who claims he doesn't like this new "intro-net" and he doesn't trust ATM machines or banks in general, so he keeps all his money in coffee tins around his house. That's about how stupid Fran sounded this week as he reaffirmed his opinion that bringing Brett Favre to Minnesota was a decision he didn't like. What about the small pox vaccine Fran? You a fan of that? How about airplanes? Those sit well with you or do you think there is something a little bit fishy about people who want to join the birds in the sky.

Listen, I know both of those ideas sound ridiculous, but do they sound any more ridiculous than anyone saying they don't like the decision to bring Brett Favre to their team? Sure when he said this in August it just sounded like a grumpy old man but at least his argument had some merit. Today as we look back on a season where Brett has produced the highest QB rating of his career, Fran not only comes off as grumpy, but go ahead and add stubborn, crazy, and asinine to the list. Give it up Fran, how could you not like having one of the all time greats lead your team to the conference championship?

Thought #3 - Today's Back Porch picks:

While I do think there is something to the magic of the old gun slinger, I think there is even more magic in the mullet. Yes I'm talking about Jared Allen and that Vikings defense tht keep Tony Romo rattled for 3 hours last Sunday. Drew Brees is a great QB, but even a great QB can't play on his back. I also don't have the confidence that Reggie Bush will produce like he did last week for the Saints and help relieve some of that pressure the Vikes will but on Brees.

Vikings 31 Saints 24.

Two words, Peyton Manning. A lot of people are picking the Jets, a lot of people love the story line along with the cartoon character coach that is Rex Ryan. Heck, I love that guy. He's hilarious and he's put together an amazing defense. The problem is that defense is facing a guy who makes a little off studying defenses and then destroying them. Manning will go mad scientist on the Jets today. It may take a while, but eventually he will find their weakness and blow it up just Luke did on the Death Star. (yes I made a Star Wars reference. Sorry I watched Mallrats the other day.) I like the story, I like Thomas Jones, and I love the idea of Rex on the beach drinks in Miami, but Peyton is Peyton.

Colts 24 Jets 13

The Back Porch NBA All Star starters and solutions for the NFL Pro Bowl

Sat, 23 Jan, 2010 07:59:34 GMT

Thought #1 - The starting line ups for the NBA All Star game are in and while T-Mac got edged out, answering the prayers of most fans who actually watch NBA games, Allen Iverson will be starting. Now I have been critical of both of these stars, but AI is defiantly the lesser of two evils here, being that he actually has seen game time this season. Can we stop giving props to his dedicated fan base though? I mean seriously, it's all about clicking refresh with your mouse. It's not like folks are driving out in the rain to the polls everyday or standing outside Stern's office protesting all night. Sure his fans love him, and maybe he has more fans than a lot of other players. Or maybe he has one or two fans with a lot of free time on their hands and a high speed internet connection, its hard to tell.

Thought #2 - Here are the official starters for the 2010 All Star game.

East
Dwayne Wade-G, Allen Iverson-G, Lebron James-F, Kevin Garnett-F, Dwight Howard-C.

West
Kobe Bryant-G, Steve Nash-G, Carmelo Anthony-F, Tim Duncan-F, Amare Stoudemire-C

Again it must be stressed these are the results of online fan voting, which can be done multiple times by a single user.

Now the Back Porch's NBA All Star starters.

East
Wade, Lebron, and Dwight are no brainers here, where I take issue is with the two guys who go by their initials, KG and of course AI.

Replacing AI should be Rajon Rondo. Rondo is averaging 9.6 assists a game with the next highest person in the East being Lebron who averages almost two full assists less than him. Rondo also steals the ball over 2 times a night and averaging 14 points. Not to scabby, and if you consider his assists, Rondo typically accounts for somewhere over 32 of the Celtics points on any given night. By the way, that's counting all his assists as producing two pointers, so it's a low ball figure.

Replacing KG, who full disclosure is by far one of my favorite players, should be Chris Bosh. Listen KG's impact can't truly be read on a stat line and make no mistake about it, the dude is one of the top players in the East. Problem is, Kevin's been hurt a lot this season, only played in 30 games, and truth be told, his numbers have decline quite a bit. Bosh meanwhile has played in every game and averaged 24 points, 11 boards, and 2 assists, plus a block per contest.

Wade, Rondo, Lebron, Bosh, and Howard.

West

In the West the guards are well done, Kobe is Kobe and there is no better pure point in the league right now than Nash. The forwards and center are a bit off though.

Carmelo has stepped up his game this year, but Kevin Durant's numbers are better and no other player in the league has changed the face of a franchise as much as he has this year with Oklahoma City. Therefore I'll take Durant over Melo for the first forward spot.

Tim Duncan is solid, in fact he may be the most solid player ever in the NBA. At forward though it's hard to image how Dirk Nowitzki got ignored. Dude is putting up over 25 points per game and more amazingly has yet to miss a week of games due to his jello like ankles. For this reason Dirk replaces Duncan.

Because Duncan is the picture of consistent great play, he'll replace Stoudemire as the starting center. Let's face it, Amare is always the guy we think is going to break out and dominate and never does. He's kind of like a band billed as the next great thing, produces a few sweet singles, but never quite has that entire killer album. He's an All Star, but not a stater this year.

Kobe, Nash, Durant, Dirk, and Timmy.

Thought #3 - Speaking of All Star games, it's been pretty hard to ignore the hype the NFL is placing around the moving of the Pro Bowl to the weekend prior to the Super Bowl. This is kind of like getting that sweater from your Grandma for Christmas. I mean her heart is in the right place, but truth be told it's ugly and doesn't fit right. The NFL's heart is in the right place and for most of us we mentally clock out of football watching after the Super Bowl. Its the grand finally. Problem is, a lot of the leagues best stars aren't going to play. With players dropping out on a regular basis, and the fact that players on the Super Bowl contending teams unable to play, the game will be lack luster at best.

I was always told not to mention a problem unless I had a potential solution, so here goes.

Solution #1 - What if the Pro Bowl was turned into more of a show case for players with expiring contracts? What if the game was billed for players looking to boost their status with other teams, along of course with their pay checks. If you get guys out there who are really looking to prove themselves, chances are you will have a much more intense game and allow you and your buddies to sit around and talk about which players your team should take a run at.

Solution #2 - Make this game for the young guys. The NBA has it's annual Rookie - Sophomore game and it's usually pretty interesting. The NFL could easily take the young talent of the league, especially those who have under achieved their first couple of years, and allow them a stage to prove or re-prove themselves to the league. Again, hungry players make for more intense games.

Granted neither of these ideas are perfect, but they would give us something to talk about.

Drop your thoughts!

This week's Back Porch podcast. Check it out!

The Lane Kiffin Sewage Center and The Back Porch Podcast!

Fri, 22 Jan, 2010 01:01:27 GMT

Thought #1 - Have you ever drove through a random town and noticed the highway you were driving down had a name attached to it? You know like a Robert Wallace Parkway or James Monroe Highway. Have you ever wondered, what did that guy do to get a road named after him? Something heroic like saving a baby from a burning building or maybe he responsible for funding some much needed branch at the local hospital.

Years from now as some local Knoxville elementary school takes a field trip to the local waste treatment plant they will probably ask their tour guide, "Who is Lane Kiffin? What did he do to get the poop plant named after him?"

A local attorney in Knoxville has officially filed paperwork to rename the local water waste treatment plant the "Lane Kiffin Sewage Center."

Wow Vols fan. I know the guy hurt your feelings but to declare him as the permanent patron saint of worst smelling place in town might be taking it a little rough on him. Granted he got you all of seven wins, a nice butt whooping in the Chick-fil-a bowl, and the possibility of multiple NCAA violations thanks to his Orange Pride group, but do you really want to have to relive those memories every time a strong wind blows from the east? I mean did Boston rename local alcohol rehab clinic after Rick Pitino? Lord knows he caused more than his share of Celtics fans to drown away the sorrows of his tenure there. What about Atlanta? When Bobby Petrino dipped out on the Falcons did they name a Waffle House after him? You know in and out before you know it, and all the food is about halfway done?

Sure it sounds hilarious today, but come on Knoxville, you don't want to have to even think about that dude 20 years from now.

The Back Porch Podcast!

Tiger goes to rehab, Kansas St. is classy, and Brett Favre's pants are on the ground.

Wed, 20 Jan, 2010 08:04:52 GMT

Thought #1 - According to a recent book about addicts in America Tiger Woods is under going treatment at a sex rehabilitation clinic in Mississippi. Now before I say anymore let me say this has not been officially confirmed by the clinic or by ESPN. I will say if that's what Tiger needs, then props to him for getting help.

The idea of him going to sex rehab doesn't surprise me nearly as much as the idea that sex rehab clinics actually exist. Doesn't this strike you as more of a scene you would see in one of the 15 America Pie sequels or some awful 90's Pauly Shore movie? (My apologies in advance to the Pauly Shore fan nation. I'm defiantly not trying to take anything away from his legal thriller Jury Duty or military classic In the Army Now.) But seriously, those places are real? We live in such an odd world.

Thought #2 - Props to Kansas St. for not rushing the court last night after defeated no. 1 Texas 71-62. Nice to see a team finally realize that beating a team ranked 8 spots higher than you in January doesn't merit running wild onto your floor like you're at an AC/DC concert. Listen, no one cuts down the nets for wins in January and unless your team is Disney movie esque underdogs, there is no reason shove your way out there and jump around screaming. Just like high school football coaches tell their players about scoring their first touchdown, act like you've been there before. Act like you win big games like this all the time and you expected to knock of the #1 team in the country. Seriously, how often do you see Duke fans rush the court? How often does Kansas or UNC have their court absolutely trashed by fans after winning a regular conference game? Kansas St. had a huge win, but they get it and hopefully more teams will follow.

Thought #3 - So if Brett Favre goes "pants of the ground" after making it to the Conference championship, what's he going to do if they make it to the Super Bowl? I mean you have to follow up that up with something right? That's the problem with putting on a great show, it makes the encore a real challenge. If the Vikings defeat the Saints on Sunday I really think you have to go synchronized dancing. Maybe the Macarena or that line dance to the Water Melon crawl or possible even go real pop culture and break out the jerk? Just a couple ideas, because really I think you're going to struggle to live up to last weeks performance. Brett not only plays football like a kid trapped in a grown man's body, he also celebrates like one and man are they both fun to watch.

"Classless" moves by the Vikes, Norv Turner's blown call, and solutions for the NBA dunk contest

Mon, 18 Jan, 2010 11:42:48 GMT

Thought #1 - If you just got the crap kicked out of you the last thing you should do is criticize the style your opponent used to beat your tail. The last thing you need to do is get upset about that last kick to the stomach he threw to you once you were already down for the count. Dallas' Keith Brooking probably doesn't agree with me on this point. Brooking came out and called the Vikings last TD in their 34-3 dismantling of the Cowboys a "classless" move.

Listen Keith, I get it. You're bent because you just got embarrassed on a national stage. True it makes for a tough day, but don't take it out on the Vikings. If you want to call something classless start with your teams offensive line. Pretty classless to let your QB get sacked six times in one day. Oh and Romo's three turnovers, pretty classless as well. Then look at yourself and the rest of your buddies on the defensive side of the ball. Some might call allowing four touchdown passes in a single game a fairly classless move. Sure that last TD might have stung a little more than the others, but it would probably sting a lot less if you hadn't let them rack up the three previous ones.

Bottom line, the best way to avoid a "classless" TD at the end of a spanking is to actually show up to play the game. After all, you can't tell me that 34th point hurt that much worse than the first 27 they hung on you.

Thought #2 - Hindsight is 20/20 and second guesses are always easier than first ones, especially when the first ones are awful. That was the feeling this morning following Norv Turner's going for an onside kick rather than kicking it deep at the end of the Chargers' 17-14 lose to the Jets Sunday. Typically you could say it was a hard decision to make in the moment, but unfortunately for Norv that wasn't the case this time.

San Diego was down three with over two minutes left and a timeout and had they pinned the Jets deep, very likely could have gotten the ball back with more than a minute left on the clock. Instead they try for a prayer, put the Jets in a position where they will clearly use all for downs to get ten yards, and spent Monday canceling those reservations at the Holiday Inn in Indy.

Did you think you were playing Madden Norv? Did you somehow think that Rex wouldn't have his hands team on the field? What were going to do if you had of got the ball back, go for four straight hail marys? Second guesses always hurt the most when the first guess is just that, a guess.

Thought #3 - LeBron isn't going to be in this year's dunk contest despite his promise following last year's contest. And who exactly is surprised by this? No way was the Akron Hammer going to risk injury, or even worse losing that thing ust for a chance to hold up that Spite trophy.

The dunk contest like that run down amusement park you used to go to on vacation. Sure back in the day it used to be amazing, you'd go there and ride the spinning tea cups till you puked and then you'd hit up that fishing game with the little frogs that's mouths randomly opened and shut. You'd drop about 5 bucks trying to win a stuffed Snoopy doll that was worth about 50 cents. Go back to that place today and it's just depressing, everything looks way smaller than you remembered, half the frogs don't work, and the workers are just keeping that place open as a front for they crystal meth business.

Fact, this year's contest is highlighted by Nate Robinson. Yes, the same Nate Robinson who rides the bench for the New York Knicks. It's a sad shadow of what it used to be.

I was once told never to mention a problem without having a solution, so here goes. Start the contest with a hour long shoot around. Bring out some extra goals and allow any and every player who wants to to come out and try to pull off some ridiculous dunk. Lets face it, the best highlights and trick plays you see are always when guys are just messing around before or after practice or games so why not give them a no risk format for this? After the hour take the most impressive guys or combo of guys and put them in the contest. Can you imagine what these guys would come up given an hour to just screw around with a rack of balls? It would be amazing and give us a far more entertaining event to watch than the "two-ball" contest featuring washed up stars and WNBA players.

Thought #4 - Ray Allen is upset with the amount of influence the fans have concerning All Star voting. Ray makes a very good point. With voting about to end both Tracy McGrady and Allen Iverson are looking like starters for this year's game. Seriously does any one want to see T-Mac, averaging all of 3.2 ppg or the classically disgruntled AI starting this year while guys like D Wade and Pierce sit on the bench? But this is what you get when you let thousands of 13 year olds decide who the best players are in the league. Nothing against that age group but I'm not sure the same group that would vote the Jonas Brothers musicians of the year should be decided who the best players are in the All Star game.

The NBA needs to do what everyone does with groups of kids when deciding what restaurant to go to. Let the kids vote, then pick which restaurant you want to go to and tell them that's what they voted for. This will save you from choking down some horrible piece of plastic pizza at Chucky Cheese and will save the All Star from featuring stars from NBA Live 2002.

Dooley is the Vols' new man, Gilbert pleads guilty, & Craig James goes sports dad on Texas Tech

Mon, 18 Jan, 2010 01:51:45 GMT

Thought #1 - Tennessee hired who? Derek Dooley? Yup that's right, the University of Tennessee officially announced yesterday that the former La. Tech head coach and athletic director will replace Lane Kiffin at the helm for the Vols.

Wait, so you're telling me UT just hired a guy who wasn't even at the top of the candidate list for the University of Virginia job? Wow, who are you these days Tennessee?

Tennessee you're like that girl in high school who could always date any guy she wanted. You know, one of the girls at the top of the hotness pecking order and could have their pick of football players to date.You remember those girls. You probably also remember about five years later when you saw that same chick at Wal-Mart, 50 lbs heavier, lugging around two screaming kids, and buying Old Milwaukee and Hungry Man steak and gravy dinners for that dude she settled for once she realized that dream of marrying a pro quarter back was pretty much dead.

Yeah, Tennessee has become that chick. Tennessee used to have the ability to pick and choose who would run it's program but now, carrying more baggage than a 15 year old girl at camp, they pretty much have to take what they can get. No offense to Derek Dooley, he may be one heck of a coach and for his sake I hope he has success, but you can't tell me this was on Vols fan's top 10 list of coaches.

Thought #2 - Gilbert Arenas pleaded guilty yesterday to the gun related crimes he was charged with following his post gambling shoot out in the Wizard's locker room. The prosecution claims they will seek no more than 6 months of jail time for Gilbert but that will all be in the hands of the judge, who will make his decision official on March 26.

So Gilbert has over two months to get ready for a potential home away from home scenario in the slammer. Now based on what I know about jails, and believe it is entirely based on movie and television, Gilbert should probably spend the next two months becoming very unattractive. Maybe even go Ed Norton in the 25th hour on yourself and just have a friend beat the living crap out of you a few days before you go. Oh and you're going to have to change your name too. Last time I checked guys named Gilbert don't last to long on the inside, its not exactly a threatening sounding name. So take some time, come up with something new. Maybe Spike or Max or Tony. Or just take the name of a city, Dallas, Reno, those will work too just make sure it's not a French city. Not a lot of guys making it long in there named Paris.

Gilbert you made some very poor choices and now you have to pay for them. Make the best of it, try to catch up on some reading, work hard in the laundry room, and always always always share your lunch with Big Mike on Jello day.

Thought #3 - Mike Leach is no doubt crazy, but he may not be nearly as crazy as Craig James. If any of the details in the lawsuit Leach filed against Texas Tech are true, Craig James has truly risen to the top of the douche bag athlete parent pyramid. The alleged threatening phone calls and encounters with James revolved around his son Adam being demoted to a third sting wideout spot.

James is the classic case of over involved sports dad. You know that same dad that always tried to coach his son's little league time so that he could guarantee his boy a spot as a pitcher. Yeah we all loved facing the coaches kid. He'd roll up to the mound with that $50 glove and rocking some $100 Oakley's just to lob up a couple of his "heaters" that you would take down the line for a triple. Facing that team was great, being on that team was awful. That dad always trying to get pep talks that sounded oddly familiar to all those awful email forwards you get everyday and attempting to come up with ultra elaborate system of signs. Yeah, I'm 10 buddy, not exactly pick up on that hit and run sign you just dropped.

The problem with that dad is that eventually he can't coach his son's team. Eventually that kid has to try out for a legit team with a legit coach. So what does sports dad do? He tries to buddy up with the coach, buy him a couple beers, win him over, and then convince him his boy should be starting. If that doesn't work? Option two, try to bully him into playing your boy. It rarely works but if you've got some social pull, and James does, it's worth a shot.

Bottom line is that this rarely ends well and most likely Adam James is earning himself a one way ticket to working at a local insurance agency real soon.

Gilbert gets charged and the Back Porch Podcast!

Fri, 15 Jan, 2010 01:34:48 GMT

Thought #1 - Gilbert Arenas was officially charged with a felony in connection with last months incidents regarding his wild west shoot out in the Wizards' locker room. I'm not sure Gilbert gets it. I mean you live in a city that felt so strongly against guns that they changed their team's nickname from the Bullets, which was awesome, to the Wizards, which is one of the worst in the NBA. You live in that city and you're going to play with guns in the locker room? Nice, enjoy bunking up with Plax for the next 3 to 5. Word is he needs a good spotter in the weight room anyway.

Question of the night: who will be the best new NBA Jam combo?

The Podcast

The Knicks get haunted, the Clippers get cursed, and Vols fan burns stuff

Thu, 14 Jan, 2010 01:53:40 GMT

Thought #1 - Have you ever noticed people who are bad at things tend to make up the best excuses? You know, like how that friend who is awful at ball is always having some bizarre unexplained toe cramp right after he gets blown by for a game winning lay up. Or the way jeans shorts softball guy on your team always seems have some problem with his glove as balls pelt the ground around him.

The New York Knicks may have come up with the greatest excuse for losing yet; ghosts. The Knicks claim the hotel they stayed at, The Skirvin Hilton, the nights prior to their 106-88 lose to the Thunder has been haunted since the 30's and keep some of the players up worrying all night.

Eddie Curry was especially worried since he was staying on the 10th floor, the same floor a woman supposedly jumped out of holding here baby in the 1930's. So Curry did the best thing he could do, bunk up with Nate Robinson for the night. Wait, so you're telling me that all 7 feet and 300lbs of Eddy Curry sought out the 5 foot 9 inch KryptoNate for comfort? Or was he thinking if he did get attacked by goblins he could simply toss Nate to them as a snack and they would go away? It's hard to say.

Only the Knicks could come up with such a great excuse for tanking a game, granted they've had plenty of time to think about it over the years, but seriously ghosts? Until I see Eddy come rolling out covered in slime or see a clip of Chris Duhon's frig glowing and calling for Zool, I'm not buying it. Although I would completely believe Nate if he told me he was the key master.

By the way, what ever happened to Ecto Cooler? That stuff was great.

Thought #2 - Every morning when I wake up there are a number of things I thank God for. I thank him that I am alive, that I have a roof over my head, that some invented remote controls for TVs, and that Taco Bell continues to bring back the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. I also thank him that I am not a L.A. Clippers fan. Today the Clippers lost their number one draft pick, Blake Griffin, for the season. Not only does the Clippers' organization often completely blow apart good squads to save some money, not only do they play in the same arena as the Lakers, but now the curse of the number one pick seems to have fallen their way. Tomorrow morning as you remember your blessings add not being a fan of the JV Lakers to the list. You life will be better for it.

Thought #3- The fall out from Lane Kiffin leaving Tennessee continues tonight and many a matteress will become a victim. Apparently that's what you do in Knoxville when you are upset your coach used you as a career booster. I mean what else sends the message, "don't you regret leaving this place" like the smell of burning linens.

Listen I know you feel cheated Vols fan, but you're better off. The guy got you 7 wins and probably more than 7 NCAA recruiting violations. I know its hard to see right now, but you're better letting Lane take off with his Orange Pride groupies and go find your self a steady guy.

Oh and quit setting stuff on fire, making your campus look like some war torn country isn't exactly appealing to visitors.

Lane Kiffin ditches UT and heads for Southern Cal.

Thu, 14 Jan, 2010 12:03:11 GMT

Morning Thought from the Porch - The University of Tennessee thought they were building a relationship for the long haul. They'd made it through the fall, had a blast at homecoming, and even survived the dreaded meeting of the families during the holiday season. Too bad their guy only saw this whole deal as a fling, just keeping him busy till he got a chance to upgrade to a hotter deal.

Early Wednesday morning the sports world learned that Lane Kiffin is leaving the University of Tennessee to become the next head coach of USC. Kiffin claimed this was not an easy decision, which explains why it took him all of about a half hour to decide to ditch the Vols, throw on some flip flops, and pack for So Cal. Kiffin, who has been the Volunteers' head coach for a mere 14 months, leaves the program with a 7-6 record and with the finally memory of the Kiffin era being a beat down taken thanks to Virginia Tech in the Chick-fil-a bowl.

You can't feel good about this Vol fan. Kiffin just used you as a stepping stone. You are one of the legendary programs, in the best conference in college football, and he just treated you like you were the University of Delaware or San Jose St., jumping ship just as soon as the opportunity approached him. He is basically the guy who dates the girl from art class for half the year but as soon as the head cheerleader is available, he's gone and art girl is left teary eyed watching Sleepless in Seattle on repeat while pounding pints of Rocky Road and Mint Chocolate Chip. Enjoy the movie UT, could be a long weekend.

On a side note at least USC has kept it's trend of having head coaches with experience in NCAA violations. Wonder how long it will be before Lane gets the Trojan pride group rolling out to local high schools?

Mark McGwire did steriods, USC is still in trouble, and Jim Leavitt needs to use his inside voice

Tue, 12 Jan, 2010 11:30:58 GMT

Thought #1 - Mark McGwire did roids? What?!?!? The Big Mac was juicing? Yeah and in other breaking news, ice is cold, pancakes are better with bananas, and people who have more than 3 cats living in their house are creepy. It's an odd world we live in where the big news isn't the bad deed itself, its that a guy finally had the guts to confess to it. This is what happens when it takes a man over half a decade to admit something everyone in their right mind already knew he did.

While plenty of people are giving Mark props for having the courage to finally come out and admit his wrong doing, I'm wondering what kind of precedence this sets for our future? Are we ok letting people refuse to answer for their deeds until they are comfortable doing, or worse until they have something to gain from it? Possibly a job as a hitting coach? Pretty sure that's not how it works other places. Pretty sure if you get caught cheating on a test for a license in what ever job you have and they ask you about it they will expect an answer right then. Doubt you'll be getting a 5 year plus grace period to consider your options.

On a side note if you get a chance check out the phone interview with Mark. Pretty sure it sounded like he was either cooking popcorn or standing inside a bonfire during the entire interview.

Thought #2 - Not so fast USC. We know you tried to ground yourself to avoid further investigations but apparently that isn't good enough for the NCAA and there will be an official hearing sometime in February. As predicted, even though the kid grounds himself after getting sent to the principals office for that whole stopping up the sinks in the boys' bathroom prank, dad's belt is still coming off when he gets home.

Oh and mighty nice of Pete Carroll to play the role of the buddy who helped stop up those sinks and slipped off just before you got busted. Convent that Seahawks' offer came out of "no where" just as the hammer was on the down swing.

Thought #3 - Would someone please tell Jim Leavitt to use his inside voice? If you didn't catch it, Leavitt stood in from of the media Monday and basically yelled about how he wants is job as the head football coach at the University of South Florida back. Leavitt was dismissed recently following allegations that he slapped a player in the face during halftime of the Bulls' game against Louisville this season.

You know what's not convincing me you aren't capable of smacking a player? Shouting at the media. Seriously, either Jim has major anger management problems or the hearing of a 95 year old former construction worker. He sounded like the kid who tries to talk to you without taking his headphones off, 5 feet away from you and just screaming. Come on Jim, we get it, you love USF. You built that program and hate the idea of it ending this way. We get what you're saying, just tone it down a little. It's a press conference, not a WWE event.

Pete Carroll leaves USC just in time, Marshawn swipes a 20, & Gilbert drags his teammates down.

Sun, 10 Jan, 2010 03:02:30 GMT

Thought #1 - Pete Carroll is leaving town. Carroll is heading to Seattle and will reportedly replace the recently fired Jim Mora as head coach of the Seahawks. Most people are convinced that with the lack of GM currently in Seattle, this will provide Pete with the opportunity to fully run the show, something is has become very much accustom to during his tenure at USC.

Maybe more importantly though, this gives Pete a ticket out of town before the hammer falls on that program. Think about it. Last week the school comes out and punishes the basketball program for NCAA infractions in regards to O.J. Mayo. Odds are Pete heard of similar punishments heading his way. Between all the talk of what Reggie Bush got when he was at USC and this year's controversy surrounding Joe McKnight, somebody is eventually going to be punish and now it darn sure isn't going to be Carroll.

Pete is basically taking of the role of the kid at the high school party who hears that the cops are showing up, doesn't really tell anybody, and slips out the back door just before that door bell rings and the questions as to who bought the Natty Ice start flying around.Pete sliding out the door just before the NCAA shows up and starts laying down the law.

Smart Pete, very smart. The question now is can Pete get used to legit methods of paying his players? I mean how is Matt Hasselbeck going to react when instead of a check this year, he finds 100 grand in a shoe box sitting outside of his locker? Could be hard for Pete to get used to not having to spend Friday evenings stuffing envelopes with cash.

Thought #2 - Marshawn Lynch makes a good living. In fact I would say that making 18.9 million dollars over a period of six years is a darn good living. But you know the coaches always athletes, "never get satisfied," and Marshawn has really taken that to heart.

Lynch reportedly stole $20 from a lady at a TGI Friday's in Buffalo on Dec. 7. Now I know what you're thinking; yes a dinner at a Friday's can run up a pretty hefty tab, and you're no doubt going to be disappointed with your meal, but seriously Marshawn, you ganked an Andrew Jackson? Listen, if you are a little light in the wallet, do that whole smaller portion thing buddy. That's why they created it, which by the way, may be the worst all time restaurant gimmick. I mean really who was the guy who was like, "oh I know, let's give people less food. That'll bring em in!"

The lady Marshawn stole the 20 spot from, just happened to be the wife of a Buffalo police sergeant. Now granted Lynch isn't the smartest guy in the world and granted he looks like the love child of Busta Rhymes and a catfish, but he stole from a cop's wife? The only thing worse than you being a criminal Marshawn, is that you are a stupid criminal. Pretty sure I'll be checking you on one of those stupid criminal shows that comes on Spike at 1 am soon, crashing a stolen car into a police station or holding up a 7 eleven and accidentally locking yourself inside.

Thought #2b. - The lady who Lynch stole from reported the incident to the Buffalo police department the next day. Sounds pretty normal right? 10 days later she received a note and a $20 bill in the mail from the police. Nice one Buffalo PD. Way to look out for the home team. I mean we all saw Varsity Blues right? You don't arrest Tweeter for stealing cop cars, you don't lock of Billy Bob for getting tanked, so no way you're taking Marshawn down for just swiping a 20. Just drop that 20 in her mail box with a little note and go back to patrolling the local bowling alleys.

Thought #3 - Growing up did you ever heard the expression, guilty by association? You know, don't hang with the bad kids so you won't get blamed when they go out and spray paint pot leaves of the school sign. It's a tough lesson to learn but I'm sure four of the Washington Wizards have a pretty good grasp on it by now.

Andray Blatche, JaVale McGee, Randy Foye, and Nick Young were all fined 10 grand each for making fun of Gilbert Arenas pregame finger gun demonstration earlier this week. That's exactly what I want from a teammate. Not only did you bring guns into my locker room, you acted like a jackass about it, I laughed at you, and now I'm in trouble. Now granted you probably barely know anything about the players who were fined. Doubt that is just a coincidence. Pretty sure a Lebron or Kobe isn't getting fined for laughing at Gilbert. But that's how it goes; you can hang with the bad kids if you're the principal's son. Your stock is to high for you to get in trouble.

NBA Jam returns & the Back Porch podcast

Fri, 8 Jan, 2010 11:56:09 GMT

Do you ever get some good news that's so you good you think you must be dreaming? Maybe it's that your wife is pregnant or that you just won some sort of prize. Or maybe it's even that that girl you've had your eye on for months is finally going to be willing to let you buy her a $20 steak that she will barely eat.

For me that good news came this week when I learned that EA Sports is officially bringing back NBA Jam!

Suddenly my head was filled with memories of staying up till 4am, slamming Mt. Dew Code Red and sleeves of cookies while watching Larry Johnson and Alonzo spinning through the air on fire, breaking back boards and hitting buzzer beaters.

Then my mind wondered to the new players. How sick is Lebron going to be on this game? How about D-Wade, Kobe, Pierce, it's going to be amazing. Also, the celebrity head mode should be out of control. I mean seriously can you wait to play giant George W. head verse giant Obama head mode?

I really hope this game comes out while I'm on summer vacation because lord know I won't be sleeping that week and I would hate to lose my job over coming in every day looking like a strung coke head that slept in a dumpster the night before.

The Back Porch Podcast!

Did Boise St. show up big enough, Arenas likes gun jokes, & Washington gets it's X-mas gift

Wed, 6 Jan, 2010 02:54:02 GMT

Thought #1 - Boise State stepped up last night and defeated Texas Christian in the Fiesta Bowl. TCU's defense got all the hype going in, but it was the Broncos who would stag 3 INTs, and with the help of a sweet fake punt, win the game. Now the big question on everyone's mind is could the winner of the JV title game compete with one of the big boys from a BCS conference. Do you want a one word answer for this or a two word answer? Listen the only ranked team other than TCU, who I'm not sure knew they were playing Monday night, who Boise beat this season was an Oregon team who had yet to find its identity.

Have you ever seen the teen movie "Can't hardly wait?" You know it was all about a party and Jennifer Love Hewitt was in it. (You're welcome) Remember the school dork who had one good night at the party, finally getting along with the popular jock guy? The next day the kid shows up and tries to sit at the jocks table and remember what happens? He gets shut down.

Boise you've had a couple of good nights, but that's not going to get you an automatic seat at the big boys table. Listen, running the table in the WAC each year is nice, but it's never going to be an automatic ticket to a national title game so prepare to have to fight your way to a seat every year until that changes.

Thought #2 - Have you ever got caught talking about someone just to find out they are standing right behind you? We all have and what is the only thing you can do to escape the situation? Attempt to convince everyone it was all a joke, you were just playing around.

So, this is the route Gilbert Arenas is taking in order to escape his wild west experience in the Wizard's locker room. Arenas claims it was all a joke, he was just playing around by pulling out a couple of six-shooters in dealing with his gambling debt to teammate Javaris Crittenton. You know unless those guns had flags hanging out of them with the word BANG printed on them in big letters, I'm pretty sure that jokes not going to get a lot of laughs. You might have gotten a couple of chuckles when you hopped into the shower at halftime in your uniform and a few fellas might have laugh when they saw you playing online poker instead of taking pre-game shoot around, but this one isn't going to fly. Come on Gilbert, it's one thing to try and be hardcore in the locker room but its a whole other thing them try to cover your butt by pretending it was a joke. Now you're just going to be facing a lengthy suspension and you have no street cred. Congrats and enjoy you're new found hobby of learning the ins and outs of the legal system.

Thought #3 - Lots of debate has surrounded the topic of whether or not starters should play in the last few NFL games of the season when it really has no bearing on their postseason futures. The debated has gotten even more heated this week following the injuries to the Patriots' Wes Welker, torn ACL and MCL, and the Cardinals' Anquan Boldin, who injured his ankle. Now sure it's every coach's right to bench his players late in the season. You can be that coach if they choose to. You know, you can also be that parent who sends their kid out the skateboard with the neighborhood kids wearing ever single pad known to man. Just know that just like that kid, bad things can still happen (in fact they are probably more likely to in the kid' situation. No way he's not getting beat up for wearing shin guards just to ride a bike.) Welker could have just as easily torn that knee up going up the steps, just ask Ron Artest about those tricky things, and Boldin could have twisted that ankle walking out of an ice cream shop in Phoenix. It happens and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. So do the fans a favor, take off the bubble wrap and play the game, in fact play to win the game.

Thought #4- As you get older you usually know what you are getting for Christmas. Despite that, if you are like me, you probably are not allowed to have your gift until the big day. You're just forced to sit and stair at it sitting, all wrapped up, under the tree.

For the past 3 months Redskins' fans have been looking at their present, wrapped up with a bow and all and sitting right their under the tree. All they have been able to do is dream about the big day when they can finally open it up and see what they know they are already getting. Well Monday started the unwrapping process as Jim Zorn was officially fired as the head coach. Today the rest of the unwrapping process began to take place as contract talks began with Mike Shanahan. Is it just me or have we all not known about this since at least Thanksgiving? They might has well broadcast the contract talks on MSNBC. And by the way, how on Earth did Jim Zorn make it this past couple months? Props to him for riding that boat to the bottom while watching Dan Snyder pour water in from all angles.

Enjoy the present Skins fans, keep the receipt though, Synder tends to wear new toys out beyond their warranties pretty quick.

Gilbert turns the locker room into a saloon, ECU's food fight, and Brandon Marshall is sent to his room.

Sat, 2 Jan, 2010 07:06:48 GMT

Thought #1 - Let's play a game. I'll describe a situation and then you tell me where you think this situation is playing out.

Two well dressed men sit across from one another. They stare at each other coldly and attempted to make small talk. One makes an off handed remark about a gambling debt owed to him by the other. The conversation quickly escalates, accusations are made, names are called, and one refers to the other as "yellow." All at once both men rise up and draw their side arms, aiming directly at each other, and daring each other to pull the trigger.

Now is this situation taking place in
A. A 1885 Saloon in West Texas
or
B. The Washington Wizard's locker room

The answer of course is B. The New York Post has reported that Gilbert Arenas and teammate Javaris Crittenton drew guns at each other on Christmas Eve during a locker room argument. Gilbert has been suspected of keeping firearms in the locker room, a situation the Wizards are supposed to be looking into. As to the question of why would you need a gun in the locker room, we now have the answer. Obviously the Wizard's locker room is basically like a wild west saloon. It's a good bet there are some sweet card games going down in there, probably a guy constantly playing piano, and some semi good looking lady in a huge dress laying around offering players a good time. Yeah you can't roll in there unarmed. I mean you never know when a fight is going to break out, a Indian raid might go down, or you're simply going to want to kill some time by trying to shoot cards out of some girl's hand. Yeah Gilbert has to keep the six-shooter handy.

And by the way no better way to say Happy Birthday Jesus, then by going Doc Holliday on a teammate. No better Christmas Eve gift to give your teammates than by freaking them all out by pulling out your piece. The sad thing is, it hasn't been reported that any of them were that freaked out by this, which kind of makes you think this isn't the first time things have gone a little crazy in the Wizard's saloon. Can't you just see all the new guys freaking out and Butler and Jamison just sitting there saying, "Good lord, not again. Don't worry guys, just ride it out. Oh, but if he tells you to dance, it's a good idea to listen to him."

Thought #2 - An important skill to master in life is the ability to pick your battles. Knowing which are worth fighting and which are worth backing down from can keep a young man out of trouble and is a sure sign of maturity. With that said, East Carolina head coach Skip Houtz has suspended running back Johnathan Williams and defensive back Leonard Paulk for Saturday's Liberty Bowl game against Arkansas. The two players got into a brawl during an awards luncheon following a heated dispute over a dessert. Reportedly Skip took 24 hours to investigate what happened before deciding to suspend the guys. I'm guess most of this research was devoted to figuring out what type of dessert it was. I mean if it was just plain vanilla pudding or one of those cheap Wal-Mart brand square doughnuts, then yeah, this was a stupid fight. However, if we're talking about red velvet cake with cream cheese icing or one of those cookie cakes from that cookie stand in the mall, then the fight is completely justified. Seriously though can't ECU drop a few more bucks and bring in a few more cookie trays? I mean it's a college football team, you know guys are going to throw down at meal time. Drop some coin and get an extra couple plates of cheesecake.

On a side note the luncheon was attended by members of school administration and members of the Liberty Bowl committee. I'm sure the Pirates left them with a good impression. Nothing like flipping a couple tables over and wrestling over a cupcake to show those guys they made the right pick for their game.

Thought #3 - Brandon Marshall apparently won't play this weekend. Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels has decided to bench the wide out for being unaccountable to the team. Marshall hinted to reporters that he couldn't have played anyway because of a pulled hamstring, so it was a convenient time to punish him. McDaniels and Marshall obviously do not get along but McDaniels's punishments are always pretty lame. He suspended Marshall earilier this season from playing in preseason games and now he's basically giving him another slap on the wrist, giving Brandon a week off that he needed anyway to rehab. McDaniels is kind of like that parent that wants to seem really hardcore on their kids by grounding them and sending them to their rooms. Problem is that room has a xbox, blueray player, and a lap top in it. Yeah good punishment. Then that parent wonders why they keep getting phone calls home from the principal. Good job coach, you probably won't have any more trouble out of Brandon, well until next week. Enjoy your week off Brandon.

Thought #4 - As Florida crushed Cincinnati last night one thing was very clear; if you barely beat Pittsburgh you probably have no business playing the Gators in a bowl game. Though it was nice of you to show up for what was basically Tim Tebow's first NFL workout. Hopefully he'll send you a thank you card for providing him with a sweet highlight tape to send around the league.

Thought #5 - My New Year's resolution is to quit cussing people out in my head as a drive through the Wal-Mart parking lot. I realized earlier today that is by the place where I use the most profanity. Now granted I should stop, but I really wish people would follow the arrows. We have a system here folks! This isn't Mexico, we have rules, follow them.

The Decade in Review, a look ahead, & The Back Porch podcast for 12-31

Thu, 31 Dec, 2009 11:06:55 GMT

Thoughts on the 2000s.

We've learned a lot in the sports world during the past ten years.

1. We learned that not only are there drugs out there that make you a better athlete, but that A LOT of athletes are down with them. We also learned that when asked about these drugs you have three options; Confess and risk having your records marked, deny and risk having your reputation marked, or conveniently forget how to speak English.

2. We learned that many of our favorite superstars like women and for some reason will risk ruining their family life for one night with an ugly chick at a hotel. Really do you remember the girl Kobe was with? How about Big Ben? Pretty sure I would think twice about taking these chicks to Golden Corral much less shaking up with them.

3. We learned Fantasy Sports are either the best thing ever or the devil. They are amazingly addictive and fun, but also probably cost us numerous grade letters and promotional opportunities due to our need to spend hours online trying to figure out how bad Wes Welker's ankle is sprained. Granted we wouldn't have it any other way.

4. We learned that halftime shows during the Super Bowl can in fact be worth watching, thanks to the potential for wardrobe malfunctions. Other than that our time is much better spent refilling out drinks or heating up that 3rd bowl of cheese dip.

5. We learned we still love football and will take it any way we can get it, even as a hour long drama, thank you Friday Night Lights. My TV is so much better with Minka Kelly on it. As a side note, despite numerous attempts by the media to convince us otherwise, we still don't dig soccer. My apologies to the kids at school wearing Sambas who were cut from the football team.

Now for some things we need to work on in 2010.

1. There has been a lot of talk of expanding the NCAA tournament. Bad idea. It is already watered down enough. Now we do need to work on this to make sure the best teams get to compete while not eliminating all the smaller schools from a shot at the title.

Solution: Play the NIT tournament prior to the NCAA tournament. Play it all in one long weekend of basketball and allow the winner to enter the NCAA.

2. The NFL sudden death overtime rule is awful and we are all sick of seeing teams drive down and take a knee to line up for a field goal.

Solution: Keep sudden death but ban field goals in overtime. Just imagine the possiblty for sweet goal line stands.

3. We are all sick of Pete Rose talking. Not just complaining about being banned from the Hall of Fame, but talking in general.

Solution: Have one last hearing, make a decision, then no matter the outcome ban all media outlets from ever speaking to Rose again. The punishment for any media member who breaks this law will be that they are forced to spend the night alone with Rose in that Texas Tech shed.

4. The Nascar season is way to long. Who really wants to watch racing over football in November? Plus it's to cold to take your shirt off and really what is Nascar without topless fans covered in fried chicken grease?

Solution: Cap the season off in August during the preseason for football games. Nothing else is going on then and ratings would soar. Also, run the last few races at the most popular old school tracks, Martinsville, Richmond, Daytona, Atlanta, Charlotte. Get back to the roots of the sport.

5. The BCS sucks, but we all know a playoff system for college football will always be a hard sale. The suckiest part is that the championship game is on a weeknight after we've all gone back to work.

Solution: No matter what you do with the BCS always make the championship game take place on January 1. Make it a tradition to start the new year off every year crowning a champ.

Here's to hoping 2010 is a sweet year for all. Happy New Year!

The Back Porch podcast for 12-31-09

Mike Leach's boat sets sail, Artest gets attacked by gift boxes, & T-Mac a Knick?

Thu, 31 Dec, 2009 04:59:39 GMT

Thought #1 - Mike Leach was officially fired by Texas Tech Wednesday afternoon, just days after the school had suspended him for allegations of player mistreatment. Red Raider Adam James, son of Craig James, alleged that Leach stuck him in small dark places for hours on end on at least two occasions as a punishment for dogging practice.

Now Leach has never denied the claim that he put James in a storage shed or closet. He simply denied any wrong doing. So it's not that you didn't put the kid in a shed, it's that you thought it was the right thing to do? Interesting. You know comments like that make Leach look a lot like Jack Nicholson. I feel like Mike and Col. Nathan Jessep would really get along. The only thing missing from "code red" Adam James got was a couple guys swinging socks filled with bars of soap at him. This does of course place Craig James firmly in Kevin Bacon's role as the prosecuting attorney. Bottom line is that something happened with that kid and it was borderline at best. I just can't wait till Demi Moore shows up with the 10 boy's hair cut.

Thought #1a - Merry Christmas Texas Tech. You and your coincidental timing saved yourself at least 800 grand by firing Mike today verses tomorrow. Is it possible that there is no good guy in this entire case? Is it possible that everyone involved is wrong on some level? Adam dogged practices, Leach over did the punishment, and Texas Tech jumped on the story quick to save a little coin. Bad kid verses bad coach verses bad school. The real loser here, the rest of the team facing a bowl game this week against a Michigan State team they were easily favored to beat.

Thought #2 - Accidents around the house are pretty common though in the education world teachers are always advised to ask a lot of questions when kids come in with bruises. They are supposed to double check again and again to make sure that kid really did run into a door and get a split lip and a black eye.

I would imagine Phil Jackson might want to go through a similar line of question with forward Ron Artest. Ron apparently had some accident at his home on Christmas night which left him with a deep cut on his elbow and severe memory loss. Dude didn't even remember playing earlier that day, of course Lakers' fan might suggest they didn't play after getting run by Lebron and the Cavs. Ron also doesn't remember how the event occurred. He says there were Christmas boxes and steps involved, but other than that, he really has no idea what happened. Phil, you might want to sit down with this guy and ask him a few questions. You might want to question how one of your more athletic guys can't navigate a stair case and some boxes, and maybe mix in a question or two about how things are going at home while you're at it. I can't seem to remember the last time I was attacked by x-mas boxes, but I imagine they can be pretty vicious. Then again this is what you get when you take on Ron. You get 1 part sick defensive player, 1 part kooky sell cds out of the back of his ride guy, and one part bizarre accident with gift boxes and stair cases guy. It's a strange mixed bag, but it's what you get with Ron.

Thought #3 - The Houston Rockets are shopping around the K-Mart version of Vince Carter, ie Tracy McGrady and reportedly the New York Knicks are very interested. New York is probably a good fit for T-Mac. Let's face it, they are used to underachieving high dollar superstars and has there ever been a bigger under achiever than Tracy? This guy was talked about in the same circles as Kobe at one point, had his own shoe, and was on the cover of video games. Now he's riding the bench and watching Aaron Brooks soak up his minutes. His career is basically paralleling another former Magic great, Penny Hardaway. Only difference is Penny had a better nickname and much better commercials. Gosh I miss Lil Penny. Maybe Tracy will get to New York and reclaim a little of his glory, but just remember Knicks fan, the dude is one ankle turn away from you paying him top dollar to wear ugly sweater and tie combos on your bench.

Thought #4 - Manny Pacquiao has filed a suit against Floyd Mayweather Jr. claiming that he defamed him by falsely accusing him of using performance enhancing drugs. The fight has been placed on hold as of now because Mayweather's camp is pushing for random blood and urine testing prior to the fight. Manny, obviously, objects to this. This kind of reminds me of the kids in high school that hate cops and get super nervous when they are around. Why are they so anti those who protect and serve us? They have pot, or beer, or are doing something they shouldn't be doing, that's why. Listen, if you have nothing to hide, you don't worry about stuff like this. Think about it. If you are driving the speed limit and wearing your seat belt, you don't care if a cop drives by. On the other hand if that belt isn't clicked you get nervous and try to be all sneaky sliding your arm through the shoulder strap so it looks like its on. If Manny has nothing to hide, why worry about this?

While it's not clear how this will pan out one thing is certain, they will both be highly ticked off when they step in the ring. Awesome. I only wish this whole situation could play out on the steps in Philly and Manny would have invited Floyd's lady to get with a real man.

Mike Leach gets an extended holiday break thanks to his concussion remedy

Tue, 29 Dec, 2009 02:56:52 GMT

Thought #1 - Mike Leach has always been a different type of guy. Whether he's giving a witty press conference or decking out his office in pirate gear, there is always something interesting going on with that guy. Now Mike is a the forefront of one of the most bizarre stories of the year. Reportedly Leach has been suspended after allegations that he stuck a player in a dark closet for several hours. The player, Adam James who just so happens to be the son of ESPN analyst, was diagnosed with a concussion and placed in a training room for a few hours and then days later a closest.

Now I'm not a doctor, I've been to medical school, and I was pretty awful at biology in college, but I'm fairly sure proper treatment for a head injury doesn't included being trapped in an electrical closet. Is this some new holistic procedure? Was there a witch doctor involved and some kind of weird organic drink mix? Pretty sure the old electric closet lock in isn't in the medical journal or even a WebMD solution. Is this a Leach family home remedy? Combine 3 hours in the closet with a bucket of salt water, fish oil, and a hot toddy?

If this is all true, if Leach did play a role in making James get in this closet, I think the question then becomes, what kind of college kid let's a man stick him in a closet for 3 hours? Most 18-22 year olds will barely do what adults ask them when it's not ridiculous, much less when it sounds like some terrorist interrogation tactic. How on earth did they get that kid in there? Did they leave a trail of cookies and dirty magazines leading into there and then shut the door? Or did they pull the old change the sign on the door trick? You know, taping over the "electrical closet" sign with one that say's "Free Beer and Cupcakes." Something tricky had to happen because no way a kid should let any stick them in a room like that once, let alone twice.

Bottom line is that this is just another unfortunate example of college coaches abusing their power. Young men look up to them for leadership and will obviously go to extreme measures to please them and some coaches have let that inflate their heads to the point of thinking they are untouchable. If these allegations prove to be even remotely true Mike Leach will be gone and will be lucky if he ever works near young people again outside of mopping up the floors at the local rec centers.

Peyton Manning watching the Colts crash, Cowboys paying too well, & Vinny is out with the Bulls

Mon, 28 Dec, 2009 08:55:31 GMT

Thought #1 - Sometimes you can read a person's face easier than you can read those South of the Border billboards that are pasted all over highways in the Carolinas. That was defiantly the case yesterday with Peyton Manning. As the Colts gave away their first game of the season the expression on Peyton's face looked like a guy who had just been convinced by his wife to let his crazy brother in law borrow his new car. All Peyton could do was stand and watch as is prized car, the one he spent hours detailing and even getting weird gunk out of all the little groves around the shifter (what is that stuff anyway?) got spun around doing doughnuts, banging into telephone poles and mailboxes, and eventually nose diving off a cliff. No doubt it killed Peyton to watch this happen. Nobody loves the history of football more than this guy, nobody is more of a perfectionist with his game than this guy, and no one deserved a shot at 19-0 more than him. But there he stood, watching as season he had worked so hard to build came crashing down and there was nothing he could do about it. Just like that good husband though, he didn't blame the brother in law, nor did he blame the person who told him to give up the keys, and you know he never will. He'll just haul that mess back to the garage and go to work on it, maybe even adding a few upgrades.

Thought #2 - The Dallas Cowboys are playing good football right now, defeating the Redskins last night 17-0. Only problem is they might be playing themselves out of getting rid of Wade Phillips. Now there is going some major consoling in order to say this marriage from a messy divorce, but it is possible especially if the Cowboys keep playing this good. The problem for Cowboys fan is that you basically have a single's cruise of great head coaches coming up this off season. As much as working out your current marriage with Wade may be the "right" thing to do, you know in you heart if would be way more fun to jump on that cruise completely unattached and ready to mingle. But you keep playing well Dallas and you'll be spending that cruise playing Scrabble and sipping Yoo-hoo.

Thought #3- The Chicago Bulls have apparently decided to fire current head coach Vinny Del Negro as soon as they find his replacement. This deal seems a little bit bizarre, not that Vinny is getting canned, but just the blantly honesty they appears to be coming with this decision. I mean you've basically had the guts to tell a guy, "hey, we don't want you anymore, but we really don't have any good leads right now, so could just hang out with the guys a few more weeks? You don't really have to do anything, just show up, wear a tie, and if you want to draw pictures on that white board every now and then, go ahead." Maybe I'm just a prideful guy, but I feel like I would have a really hard time keeping the seat warm for the next guy. Either that or I would spend the next few weeks packing up as many Chicago Bulls' office supplies into my bags as possible.

The Yankees get richer with Vazquez, Farve and Childress saga continues, & Vick wins award for "courage"

Fri, 25 Dec, 2009 05:43:05 GMT

Thought #1 - The rich always seem to get richer, don't they? Monday the Yankees traded Melky Cabrera to the Atlanta Braves for pitcher Javier Vazquez. This gives the Yankees a pitching rotation that includes C.C. Sabathia, Andy Pettitte, and A.J. Burnett and who will make 64 million dollars combined next season. You know who the Yankees are? They are the kid in your neighborhood that had SEGA channel. Remember that kid? He had ever single toy, game, or system out there and yet was always seeming to get something new. He had Snake Mountain, not Castle Grayskull, though he owned that as well, but I'm talking about Skeletor's lair. Nobody had that. Nobody ever gets the bad guy's hide out, well except that guy. That's the Yankees. They will spend more on pitching this season than four teams will reportedly spend on their entire lineups. Amazing. You know everyone hated that kid in your neighborhood for getting a Talk Boy the Christmas Home Alone 2 came out and I'm pretty sure that same sentiment is being felt by fans of other teams across the country this morning.

Thought #2 - Do you remember when you were in primary school and the teacher would assign each kid a job for the week? Some kid got to water the flowers, one had duty of passing out papers, and then of course their was the line leader. Do you remember the week you got to be the line leader? Do you remember how pissed you got if any one tried to take that job from you, when any kid thought he was going to jump up there during your week to be line leader? "Not this week buddy, this is my week!"

This is the situation Brad Childress finds himself in this morning after a flurry of controversy surrounding his relationship and lack of communication concerning game planning with quarterback Brett Favre. Granted in Wednesday's press conference both Brad and Brett Farve claimed everything was all good after meeting to talk about the situation on both Monday and Wednesday. Let's be honest with ourselves though, Brad is ticked because he is supposed to be the line leader and Brett has been stepping in front of him lately. Now it's understandable why Brad would be upset about this, but the problem is that the rest of the class isn't sure Brad knows his way to the library, the gym, or the cafeteria because he's never been there before. Lord knows you don't want to get lost on the way to the cafeteria. Your class gets there late and not only are they going to be out of steak and gravy, forcing you to choke down their version of pea soup i.e. gruel, there's also a good chance you're going to have to sit next to the pants wetter in your class. Try holding lunch down beside Pee Pee Johnson, impossible.

Brad it's time to back off and let Brett lead that line. He knows where the library is, he knows where the gym is, and he knows which stairwell to use to avoid the taunts of the evil 5th graders. He's been down this road before so he's probably got some good insight, might want to listen to him.

Thought #3- Michael Vick won the Block Courage Award thanks to the votes of his fellow teamates on the Philadelphia Eagles. Vick's response to the award was, "I've overcome a lot, probably more than one single individual can bear." Yeah, not exactly the humble response most expected. Now each team gets to choose a person and other winners of this award include guys who have down work in third world countries, overcome some horrible tragedies, or come back from some near career ending injury to return to the field. Not really sure how Vick and his return to the field after going to jail fits in here. Now I'm sure it's not easy to get back to a life where your shoes actually have laces and you can check out more than one library book at a time, but really Philly? This is your courage award winner? And Mike, what's with that response? Yeah you have endure more than most people but that's because most other people don't go to jail for dog fighting. Listen I love the fact that you are back and I know that it hasn't been easy, but at least acknowledge that you put these hurdles in front of yourself, you aren't the victim of some tragedy.

Thought #4 - It may be too early to speak of this much but a quick thought on where Lebron James could end up next season. Lebron has recently built a decent relationship with Kentucky guard John Wall, even claiming that Wall should be the number one draft pick in the 2010 draft. Now, let's drag this out a little bit. Let's say that Wall continues to own the college game the way he has so far this year. He will no doubt be one of the first players selected. Now who might end up with one of those early picks? Two teams jump to the front of your mind, New York and New Jersey, both of which are gaga over the idea of getting Lebron. Could the potential to play with John Wall sweeten the deal enough to draw in King James to the Big Apple or to Jay-Z's squad? Could be come down to the lottery balls.

Brett Favre reminds Childress who's driving the bus, Jimmie Johnson as "Athlete" of the year, & the Saints fallout.

Wed, 23 Dec, 2009 02:07:56 GMT

Thought #1- Remember that first time you tried to get away with cussing in front of your parents? You know you thought you were grown up enough that it would be cool and they would just let it go, so you went ahead and dropped a bomb in casual conversation. Do you remember what happened next? Depending on how public of a location you were in you most likely caught some combination of a soul piercing dirty look and/or a back hand across your face. Either way, the law was laid down and it was firmly established you ain't grown yet and that's not a decision you have the freedom to make. Humbled is the only word to describe it.

I bet Minnesota Viking's coach Brad Childress could tell you a good bit about being humbled after Brett Favre reminded him Sunday who the adult was on the team. During the third quarter, with a one point lead, Childress attempted to take Brett out of the game. Yeah, that didn't go over so well with the future Hall of Famer, who basically laughed and said "I don't think so Brad, now go on back over there and continue to look like the bald Ned Flanders."

Listen Brad, you can't bring in the gunslinger and then expect him to let you dictate when and where he shoots.You have to know when you give him the keys to the car, you're not getting them back. He may run that thing into the ground, burn up the engine, shred the tires, and run into every mail box in the neighbor hood, but he ain't getting out of that drivers seat. It's a high risk high reward situation, but either way this ride goes, you punched your ticket back in August. So just sit back, buckle up, and try not to think too hard as you watch Brett out there drawing plays up for the offense on the back of his hand.

Thought #2 - Jimmie Johnson was named AP Male Athlete of the Year Monday after winning his forth straight Cup championship. Johnson becomes the first driver to ever win this award and plenty of people are taking issue with this, claiming drivers are not athletes. Now let's be honest, when is the last time you heard someone complain that a basketball or baseball player wasn't an athlete? I mean seriously Jimmie, I know what you do is athletic, but that doesn't put you automatically into the athlete category. I mean technically mowing my yard is an athletic activity, it takes some skill and to be honest, I'm pretty dang good at it. (I usually go circles, makes it feel more like laps.) But I'm not expecting to be labeled an athlete because of this. Bowling, same thing, it takes some athletic skill, but doesn't make you an athlete.

Anywho, my second beef with this decision is that Johnson isn't on a level playing field with the other competitors in his sport. He's driving for the best team, with the best equipment, and the most money to support testing. This is like giving Albert Pujols a metal bat while the rest of the field is swinging wood. I mean how much better would Kobe Bryant or Lebron James be if they were the only guys who could afford to work out with legit exercise equipment while the rest of the league was forced to work out with that old Nautilus equipment from the 70's, which still fills every hotel workout room in the country. More than any other sport today Nascar success is dependent on money, which makes it hard to acknowledge Johnson as "Athlete of the Year."

Thought #3- The Russian's cut! The New Orleans Saints lost Saturday night for the first time this season. Now the Saints have flirted with losing all year and just like flirting with an ugly girl, you can only do it so many times before she starts telling your friends and you start losing respect. The Saints lost some respect Saturday night and now no doubt look very beatable by the rest of the NFC. Props to the Cowboys for the exposing their weakness; Drew Brees struggles to throw the football when he is laying on his back. Maybe this loss helps the Saints regroup and takes a little of the pressure off, or maybe it robbed them of their "chosen one" status and will provide the other teams in the league with the confidence to attack them.

Thought #4 - Thinking back on the decade there have been a lot of great memories but here is one I think is worth mentioning.

Remember when 2K Sports and ESPN brought out NFL 2k5 for $19.99? Absolutely awesome. Now for some of you this might not have been a big deal, but for a kid in college this made the decision to forgo buying that suggested commentary on the Paul's letter to the Corinthians and instead drop it on a XBOX game with TO on the cover pretty easy.

What are you best/worst thoughts from the sports world this decade?

Knight calls out Calipari, USC's leading rusher in trouble, & NFL injury list thoughts.

Sun, 20 Dec, 2009 12:24:56 GMT

Thought #1 - Bob Knight is well known for a lot of thing. Throwing random items, getting a little rough with his players, and, best of all, giving us great sound bytes. Knight dropped another of these sweet clips when he called out Kentucky coach John Calipari at a fundraiser on Thursday night. Knight was critical of the NCAA's integrity and in doing so used Calipari as an example of the association not properly handling problems. Caliparis two former schools, Memphis and UMass, were both sanctioned by the NCAA for violations while he was on staff. Meanwhile John has moved on to a premier spot in the world of college hoops, head coach of the Wildcats, never facing any repercussions from those program's fall outs.

The thing is you know comments like Knight's don't just come out of the blue, you know he didn't just think that up on the spot. Knight just gave us all a little peak into the conversations going on on the inside of the coaching circles. And yeah, he broke the code, the teacher should never tell the students what is said in the teacher's lounge, but the thing is, he is right. Calipari is a shady dude. I mean seriously, the dude looks like he could easily be standing outside of a car dealership, next to one of those crazy wavy arm things, just waiting to sell some poor sap a clunker. He's kind of like one of those companies that sells gimmicky products through infomercials with "lifetime" guarantees. Then the moment you're upside down tomato grower breaks and you call to cash in on it, you learn the company has gone under. Meanwhile the owner is off pimping his new device that chops nuts, vegetables, and leather under a new company name. Wildcat fan, enjoy the next couple of years because in a few odds are you'll go to make that phone call and learn there is no coin left to fix your broken ab shocker belt because John dumped it all on keeping John Wall stocked up on plasma screens and sweet rides this year.

Thought #2 - Stop me if you've heard this one before, a USC running back is under investigation for NCAA rules violations. Joe McKnight, USC leading rusher this season, is being investigated for driving a SUV owned by a local business man. The real question here is how many times can USC get away with this stuff? Didn't they just get in hot water for similar incidents with Reggie Bush? How many times does this have to happen before we can consider it to be a pretty nice perk of being a part of the USC program? Listen if you're the guy who every time he drinks his buddies find him laying wearing only whitey tighties and beach towel tied around your neck like a cape, you're probably going to get the label of being a drunk. If you're the chick who constantly finds herself waking up at a different dude's house, you're probably going to get labeled a hussy. And if you're football program is always under suspision for providing it's players with "extras," there's a darn good chance you should get labeled a shady program. The fact is that for years Pete Carrol and USC has been the Britney Spears of college football, only this year they aren't hot hit me baby one more time Britney, they are crazy shaven head and fat Britney. Bottom line is you know if they are in a decent bowl rather than the EagleBank Bowl, this story gets squashed. Or at the very least doesn't pop up until February.

Thought #3- Does any one else think it looks incredibly weak when a player is listed on the NFL injury list and beside his name the word "toe" is placed? I mean sure, neck, knee, ribs, those all sound legit, they sound like football player injuries. But toe? That sounds like the excuse your crazy aunt gives you for not being able to help with the dishes after Thanksgiving. I find it hard to believe that Johnny U or Mike Ditka would ever let them write the word toe beside their names. Then again, maybe I'm just jealous that I have to go to work when my toes hurt.

Thought #4 - I hate the NFL network and the fact that I don't have it and can't watch the Saints try to make history tonight. They shouldn't be able to do this, this isn't Russia. I'm not sitting here in a parka, slamming potatoes and vodka. This is America, we aren't supposed to have monopolies. It just doesn't seem right.

The Back Porch Bowl Season Survival Guide

Sat, 19 Dec, 2009 05:05:12 GMT

Bowl season is upon us and for college football fans this is by far the most wonderful season of the year. From December 19 to January 7 there are 34 bowls, featuring some of the best players and teams from all over the country.

With so many great games to watch and the time crunch of the holiday season, navigating a viewing schedule can be a little tricky. You know the absolute last thing you want is to get a text from a buddy about a great game taking place, a last second drive or a record about the be broken, and be stuck working the honey do list at the mall.

Let’s face it though, from December to January you’ll be pulled in more directions than that fancy door way Iron Gym you got last year and used twice. What you need is a guide, road map if you will, to ensure you make all the right stops and yet still get to all the proper destinations on time and with the family smiling.

Because there are so many social engagements and so little time, here you have it. A break down of which games not to miss at all, which games you’ll need to keep a check on, and which games are just worth catching the highlights later.

*As a bonus included also is a decent excuse for watching even the worst game, just in case you need a reason to get out of watching that Christmas play at church for the third time.

The SportsCenter Bowls:

This list is when you can really earn some points with the family, sure the games might be fun to watch, but they really aren’t worth cashing any of your tokens for free time that you will need for better games. So take the kids out to see lights, visit the in-laws, or return that Bill Cosby sweater your Grandma got you during these times. The highlights will await you when you return.

Insight: Minnesota vs. Iowa St. – Dec. 31 @ 6 p.m.
The Cyclones vs. the Gophers, the nicknames alone just sounds like a disaster. Iowa St. is making their first bowl appearance since the 2005 season, so if you need to, you might can play the sympathy card here get away with it.

New Orleans: Middle Tenn. vs. Southern Miss – Dec. 20 @ 8:30 p.m.
Southern Miss back Damion Fletcher has 5,224 and 44 trips to the end zone in his career. Watching the active leader in the nation is always a good reason to tune in.

New Mexico: Fresno vs. Wyoming – Dec. 19 @ 4:30 p.m.
Fresno’s Ryan Matthews leads the nation averaging just over 151 yards per game on the ground, while the Cowboys give up over 170 on average. Could me a mix for an impressive highlight reel.

Little Caesars: Ohio vs. Marshall – Dec. 26 @ 1p.m.
Marshall is working with a patchwork coaching staff lead by interim head coach Rick Minter. The Bobcats are going for their first ever bowl win. Couple of decent story lines their you can play up if need be.

Humanitarian: Idaho vs. Bowling Green – Dec. 30 @ 4:30 p.m.
The game is played in Boise, Idaho. That means blue turf. It maybe possible to get away with watching this bowl by convincing your family it’s a science experiment gone wrong.

St. Petersburg: Rutgers vs. UCF – Dec. 19 @ 8 p.m.
It’s a battle of knights, what could be better than that? Have you ever been to Midieval Times? It’s awesome! Here’s to hoping the falconer shows up.

EagleBank: Temple vs. UCLA – Dec. 29 @ 4:30 p.m.
Temple has not been in a bowl in 30 years. Like Haley’s comet, this could be a once in a lifetime event.

Hawaii: Nevada vs. SMU – Dec. 24 @ 8 p.m.
Nevada has 3 guys that have rushed for over 1,000 yards each this year, plus it’s Hawaii, so you know you’ll get plenty of scenic beach shots.

Liberty: East Carolina vs. Arkansas – Jan. 2 @ 5:30 p.m.
The SEC’s leading passer this season was Arkansas’ Ryan Mallet with 3,422 yards and 29 touchdowns through the air. Plus it’s East Carolina Pirates and pirates are also worth watching.

Alamo: Texas Tech vs. Michigan St. – Jan. 2 @ 9 p.m.
8 Michigan St. players are suspended and their defense ranks 96th in passing efficiency, meanwhile Texas Tech is possibly the most pass happy team ever. Sounds like a recipe for plenty of highlights for the Red Raiders.

Music City: Clemson vs. Kentucky – Dec. 27 @ 8:30 pm.
Clemson’s C.J. Spiller should be motivated to prove some people wrong after getting shut out from a trip to New York for the Heisman, meanwhile Kentucky is shooting for their forth straight bowl win. Plus, everyone loves a good SEC vs. ACC match up.

Outback: Northwestern vs. Auburn – Jan. 1 @ 11 a.m.
Northwestern has won 4 out of their last 5 and Auburn has lost 5 out of its last 7. Let’s face it though, you stayed out to late last night and probably don’t feel like moving from the couch before noon anyway.

International: USF vs. N. Illinois – Jan. 2 @ Noon
USF head coach Jim Leavitt has been under fire lately, so maybe that will provide the Huskies with the window that need to pull off the upset.

Texas: Missouri vs. Navy - Dec 31 @ 3:30 p.m.
The game should be a good chance for Missouri’s Danrio Alexander to show off a little for the NFL scouts, plus Navy’s triple option is fun to watch. If all else fails play the, “I’m being patriotic,” card.

Independence: Georgia vs. Texas A&M - Dec. 29
A&M’s Jerrod Johnson has thrown for 3,217 and 28 TDs this year, so when he faces off against Joe Cox, Georgia, and a make shift coaching staff, it could be a shoot out.

Poinsettia: Utah vs. Cal – Dec 23 @ 8 p.m.
Utah is attempting to win 8 bowls in a row, plus its possible Cal’s Javid Best will be healthy.

Meineke: Pittsburgh vs. UNC - Dec 26 @ 4:30
Of the two former Jimmy Johnson assistants, Pitt’s Dave Wannstedt definitely inherited the better hair. Both seem to have inherited NFL style offensives and both have plenty to play for after seasons filled with disappointments.

Keep the clicker close group:

This group of games is worth staying within an earshot of the TV and taking a little more than the occasional glance at. These are good times to put up lights, wrap those last second presents, and put together that 105-piece Transformers Fortress that looks nothing like the instructions. Also a good time to squeeze in a family viewing of Christmas Vacation, so long as you keep the remote handy.

Armed Forces: Houston vs. Air Force - Dec 31 @ Noon
Houston’s Case Keenum is the best passer in the nation and you probably have never seen him play, plus Air Force is tops when it comes to passing defense, so make a joke about Air Force defending Houston’s air attack and you’ll be fine.

PapaJohns.com: South Carolina vs. UConn. – Jan. 2 @ 2p.m.
It’s hard not to root for the Huskies who salvaged season after the tragic death of Jasper Howard by defeating Notre Dame .

GMAC: Central Michigan vs. Troy – Jan 6. @ 7 p.m.
Central Michigan’s Dan LeFevour maybe the other best quarterback you haven’t seen this year. He’s worth a quarter or two of your time.

Holiday: Nebraska vs. Arizona - Dec. 30 @ 8p.m.
Ndamukeng Suh is arguably the best player in college football this season; with the ability to single handly change the way the offenses play.

Emerald Bowl: USC vs. Boston College – Dec. 26 @ 8p.m.
USC haters will unite and be pulling for the Eagles to knock Pete Carroll down another notch.

Las Vegas: BYU vs. Oregon St. – Dec 22 @ 8 p.m.
Sit down and wrap those last second presents during this one, it should be a high scoring affair as BYU enters their 5th straight Vegas Bowl. A bit ironic?

Cotton: Oklahoma St. vs. Ole Miss – Jan 1 @2 p.m.
In August people would have lined up to watch this game, now it is more of an after thought. Still Ole Miss quarterback Jevan Snead could be in redemption mode after a disappointing season.

Take a seat for a while:

These are the games you start to cash in your tokens on. You’ve worked hard, the house is lit up (half blinking, half not, for some unexplained reason,) and you already ran out and got that last second box of cookies you’d forgotten to get for Santa. Time to reward yourself.

Sun: Oklahoma vs. Stanford. – Dec 31 @ 2 p.m.
Heisman runner up Toby Gerhart will face off against the Sooners’ #7 ranked rushing defense. Could also add fuel to the argument that the Pac-10 was very underrated this season.

Champs Sports: Miami vs. Wisconsin – Dec 31 @ 8 p.m.
Depending on which versions of these two teams show up, this game could deliver plenty of offense. Miami’s Jacory Harris and Wisconsin’s John Clay have both had flashes of brilliance this season.

Capital One: Penn St. vs. LSU - Jan. 1 @ 1 p.m.
This game is worth watching just to see Joe Paterno take on Les Miles. Both teams will no doubt come in a little bent about not making BCS games, LSU losing 4th quarter games to both Florida and LSU this season, and Penn St. having their hopes stolen by Ohio St. Should be one of the better non-BCS match ups.

Orange: Georgia Tech vs. Iowa: - Jan 5 @ 8 p.m.
Sure this is a BCS game, but it sure does has the feel of a pre-New Years’ Eve bowl. If you’re going to miss one part, or most, of one of the BCS bowls so you can save up your tokens for the other match ups, do it here. Otherwise, Ga. Techs spread option should be fun to watch against the Hawkeye’s defense.

Games you will get made fun of at work if you miss.

It’s hard enough to go back to work after the holidays, the last thing you need is to be out of the loop when it comes to the hot topics because you made a poor viewing decision.

Chick-fil-a: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee – Dec 31 @ 7:30 p.m.
This is the rivalry of the Blue Ridge Mountains that rarely makes it to the field, the two schools being less than 250 miles apart and yet only playing for the eighth time. It should be a battle on the ground as Ryan Williams will lead the Hokies against Motario Hardesty and the Volunteers. Seeing which of the Bud Foster and Monte Kiffin defenses adjusts better.

Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Florida St. – Jan. 1 @ 1 p.m.
Boddy Bowden’s at the helm of the program he built for the final time facing the school he coached at from 1970- 1975. The Mountaineers Noel Divine will look to ruin Bowden’s ride off into the sunset.

Rose: Oregon vs. Ohio St. - Jan. 1 @ 4:30 p.m.
It’s a clash of styles in this game. The Buckeyes physical grind it out style, verses the high octane, yet undersized, Ducks. Terrelle Pryor and Jeremiah Masoli will have the chance to truly showcase their skills in this one.

Feista: TCU vs. Boise St. - Jan 4 @ 8 p.m.
For the first time two undefeated teams will face off in a BCS game other than the championship contest. For a while it was questionable whether or not both of these teams could make a BCS appearance during the same season. Now the only question is how will their fair again each other in what some have considered the J.V. National Title game. It will be interesting to see Boise quarterback Kellen Moore fairs against the strong Horned Frogs defense.

Sugar: Florida vs. Cincinnati - Jan 1 @ 8:30 p.m.
Unless you’ve been stuck in a cave for the past 2 weeks you know that Brian Kelly jumped ship, leaving his BCS bound Bearcats for the head post of the Fighting Irish. While how exactly they will respond is unknown, surely that small dog chip they have carried on their shoulder all season just got a little bigger. This is a huge chance for Cincy to earn some respect for themselves, along with the Big East conference as a whole, playing one of the top two teams from what is largely considered the top conference in the country in Florida. As if that were not enough of a reason to watch, add the fact Tim Tebow, called the best college football player ever by many, will be playing in his final collegiate game. Urban Myer would no doubt love to send Timmy riding off into the sunset in style and may have a grand opportunity to do so facing a Bearcats defense that has given up a combined 146 points over the past four contests.

The BCS National Championship: Alabama vs. Texas - Jan. 7 @ 8:30 p.m.
Two undefeated teams, two conference champions, and two legendary head coaches. What more could you ask for in a national title game? Oh, would you like to mix in a Heisman winning running back and a Maxwell award winning quarterback? Ok, enter Mark Ingram and Colt McCoy. This game seems to have it all and it will be interesting to see if Texas’ proficient offense can make progress against an Alabama defense that is tops in the nation. The Longhorns did give up 9 sacks against Nebraska in the Big 12 championship, so handling a Bama pass rush that includes All Americans Rolando McClain and Javier Arenas could be trouble. For the Crimson Tide, while Mark Ingram is the bread and butter of offense, it will be the play quarterback Greg McElroy that could supply offense diversity which will make them hard for Texas to defend. With Nick Saban and Mack Brown having over a month to prepare for each other, this could very well be an instant classic.

There it is your guide to getting in all your holiday social engagements and not missing any action. Plus a decent reason for watching every single bowl game just in case you need to avoid those awkward moments at your significant others’ company Holiday party.

Granted if your favorite team is playing in a bowl game that supersedes anything stated above and should take top precedence of any social event period.

Happy Holidays and Happy Viewing!

Complete Schedule and TV listings

Missouri Lady Tigers vs. The male cheerleading squad & The Back Porch Podcast!

Fri, 18 Dec, 2009 04:08:41 GMT

#1 - Two members of the Missouri women's basketball team will be able to resume practicing soon, after being suspended for an alleged misdemeanor assault on Dec. 11. Not a great thing to be involved in, but kids get in fights, pretty normal right? What takes this story from normal to a bad TBS teen movie is the fact that the two senior Tigers, Amanda Hanneman and Jessra Johnson, were brawling with male Tiger cheerleader Justin Short. Nice. Only thing is, to make this a legit movie in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart, you should have been fighting a rival teams male cheerleader. Didn't Kansas have some dude you could beat up on or maybe you go battle royal against whoever is in that Longhorn mascot suit. Put that together with a couple cheesy pop songs and a Miley Cyrus cameo and you've got that 10am slot on Saturday locked up.

Jim Leavitt's halftime motivation, Randy Moss' snow day fall out, & Brian Kelly's house egged

Tue, 15 Dec, 2009 02:19:48 GMT

Thought #1 - College kids sometimes need attitude adjustments. Sometimes they need someone to give them a stiff reality check, you know shake them up a big. University of South Florida Head Coach Jim Leavitt know this and he knows just how to get to his players, sock them right in the face. Reports out of Tampa are that Leavitt went Mike Tyson on sophomore Joel Miller at halftime of the Bulls game against Louisville on Nov. 28. Nice coach. Nothing says wake up like a couple jabs to the jaw while you're trying to rehydrate for the second half. Nothing will get a kid to quit holding, or not jump off sides like catching an upper cut while trying to get his ankles taped up. Oddly enough Leavitt did coach along side Mark Mangino, who was fired from Kansas after reports of physically and verbally abusing his players, at Kansas State in the early 90s. Was that part of the coach training those days at K-State? Did you have to learn a few defensive formations, a couple good counters, and how to perform a choke hold on a 19 year old? Listen Jim, maybe you and Mangino can channel some of that negative energy and take a karate class at the Y or something. Got a feeling you're both going to have some free time this fall anyway.

Thought #2 - So if you play in the Buffalo Bills secondary, you're probably pretty ticked off at Chris Gamble right now for calling out Randy Moss. Gamble basically said that the Panthers knew Moss was going to give up if they got to him early. Nothing like call out a guy's work ethic after his team beat you. Pretty easy to drop that little nugget when you know you won't be facing that dude anymore. Now granted we all know how Randy is. We all know that historically Randy is more of a summer fling than the type of girl you want to marry. Sure he's fun for a while, provides you with some good memories, but in the end you know that melt down is coming and it's going to best to cut all ties.We know this, it's who Randy is. And sure he probably was a little bent about being forced to take a snow day and watch crappy day time TV this week. On the other side we also know that Randy is a prideful dude and will now be on a mission to prove himself. So you're welcome Bills secondary.

Thought #3 - Maybe Brian Kelly made a good call in leaving Cincinnati. Apparently the former Bearcats' head coach had his home egged last night and got a nice little sign posted in his front yard. Good call on that Cincy fan. Nothing will make a guy realize how good he had it there like chucking a few grade As at his house. Seriously, this makes you look like that girl that gets dumped for another girl and suddenly flips out, turning in to some form of the devil, trashing the guy's car, and leaving threating messages on the new girl's voice mail. Don't misunderstand me, Kelly did you wrong Bearcat fan, but that's not excuse to go All the Right Moves on his crib.

Thought #4 - With Mike Vick back scoring touchdowns, it got me to thinking about how awesome he was that first year he was in Madden. You could beat anyone just by going shotgun and bootlegging it around the end. Amazing, but is he the best video game athlete ever? Is he better than Tecmo Super Bowl's Bo Jackson? Was he more dominate than Bill Elliott in Bill Elliott's NASCAR challenge? (Dude was almost impossible to catch.)
Drop you thoughts.....

James Harrison's Mom is a brawler, Turner Gill's new job, NFL preview, & Tracy McGrady an All Star?

Sun, 13 Dec, 2009 05:42:49 GMT

Thought #1- Pittsburgh Steeler James Harrison is the type of guy you don't cross. He's big, he's mean, and if he can throw around a 300 lb offensive lineman, he can darn sure whip your tail. James is defiantly the last dude you want to run into in a dark alley, unless the other option is his mother.

James' mom, Mildred Harrison was charged with assault during a brawl following the game watching party Thursday night at the local VFW in Akron, Ohio. Police reports say that people were pushed, punched, and had beer bottles thrown at them. Awesome! Nothing like an old fashioned brawl at the VFW. Nothing like a 62 year old woman chucking beer bottles at folks to brighten up an other wise bad night for Steelers fans. I'm not really sure why the VFW suddenly turned into Bob's Country Bunker from the Blues Brothers, but I do know I will now never go in to one of those places. Seriously one of my deepest fears in life is is to get in a fight with a 62 year old woman and catch a Bud Ice bottle across the chin. I would much rather get my tail kicked by James, than get cut up by Mildred.

Thought #2 - There are plenty of things you expect to see at any NBA All Star game including plenty of dunks, no defense, and some combonation of Shaq dancing and attempting threes. You also probably expect to see a few guys start the game that really don't deserve to start but get to because of the fan voting policy. What you don't expect to see is a guy who has not played at all this season, and isn't that good anyway, start the game. This season Tracy McGrady may very well start the All Star game thanks to fan voting, even though he has not played a single minute of the season.

Listen it's cool to let the fans vote, its cool to open it up to everyone, but you have to realize there are a lot of stupid people in this world that have internet access and a lot of free time. I mean this is exactly why you don't let your kids pick what restaurant you go to on a Friday night. You want to go out to a nice meal at decent restaurant, the last place you want to end up is at Chucky Cheese trying to choke down a slice of plastic flavored cheese pizza while being taunted by that creepy dancing rat. The last thing you want to see at the NBA All Star game is the K-Mart version of Kobe Bryant start the game with zero minutes under his belt for the season. Come on Mr. Stern, I don't care how many 12 year olds logged on and voted for T-Mac just because he's money on their NBA Live 06, there is no way he should even be on the team. Just do what all good teachers do, take a vote, pretend to tally it up, and then pick the best All Stars, telling us all it was our voting that decided it. No one will be the wiser, and the game won't be awful.

Thought #3- Kansas wised up and it looks like they found themselves a coach. Reports have come out that University of Buffalo coach Turner Gill will be the next head coach of the Jayhawk football program. Good call Kansas. Not only is this a step up for Gill, it's also a lot less gray in Kansas than in Buffalo. You can't tell me that moving to a town where he won't have to worry about the weekly traffic jam on league bowling night didn't weigh in on the decision. Better area, better job, and Gill is the type of guy who can help ease some of the bitterness left by Mangino.

Thought #4- NFL Preview:

1. If you need to be told the Cowboys are awful in December, you are probably the same guy who needs Wal-Mart to continue to put up those posters reminding us all that X-mas is on the 25th. (Seriously, if you need that, you might want to pick a new holiday to celebrate.) What you may not know is that the Chargers have not lost in the month since 2005. If this trend continues and the Giants beat the Eagles, you're looking at a sweet three way tie in the NFC East.

2. Tom Brady is banged up, finger, shoulder, ribs, you name it. Good news is though the Patriots are playing the Panthers who routinely have found ways to tank games this year. New England really needs this one if they are going to right that ship and win the division. Randy Moss should be well rested since he got to take a snow day this week, so I expect him to light up the Panthers D.

3. Which Denver will show up this week? Will it be September Denver or October Denver? Better question, does it even matter since they are playing the Colts? I'm pretty sure Peyton Manning has some type of Jedi mind trick going on with his opponents. Dude stands over the line, reading the minds of every defensive player, and then waves his hand and says, "you will let me march down the field on you in 3 minutes and score." September Denver will hang in there with the Colts today, but if October Denver shows up they will get housed.

Notre Dame gets Kelly, Suh should win the Heisman, & Stanford keeps Harbaugh

Sat, 12 Dec, 2009 06:50:25 GMT

Thought #1 - Notre Dame got their guy and after hearing Brian Kelly induction press conference speech I can honestly say I'm already sick of this guy. Maybe it was all the coach speak he delivered about the great traditions of Notre Dame football and how he was fully dedicated to restoring them to greatness. Hey Irish, you might want to check that dedication tag at the door and ask for a couple good references. Might want to give a call to a couple of fellows in Ohio and ask them how deep Coach's dedication runs. Pretty sure they will tell you it runs about as deep as your pockets can go and then levels out. Let's face it, Kelly did the Bearcats wrong in leaving them coachless for the biggest bowl in that's schools history. Kelly fully played the role of the jerk who bails out on his prom date the night of the dance. Now Cincy is left sitting on the steps in their prom dress waiting for their brother to find a tie so they don't have to show up alone. Coaches should never do this, they should never leave kids before a huge bowl game. That's like taking a kid to the mall, walking him in, and then just disappearing leaving him to find his own way home. It's just wrong. So Notre Dame, you got your man, and he is fully "dedicated" to success, for now, kinda, as long as it's not to hard and you keep paying well and no one else prettier comes along.

Thought #2 - Ndamukong Suh should win the Heisman. Think about it, it is an individual award and what player of all the finalists has done more on an individual level than Suh? If you are a running back or quarterback at least part of your success comes from your line, your coaches, and your overall scheme. That's not to say the guys up there this year aren't top level talent and it's not to say that talent doesn't play a huge factor as well in their successes. It is to say though that other factors play into those successes, it's only natural. Suh dominates his opponents and changes the entire way the opposing team plays and he does this on his own for the most part. It's all him, one-on-one, and on every play he is a factor, whether he makes a play or not. He is the best player this year in college, but because he's not the prettiest, he wont win the Heisman. Because he doesn't touch the ball he will most likely be robbed of the trophy. Let's be honest, it's an offensive award. I mean the trophy is of a guy running the football, not a guy with his hand in the dirt.

On a brighter note, I'm sure the lose of the award will be much easier for Suh to swallow once he can wash it down with the boat load of 1st draft pick money he is due this spring.

Thought #3- Jim Harbaugh will remain at Stanford. It was rumored earlier this week that Kansas had made a strong push for him, but that now appears to be dead with Harbaugh signing a 3 year extension. Come on Kansas, did you really think this guy would leave Stanford for you? I mean you aren't a Texas or Flordia, or even a Michigan. You are a basketball school and you are in Kansas. Granted Stanford is not exactly a football power house, but it is at least on the same level as Kansas, plus it's in California. Not sure if you've checked lately but not a ton of people migrating from Cali to the middle of the country these days. Not a whole lot of people trading in that west coast lifestyle to go live in tornado alley. Listen you don't dump the pretty girl who owns a hot tub even for an equally pretty girl without a hot tub. Bottom line, Jim Harbaugh wasn't going to trade a work in progress going well and in a good area, to start another work in progress in a worse area.

Check out this week's Back Porch podcast!

College Football Awards, sponsorship dollars, the Browns roll the Steelers, & The Back Porch Podcast!

Fri, 11 Dec, 2009 02:23:44 GMT

Thought #1 - As I watch the college football awards show, I wonder, is there any way we can get some awards that don't carry sponsors? I mean the every year the bowls and individual awards are giving out way too often by some suit from a cooperate office. I just watched some random dude from Home Deport spend 5 minutes comparing coaching to their work with lumber and home improvement, what is that? Come on NCAA, either get rid of it or go all out. Go NASCAR on those trophies. Drop a decal on that beast and maybe some flames. Have the winner instantly put on a hat from your company, take a big gulp of 5 hour energy, a bite from a McRibb, and then thank you for the GM, AllState, Hot Pocket, Cheerios, and Windex Coach of the Year award. At least NASCAR doesn't try to hide it.

Thought #2- Is it possible the Browns are witches? I mean how else can you explain the Steelers playing down to their level last night? How else can you explain a team with the worst offense and worst defense in the league knocking off the reigning Super Bowl champs? Has to be witches, no other explanation.

Following the game I noticed Brady Quinn, who completed an amazing 6 of 19 passes last night for a total of 90 yards, running across the field holding his finger in the air in the #1 motion. Really Brady? Didn't you mean to hold up two fingers? One for each victory your team has this season? Or maybe that one was to signify the single rushing touchdown your team has gotten from a running back this season, which you accomplished last night when Chris Jennings scampered into the end zone. Maybe that was it, or maybe you were simply signaling to someone in the stands as to how many $5 footlongs you wanted for your post game snack, I'm not sure, but I'm really hoping it wasn't a "We're #1" chant. Granted it was a big win, but let's at least get to 4 maybe 5 wins before we start crowning ourselves as champs.

Check out the Back Porch Podcast!

The University of Tennessee's recruiting techniques, Notre Dame's new interest, & Randy Moss gets to head home early

Thu, 10 Dec, 2009 04:54:22 GMT

Thought #1 - Picking a college is tough. Do you pick the school with the best programs, best atmosphere, or the one that will provide you with valuable alumni connections? The answer: None of the above. You go to the school with the prettiest girls. Listen, A degree is a degree, but a degree earned while sitting next to a smoking hot girl in every class is far sweeter in hindsight.

The University of Tennessee gets this. The Vols are reportedly under investigation for using "hostesses" inappropriately to recruit high school football layers. Apparently girls from the group "Orange Pride" showed up at some recruits' games, hung out with the guys, and encouraged them to come to UT. Makes sense and it sure beats the heck out 35 year old dude the college I attended sent to talk to me. I mean seriously, I know dude offered to take me to Pizza Hut, but that didn't make it less creepy. I'm guessing the past couple years they weren't sending the creme of the "Orange Pride" to visit with these fellows since they produced a mere 7-5 season this year. Apparently the UT friends with benefits program is working better as of late, they will bring in the 5th highest ranked recruiting class this season. It's most likely UT has just upped it's Orange Pride standards but it is also possible they are delivering a much clearer message these days. Apparently the ladies showed up with posters that read "come to Tenn." Not exactly subtle ladies, but let's face it, men don't go to Hooters for the stellar service just like the fellas are going to UT based on your recruitment/poster making ability.

Thought #2 - Randy Edsall has emerged as the latest hot name in the new popular reality show, "Who wants to date a struggling College Football Program." Edsall and Notre Dame reportedly have a mutual interest in each other.

The other day I compared Brian Kelly's thoughts of leaving Cincinnati to go coach the Irish to the equivalent of the guy who leaves the super cool attract girl to date the super hot but yet high maintenance girl. Keeping with that formula, Edsall is currently dating the plain girl from art class, who is secretly pretty. Remember this girl? She was always kind of over looked, you never thought she was ugly, she just never left and impression on you. She was always really nice to you too and you probably copied her homework at least twice. Now do you remember that day, about 3 years removed from high school, when you saw her at the mall? Turned smoking hot in college didn't she, leaving you to worry if you still have a chance with her, now that you've packed on your freshman 15 and sophomore 25. Yeah that's UConn. She never expected anything and you could have had her at any time. Just be careful Randy, once you leave her and she starts going to the gym and wearing make up, winning her back could tough.

Thought #3- How come whenever I show up to work late, I don't ever get to just go home? I just get yelled at and told about all the things I need to do to make up for the missed time. I would love to just turn around and head home.

It's to bad that I don't work for the New England Patriots. Yesterday the Pats send home 4 players, including Randy Moss because they failed to show up to a team meeting on time. So, let me get this straight, they showed up late, and got to go home early? Hmm. This is kind of like when a kid acts up really bad in school and gets out of school suspension. What a great punishment. Wait, so you're telling me I beat the crap out of another student and to punish me you are letting me sleep in and then watch the Price is Right as I throw down massive amounts of Coco Pebbles? Sweet! And better yet, my parents aren't home so I can search any site on the internet I want! WooHoo! And that's how Randy's Wednesday went.

Chad Ochocinco's $30,000 outfit, Steeler woes, & Notre Dame's prom date

Wed, 9 Dec, 2009 01:22:23 GMT

Thought #1 - Have you ever had a friend that was just really bad with money? You know that guy who drops mad coin on every new hot gadget the day it comes out, swearing it is going to change how we live. Yeah, hows that SEGA CD working out buddy? This is the same guy who drops 20 bucks on one of those Martin Laurence family movies the day it comes out instead of waiting a week for it to drop to the $5 rack, or better yet waiting 2 months till it's on TBS for 3 straight days and he can see how bad it sucks for free. We all know this guy.

Over the weekend Chad Ochocinco became this friend, sporting what turned out to be a $30,000 outfit for a brief moment after scoring in the second quarter of the Bengals 23-13 victory over the Lions. The league sent a letter to Chad stating they were fining him for his, "decorative poncho and sombrero." I'm guessing had it been just a regular sombrero and maybe an old poncho, possibly one of those emergency rain ones that tears the moment you sit down, the fine might have only been 10 grand or so. Of course also this weekend it Chad was sued by a Chrysler financial company for failing to make payments on his 08 Challenger. Chad, enough with the props man. We get it, you are smart and funny, but the life expectancy of a prop comic rivals that of a twinkie at a Jenny Craig convention. Just ask Carrot Top. Just score touchdowns, talk a little smack, and pay your car bills and we won't have to worry about you ending up doing awful collect phone call commercials in the twilight of your career.

Thought #2 - When Pittsburgh Steelers' coach Mike Tomlin said they were going to unleash hell in December, was talking about on his fans or opponents? After dropping a game to Oakland on Sunday, thanks to letting them score late in the game, today reports have come out saying that Troy Polamalu might not return this season. This team doesn't even feel like a playoff squad right now, it fact they are semi resembling the Redskins in their creative ability to find ways to tank games.

Thought #3 - So it looks like the Irish might have found a guy to take them to the prom after all. Apparently things are "heating up" with Cincinnati's Brian Kelly. While Kelly has had to stellar seasons the past two years with the Bearcats, he really better know what he's getting into if he decides to date this chick. Cincinnati was that really cool girl, you know the one who was down with watching football all day Sunday so long as you shared a blanket, could hold her own in a legit conversation with your friends, and was ok with going out to eat buffalo wings as your "date night." Notre Dame is not going to be that girl Brian. Notre Dame is going to call you at 2am crying about some infomercial she saw about starving kids in Mexico. Notre Dame is going to check your phone for texts from other schools, make you go to the mall all day on Saturday instead of watching games, and "try" to talk to your friends about sports. Yeah she may look dang hot in a sun dress, but it comes with a hefty rice tag buddy, trust me.

Firefighters at Tiger Wood's? Crazyness continues.

Tue, 8 Dec, 2009 07:11:44 GMT

Quick thought - Is Tiger Woods the new Michael Jackson? I mean is he going to fill that huge lack of unbelievable nutball stories that was left when the King of Pop died?

Early this morning reports from Orlando have come out saying fire fighters responded to a call at Wood's house. A woman was reportedly transported to the hospital in critical condition. Her identity was not confirmed though.

Crazyness. Next you're going to tell me Tiger is building an amusement park on his property.

By the way, how pissed was the fire department when they pulled up and realized someone had ran over the fire hydrant? Oh sweet irony.

The BCS JV game, Charlie Weis sells out Pete, & Decembers are always the same

Tue, 8 Dec, 2009 01:11:42 GMT

Thought #1 - I know the main goal of the BCS is to provide us with the best possible national title game, but would it be to much to ask to make the other 4 games worth watching? Granted Alabama-Texas is worth looking forward to, but do you really think you will make any special effort to watch Iowa and Ga Tech? Cincinnati-Florida could be interesting, along with Oregon and OSU, but the match we all wanted was to see Boise St. or TCU take on one of the teams from the "real" conferences. All season you've heard people argue back and forth over whether or not these teams are legit, and when the opportunity comes up to find out, the bowl system screws it up by making this the JV game. I'm almost surprised the BCS didn't just invite Boise and TCU to play a couple hours before the title game and then help out with the spirit line after by holding up the banners for Texas and Bama to run through. Seriously, I could easily see the BCS hooking them up with a free pizza and soda, letting them ditch their shoulder pads on the sideline, and stay for the varsity game in their game pants and under armor. Sure they'll have to share that bus with the band on the way home, but maybe if they are lucky they'll mix in one of those giant pixie sticks for them at halftime. Bottom line, this is just going to cause more controversy than ever, although controversy does sell tickets.

Thought #2 - Charlie Weis lost his job, but it is also very possible that dude has lost his mind. Over the weekend Weis made comments which more than insinuated that USC coach Pete Carrol, who is married, was shacking up with a grad student out in LA. Weis later backed off his comments, saying they weren't meant to be offensive and if he had offended Pete Carrol, he would run up and apologize. Couple of thoughts on this. First, I've seen you Chuck and I don't believe that you are running anywhere outside of the local Ihop for all you can eat flap jacks any time soon. Second, how on earth do you justify throwing around rumors of adultery? How does that not offend someone? Listen, I know you pretty much just got ran out of your Alma mater, but throwing Pete under the bus isn't going to make you look any better. You're coming off like the kid in class that gets busted chewing gum and then rats out the kid next to him for smuggling in fruit roll ups to try to get the heat of of himself. Turn the filter back on Charlie and run those thoughts through it on the way to your mouth next time.

Thought #3 - Speaking of the Irish, Jimmy Clausen is officially going to enter the draft this year and is projected to be the number one QB selected. This means, of course, some team will pick him, pay him way to much, and then watch he struggle through a rookie season while consistently wondering if they should just play his back up. Good luck with blonde Brady Quinn, maybe he can sweet contract with a hair gel company or something.

Thought #4 - It is December which means two things; the Cowboys are going to turn awful and Greg Oden is probably getting cut on and/or casted up. Both of these yearly events rang true over the weekend.

a - The Cowboys looked awful against the Giants in the NFC East showdown. With their next few games including the Saints, Chargers, and Eagles, it looks like Tony can go ahead and renew that suite in the Bahamas for late January.

b. - Greg Oden is all but officially done for the year after breaking his knee over the weekend. Pretty sure he's earning some sweet frequent flier miles at the hospital in Portland, probably going to earn a tonsil removal here soon. All I can say as a Celtics fan is thank you ping pong balls!

College Football Preview, Notre Dame turns down bowl bid, and "Eli wuz here"

Sat, 5 Dec, 2009 06:21:47 GMT

Thought #1- I want to be careful not to build this stuff up to much, because I hate that feeling when things don't live up to the hype you place on them, and yes I am talking about you, Jaws ride at Universal Studios. All I got out of that was wet shoes. Anywho, with that said, this weekend could be the best weekend of college football this year and for a could of reasons.

#1- It's championship week. Yeah it's a no brainer, but that does ensure that the top teams in conferences will be playing each other and we won't have to sit through a Florida-Charleston match up or a Texas - Wyoming blowout. On paper, at least, all the games should be competitive.

#2 - The timing. Noon, 4-o-clock, and 8-o-clock. Only the ACC and Big 12 share a time slot, which means only once will I have to worry about navigating the remote. Now granted if one of these earlier games turns into a blow out, we won't have another option really, but I do have the 1st season of Friday Night Lights on DVD for just such an emergency. mmm Minka Kelly.

#3 - Everything is on the line. This is as close as it will probably ever get to that dream of a college football playoff, so we should really soak it up. Yeah it's not perfect, but just because you didn't get that date with the prom queen, doesn't mean you shouldn't still enjoy the dance.

Should be a great day, just praying it doesn't go Crystal Pepsi on us and actually lives up to the hype.

My Picks:
Bama over Florida - This game rises and falls on McElroy but I think Bama is a more complete team.
Pitt upsets Cincy - I like Pitt to be a little ticked off after losing a close one to WVU, plus I don't like the Bearcats defense
Texas rolls Nebraska - Colt McCoy, enough said.
Ga Tech beats Clemson in a close one. Nesbitt should have a big day.

Thought #2 - Notre Dame will not go to a bowl game this year, but not because they won't be invited. The Irish have decided they will decline any bowl offer because of their "situation." Right, or you just don't want to have to deal with getting rolled up by a Central Michigan or a Hawaii. Notre Dame is a lot like that girl from high school that was super hot, then went to college, put on 40 pounds, and yet refuses to not rock a bikini at the pool. You know how that girl still thinks shes too good to date average fellas? Yeah, that's the Irish this year. Listen, this is the system and you are a part of it. Suck it up, go to that random dot com bowl, and enjoy the complementary sun visors and umbrellas.

Thought #3 - Eli Manning apparently signed his name on the wall of the visiting locker room of Cowboys Stadium. When asked about it Eli came out and admitted that autograph was his, following their 33-31 victory over the Cowboys earlier this season. Now I don't have a problem with Eli doing this, but I'm a little surprised by it. I mean isn't it common knowledge that when you scribble down a "Wuz here" on a desk you always use some other name? I mean drop in a Steve Smith wuz here, or Kevin Boss rocks, but not your own name. Come on man, every third grader knows this.

Thought #4 - Check out the Back Porch Podcast for highs and lows from the week and a weekend preview!

Mangino's done, AP's "routine" traffic stop, a look back on the week, and more! The Back Porch Podcast

Fri, 4 Dec, 2009 02:06:24 GMT

Thought #1- So apparently you can't tell kids they are going to go back and get shot up "by their homies" and keep your job. Mark Mangino is reportedly out at Kansas' head football coach. He can now dedicate all his time to his real passion of fighting the evil crimes of the Hamburglar. Seriously, tell me you didn't see this coming? Not only are you no longer producing wins, you are also at a basketball school, and now best known for roughing up your players. Not a smart combo.

Thought #2 - For advice to Tiger, AP's "routine" stop, a full look back on the week, and a look ahead at the weekend, check out the Back Porch Podcast!

Advice to Tiger, Ron's halftime party, and the College Coaching Carousel

Thu, 3 Dec, 2009 01:58:04 GMT

Thought #1 - So Tiger issued an apology, but then took a few shots at the media who ousted him. So are you sorry you did this or sorry you got caught doing this? Listen, I get it; its frustrating being a public icon, having the media follow you, and people critically watching every step you take, but you know how to solve this how problem? Keep your pants on. Stay at home and play scrabble with your wife, who is smoking hot by the way, instead of getting any where close to some random sleazy chick who is just waiting to jump in the sack with you and then hold it over your head for some coin. You know the best way to get the media off your back? Give them nothing to talk about.

Thought #2 - You know a lot of guys have sweet halftime ritual. They might go in, pound a banana or two, change shoes, switch shorts, just basically doing anything they can to revive themselves and get ready to perform at their top level in the second half.Ron Artest is no different. Ron's got to do what it take to get refresh at the break, its just that apparently for him that includes throwing down a few shots. Ron came out this week and admitted that while on the Chicago Bulls he regularly took shots of Hennessy during halftime. Where did Ron think he was, some random college ultimate frisbee game? Was the plan to pound a few during the half so that you'd catch that buzz already and save my money when you headed downtown after you beat the Delta house? Now granted Ron claims he no longer continues this ritual, but how are his current teammates supposed to react? This kind of like when your Grandad starts to tell stories about being in the army and going out getting tanked with his pet monkey, who was also getting tanked. You know that look every other adult member of your family would get on their face as you sit listening intently? They sit back shaking their heads, know there is nothing they can do to stop the story from coming out. That's got to be exactly what Lakers' management is doing right now. Sitting back, shaking their heads, and finally realizing the reason why Ron keeps a stash of plastic solo cups and ping pong balls in his locker. I'm so glad the real Ron is back!

Thought #3 - Have you ever had one of those friends who didn't really have any idea when he was over stepping the whole friendship boundries? You know how sometimes he would ask super hot girls out for you, that you would defiantly be interested in, but really didn't want him running up and making you look desperate? Remember how disappointing it was to hear the girl laugh in explaining there was no chance of her going to Applebee's with you?

Well now you have a feeling of how Notre Dame is feeling these days. No sooner is Charlie Weis out the door, than the rumors start to swirl. While the school admits they have not officially talked with any coach, they have already been turned down by Urban Myer, Bob Stoops, and, just today, Cincinnati's Brian Kelly. Getting shot down sucks, but getting shot down before you even get to make a legitimate offer is just plain awful. I mean the Irish didn't even get to prime the girl up with some light hearted flirting and kind of test the waters with some of those sweet probing statements like, "man I can't wait to see the Blind Side when it comes out," or "I sure do love that Gingerbread Latte at Starbucks." You know you got to toss a few of those out there and gauge the interest level. Notre Dame didn't even get that chance, they got shot down from all the way across the room.

Thought #4- On the topic of college coaches, Bobby Bowden was officially shoved out and pushed down the road yesterday. Jimbo Fisher will take over as the new head coach. This kind of reminds me of that car you took driver's ed in. You know how it had the one steering wheel for the student and the one on the passenger side for your instructor just in case that random kid you took the course with got distracted in talking about his latest World of Warcraft feat and swirled off the road? That's kind of what this situation is like. Sure Bobby has been sitting in that driver's seat, elbow out the window, just cruising a long, but in actuality Jimbo's been driving for quite sometime from that instructors seat. With that said, don't expect that car to been driven much different anytime soon Nole's fans.

Jake Delhomme stays consistent, Serena still scares me, and I want some Vince Young pills

Tue, 1 Dec, 2009 12:14:15 GMT

Thought #1 - Who buys the non-seedless grapes? Why do we even have those? They just sit there in the store, attempting to trick you into mistaking them for seedless grapes and buying them. And be honest, you've done it, you've even up crunching down on that first grape seed as you put away your groceries and instantly cursed the stock boy for even putting them out. At least point, what can you do though? You've already paid for them, so you just it up, try to eat them, and hoe no body catches you uses random objects around the house as tooth picks.

Jake Delhomme is the non-seedless grades of the football world. Sure he looked like a quarterback last when the Panthers dropped all that coin on him, but little did Carolina know, they would spend all fall picking those ridiculous little seeds out of their teeth. Little did they know Jake would complete over twice as many passes to the opposing team as he would his own this season, competing only with the Bears' Jay Cutler top spot in that category. Just like those grades the Panthers hate the fact that they already paid for this guy, might as well suck it up and try and spit out the bad parts.

On a side note, it looks like Jake has a broken finger, which could force them to play back up Matt Moore. Pretty sure this is trading in non-seedless grades for that non-seedless watermelon. It's going to still be obnoxious, but at least you expect to do more spitting with him.

Thought #2 - Serena Williams set a record today, being fined a record $82,500 for her confrontation with a line judge at the U.S. Open in which she basically told the judge she would kill her, well that is if you consider the threat of having a tennis ball stuffed down you're "f-ing" throat something that would hurt your ability to live. Granted Serena argued that this wasn't the same as a death threat, but modern medical science has proven that while living with a tennis ball in your throat, you life expectancy drastically decreases. The Gland Slam committee is full of some brave souls. Serena is one of the scariest people in the world, she's like 6' 6", ripped, makes a living out of hitting things with a racket, and I'm pretty sure turns in the female version of the Incredible Hulk when she gets angry. Not exactly someone I would look forward to disciplining.

Thought #3 - I don't know what Vince Young is on, but please sign me up for some of that. Does anyone remember last year when dude was missing and we were all certain we'd be hearing some horrible story about him passed out or worse in some Memphis hotel bath tub? Do you remember that? Now the guy is not only on a 5 game winning streak, but looking like one of the most composed QB's in the league in doing it. Yeah, whatever that is he's on, get me at least two bottles of it, and possibly a pretty nurse to crush it up in orange juice for me. (don't judge, pills suck)

Thought #4 - As predicted, with the league cracking down on concussions, big name quarterbacks are sitting out more than ever this season. This week it was Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger taking a seat in exchange for not furthering their injured domes. Steeler Hines Ward apparently took a little bit of a shot at Big Ben, questioning his toughness in dealing with this issue. Now I get that football players are supposed to be super tough and I'm with that, but you know what else I'm fine with? A guy being able to feed himself at the age of 50. So while Hines may question Big Ben toughness, saying he has lied about his condition and played plenty of times, I might would question Hines' brightness. Beating the Ravens is nice, but being able to hold a cup of coffee in 10 years might be worth taking the night off.

Black Friday gets the best of Tiger, a return to Philly for AI, and Tebow's amazing eye black.

Sat, 28 Nov, 2009 04:13:39 GMT

Thought #1 - Black Friday is a crazy day and plenty of people go out of their way, getting up super early just to save a few bucks on the latest trendy over priced toy or the must have gadget of the season. Some people go out of their way, and some people just go flipping nuts to score a deal. Tiger falls into the latter category.

Around 2:25am on Friday Woods was reportedly involved in a one car, one fire hydrant, and one tree collision. As the story goes Tiger was backing out of his driveway when the incident occurred. His wife, Elin, instantly went into ER mode, breaking out the rear window with a golf club and dragging Tiger out.

A few thoughts on this:

#1- The police have indicated that they do not believe alcohol was involved. Really? I'm not sure if it's not sadder to think that alcohol wasn't a factor in this whole thing. I mean one of the greatest athletes ever can't navigate his own driveway? That's pretty shameful. Might want to pour some beer on his shirt and claim that as the reason. Yeah it's not the most respectable thing, but it's better than having everyone think you're driving resembles that 10-year-old girl that always gets stuck going the wrong way on the bumper car track.

#2 - The police are referring to this as a "minor incident." When is the last time you were in a minor incident and you had to be drug out of your ride through a window? When is the last time the jaws of life were used to help people escape a fender bender? Yeah, dude was no doubt rolling out that driveway in his SUV when that fire hydrant jumped out at him. Tiger, you're driveway is not Daytona. Take your time, and don't just trust those mirrors, actually turn around and look. Remember fire hydrants and tires have no common sense, they never look both ways before they run out into the street, so you got to watch.

#3 - Where the heck were you rolling to at 2:30am anyway? Dude, Target is not going to run out of those $40 Tom Toms ok. That Tony Hawk Wii skateboard, will still be there at 4am, along with those $70 Blue Ray players, and $10 margarita makers. Yeah getting a $2 copy of Wedding Crashers is sweet, but it's not worth trashing your ride for buddy.

Thought #2 - I like that Charlotte Bobcats coach Larry Brown wants to counsel Allen Iverson but doesn't want him to play on his team. That's kind of like a person telling you how concerned they are about homeless people and then refusing to let you sleep over at their house. Larry may want to play the good guy card here, but to be honest he's more than fine with Allen sleeping on that park bench with a newspaper blanket tonight.

Thought #2b - Interestingly enough AI could be making his return to Philly. The Sixers are reportedly mulling around the idea of making him an offer. A source inside the team has declared they are very "boring" right now. Well Allen may not be "The Answer" to many things these days, but he darn sure can help with that. Philly, prepare yourself for a booster shot of drama, moody press conferences, and fights with coaches. Enjoy.

Thought #3 - I'm very surprised that no one has marketed Tim Tebow Bible Verse Eye Black Strips. I mean can't you just see those filling up the cabinets at Bible book stores around the country? I mean forget your classic Prayer of Jabez hand towel, or your fancy after dinner Test-ta-Mints, these could easily be the WWJD bracelet for the next generation. Somebody has got to get on that.

Thought #4 - Dear New Jersey Nets, the league is out of horrible teams for you to play in hopes of ending your win less streak. After losing to the Kings last night in front of 10s of fans, there are pretty much no other options left. Unless the league has mercy on you and lets you schedule a contest against the Comets, or maybe the Sparks, it's very possible you will not win a game this year.

Iverson retires and the Back Porch Thanksgiving Eve Podcast!

Thu, 26 Nov, 2009 12:18:24 GMT

Thought #1 - Is there a better holiday than Thanksgiving? I mean you eat, you watch football, you eat, you take a nap, you eat, you watch more football. I'm pretty sure heaven is non-stop Thanksgiving, minus ever feeling bloated, plus everyone getting their own Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Plus its basicially the pre-game, the tailgate for Christmas, which is awesome. Enjoy your X-mas tailgate!

Thought #2 - Iverson retired today. It didn't make it into the podcast, sorry. is this a real retirement or is this just a cry for someone to beg him back? You kind of like that friend who wants you to beg him to come out to the party. You know he plays it up too, almost getting ready to leave, and then backing out again. Listen, AI doesn't want to quit balling, he doesn't want to go play in the Industry League in Hampton, but he will before he will sit on the Milwaukee Bucks bench. He will before he goes and rides the pine in Boston. He saws he's retiring, but let's be honest, that's just until the phone rings.

Thought #3 - Check out the Back Porch podcast! Highlights from the week and a preview towards the holiday weekend!

Urban doesn't want the ice cream truck, Jimmy gets a shiner, and your Thanksgiving Emergency Cards!

Wed, 25 Nov, 2009 03:31:07 GMT

Thought #1- If someone offered to hook you up with an ice cream truck in the 1970's, you'd probably be stoked. You could drive that thing around, attract mad kids, and be fairly successful making money. Today, ah, not so much. Kids don't really buy ice cream from trucks these days and frankly the guys who are still driving them around neighborhoods are pretty freaking creepy. Kids go to Cold Stone now, they pay 7 bucks to watch some other kid roll their ice cream around in some chopped up health bar, plop it in a cup, and sing them a jingle. Times have just changed.

Urban Myer is probably going to get offered an ice cream truck here real soon. As Charlie Weis stands with one foot already out the door, he's probably going to, at least behind closed doors, be offered the head coaching position at Notre Dame. Now just like that ice cream truck, if this were 1970 or even 1980, this would be a tempting offer. Kids would be all over it, begging Urban for a bomb pop or a Nutty Buddy. Problem is, its 2009, and kids aren't really digging push ups and they also aren't digging the Irish. On top of that, Urban is currently in charge of the Cold Stone Creamery of college football in Florida, and is making a darn good profit at it. Right now his currently pitch line to potential players is, "Did you watch the National Title game last year? Yeah I was that guy holding the trophy at the end." Done deal, where do I sign sir? Does Notre Dame really think he is going to trade that in for a future of combing neighborhoods in that old truck, trying to chase down kids and sucker them into thinking a $4 Sponge Bob Popsicle is better than a tub of chocolate with cake batter and peanut butter cup mix ins? Good luck with that Irish, I'd work on fixing up that truck before I expected to get a high quality driver.

Thought #2 - So you know you had a bad weekend anytime you have to rock sunglasses at work on Monday. No matter what the reason is, if you've got to sport Ray Bans in order to feel comfortable with people seeing you on Monday, something went terribly wrong on Saturday. Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen knows exactly what I'm talking about. Jimmy showed up to practice today rocking the tinted vision in an attempted to hide a sweet shiner he picked up early Sunday morning leaving a restaurant just off campus. Reportedly he was "sucker punched" by a "fan" as he, his girlfriend, and family left the restaurant around 2 am. So not only does your team lose the Senior night game, you also get lit up, and to top that, your family and lady are there to see it go down. It's one thing to punch a guy without him looking, but to do it in front of his mom and dad? Wow, nice loyalty Domer. You're team will have a far better chance of winning now that the QB has one eye swollen shut. Yeah, and Urban Myer wants what part of this program?

On a side note, who eats dinner with their folks at 2am? 2am meals on college campuses have a long standing history of ending up making a 4am reappearance. Not exactly what I would want my star QB going through mid-season, even if it is family related.

Thought #3 - He's back! The real Ron Artest is officially returned making his appearance last night on the Jimmy Kimmel show wearing nothing but his underwear. There's an element of comfort in this for all us NBA fans. I mean serious, who was this guy who was taking people out and buying them things and having little pleasant dinners with random families in LA? I don't know that guy. I know the guy who shows up in his boxers for a TV spot, I know the guy who tries his best to sell random R&B cds out of the back of his car to reporters, and I know the guy who other players feared because of his ability to spontaneously erupted and kick your tail. That's the Artest I know, the one tittering on the edge of crazy. Thats the one I'm comfortable with.

Thought #4 - So Thanksgiving is in two days, which means you eat, you sit, and you watch football until you can convince yourself you can pound more sweet potato casserole without passing out. In the midst of this glorious occasion you may encounter a problem though, the game could very well suck. This typically isn't a huge problem because just the sound of football as your nod off into your turkey coma is enough to keep you happy, but if non-fan in your family notices this, you could be in trouble. You could very well be facing the question of, "why are we watching this game? you don't even like the Cowboys," or "the score is 34-6, the Lions aren't going to win and the kids want to watch the Wiggles." Listen, if you aren't prepared with a quick answer, you're going to be trying to snooze through a Hanna Montana sing-a-long, impossible. With that in mind I have compiled a list of cards you can play to keep the sweet sounds of the pigskin humming as you crash.

Card #1 - The Family Tradition card. This card works best when played in connection with an elderly loved one, who for whatever reason is not present. "Oh I wish Uncle Joe could have made it this year, we used to sit and watch these games together all day. He loved his Lions and he loved us kids." Now you have to be careful here. If another relative disputes the claim you will be screwed. Also, you don't want to play up their missing the event to much or you could end up on a 6 hour weekend drive to visit Uncle Joe.

Card #2 - The Alumni card. Pick a random player from either of the teams and start to describe them as a friend you knew from high school. Pick someone who doesn't play much, so you can justify watching the whole game to see if he is going to get some playing time. You're going to need a minimum of three decent experiences with this person, try a variety, don't go all core subjects it sounds shady. Also, if you want to add something about that person over coming horrible odds to be successful in life, that will really add creditability. * Warning: Will NOT work if your significant other is also an alumni of your school.

Card #3 - The Economy card. Clearly with the economic state of the country, and especially Detroit, it would be un-American to not support them by watching this game. You are only doing your part to help people survive. If you can mix in some unemployment stats with this that will help too. Be careful though, if you drag this concern to help out to much you're going to have to do some major back tracking on Friday when you try to avoid the bell ringers outside of the mall.

Card #4 - The Life Lessons card. This card is a little tricky, but you can navigate it if you are crafty. Simply explain that football teaches young men and women valuable life lessons such as, teamwork, determination, and work ethic. Now the hope here is not that you have to actually explain this, the hope is that the kids begging to watch "A Wiggly X-mas" will quickly get beat with your life lessons and decide to go outside and try to set leaves on fire or something. So don't make to much sense and try to sound as self righteous as possible. Just be careful, you could be talking your way in to being asked to be a scout leader.

Ok, there are your four options. Put them in your tool belt and play them with care. Remember, it's very hard to use them in back to back years, so just be mindful of which ones you pull out.

If all else fails you can always take the batteries out of the remote, sit on them, and pretend to be asleep, so they can't move you to look for them. Yeah it's kind of dishonest, but it's better than watching that "Air Buddies save Christmas" special.

The Sanchez giveaway and more Week 11 Thoughts

Tue, 24 Nov, 2009 02:04:47 GMT

Thought #1- You know how professional teams are always trying different types of gimmick giveaways to try and get people to come out to the game? You have your bobble head night, free taco if we break 30 points night, and of course the ever popular sign up for a credit card and get a paper thin stadium blanket night. Yesterday afternoon I think Mark Sanchez was working with hand in hand with the New England Patriots staff in a promotional giveaway of his own. The "Sanchanise" tossed four interceptions to the opposing Patriots and also gave them one fumble. Not a bad prize just for showing up to the game, I mean I would take that over those inflatable clapping sticks, or that plastic cup that's destine to melt in my dishwasher. Bottom line, Mark's head is wrecked. He started off well, other teams got a little film on him, and figure out how to rattle him. Now the Jets are stuck with a guy who hasn't developed enough to throw his team back into games and who is too cocky to realize it. Unless Rex gets things right, expect Mark Sanchez giveaway nights to become a regular event.

Thought #2 - Before you talk trash to the opposing team, you might want to make sure your team is starting a quarterback other than Chris Sims. Reportedly Broncos' head coach Josh McDaniel was heard telling the San Diego Chargers they "owned" them before the game Sunday. Josh, do you not realize you are on a three game losing streak, which includes a lose to the Redskins? Maybe this really sunk in when you "owned" them on Sim's first drop back, which resulted in a fumble, or when Josh looked over and saw Knowshon Moreno and Brandon Marshall getting into it on the sideline. Maybe in one of those two moments Josh realized the only thing he would be "owning" Sunday is 3 points and a sore butt. Think before you speak next time man.

Thought #3 - Chris Johnson is a sick running back, but more impressive is his violin playing for the Dave Matthews Band. Ants Marching is great!

Thought #4 - As long as the NFL keeps feeling the pressure of doctors and lawyers concerning concussions, expect more and more of your team's quarterbacks to spend time on the sideline after getting hit. It's pretty much the NFL equivalent to the Swine Flu scare that has every kid with a running nose sitting at home for a week in fear that he will poison all of his classmates. Not that concussions aren't serious, but every dude that gets his bell rung doesn't necessarily need an MRI.

Bud sends an apology, Les Miles hits the black button, and Shaq goes to the Police Academy.

Mon, 23 Nov, 2009 02:37:44 GMT

Thought #1 - Did you ever catch yourself making fun of a girl in high school, really rolling on them too, cracking everyone up, and then realize she over heard you? She runs off and spends the rest of the day crying in the girls' room, meanwhile you're left to deal with the scorn of every other girl in the school. Now you're facing the possibly of carrying the label of a jerk and spending the next four years of life dateless, so what do you do? You have to go into damage control mode and depending on how bad, ie awesome, your comments were will determine if an apology note is enough, or if you have to go full blown lie, telling her you have a crush on her, the jokes were your way of dealing with it, and asking her out on a date. It's a bitter pill but you figure an evening at Applebee's and having to sit through New Moon, is worth salvaging your rep.

Well Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams just attempted to take Buffalo Bills fans out for a 10 dollar steak and baked potato today. Last week Bud got busted flipping off Bills fans as the Titans rolled on them. This week Bud took out a full page add in a Buffalo newspaper wishing the team luck for the rest of the season. Nice Bud. I'm sure Bills fans were completely won over this morning when they opened up the paper and saw your love letter. I really hope you remembered to dot the "i" in your note with a heart, that's crucial.

Thought #2 - You know how sometimes when you are playing football on a video game you accidentally hit the black button and your team automatically goes no huddle and runs the same play again or worse spikes the ball? I'm pretty sure that's what happened last night at the end of the LSU-Ole Miss game.

If you missed it, LSU, down 2, was driving with under a minute left. They completely wasted almost 20 seconds by waiting to call a time out, but then completed a pass to land themselves inside the 5 yard line with 1 second left on the clock. The clock stops to move the chains. So what are Les Miles options here? Hmm, he could a. run the kicking team out and kick a field goal, b. line up and try one last shot at the endzone, or c. use the last second of the game to spike the ball, giving them no chance on earth to win. Les took option c, and Jordan Jefferson successfully spent the last second of the contest throwing the ball into the ground. I'm not real sure how mathematically inclined Jefferson or Miles are and I know everyone has their own personal skill sets, but please tell me one of you two can count to 1. Please tell me your thumb accidentally hit the black button Les and Jordan please tell me your vision was blurry and you thought you saw 11 on the clock. Otherwise this is probably the worst 1 second of football I've ever seen.

Thought #3 - When you've only won 2 games all season, spotting the other team points is probably a bad idea. New York Knick Nate Robinson apparently doesn't get this. With .5 seconds left in the first quarter, Nate lobed up a shot towards the Nets basket and drained it! Unfortunately for the win less Nets it was ruled that he didn't get the shot off. I get it Nate, you're a nice guy and you feel bad for your struggling neighbor, but why don't you at least get to a half dozen wins before you start dishing out the charity buckets. The Knicks did pull out the victory despite Robinson's efforts and you know what, that lofty goal of double digit wins by Valentine's Day is seeming like a real possiblity.

Thought #4 - The state of Ohio has decided that Shaquille O'Neal will need to have some training before he can be an official deputy in Cleveland, carry a gun and make arrests. I'm sorry Ohio, did you not see Steel? Have you never played Shaq-Fu on SEGA? How do you not want this guy on the force? Surely you aren't doubting the qualifications of a NBA player's ability to use a firearm. You can do what you want, but you're wasting valuable time here that Shaq could be using to keep your city safe from Delonte West and the other villains from the Thunderdome.

By the way, I will completely turn a 180 on this if your department releases a sweet video of Shaq running the obstacle course in a sweatsuit that's two sizes too small. Oh and I really hope he gets to room with the guy who makes all the funny noises.

Thought #5 - You know that part of the movie "Friday Night Lights" where the old alumni still living in town come up to the guys, talking their glory days, and showing off their rings? Pretty sure Doug Flutie is college football's version of "Townie Alumni Guy." Every year dude comes out of the wood work and spins yarns about that one great play. Every year we sit through analysis of how great it was that dude randomly chucked up a prayer and it was answered. Listen, I get it Doug, this is all you have so you have to run with it. Flutie Flakes are off the market, and no body is calling on you for a drop kick anymore, but seriously, stop making me watch you run off the field in that belly cut jersey every year.

Marv Abert learns gang signs and the Knicks pass on AI

Sat, 21 Nov, 2009 04:16:55 GMT

Thought #1 - Gang warfare is pretty intense, just ask Marv Albert. Marv got into it with rapper 50-cent's posse back stage last night as they were both guests on the "Jimmy Kimmel Live" show. Apparently 50's crew didn't recognize the long time broadcaster and from that point it was on! I'm not sure if Marv showed up wearing the wrong colors or dropped the "sign" but I do know it's very likely he needed a change of pants when he returned to his dressing room. Now I don't know who exactly was at fault here, but I kind of have to blame the Jimmy Kimmel crew. I mean you can't schedule to gang rivals like Marv and 50 on the same night, what are you thinking? As soon as 50 hears that trademark "Yeesssss" you know dude is going to snap. And you know Marv isn't going to back down, dude's a biter, and biters never go down easy.

Thought #2 - Did your parents ever tell you not to hang out with that semi creepy old guy who always showed up at all your high school sporting events? You remember that guy. He was still rocking his 1984 State Champs, always offered to buy you and your friends beer, and consistently hit on high school girls. Well that's basically what New York Knicks' President Donnie Walsh told his team today in regards to Allen Iverson. The Knicks, who were thought to be AI's best shot at signing to a team, have decided not to pursue him because it would hurt the development of their younger players. Yeah, he might sell some tickets and you might be able to market some sweet orange and blue arm sleeves, but if you really are trying to mode some young minds, bringing in a classic ball-hog, whose never really proved to be more than a one man show, probably isn't the best move. Yeah he might be able to provide Wilson Chandler with some good advice as to what the best injuries are to fake in order to get out of practices but still make game. I'm sure he could point Larry Hughes in the right direction when it comes to looking for a place to relieve himself at a casino. But you know, there are some things kids just got to learn on their own. So I'm sorry Danilo Gallinari, Uncle Allen won't be scoring you smokes this year.

Thought #2b.- On a side note Allen, you're probably not going to find a team unless you come to terms with the fact that you are no longer "The Answer." You'll be lucky if you can just find a team that will let you be "The Option," or "The Consideration." With that said, you might want to go ahead and pay that entry fee for that Industrial League in Hampton, I hear spots are filling up fast.

Thought #3 - Kansas head coach Mark Mangino has come under a lot of fire lately for what is being described as verbal abuse and inappropriate contact with players. Mangino defended himself saying that his formal players who have come out accusing him of such things are simply looking for their 15 minutes of fame and that he can't fix in four years what parents should have done when raising their children. It makes you wonder, is this one of those situations where a person insults other people to make themselves feel better? I mean let's be honest, dude is like 450lb and hanging out every day with guys in top phyiscal condition. Pretty sure the day he showed up to practice rocking a purple shirt his kids mistakenly thought he was the Grimace and asked if he had any coupons for free McFlurries. That's probably how this how thing got started. Also, losing 5 straight games usually doesn't help.

Thought #4 - Check out the weekly Back Porch Podcast for highs and lows from the week and a preview of the weekend!

Highlights from the week, a look ahead, and more. The Back Porch podcast, Nov. 19!

Fri, 20 Nov, 2009 07:42:46 GMT

Have a listen and drop your thoughts!

The Browns last hope, Brandon Jennings is sick, and the real reason Rex cried.

Thu, 19 Nov, 2009 03:35:31 GMT

Thought #1 - I feel like to be as awful as they are, the Browns are in the news a lot. I just watched Sports Center spend about 5 minutes, talking with real football analysis about the possibility of Lebron James playing football for the Browns. If you missed it, Lebron did come out and mention that he feels he could make it in the NFL. This of course prompted Eric Mangini to say he would be more than welcome to have the King try out. And why wouldn't he be, Brady Quinn can just as easy throw an incomplete pass to Lebron as he can anyone right?

How bad is it that this is the most positive story to come out of the Browns camp this entire year? It's like me saying the only thing that keeps me getting out of bed every morning is the hope that I might find a leprechaun who will lead me to a magic box of all marshmallow Lucky Charms. When the best thing you have going for you is the pipe dream that the best player in the NBA would freely choose to come spend time on your team and have Brady Quinn sail balls over his head, you're in pretty pitiful shape. Sorry Browns, don't think you're going to get to be a "witness" just like I'm never going to get a box of Lucky Charms without all those little cat food looking pieces in it.

Thought #2- Yes more Browns news! Brady Quinn got fined for his low blow to the Raven's Terrel Suggs' knee, which could sideline Suggs for a while. For Brady's part, he said he was simply trying to tackle Chris Carr, who had just picked him off. That makes sense. Football players usually try to tackle other players by diving at a player's legs that doesn't have the ball. Ok, let's add lying to the list of things Quinn is not good at. Put it right under completing passes and having the ability to walk around and not look like the hanger is still in his shirt.

Thought #3- Does anyone else find it somewhat hard to keep up with College basketball because of the high turnover rate of players? I mean every year I swear I try but it's darn near Christmas before I even feel close to having a decent grasp on who is who. Then by June, 90% of them are gone. I will say that so far, it seems the usual suspects remain good this year, Kansas is going to be nasty as long as they don't get to lazy, Duke looks motivated, and John Wall will be a household name all year. Also keep an eye on Radford's Parahouski. Dude is 6' 11'', was last year's Big South POY, and will really be tested by Duke this weekend.

Thought #4 - Letting Rex Ryan borrow that copy of Steel Magnolias on Sunday night was an innocent mistake and I take full responsibility for it. I had no idea the emotion would carry over into Monday's meeting and I apologize. Seriously though, I highly doubt this will be the last time someone wearing Jets colors will cry this season, in fact probably not even this week. We all know the saddest movies are the ones where you really think the main character is going to have success, where you really buy into the hope of a happy ending, and then you realize that dog is actually not going to make it and you're crushed. Welcome to the Jets last month of life.

Thought #5- Brandon Jennings is sick. After spending last season playing ball in Europe because he feared he didn't have the grades to get into college in the states and was to young for the draft, he is now shredding the league, averaging over 25 points and 5 dimes per game. Amazing how when a guy goes over seas and gets paid to play ball at 18 he gets housed for it by people, but if an 18 year old decided to "study abroad" for a year, ie run around in Europe drinking wine and smoking pot, its somehow "enlightening. Jennings obviously learned a lot over there, so I dare say it was a pretty decent career move.

The Browns go from bad to bad and boring and could AI be a Knick?

Wed, 18 Nov, 2009 02:00:44 GMT

Thought#1 - Have you ever been to one of those hole in the wall restaurants? You know the kind that when you first walk in you're scared to death to touch anything fearing you will instantly contract some type of horrible disease that only shows up in third world countries? Now that place has no chance at making a dime, unless it's got some kick a specialty dish to attract people. You know, like a giant greasy burger, that includes a fried egg and a pound of pepper jack cheese. Or maybe some amazingly huge buffalo wings, the kind that have to be served in a bucket and are accompanied by two rolls of paper towels. It only really takes one star item for even the trashiest hole in the wall to survive, but dare they not have that, and they are just a case of salmonella poisoning waiting to happen.

Now think about the NFL's hole in the wall pit; The Cleveland Browns. What's worse than being completely awful? Being completely awful and not having anyone close to being that special dish. Not having one single player a fan could be happy about. Think about it. If you're a Cleveland Browns fan, whose jersey are you rocking on Sunday? Jamal Lewis? Not unless this 2003. Joshua Cribbs? Do they even make those? Or would you dare brave a Brady Quinn jersey and the distinct possibility that you get punched in the temple? I mean at least Ram's fans could sport a Stephen Jackson jersey. At least Skins fans could get props for wearing Chris Cooley's digits at the sports bar. Brown's fan, I'm sorry, you got nothing. Just go ahead and order that Drew Carey novelty jersey and just tell people it was a gift. The Browns are the worst thing a team can be, awful and completely unlikable. I also expect I could catch a serious illness from them.

Thought #2- The New York Knicks are currently have an internal debate with themselves. "Are we so bad this season that we would risk bringing in Allen Iverson, just to sell a few jerseys? Should we go ahead and cash in this year, take on the grumpiest strugglig veteran in the league, in hopes that a couple shots of him chatting with Spike Lee will sell some tickets?" Seriously New York, this actually might not be your worst idea. AI's contract would only be for this year and we all know you've got all the alarms set in the Garden for the summer of 2010 anyway. It's kind of like when you think you're about to get a new set of tires. You figure you might as well just have some fun, burn the heck out of the ones on your ride. Well be careful New York, sure this could be fun. Sure you'll enjoy selling those orange and blue arm sleeves to 10 year olds and might even get yourself a couple of the ever entertaining Iverson press conference melt downs, but if those new tires don't get delivered, you'll find yourself sitting on the side of the rode with a car full of Nate Robinson and Danilo Gallinari.

Thought #3 - This 24 hours of college basketball thing proves one thing to me. The whole idea that the reason we can't have a college football playoff because it would interfere with school is crap. I just watched kids play basketball at 2am, how exactly does that help the student-athlete succeed in the classroom? Could a sweet little kick back from ESPN have made that 9am sociology class seem a little less important to school officials? Just a little ironic that the football team can't bare to drop in an extra game, but basketball players can work the hours that only Denny's waitresses and truck drivers should be awake.

Thought #4 - Rich Rodriguez is in trouble over not properly logging his player's workout times. This comes after players complained about spending more than the NCAA allotted time in drills and practice. You know I have the feeling that if Rich's record was 6-1 and not 1-6 this probably would magically go away. With that said I'm pretty sure once they get rolled by Ohio State this weekend, those logs will look more damning than ever.

Bud Adams gets excited and offensive and TO slept on his hands wrong

Tue, 17 Nov, 2009 01:57:21 GMT

Thought #1- When you're 86, you can get away with a lot of stuff. You can wear that awkward multi-colored wind suit, drive your extremely large car extremely slow and without ever checking your blind spots, and can totally sleep through church without anyone saying a word to you. You know what you can't do though? You can't get away with flipping off the opposing teams fans from your box seats. Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams found that out today as the NFL fined him $250,000 for throwing, not one, but two birds towards Buffalo Bills fans on Sunday. Adams apologized, saying he just got excited, caught up in the moment and that it was wrong. Really Bud? You're telling me that beating the Bills was so thrilling for you that you couldn't help but get obscene? Good Lord, what are you going to do when the Titans actually beat a legit team, moon the crowd? Drop some f-bombs on them, while you do some kind of awful humping motion? Listen Bud, its a slippery slope from being the cute old man who can get away with off the wall comments to becoming just a flat out dirty old man, and you might as well be in a bob sled coasting down that thing right now.

Thought #2 - Speaking of the Bills, Terrell Owens had another awful performance yesterday. TO almost didn't play because of a hip injury he reportedly got after sleeping on his couch wrong. Did you sleep on your hands wrong too Terrell? Because they seemed to be giving you far more trouble than your hip. Listen, if you don't want to practice, that's fine, but don't become that kid who starts milking lame excuses to get out of it. Don't come in and tell me you burnt your hand cooking Ramen noodles for your grandma, or you pulled your groin while trying to save a baby from a pack of stray dogs. Just be honest and say I would much rather be crying in front of a VH1 camera crew than running wind sprints today.

Thought #3 - The perfect storm of self indulgent NBA players could be creating itself in Charlotte soon. The Bobcats traded for Stephen Jackson in a two for two deal, which included Acie Law, Raja Bell, and Vladimir Radmanovic. Also, Allen Iverson was officially released from the Grizzles today. Could this be the start of a train wreck? Something so awful, yet interesting, that we as fans can't bare to look away? Or could this be the one where all the hardened kids learn from each other's differences and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson comes in and coaches them to victory? Hmm, they are going to need a fat kid for this to work I think.

UT players threaten to put your eye out, Lebron's jersey thoughts, and more.

Sun, 15 Nov, 2009 02:28:54 GMT

Thought #1 - The other day I saw a kid running down the hall. As he darted past me I realized dude was wearing a shirt that had his name on the back of it. I pulled this kid aside and told him, "hey man, its one thing to break the rules but its way worse to be stupid about it."

If only someone had informed those guys at the University of Tennessee of this life lesson.

If you didn't catch it, 3 players from the Volunteer's football team were arrested this week for an attempted armed robbery. As stupid as this on the surface, lets look at it a little more in depth.

A. They used a pellet gun. Good call. You try and jack some coin from a person by threatening to break their skin or, at best, put out their eye.

B. At least one of the players was wearing UT gear. Good lord, you might as well be wearing one of those ski masks with the big face hole. Seriously, thats like robbing a 7-11 right after you used your credit card to buy a Slurpee. Why don't you just introduce yourself and ask for the money? I mean as giddy as people in Knoxville are over football, odds are they would just give it to you.

C. They tried to rob a person outside of a Pilot gas station. How much did they expect to gain from this? I mean really, when is the last time you rolled to the Pilot carrying Benjamins? Most people show up there with about 5 bucks, planning on scoring a Mt. Dew and a pack of Newports. If you are going to go gas station thief, at least go to Exon or some other legit station so you might at least score a Hamilton.

Thought #2 - Lebron James saying he thinks the NBA should retire Jordan's number 23 is a lot like asking a teenager what the best comedy of all time is. Without a doubt that kid is going to spout off with Pineapple Express, Knocked Up, or some other awful comedy filled with crude humor, fart jokes, and littered with f-bombs. You know you just want to grab that kid and force them to sit down and watch Vacation, Ghostbusters, Fletch, and Animal House all in a single sitting. Granted Lebron is only 24, but does he not know about Magic? Or Larry? What about Bill Russell? Dude has 11 rings and broke the color barrier when it comes to coaching in the league. It makes me think if I went up and asked Lebron about the movie Stripes he would say, who is Bill Murray? You know there are places you will get punched in the throat for a comment like that.

Thought #3- Let me say this again, I'm not a huge fan of conspiracy theories when it comes to sports. I'm also not naive enough to not realize that it benefits conferences to have teams in contention for the national title. This thought ran through my mind last night as I watch the officials in the West Virginia - Cincinnati game over turn a, questionable at best, call at the goal line. The play was originally ruled a fumble on the field, but when reviewed was over turned for a Cincy touchdown. So has the Big East taken a page out of the SEC's playbook? Have they decided the Bearcats are their chance to cash in? I'm not sure, but like Chris Tucker said in Rush Hour 2, if you want answers, follow the rich white guy.

Thought #4 - The NFL is officially anti rum and anti pirates. The league has banned players from striking the "Captain Morgan" pose after Eagle's tight end Brent Celek demonstrated it after scoring last Sunday. The NFL claims it was a "guerrilla" marketing campaign by the company and the last thing the NFL wants is to have their players endorsing products. Especially while wearing cleats provided by Nike, drinking the official NFL beverage, Gatorade, and while playing at FedEx or Heinz fields. Yeah, sponsorship has no place in the NFL Brent, of course neither does fun apparently.

Nascar's Fancy New Band-Aid

Fri, 13 Nov, 2009 04:24:35 GMT

A thought from the Back Porch:

Little kids love band-aids and can you blame them? These days you can get a band-aid featuring almost any super hero or cartoon character your heart desires. Kids sport them with pride and will try to prolong the life of that band aid as much as possible, constantly reapplying it and on occasion even adding tape for extra support as it struggles to hold on for dear life. The problem is band-aids have a short life expectancy; it’s a short-term solution and after a few days of playgrounds, finger paint, and bathtubs, even the strongest Spiderman bandage will give way to the dirt and grime of life.

NASCAR is bleeding. Tracks aren’t selling out, TV ratings are down, and maybe worst of all, their once passionate fan base seems to be turning more lukewarm with every passing race. In these struggling times NASCAR finds itself in desperate need of some medical attention.

Enter the Danica Patrick band-aid.

This week the rumors have swirled about a possible future for Patrick on the Nationwide Series. According to ESPN.com’s Marty Smith, Patrick is very close to signing a deal with Dale Earnhardt Jr’s JR Motorsports, which would allow her to race around twelve Nationwide events, while maintaining her full time IndyCar status.

So is this the much-needed help NASCAR needs to revive itself?

With the sport facing the tough economic realities and with sponsorship dollars consistently becoming harder to come by, the Danica Patrick stimulus package seems very appealing. She is by far the most well known of any IndyCar driver despite have a resume containing only a single victory. Let’s face it, she’s extremely marketable and just by spending a few moments on her website it's clear she has no problem using her sex appeal, rather than winning percentage, in peddling the latest gadgets. Watch a few hours of TV today and you’ll no doubt encounter her attempting to sell you Internet space or antifreeze at least once. With current NASCAR sponsors becoming far less willing to throw money towards young developing drivers, Patrick’s media savvy surly has plenty of owners hearing cash registers go off in their heads.

But do sponsorship dollars and marketability automatically equal a rise in fan interest? Are fans going to be content watching Patrick go through the normal struggles any open wheeled driver faces when making the transition to stock cars, just because she looked nice selling them that five dollar footlong? Or, will her over exposure and under performance create a backlash, which could possibly be more detrimental than helpful to the sport?

Bringing in Patrick will undoubtedly bring attention and create an initially interest surge for NASCAR, possibly even in some untapped markets. It may also create some short-term revenue relief, but expecting Danica to be much more than a band-aid for a sport with some pretty major wounds would be misguided.

Remember, no matter how cool that Dora the Explorer band-aid looks, it’s going to eventually fall off and your problem will still be there.

Back Porch Pocast for Nov. 12! HIghlights from the week and more! Listen and drop your thoughts!

Fri, 13 Nov, 2009 02:52:18 GMT

Take a listen and drop your nuggets!

Larry Johnson & Conway Twitty tapes for sale!

Thu, 12 Nov, 2009 12:32:46 GMT

Thought #1 - Did you have yard sell lady in your neighborhood when you were growing up? You know, that one old lady on your block that spent every single Saturday between April and September trying to pawn off her old stuff from her front lawn? She'd start wheeling that junk out there at the crack of dawn, throw down that old blanket and cover that thing with random trinkets, old cook books, and the largest assortment of porcelain animals (especially chickens for some reason) you'd ever seen. There she sat, everyday, the junk never changed. Even though she was only asking a nickel for that tape of "Christmas in Dollywood" no body was buying. I'd imagine Larry Johnson feels a lot like that lady right now. Just sitting out there on the lawn, watching teams driving and try to avoid making eye contact with him. Nobody's stopping. Larry's sitting there all day, holding up that 2007 Fantasy Guide he was the cover boy for and even though dude only costs a nickel, even though KC will be picking up his entire contract for this season, so far, no body's pulled over. LJ, you got a bad reputation and some high mileage. You got to realize the longer you sit out there on that lawn, the harder it's going to be for anyone to suck it up and pay anything for that porcelain cat or that 3 pack of Conway Twitty tapes.

Thought #2 - The Washington Redskins have officially stated they are not interested in Larry Johnson, well I take that back. Jim Zorn, says they are not interested, not sure how much weight that carries at this point. Although I think it is against official Redskin policy to take on an aging player without having to pay him a huge salary. Way to stay consistent Washington.

Thought #3- Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis banned Chad Ochocinco from mailing things to the Steelers this week after learning Chad was planning to send them a surplus of mustard. Last week Chad sent packs of deodorant to the Baltimore Ravens. I feel like Chad honestly believes he lives in a Saved by the Bell episode. You remember, they get in that prank war with the rival school during basketball season, which by the way, I'm not sure when they all started playing basketball. Of course Mr. Belding find out and teaches them all some sappy important life lesson. That's what's running through Chad's head right now, prank war with Big Ben, and ol Coach Lewis busted it up. Dag! I just can't wait to Chad drops the "Time Out" freeze moment during the middle of a game. If youre Coach Lewis you got to watch out to, the last thing you want is for Ocho and Cedric Benson getting into it over who is taking Kelly to the Sweetheart dance, that could be disastrous for an offense.
I get it Chad, you're a fun guy, you like pranks, you love attention, and you've finally got a winner so you're going to milk it for all it's worth. To be honest you've done a great job of turning your 15 minutes of fame into about 3 hours. Just be careful, as long as you are winner, this stuff is cool, but as soon as things go bad you're going to be the scape goat of the week.

Thought #4 - Brady Quinn was announced as the Brown's starter for Monday nights game against the Ravens. Good news is, his QB rating is 30 points higher than former starter Derek Anderson's. Bad new, that means he is maxing out at 60. How awful are the Browns right now? How about this; they have combined for 3 touchdowns this year and 13 INTs, awesome huh? Let's face it, this car is on a one way collision course with a tree, so does it really matter who is driving it? Neither guy is capable to avoiding the wreck, so you might as well go down with the better looking and more marketable of the two. I mean yeah, Quinn has been pretty horrible this year, but maybe he can sell a few ab rollers or 5 dollar footlongs for you. Oh, and possibly a few tickets so you don't have to blackout a Monday night game in a classic football city. Listen Cleveland, the ship's going down fast, doesn't really matter whose holding onto to the wheel when it finally goes completely under.

Tom Cable just needs a friend and the Wolverines AD gets rough with some students.

Tue, 10 Nov, 2009 04:58:53 GMT

Thought #1- Remember that time in middle school when you got semi beat up in the boys room by that bully and you finally sucked it up and turned him in? Remember how instead of punishing him, kicking his black jeans, Dale Earnhardt t-shirt wearing butt out of school, they decided it was best to just send him to the Guidance Councilor for "help?" That's basically what the NFL has decided to do with Tom Cable. Cable "allegedly" broke an assistant coaches jaw earlier this season and "allegedly" has a history of beating women. So what does he obviously need? A buddy. Exactly, he just needs a ear, someone to listen and comfort him, meanwhile his former assistant and lady friends need a few stitches, prescription pain killer, and a couple frozen bags of peas. Yeah, that seems fair. The bully just smacked you around, ripped your favorite Alonzo Mourning Hornets tee, and stole your brand new trapper keeper. Now instead of getting suspended or punished in any way, he gets to skip science class and go sit on the couch in that dimly lit office that always smells like popcorn. You get to take notes on the reproduction system of a bird while he gets to talk about his feeling with that lady who reminds you of an overly joyful hobbit and eat candy corn. Yeah that's fair.

Thought #1b- By the way, I really don't want to see anymore pictures of Cable awkwardly hugging women. Why is it that bullies always look ridiculous in pictures with their significant others? They are always really awkwardly close and look like they are on the verge of a full on make out session at any moment. Gross.

Thought #2 - It must suck to be Matt Lienart. I mean the Ken Whisenhunt is really trying to give the guy a chance to play and Matt goes out, throws an INT, and forces Whisenhunt to pull him back out of the game. He's like the kid on your little team with all the gear, who looks great in the uniform, and whose dad is best friends with the coach. They try to play him, try to get him some reps, but at some point we might all just have to realize that kid may need a back up plan in life. Might want to start looking into accounting or law or something, because I don't know if you're going to be able to count on that MLB pay check to put bread on the table. Lienart looks great in a uniform, looks great on the cover of ESPN the magazine, even looks great on TV standing on the sidelines, but you know where he doesn't look great? Under center. Maybe he just needs some time to develop, maybe he just needs some more snaps, but he's not going to get to many more chances at that right now with Arizona, especially not after Sunday.

Thought #3- Can someone please get Michigan athletic director Bill Martin some passes to the guest area so he doesn't have to keep pushing college girls around to get in? On two occasions, when failing to produce the proper credentials to enter the guest area of the press box, Martin reportedly shoved the students running the gate out of the way in order to get in rather than just wait to have the matter cleared up. Being the AD I would imagine that would have taken all of what, 20, 30 seconds? I mean I know it must have been a shot to the old ego to have the college aged gate keepers not recognize you, but did you really need to get to that complimentary cocktail shrimp tray that bad? I know you couldn't have been in that big of a hurry to watch this year's Wolverines play. Were you afraid you'd get stuck with just getting the broken up Fritos or that someone would have already snagged all the Twix and Zagnuts from the candy tray and you'd be stuck eating those little butterscotch candies? I know those things suck and the dark chocolate M&Ms go fast but I don't think it's worth bullying up an undergrad for.

Brandon Spikes adds a new twist to punishments and other thoughts from the Porch!

Mon, 9 Nov, 2009 12:19:10 GMT

Thought #1- Was it part of Brandon Spikes "self imposed" punishment that he had to stand on the sideline wearing that ridiculous looking hat? I really hope so. I swear if that thing had a "M" on it instead of an "F" I would have thought it was Super Mario's hat from when he turns into fire throwing Mario. Honestly though, I think this is a trend that should catch on across the sports world. If you do something stupid, you have to not only sit out on the sideline, but wear something as awful as whatever act you committed. Think about it. You get suspended for a dirty hit, you wear parachute pants for a day. Get busted with pot, you have to dress as a 80 year old, members only jacket, shorts with high dark socks, and Velcro shoes required. And for more serious offenses like Spikes, well that calls for the Zebra print snuggie. Try playing the role of the tough guy while rocking that hideous thing. Bottom line, you embarrassed your team, now you should be embarrassed. I really hope this catches on.

Thought #2 - So it took what, a week and a half for Allen Iverson to get upset coming off the bench? I guess that's a week and a half longer than most of us expected. Having AI on your team is like dating a high maintenance girl, you talk yourself into thinking you can handle it, but as soon as you get that 3am phone call with her crying because of the sad episode of the OC she just watched, you realize you're in far over your head. You back off and let some other poor sap play that role. Well Memphis, today you are that poor sap. Detroit tried to warn you, but you thought you could handle this high maintenance veteran, who refuses to realize he's no longer AI, he's just Allen. Maybe next time you should considered actually calling those character references when a guy applies for a job.

Thought #3- I may have spoken to soon last night when I was elated over the fact that Notre Dame lost to Navy. It turns out the combined loses of Iowa, Oregon, and Notre Dame may have opened up the window for both Boise St. and TCU to get into BCS bowl games. Now, nothing against either of those teams, but I'm pretty sure this is just more evidence of what a strange and disappointing season this has become. I mean look at the standings, doesn't it remind you of a video game where you challenge yourself and your buddies to run the table with some of the lower teams? Seeing TCU, Boise, and Cincy up there, just looks awkward.

Thought #4 - Did the Green Bay Packers lose to the Tennessee Volunteers today? I swear I heard Rocky Top at some point in those highlights. Throwbacks are just out of control this season. It's like using a pepper shaker, you got to use the sprinkle feature, just a dab here or there spices things up just right. But you open that pour tab, you've just ruin your green bean casserole. A throw back here and there is a good thing, but the NFL has definitely opened the pour tab this season. Props to the Bucs for getting their first win though. I'm not nearly as surprised that they won, as I am that it wasn't against the Redskins.

Thought #5 - I'm not a big fan of claiming that sports are rigged or even manipulated by the officiating, but if I was, I'd be flipping out over what's gone on in the SEC this season. In yesterday's LSU - Alabama game, a clear interception was ruled an incomplete pass, both on the field and in the replay booth. Does the SEC really want that highly anticipated Alabama - Florida match up bad enough to swing a call here or there? Hmm, it's just sad that we even pause when we answer that question.

Thought #6- Was that Tony Romo I just saw interviewed or a 1920's race car driver? Hmm, with a hat like that, makes me wonder what Romo is punishing himself for.

Sammy goes MJ and we owe a couple of teams a big Thank you.

Sun, 8 Nov, 2009 06:15:48 GMT

Thought #1 - Retirement can be tough, especially for athletes. Some put on weight, some play golf, and some just disappear. Sammy Sosa may be working towards the latter of these options. Recently Sosa showed up in the news looking far more white than usual. Listen Sammy, I know you aren't working outside as much as you used to be, but you got to get out of the house some buddy. I mean mix in a walk or mowing you yard or something. The last thing you want to do is to go Michael Jackson on us and turn into a white 50 year old woman. Man you have fallen off, 10 years ago you were a cult hero and today you are best known for randomly losing the ability to speak English. You really don't need to add fading to invisible to your resume. Get outside, mix in some Frisbee golf or something man.

Thought #2 - We all owe Louisiana Tech a big thank you. Yeah they didn't beat Boise State on Friday night, but they came close and that should be enough to debunk any talk of them in the National Title game. I know we all love the thought of an underdog wrecking the traditional party, but realistically that's about as far as it goes. None of us really want to watch Boise play Texas or Florida. It's like watching your little brother play pick up basketball, you love to talk about that one great play he made against the 6' 5" guy but you ain't picking him up on your team. We love to talk about the little guy, but let's be honest, we aren't tuning in to watch them in January.

Thought #3 - We also owe a big thanks to Navy for beating Notre Dame, giving them their third lose and eliminating them from all the BCS talk. This is basically like kicking Lou Holtz in the crotch. Every week we listen as he claims that Notre Dame has the credentials to be considered amongst the elite of college football. Its ridiculous and now its over. By the way, do you ever think Dr. Lou might be the love child of Mr. Magoo and Simon from Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Thought #4 - Jose Canseco has come out and said he wants to fight Alex Rodriguez. Jose said he would beat A-Rod "to a pulp." Doesn't Jose remind you of that crazy cousin, who you purposefully do not invite to family events, but yet he always seems to show up? You know, you're all having a good time, then in walks crazy uncle Jose, he eats all the veggie dip, insults your grandma, and proceeds to dominate the conversation by rattling off his high school i stats. We all sit and listen, secertly just wishing he would head back to the local strip club and drink himself into his normal stupor. Please just stop talking Jose.

The Back Porch podcast = Nov. 5!

Fri, 6 Nov, 2009 06:59:35 GMT

Highs and lows from the week, a look ahead, and more.

Check it out and drop your thoughts!

Fans have their say and guns are dangerous.

Thu, 5 Nov, 2009 03:04:21 GMT

Thought #1 - Browns owner Randy Lerner met with a couple of fans Tuesday to discuss the problems the team was having and hear their concerns. This was of course on the heals of the announcement that fans were planning an organized late arrival to their next home game on November 16. Now supposedly the two fans felt that their conversation went great and really felt like their concerns were heard. Right. I have a hard time seeing this as anything but a publicity stunt. It reminds me of those student councils you had in middle school, remember those? The school advertised that it was a place to have the students voice heard, when in hindsight well all know they really just wanted to make sure they had some kids parents on the hook for bringing snacks for the Sadie Hawkins Dance. So kids ran for office, talked about how their were going to change the school, get rid of homework, and get the no gum rule removed. They even had regular meetings with the Principal, where they "voiced" their opinions. And after all that show, what happened? We had crazy hat day on Friday, where if you paid a dollar you could wear a hat and not get yelled at. Thank you student council. Maybe Lerner did actually consider what they said and maybe things will change. But if I was you Cleveland, I would start looking for a dollar funny hat to wear on Friday.

Thought #2 - Fans are also speaking out in Kansas City, this time though its against just one player. Larry Johnson is 75 yards away from breaking the team's all time rushing record and fans aren't happy. In fact they have started an online protest to convince the team to deactivate him before this happens. Wow, Larry, that's a shot. They don't want a record that you were ever there. The fans, your supporters, want no lasting memory of you. That's like looking in an ex girl friends locker and seeing those pictures of you and her, only your face is now cut out. I'm guess that will be the scene around the Chiefs facilities in the near future. Kids will tour it and ask, "why is number 27's face covered up with a giant smiley face sticker?" And parents will respond, "Well it all started with an over hyped Penn State player...."

Thought #3 - Dodger's pitcher Vicente Padilla is recovering nicely after accidentally being shot in the leg at a shooting range in Nicaragua. Padilla was actually shot by his instructor while he was attempted to un-jam Padilla's gun. The instructor claimed he didn't know the gun was loaded as his reason for being careless with the weapon. Now I've taken like one gun safety class in my life but I distinctly remember there being two big rules; always treat a gun like it's loaded and don't shoot people in the leg. Maybe this is one of those do as I say, not as I do moments? Or maybe a shady Nicaraguan shooting range isn't the best place to spend your off season.

A memory, a thought, and a prayer of thanksgiving

Wed, 4 Nov, 2009 02:48:18 GMT

Thought #1 - Once I got in trouble at school and my teacher called my dad at work. Now you know how serious things suddenly become when you have interrupted your father's work day and you know what's coming when you get home. You sit and pray that school won't end that day, that your bus will break down, or that by some miracle you Dad has to work late and you'll be in bed by the time he gets home. Now with all these thoughts running through my 6 year old head, I devised a plan. As I heard my Dad come down the hall I prepared myself and the moment he opened up my door, I hit him with, "Dad, I've saved you the trouble and already spanked myself. I just didn't want you to have to bother with it. You're welcome." Isn't exactly what Urban Myer did with the suspension of Brandon Spikes? Didn't he see the NCAA coming down on him, and think, "umm, no need fellas, I took care of it, he's suspended a half game." Nice Urban. Your guy goes WWE on another players face, potentially scarring him for life, and you decide he should sit all of 30 minutes. Fortunately for Urban, the NCAA is far more pro saving Florida's season, than my dad was pro saving the skin on my butt.

Thought #2 - So what's worse than taking crystal meth? Taking crystal meth while wearing a wig. Andre Agassi admitted the other day that he actually sported a wig for part of the 90's and at one point was even afraid to go all out in a match for fear that it might fall off. Wait, so you're telling me you paid money for that hair? You purchased that? Dude looked like he was hiding a small Pomeranian under that hat. I mean if I'm buying a wig, I'm getting something sweet. An afro, a sweet mo-hawk, or maybe even a sweet 90's fade. Definitely not dropping coin on a wet stringy mullet. Then again you were all coked up on trailor crack, so who am I to judge.

Thought #3 - Before I go to bed tonight I need to remember to thank God that I wasn't raised a Cleveland fan.

Busy day, more tomorrow.....

Manu mans up, Starbury gets the boot, and other Halloween fallout.

Mon, 2 Nov, 2009 02:04:23 GMT

Thought #1 - I hope Manu Ginobili dressed as Crocodile Dundee for Halloween last night after the game. If you didn't catch it, there was a bat loose in the AT&T Center during last nights Kings - Spurs match up. Now I don't claim to know much about how to run an NBA arena, but seriously San Antonio? You have a bat problem? And on Halloween, none the less? Come on guys, were you really struggling that bad to come up with some between quarters entertainment? Did that quick change couple that changes clothes under hula hoops bail on you at the last second? Could you not just have that ridiculous looking Fox dunk off a trampoline? The last thing you need is to have Manu out there on his jello ankles trying to wrangle that thing, although he did a pretty sweet job of it. Almost makes you think he done this before. Now I'm just wondering how long befor the PETA protest against Manu begins.

Thought #2 - We've all done it. We've all bought crappy tickets to a game and then spent the better part of the first half trying to spot some empty better seats. We've all been the seat hawker and there is no shame in that. Well, unless you are a former player for the team you are going to see. Stephon Marbury might disagree with me here. Last night Steph got booted from the Garden after attempting to sit in a front row seat that was not his. Did you really think they wouldn't notice you there buddy? Granted you wore a hate to hide your signature head tat, but still you're pretty recognizable. When the usher busted him and told him to return to his second row seat, he simply walked out of the arena. I guess Starbury is above that. You know, Stephon has created his own special brand of crazy. In fact, he's basically the Cold Stone Creamery of crazy, and this is just another mix-in. You know, you start with a base of Vaseline eating, add a head tat, a pair of those plastic toy shoes he created, and sprinkle in a little seat hawking at the Garden, and Bam! You have yourself a nice bowl of "I've lost my freaking mind and will never play in the league again." I recommend getting the "like it" size unless you have an extremely good therapist.

Thought #3- Plenty of star athletes get in vehicle related trouble. Speeding, DUIs, and sometimes much worse. Nebraska stud nose tackle Ndamukong Suh may have brought us an all knew low. Suh was ticketed this morning for "negligent driving" after running into 3 parked cars with his Land Rover. I'm not sure the world negligent really covers this one. Negligent makes me think that somehow he just innocently didn't know how to not hit parked cars. I mean I'm pretty sure that's like rule number two or three in Driver's Ed. It goes, check the mirrors, bucket the seat belt, and don't hit stuff. Can an officer write a ticket for a person just being a moron? Also, what the heck is a college kid doing driving a Land Rover? The rest of the student body is rolling around in folk's old Volvo wagon or duct tape covered Relient K and Suh's banging into them with a $40,000 Rover. Tell me again that college players don't get perks? Obviously the Rover is to much car for the nose tackle so I propose that for the rest of this school year he be forced to ride a scooter, helmet mandatory, goggles optional.

Thought #4 - I was kind of disappointed in the games last night. I only got to see one really close game and that was the Miami - Wake Forest game, which Wake wins if Skinner doesn't basically get his head snapped off after losing his helmet. What's with that anyway? How come there are about 15 helmets on the ground during every game I watch? Are we not teaching kids how to use buttons or something? Is it becoming trendy to get an over-sized helmet, kind of like baggy jeans, or one of those awful giant tees? Seems kind of like the guy who pulls the seat belt strap over his shoulder so he won't get pulled over, but refuses to buckle it in. Pointless and dangerous.

Thought #5 - I like that the umpires for the game last night talked about how that camera was in the way, but yet didn't make anyone move it. How lazy is that. "Umm, so that camera is kinda sticking out there, should we try to move it?" "Well I ain't walking all the way out there are you?" "Screw it, we'll just call it a home run if someone hits it, but shh don't tell anyone. Let's go get some nachos." Good call baseball. Yet again a horrible officiating decision has over shadowed a good game.

Happy Halloween! Top 5 Scary Sports Folks & Top 5 Nightmares

Sun, 1 Nov, 2009 04:04:42 GMT

Thought #1- It sucks that you can't buy those cheap plastic Halloween costumes anymore. You remember, the ones that came with the mask that looked like a plastic paper plate with eye holes and was held on with that string that would no doubt break by the time you got to your third house. You also didn't get a mouth hole, so you just spent the entire night with your lips pressed against that thing, just covering it with spit. On top of that I think the outfits were made out of the same material the Slip and Slide was made out of, making them completely non-breathable. So you ended your night holding your drool covered mask on with one hand, candy in the other, completely drenched with sweat, and not looking a dang thing like Batman. Man, what a night!

Thought #2- Top 5 Scariest Sports Personalities

5. - Serena Williams. Not only is she absolutely huge and extremely strong, she also has a completely crazy mean streak in her as we saw when she threaten to shove a tennis ball down the line judge's throat this year at the U.S. Open. Giant woman + racket + crazy = scary.

4. - Dennis Rodman. Rodman reminds me of one of those gothic dressing kids I knew in high school. The amount of effort that goes into him creeping us all out is amazing, just like those kids. Once I asked a girl in my English class, who was donning the white face paint, black lip stick, and ripped fish nets, if she spent all that time dressing up like that on a random Saturday, when she would just be laying around the house or if she secertly just threw on some old Chicago Bears sweats and a Tee. She hissed at me. Just like her, Rodman goes all out to scare you and me, he's covered in tats, has a ridiculous temper, and once even wore a wedding dress. Tell me if you are stuck in an elevator with "the Worm", you aren't shaking?

#3 - Lawrence Taylor. Giant linebackers are scary. Giant linebackers who enjoy causing pain and who are all coked up on the field are freaking terrifying. Not only is he going to crush you, he's going to do it over and over again and never get tired. Pretty sure you best bet is to play dead, or at least stand really still and hope that he thinks you are a tree.

#2 - Al Davis. Not only does Al have the potential to completely wreck your favorite team by blowing coin on awful free agents and blowing draft picks on flashy big armed quarterbacks who can't read defenses and speedy wide outs with lobster claws for hands, he also looks a lot like the evil emperor from Star Wars. In fact, we any of us really be surprised if we found out the dude has been dead for like 5 years now and what we are seeing now is actually a robot engineered by the Russians to ruin America one football franchise at a time? Think about it, those velvet jumpsuits would be pretty easy to hide some robot parts under. Old greasy men are scary, old greasy men with a lot of power are really scary, and old greasy men with a lot of power and who might possibly be robots are nightmarish.

#1 - Mike Tyson. Despite how nice Tyson seemed in the Hangover, anyone with a face tattoo obviously has some issues. The worst part is, just like any true nutball, he thinks he is completely sane. Not only are you a convicted sex offender Mike, you also tried to eat Evander Holyfield's ear. You tried to go Hannibal Lecter on dude's face during a match. There is no coming back from that. I mean that has to change a man right? It's like when a vampire tastes blood and then just goes nuts craving it until it gets more. I mean today its an ear, tomorrow a toe, then its a pretty slippery sloop till you find yourself salting up Ray Liotta's brain. There are a lot of things I'm scared of but getting eaten by a large man with a face tattoo tops it all.

Thought #3 - Top 5 Sports Nightmares. (things that would cause you to wake up at 3am in a cold sweat)

5. - Dan Snyder and Al Davis have a genetically engineered baby and that baby is put in charge of your favorite NFL team. ( it's nightmare, it doesn't have to make sense, just be scary.)

4. -John Madden funds a medical miracle that allows Brett Farve to not only live forever, but to play football forever, even though each year he threatens to retire whipping the entire summer into a media frenzy of you watching jets take off and Favre throw footballs to those high school kids. The NFL also puts in place the "all time QB" rule, so now Favre can play for multiple teams during the same season and creates a John Madden hologram that pops out of your tv during the game and to constantly tell you how great Favre is. (once again, dreams don't always make sense.)

3. - The WNBA finally gets canned, "wait," you say, "I thought we were doing nightmares here." To make up for this the NBA is forced to go co-ed, combining all the teams and begins to play by those same crappy rules you had to play under during your college co-ed rec league. Remember those? Gotta have a girl on the court at all times, so you just picked that you knew didn't really want to play and told her to go stand in the corner. Now image the Lakers doing that with Sue Bird, or Sheryl Swoops, or that really pretty girl that used to play for Tennessee but whose name I can't remember because it's never been important. Scary, well unless you get to guard her.

2. -It's Super Bowl Sunday, your favorite team has made the game, and every television in your house gets stuck on the Fox Soccer channel. You run out of your house and to your favorite sports bar where you find all your buddies sitting watching the Soccer match, cheering emphatically, and wearing I heart Beckham shirts. You try to leave, but the doors are all locked and you are forced to watch 6 hours of a herd of guys chasing a ball around a field, and only scoring two goals. Oh, your team wins the Super Bowl on a last second play.

1. - The Dallas Cowboys get sued by the ACLU and are forced to replace their cheerleaders with an all male squad, who wear the same uniforms, do the same dances, and flirt with old guys in the stands just as much. *(even worse in the nightmare is that you are only one of your buddies who seems to notice or care, awful.)

Honorable Mention:
You wake up, look in the mirror, and realize you have Chris Kaman's hair. By the way, why doesn't he get a gig doing Geico commercials?

Best Halloween Candy -
Winner: Reeses' Pieces hands down.
Runner up: Take 5
Honorable mention: Dark Chocolate Peanut M&Ms

Happy Halloween.

Deputy Shaq is on the prowl and more thoughts from the Back Porch

Sat, 31 Oct, 2009 12:47:19 GMT

Thought #1 - Things seem pretty bad in the city of Cleveland right now. The Indians were awful, the Browns have A win, and now the Cavs are even stumbling through the first couple games of their season. But never fear C-Town, I have found your bright spot and his name is... Deputy Shaq ! That's right Shaquille O'Neal has applied to be a "special deputy" in the Cuyahoga County Sheriff's office. O'Neal will be able to carry a gun and even make arrests. Feel a little better now Cleveland? Isn't it comforting to know Kazaam is watching over you tonight as you sleep? You know who is probably not down with this, Delonte West. Dude better stay on his toes in the locker room now. I mean Shaq may ask to borrow some Old Spice, start digging through the wrong bag, and bam! Find one of old Mad Max's ozzies underneath that sweet multi zipper leather jacket and wrapped up in a newspaper. Tread lightly Delonte, it ain't going down on Deputy Shaq's watch.

Thought #2 - When I was a kid we also had Diet Coke in the house. No Mountain Dew, no Dr. Pepper, and not even those sweet off brands like Dr. Perky or Mountain Lighting. We also generally had Pepperoni Pizza from Little Caeser's not Pizza Hut,(typically it was the Big Foot, remember that thing, it seemed huge as a 8 year old) Also, we watched Nascar on Sundays, not cartoons or movies, Nascar. And do you know why? Because those were the things my dad liked and he payed the bills. Now this taught me a very valuable lesson, the same lesson that Jeff Fisher has just learned in Tennessee. He who cuts the checks, gets what he wants. Titan's owner Bud Adams came out earlier this week and said he wanted Vince Young to start, and you know who is starting Sunday.... Vince Young. That's just the way it goes Jeff, make the best of it. And sure listening to the oldies station on long rode trips sucks look at the bright side, you'll know all the words to Crocodile Rock the next time you go to karaoke.

Thought #3 - Tim Donaghy reminds me a lot of the kids I spend everyday with. I give one silent lunch for throwing paper and he imediately drops the. "but, Mr. Williams, he threw a pencil!" or I tell one to stop talking and its, "but they're talking too!" Timmy, who has been busted for all kinds of gambling related wrong doings, has decided it's a good idea to come out and tell the world that all kinds of refs were in the same sinking boat with him. He was defiantly was this kid in school. Guarantee you he was the kid who finally got invited to sneak up to the roof at school to smoke cigarettes during wood shop, was dumb enough to go off bragging loudly about it, get busted, and then rat on everyone else who was up there. Seriously Timmy, did you think wood shop teacher even cared? Dude's only goal was for us to leave every day with our thumbs attached and here you go putting him in that kind of position. Donaghy is just making himself look ridiculous and he had better careful those other refs don't catch him in the locker room with out the PE teacher around or he'll have a one way ticket to a butt whopping and a sweet swirly in that gross locker room toilet.

Thought #4 - Nascar driver A.J. Allmendinger was charged with a DUI on Thursday. On Friday Nascar gave A.J. a breath test prior to practice at Talladega. Good call Nascar. Most people who get busted for drinking and driving spend the next day throwing down shots, especially if they have to go to work. Either they think A.J. is a complete moron or this is just another classic Nascar dog and pony show. It's not like he went Miguel Cabrera that night and was so tanked he would still be buzzing two days later either, he just had a couple drinks and got pulled over. Now I'm not justifying what he did, just saying that testing him seems far more like a check for Nascar on the old self righteous meter than it does an necessary pre-cautious measure.

Thought #5 - Pretty sure there is a small wide life refuge living in Baron Davis beard right now. Hopefully he at least has a duck-billed platypus in there so he can get some money from the government.

The Back Porch podcast for Oct. 29!

Fri, 30 Oct, 2009 01:13:19 GMT

Highs and lows from the week, a little look ahead and some very important questions!

Might not work on here again for some odd reason. If not, follow the link!!!

The Back Porch Podcast!

Mike Leach is anti "little fat girlfriends" and Cleveland faces the classic case of the late bloomer.

Thu, 29 Oct, 2009 01:22:18 GMT

Thought #1 - Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach wants his players to stop listening so much to their "fat little girlfriends." In fact he blames his players listening to this particular group of ladies for lackluster performance in their loss to Texas A&M over the weekend. Now what exactly the girls were saying to distract the fellas is unknown, but this does beg the question: What the heck are division 1 football doing dating little fat girls!? Whatever happened to dating cheerleaders or dance team members? I really think we are taking this whole equal opportunity thing a bit far guys, have a little self respect, you're not on a bowling team, you're football players. Plus, if you date the little fat girls, who are all the frat guys going to hit on at 2am as they stand, completely lit, in that after hours pizza line? Come on, don't rob them of a awkward morning of shame. Your coach is right, quit listening to them, aim higher on the hotness scale, and win some games.

Thought #2 - Employee number 8 makes baskets but apparently the market for selling those baskets isn't doing so hot. Antoine Walker is at least 4 million in debt and is wanted in Vegas for writing bad checks. How in the world does this happen? How does the guy who when asked why he shot so many threes replied "because there are no 4 pointers," get to this point? How does anyone who was ever on the cover of a video game, Toine donned the cover of NBA Live 99, ever go in debt at all? Now granted employee number 8's baskets look a lot more like those plastic premade Wal-Mart easter baskets these days. You know the ones with a 10 cent toy car, a plastic football, and some generic marshmallow peeps inside. Gross. Getting a basket like that can completely ruin a child's faith in the bunny. With that said Toine, break out the #8 badge, head back to the factory, and whip up some big wicker baskets, the kind grandmas with too much money buy and put fake cat tails in. Oh and you better make a bunch and quick too, I hear it's hard to work when your knee caps are broken.

Thought #3 - The Carolina Panthers have officially announced that Jake Delhomme will remain under center for at least one more game. So it looks like 18 is not the magic number of INTs that gets a QB fired. Go figure. Head Coach Jon Fox has insisted that it's not just one guy causes the Panther's to fall from a Super Bowl contender to a team that's considered just a hair better than the Rams, and that's arguable. With that said, Fox is sticking by his guy. Listen, its time to take this car back to the junk yard and see what they will give you for the parts. You've been nursing it to long and right now you sound a lot like Dan Ackroyd in Ghostbusters when he rolls up in Ectomobile, with a list of parts needed. I mean I understand, every family has that car they just can't care to part with. You replace the battery, the starter, and the alternator. Then the brakes go, the tranny needs work, and you lose a cylinder. Piece by piece you try and duck tape that beast together, just for the sake of keeping it running and because you can't bare the thought of letting go. Problem is, it's a money pit, Jake's your money pit Jon. You can keep on thinking you're going to be able to go "Pimp my Ride" on him, overhauling his broken down self, and dropping a flat screen and popcorn maker in the backseat, but you know good and well he's going to leave you stranded in a bad neighborhood every Sunday, having to walk home and probably getting your wallet stolen on the way. Wise up Jon, take him to the yard and say goodbye.

Thought #4 - You remember that girl you dated for about 2 weeks in 7th grade? Remember how she was cool, not real pretty, but fun to take to that one Soc-Hop? And remember that day you chose to go play Super Nintendo instead of seeing Titanic with her and how that was the end of it all? Now, flash forward 4 years and remember how that same girl has fully developed into the smoking hot homecoming queen, meanwhile you are still playing Super Nintendo? Yeah, the "late bloomer" will get you every time, makes you sick to think about still doesn't it? Well I'm sure that's exactly how the Cleveland Indians are feeling right now as they watch two of their former pitchers square off in the World Series. As Cleveland watches Cliff Lee and CC Sabathia walk onto that stage tonight and except all the glory that comes with that plastic crown and sash, the rest of Cleveland will sit in the stands, thinking about how if only they had sacrificed a little more and this could have been theirs. Oh the late bloomer, who knew. Sad, so sad. Oh well C-town, let's go play some Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball.

Larry Johnson plays the role of speed-o guy and NBA predictions

Wed, 28 Oct, 2009 01:10:23 GMT

Thought #1 - Do you ever go to the beach and run into speedo guy? You know, the guy who for reasons known only to himself has decided to share with the world the upper most sections of his thighs while at at the same time giving us a pretty good idea of everything else the good Lord gave him. Of course it doesn't help that dude is generally 50 pounds over wieght and covered white goop from the sunscreen he won't fully rub in. Do you ever wonder if he realizes there are other people at the beach that can see him? Children, grandmothers, possibly even nuns could be there and this dude is just flopping it all out there likes he's at his own private little resort, with no one there but his wife, also covered in the goop, reading her trashy novel.

Larry Johnson has a lot of speedy guy in him. If you didn't catch it Larry dropped numerous gay slurs on twitter recently, which sent the entire political correctness community into a frenzy. Larry, do you not realize people everywhere can read twitter? Do you not realize that people generally take offense to slurs, no matter what the intent is? Do you not realize that the Chiefs, while absolutely awful, aren't going to put up with this just for your 2.7 yards per carry and 0 touchdowns? Seriously, you got to think before you start flopping it out there like that. The only thing worse than being a completely underachieving athlete, is being an offensive underachieving athlete. Yeah you apologized, but its to late. Just like speedy guy, that image gets burned into folk's minds and you can scrub all day, but you won't get it out.

Thought #2 - I apologize for putting speedo guy in everyone's head but I'll try to make up for it by saying, Minka Kelly, Megan Fox, and Kate Hudson. Better?

Thought #3 - Tony Romo had his annual "game good enough to keep my job for the season" game Sunday. I suppose he will have a couple more before it gets to late in the season and the Cowboys actually need wins.

Thought #4 - Nascar drivers Kurt Busch and Joey Logano dropped into WWE Monday Night Raw last night in Buffalo and attempted to offend Bills fans by mentioning their lack of Super Bowl appearances and their lack of success bringing in T.O. If only someone had slaughter a deer, the holy trinity of Redneck would have been complete.

Thought #5 - Andre Agassi admitted to using crystal meth during his career in an autobiography. This is sad, but it does explain his hair and dangling earring at the time. Plus it probably made making that camera commercial with all the paint easier.

NBA Preview & Predictions:

#1 - Three teams will dominate the East, the Cavs, Magic, and Celtics. Shaq and Rasheed will fit in nicely with the Celtics and Magic, and if Vince Carter finally realizes that just because 100,000 middle schoolers vote him into the All Star game every year it doesn't make him an elite player, he'll do fine too.

#2 - Role players will make a huge impact for all three of the Eastern Conference front runners. Brandon Bass and Jason Williams should help fill some gaps for the Magic. Rondo and Daniels should help the Cs, Big Baby too especially since he started his MMA training, dare I mention a young Shaq-Fu? (by the way, he already has a broken thumb thanks to this, nice Big Baby.) As for the Cavs, if Delonte West can escape the Thunderdome in time to produce solid minutes, he should be able to give Cleveland some solid bench minutes, or at the very least a sweet leather jacket with multiple zippers.

#3 - The Spurs will finally realize they are old. Granted, Duncan has already been playing old man hoops with that sweet turn around bank shot his entire career, still think the wear and tear of this year will get to him. Ginoblli is no doubt going to roll something by X-mas while Tony Parker, despite what they say, is not an elite point. I do think Richard Jefferson will help and Blair will be a stud eventually but will that be enough to hang with the Lakers and Utah? They will compete this year, but they will also reek of Ben-Gay.

#4 - The Clippers have a great line up on paper and will come out of the gate hot. Then they will realize they are the J.V. Lakers, get tired of having to line up in that cheer line as Kobe and Artest take the floor, and fade to the 7th or 8th seed in the playoffs. Sorry fellas, you should really think of relocating.

#5 - Speaking of the Lakers, I think we are due for another Ron Artest explosion. I can't say when exactly, but it's kind of like sitting there before your birthday party and watching your dad prove his manhood to himself by over blowing up balloons. Sooner or later somethings going to pop, and we're all going to try and not let him see us laugh. Cant wait.

#6 - You currently know one player on the Rockets starting line up and you know that player best for his college play, not NBA play. Don't expect this to change unless T-Mac finds some magical anit-suck potion.

#7 - At least 5 times this year you will say to yourself, "oh yeah, there is a team in Oklahoma City now." It's not that they are that bad either, its just they are in an odd market and picked a crappy team name.

#8 - Allen Iverson will continue his downhill spiral and continue to not acknowledge it. I would say he will end the season on another team, but he's kind of out of awful teams looking for a way to sell jerseys. Possibly the Flint Tropics?

#9 - TNT will spend millions of dollars promoting shows during NBA games that, not only will you never watch, you will know hear of anyone one watching. How the heck does The Closer stay on the air and good shows like Boston Common get canceled?

#10 - Blake Griffin and Stephen Curry will get the early season hype, but by the All Star game we'll be watching Johnny Flynn and Tyreke Evans as possible rookie of the year guys.

Question of the Night:

Best NBA Jam Squad?????

I might just have to take the Charlotte Hornets. LJ, Zo, and Dell Curry dropping threes.

The long trip home, Bob Griese talks Nascar, and more Sunday thoughts.

Mon, 26 Oct, 2009 02:55:30 GMT

Thought #1- Once over X-Mas vacation I went to visit a girl who lived a few hours away and who proceeded to break up with me the last day I was visiting her. The 3 hours drive home took about 12 hours. Not only did it rain, there were an abundance of elderly people in giant cars on the road, and of course every radio station I flipped to was constantly blasting "Lady Marmalade" for reason. It was awful. As bad as that was though, I can only imagine how bad it must feel to have to fly back from England, barely able to sit because your butt is completely blistered from the thrashing you just took. You know I'm not exactly sure why we are always so bent on sending our football across the pond, but I doubt we're going to win many Brits over sending them three hours of the Bucs getting rolled. I mean that's kind of like wanting to share how great American food is with the world, but instead of sending an Outback steak, we ship them a fish sandwich from a Waffle House.

Thought #2 - If was 1960 and he was in some backwoods bar in Mississippi the comment Bob Griese made about Juan Pablo Montoya being "out for a taco" might have only seemed semi horrible. Now dropping that on a national telecast in 2009 ups the ante just a little bit. Of course it was nice that he later tried to make up for the racial slur by claiming Montoya was one of the best drivers in NASCAR, which is funny considering the entire point of his earlier comment was that Montoya was not in the top 5 drivers. Hmm, nice Bob. Way to cover yourself. You might as well have just told me that my girl friend has pretty eyes or that my new car is very practical. You know, its all about knowing your audience and unless your hanging out behind some Moose Lodge in southern Arkansas, dressed in a bed sheet and Rustler jeans, that comment is probably not going to fly. Guessing your bid to cover the Olympics this winter isn't going to work out either. Although, to be honest, it would be interesting to hear you drop some waffle comments on team Belgium or some hot chocolate references on the Swish.

Thought #3- This whole baseball instant replay situation is getting out of control. I'm not sure why on Earth you would turn down the chance to get things right, for the sake of keeping the tradition of human error. The technology is obviously there, but yet baseball doesn't want it. Let's just be thankful the baseball geniuses are running the rest of the world. We'd all be churning our own butter and washing our clothes in a pail. It's sad when the biggest stories of the baseball post season is the missed calls, but with no way to correct a call, expect this to continue in the World Series.

Thought #4 - It's official Sam Bradford will enter the draft this coming April. How far will he drop and how much money will this mediocre at best college football season cost him are both yet to be determined. I will say this, it's hard to pay the sticker price on a dented car, and even harder when that car has a couple dents and a reputation for needing the alternator replaced after 2,500 miles. Durability is the name of the game with high draft pick and right now Sammy, you have some issues. Maybe there is some sweet factory warranty Dr. James Andrews can toss in there once he's done stitching you up. If not, it could be a long Brady Quinn like wait for you at the table in April.

Thought #5 - Andre Johnson, I'm sorry. I drafted you on my fantasy league team, so your injury today can undoubtedly be chalked up to me. I know it sucks, but I guess you know how Yao Ming feels now.

Thought #6 - Carolina has raised the bar in finding new ways for teams I like to lose, can't wait to see how the Redskins attempt to top them tomorrow night.

Thought #6 - NBA preview coming soon, plus more reflections from the weekend.

Question: Best sports video game ever?

Breaking News! Breaking someone's jaw is now legal in Cali! & other pre-game thoughts

Sat, 24 Oct, 2009 07:00:49 GMT

Thought #1 - So apparently breaking someones jaw is not a crime. Tom Cable was officially cleared of any charges related to his "run in" with assistant coach Randy Hanson earlier this year. Apparently the Napa County DA determined that the run in was kind of like two reporters shoving each other to gain a better position in a crowd. Now I get that reporters do that to get the best coverage of a story but what exactly was Cable trying to get to? Was there only one blueberry cake doughnut left? Isn't this always the case with the bully who wears black jeans? You watch them beat up some skinny kid and steal his roll at lunch on steak and gravy Monday and by Wednesday where is he? Right back in the lunch room, pounding those generic gas station cheese and meat sticks and Yahoo, which you know he stole from some other skinny kid. Listen, Randy Hanson's jaw didn't break itself so Napa County, you might want to man up and investigate this a little more before Tom shoves JaMarcus Russel in a locker. Ok, I'm sorry, thats just ridiculous. There is no way we are going to find a locker that big.

Thought #2 - Apparently the south will not be "rising" again. Ole Miss has shortened their fight song in an attempt to discourage it's fans from chanting this, as was their previous tradition. Now I get the political correctness behind this move, but more so I get that former Netscape CEO Jim Barksdale donated 100 million dollars to the school and wants the chant abandoned. Just like Winston Zedamore said in Ghostbusters, "If there's a steady pay check, I'll believe anything you say." Ole Miss, you do what you want, but don't claim it's to make things right, when it's really about getting an extra soft serve machine in the team locker room.

Thought #3 - Is there any way that Boise State and TCU can both lose today so we can leave all the non-BCS conference talk behind us? Its not that I'm anti the smaller schools, I just don't feel like dealing with it. It's kind of like when that absolutely awful kid tries out for the basketball team and the coach really doesn't want to cut him and break his heart, but hopes and prays to God that he doesn't show up the second day of try outs. Thing is you know that kid is showing up everyday, early too, ready to go with his fresh Rawlings ball shoes and matching shorts and sleeveless shirt outfit. The only thing the coach can really do is offer him the position of team manager, as if its not just a dressed up term for water boy. So that's what we can offer you Boise and BYU, positions in the Continental Tire or Music City Bowl. But don't worry, just like with the manager position, we'll dress them up for you, give you a watch, tee-shirt, and maybe even spurge for post game pizza from Ci Cis

Today's Picks with Guest picker Joey Conrad

Joeys winners - Iowa, Mich, Miami, UVA, LSU, Ark, Ariz, Oregon, Texas, TCU, Bama, and the Beavers!!!

Travis' winners - Iowa, Penn St., Miami, Ga Tech, Lsu, Ole Miss, Wash, Texas, TCU, Bama, and USC.

I think Tenn will give Bama a run, but won't have the offensive weapons to compete over the course of the game.

Washington will sneak up on Oregon today and Locker will have a big day.

I hope, I really hope the Miss St. can surprise Florida tonight, especially with them having some defensive starters out. Also hope the Beavers work on USC, but thats more just out of spite.

More later....

.

The Back Porch podcast!

Fri, 23 Oct, 2009 01:27:33 GMT

This weeks highs and lows, a few previews of the weekend, and other random deep thoughts on shallow subjects. A little choppy, so thank you garage band. Drop your thoughts.
The Back Porch PodCast or Listen Here

Some days you just don't get the whole morning rountine in, right Manny?

Thu, 22 Oct, 2009 03:02:11 GMT

Thought #1 - While the Dodgers were busy dropping game 4 thanks to a Jimmy Rollins double, Manny Ramirez was busy singing "Bananas in Pajamas" in the clubhouse as he showered. After being pulled late in the game Monday night, Manny decided it was best to go ahead get the good shower before it got all slimy and that mystery hair covered bar of soap that no one ever claims showed up. A lot of people are giving Manny a hard time about this, but we've all been there. We've all been in Manny's shoes, just think about it. We all have our own routines in the morning and most of which, I hope, include a couple swipes of the gel stick. We get so used to this routine we could do it in our sleep, and sometimes we do. Then there is that one day, you're at work, it's about noon, and you catch a whiff of something. You first reaction is, "somebody made a Burger King run and ain't tell me," but then you realize no one around you is eating. You check your shoes, you try walking a few feet away to see if its just in one spot, and then it hits you... you don't exactly remember whether or not you got those swipes of Old Spice this morning. This is probably what happened to Man Ram, only difference is he could fix it unlike you, who will spend the rest of the day trying to swipe the plug in from the lounge and somehow apply it to your pits. Manny might have even tried to hold out for a little while, but you know once the fellas starting asking, "who's eating nachos?" it got a little embarrassing. Joe Torre did come out and say it wasn't a big deal to him, so you'd guess he was wondering when the french onion dip arrived as well.

Thought #2 - The SEC has come up and suspended the group of officials who officiated the Florida - Arkansas game over the weekend. After reviewing the film, the SEC could not find any solid reason for Malcolm Sheppard's unsportsmanlike penalty late in the game. Oh, and by the way, Florida was rallying to win the game at the time. Now this is the same crew that made a similar call in the LSU-GA game earlier in the year, you remember the one where the guy jumped up after scoring and kind of hugged someone. To be honest, I'm not really sure how these guys are getting flagged mean while Timmy Tebow is going buck wild after nearly every first down. i mean I feel like the dude is about to burst a vessel every time he gains five yards, but yet, no call. What's the deal refs? Does the SEC need that Alabama-Florida match up at the end of the season that bad? And is this little sympathy card and slap on the wrist really supposed to make the Razorbacks feel better about dropping what could have been one of the biggest wins of their program? Keep your fruit basket and balloons SEC, just start getting it right.

Thought #3 - The NBA season is just around the corner which means its time for a little preview... that will come tomorrow. Tonight a more pressing issue. Which NBA endorsed shoe is the absolute worst?
Here are some thoughts so far.

The Shawn Kemp Kamikaze

The Kobe "Baked Potato"

The Rodman's

Oh and the best:

Penny's

Space Jam Jordan's

The Grandmama Johnson's

Thoughts and other suggestions welcome.

Thought #4 - The Back Porch podcast shall return tomorrow to get you all hyped and ready for another great sports weekend!

Spurrier and the tricky tape and Jermaine O'Neal's return to luke warmness.

Wed, 21 Oct, 2009 01:10:14 GMT

Thought #1 - Steve Spurrier is calling foul on Alabama. Spurrier claims in reviewing the film from Saturday's 20-6 lose he saw the holder put, what looked like, a piece of tape on the ground in the spot where the ball would be placed. Oh, its the old tape under the ball trick. You're right Steve, that's what got you Saturday. It wasn't Mark Ingram rushing for nearly 250 yards on his own, while your guys only managed 64 together, it was the tape underneath the ball on a routine 25 yard field goal. Listen Steve, this may be news to you, but you don't have to say everything that pops into your head. I mean we all have those crazy, "well this is why we lost" thoughts, but we don't all share. Maybe you switched seats and the other team went on a run, or maybe you ate tequitos, instead of your pregame traditional hot pocket and your team looked flat. Hey, it happens to us all. The difference is we, unlike the old ball coach, keep these thoughts to ourselves. So Steve, just pack this one away back under the sun visor and keep the ridiculousness to yourself.

Thought #2 - Jermaine O'Neal has come out and proclaimed that he will get "back" to dominating his position this year. Hmm, does this mean I can get "back" to dating Megan Fox, or that Dennis Rodman can get "back" to being sober and sane, or that Greg Oden can go "back" to being healthy? Can you really make a return trip to a new destination? Jermaine, the only place you can get back to is being my wasted 2004 fantasy league pick, and I won't let that happen. (I got a whole line of guys waiting for me to waste picks on them this year, hello Yao Ming.) Listen buddy, it's just time to just suck it up, become a role player on a good team, and hope for the best. Under promise and over deliver, that should be your phrase to live by.

Thought #3- The Broncos are sick, Eddie Royal is a beast, Kyle Orten isn't as awful as we thought.... yet, and the retro uniforms are still ugly for the most part, but at least the league is getting their money's worth out of them.
Oh and on a side note from last night's game, word to the wise San Diego, get rid of LT now while there as still a few people foolish enough to buy into him not being worn out. Heck, I'm sure the Skins will take him, they love to pay players just as they cash in for retirement.

Washington's break up strategy with Zorn, fall of the Sanchise, and Lebron got the swine.

Tue, 20 Oct, 2009 01:27:42 GMT

Thought #1 - Jim Zorn isn't getting dumped by the Redskins, worse, he's getting the "slowly back away" treatment. Fellas, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You've been dating that girl a while and you're over it. You want out but, if you dump her, you're the bad guy. So what do you do? You slowly back off. First its no longer calling every night, then it's skipping that assumed Friday night date to hang out with your boys. Pretty soon she catches on, calls you on it, and walks away, leaving you as the dumpee, not the dumper. Now you can play that sweet "I just got dumped" card with other girls. This is actually what Washington wants. First it's bringing in an "extra set of eyes" and now Zorn has officially been stripped on his play calling duties. Piece by piece the Redskins are backing off, just hoping that the day comes when Zorn finds himself with his only duties being making sure Clinton Portis's socks are folded correctly and Chris Cooley's facebook page is updated regularly, and up and leaves. The Washington can play the "our coach walked away" card, instead of the "we canned your tail" card. Nice, good thinking Skins, its always more marketable to be the victim.

Thought #2 - You ever try one of those conundrums? Like a cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays two days, and leaves on Friday? Well I got one for ya: How does a team give up only 16 points, have a running back that goes over 200 yards, and yet still lose a game? Answer: Have a quarterback throw 5 interceptions in a single game. Mark Sanchez successfully pulled off this feat yesterday, helping the once Super Bowl destined Jets to a lose 16 -13 to the Bills. Now Sanchez went to USC and hasn't had many chances, if any, at playing in cold weather games, but really dude, 5 picks? That's dangerously close to Rex Grossman numbers. Interestingly enough no less than two weeks ago we were all referring to him as the "Sanchise" and proclaiming him to be the second coming of Broadway Joe, while at the same time questioning whether Tom Brady was still Tom Brady. Well, while Sanchez threw 5 picks, Tom threw 5 TDs...in one quarter. Granted it was against the Titans, who could might could make a strong run at winning the MAC this year, but it was still impressive. It's a long season, plenty can change, lesson learned.

Thought #3- Have you noticed how anyone who is sick these days, instantly has the swine flu? Reportedly Lebron James had the swine last week...or a ingrown toenail, they weren't really sure. The guy was sick for two days so obviously it had to be the swine, I mean no one gets sick in the fall, especially not in that balmy Cleveland climate. You know, just because you get a sniffle, you aren't carrying the H1N1. Just because you woke up with a headache and feeling sluggish, not sure you are automatically a swine victim. In fact, it's probably just a Monday. Now I know that it is out there and we do have to take precautions, but is there anyway we could set a limit on the number of times in a day a grown man can use hand sanitizer? I'd like to be able to shake someones hand with out walking away with a goopy palm, reeking of baby diaper. I did enjoy King James getting questioned by reporters on this issue. When asked if he was contagious, he replied, "I don't know, if you get sick I guess we'll know."

Thought #4- I like how one good postseason can totally erase A-Rod's career of awful play after the regular season ends. I mean really, did I hear the phrase "Mr. October" uttered? Come on, one good season doesn't make up for a history of sucking. If it did, we'd all be on the professional miniature golf circuit. We've all had that one magical game, where the windmill didn't get us, and we chose the right hole on crazy multi-hole 15. And while, we all wish that was everyday, we all know it's just our flash in the man moment, so we should enjoy the moment and the giant stuffed Sponge Bob we won. Enjoy your moment A-Rod, but you're going to need a few more before you can claim reign of the post season.

Throught #5 - Yesterday we learned the Saints are legit, both offensively and defensively, thanks to Gregg Williams (nice job there Skins.) Tonight I see a similar contest between the Broncos and the Chargers. Personally I think the Chargers are the Eagles of the west and by that I mean every year, they are picked to be the "it" team. The sexy Super Bowl pick. I think Elvis will have a field day on Phillip Rivers and the Broncos will roll, but I also thought the Giants would do well yesterday, so what do I know.

Thoughts on Another Sunday Morning Coming Down

Sun, 18 Oct, 2009 08:28:23 GMT

Thought #1- Life is all about making the right decision at the right time, especially when it comes to money. Think about it, if you were to have bought stock in those heat activated color changing sweat shirts back in the late 80's, you could have made a small fortune selling off your stock in 93. The same could be said for that neon colored sun block, you remember, the kind you didn't rub in and just kind of let glowing on your nose. When if comes to investment decisions, its all about timing and that fact just slapped Sam Bradford in the face yesterday. Someone please get Sam a receipt for around 10 million dollars, because that's basically what the dude just dropped on spending another season in college. Had Sam came out last year, he would have easily completed for the top spot in the draft, granted he might have had to live in Detroit, but still, he would have cashed in. Now after re-injuring his throwing shoulder, his stock will no doubt drop, possibly making him the 4th or 5th QB selected in this year's draft and costing him millions. So someone please print Sam that receipt and maybe he can at least get like a tax write off or something. Oh, and can you hear the massive amounts of scribbling from all of this year's underclassmen filling out their draft paper work?

Thought #2 - A few years ago I watched a Ga Tech team come into Blacksburg with a very obvious plan, throw the ball to Calvin Johnson. I knew, the Hokies new it, everyone in the stadium knew it. Despite this, Calvin lit Tech up that day in a totally dominating performance that included a couple touchdowns and over 100 yards receiving. Last night I saw the same thing play out as the Hokies went to Atlanta. We all knew Nesbitt was going to run the ball, we all knew about the triple option, and yet, Va. Tech seemed to be surprised by it? I mean that's like buying a ticket to one of the 8 Saw movies and then walking out disgusted because you saw blood or eating at that cheap Mexican restaurant around the corner, ordering a fish taco, and then being surprised three hours later when you're bent over a toilet and can't breath. What the heck did you expect Tech? What did you do this week at practice? I mean Ga Tech did exactly the same thing they have done all year, over and over again, and why wouldn't they? They racked up over 300 yards and 28 points doing so while only completing 1 pass. No excuses Hokies, you knew it was coming and yet you ordered that fish taco anyway.

Thought #3 - Is just getting close to winning enough to keep Charlie Weis in a job? Notre Dame failed yet again to beat USC, even after getting a magical second returned to the clock at the end of the game. It's hard to imagine a fan base being happy with barely beating unranked teams and then dropping a game like this, especially since this was they year Weis felt like they actually could win. I'm guessing Domer alum isn't going to be to happy about this, or the looming fact that they should expect to make a trip to the Continental Tire Bowl this Christmas. Yeah, sorry Chuck, but it's very likely there will be a whole lot of huge Irish hoodies donated as sleeping bags for the local South Bend hobos this winter.

Thought #4 - Stephon Marbury has come out and said he will sit out this season and "shut everything down." This coming after he turned town the Celtics 1.3 million dollar offer.This kind of sounds like the girl who gets upset and won't go on a date with you because you didn't make a huge deal out of asking her? You know she wants flowers, dinner, and for you to ask her to the movies on one knee or via candy gram or something. So when when you just text, "GI Joe @ 8?" she blows up on you and threatens to not go. Yeah, that's what Stephon's doing right now. Just wishing and hoping someone drops down on a knee and says, "nah Steph, you can't sit out, you're a star." Listen here's the deal, very few teams are going to beg for you and your special brand of crazy to join their team. That 3 points per game you offer isn't going to offset how creeped out your teammates are going to be when they look over at halftime and catch you digging through the medical bags, hunting more Vaseline to eat. Nobody's going to beg for that man, but if you do want to sit out, please work up some more designs for your line of plastic ball shoes.

Thought #5 - Today's thoughts:

Thank you SC TV people for showing me Panthers-Bucs instead of Giants-Saints. Good call, I would much rather watch this train wreck of a game than a potential NFC championship match up.

I do like the Giants over the Saints. I think the defenses will tell the tale of this game and I just have more faith in the Giants. Plus when in doubt, I'll typically go with a Manning brother, unless it's Cooper.

Is it possible I will get sucked in to watching yet another Redskins' game? Yeah, probably. This week they continue their trend of playing teams who haven't won a game yet, which is good news for the Chiefs. My prediction is that the Skins will barely win and if they don't John Riggins will walk on to the field and punch Jim Zorn in the throat.

Flacco vs. Favre? Should be a fun contest, although I think this game is more Peterson vs. the Ravens Defense.

It will be interesting to see if the Seahawks can keep up their pace against the Cards today. Also, I think the Falcons will out play the Bears tonight.

More later....

Saturday Pre-Game

Sat, 17 Oct, 2009 09:55:48 GMT

Thought #1- I hold firmly to my opinion that Colt and Sam are two of the best names for a quarterback playing in Texas or Oklahoma, but after a morning of hearing those two names together about a billzillion times some other thoughts have crossed my mind.

Let's try something and see if it's just me. Close you eyes and say over and over again, Colt and Sam, Colt and Sam, Colt and Sam. Now, what are you picturing? Is it two lovable cartoon dogs, who have adventures, get into a little light hearted trouble, while learning and teaching us all valuable life lessons? You know, "Colt and Sam meet Timmy, the new kid" Will they become friends or will they make fun of him for bringing his Bible to school? Or "Colt and Sam take the big test", will Sam convince Colt not to cheat on his wonderlic exam? Or the ever popular "Colt and Sam and the pranks gone wrong," where the two learn about consequences after toilet papering Urban Myer's yard and leaving a bag of flaming poop outside Mike Leach's front door.

Can you see this or is it just me? Hmm, sad thing is I kind of want to read that one with Mike Leach in it. He probably wouldn't be a cartoon dog though, probably like a bear or a beaver or something. Oh and obviously dressed as a pirate. With that said, Sam and Colt are great southwest football names. Kids will names like that are born wearing the red practice jersey.

Thought #2 - Today should be a great day for football. So a few predictions:

Oklahoma over Texas. I think Oklahoma will be looser and I don't know that Texas has really been challenged this season, they really seemed to struggle last week in the first half against Colorado. Although, if Colt and Shipley start hooking up they do have the potential to roll up a lot of points in a hurry.

Notre Dame will get rolled. Sorry Charlie you know good and well that Pete Carroll is not over looking this game, especially since you actually said your team thinks they can win this year. Not smart buddy, you might as well have put a target on your own back.

Florida and Alabama better be careful. Both play teams in Arkansas and South Carolina that could sneak up on them although I think there is a much better chance that this happens to Florida. I'm still not convinced that they are the top team in the country. They just seem luke warm to me and even though they got that big win against LSU last week, I'm not sold.

And if Va Tech has their head on straight again, they will roll on Ga Tech. Although if the Hokie team shows up that played Duke a couple weeks ago, Nesbitt will very likely punch them in the mouth and end any hopes they have of working their way into a national title game. Offensively I'm hoping Ryan Williams gets off and Tyrod finally starts finding Boone more often. That dude is a beast, get him the ball. Defensively they have to tackle properly even when they get tired, if Nesbitt gets into the secondary, he's a hard man to bring down.

More later.....

Riggins thoughts has he does yard work and Jerry Jones plays it safe.

Sat, 17 Oct, 2009 01:22:34 GMT

Thought #1- I'm not the only person dissapointed with the Redskins, apparently John Riggins is right there with me. Not only did he come out this week and basically claim that Jim Zorn is done in Washington, he also was kind enough to offer him alternative employment. Riggins came out, via you tube video, and said said Zorn can't really cut it in the pros, but that he would be happy to have him coach his son's high school team and that Zorn would probably do well coaching some "ankle biters." Nice, Riggo, way to let the dude down easy. Although if he take you up on this offer I hope your kid's high school has the budget to pay for massive amounts of hair gel and plenty of gross windsuits because Lord knows Jim will need those to survive. I'll be honest the best part of this video segment was Riggins posing beside his freshly cut pile of wood. It was a nice little episode of deep thoughts with John as he does his yard work. Can't wait to see what John's thoughts are this week as he replaces a toilet.

Thought #2 - Chad Ochocinco loves attention. In fact he loves attention so much he's willing to pay money to ensure his team is on TV. This week Chad played a key role in buying 1,200 tickets to the Bengals - Texans to ensure that the game would not be blacked out on local TV. The Bengals are 4-1 this year and are on most people's list of teams that can actually compete and they can't even get on local TV? Cincy, what is wrong with you? I know you've been disappointed in the past, I know that Ohio kind of sucks to live in because it is constantly gray there, and I know that it kind of sucks to have to buy that hideous looking orange and black apparel, but seriously, go watch your team play. My gosh, what am I saying, you're just waiting for the return of the Bungles. You might as well just hold out until Ochocinco drops his own coin on your ticket.

Thought #3- Jerry Jones has came out and declared that Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips will NOT be fired during the season this year. While most people believe this is because Jones never fires a coach during the season or that he still has some faith in what Wade is doing in Dallas, I know what really is happening here. If you haven't noticed Wade bares a striking resemblance to the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. We all saw what that dude did in Ghostbusters when he got pissed. My bet is Jones just spent all that money on a new stadium and there's no way he wants dude stomping all over that thing. I mean if that giant TV gets covered in white goop, there's no way it's working right come Sunday, and I know insurance ain't covering it. Way to play it safe Jerry. Save your money for another facial.

Thought #4 - I need to try and watch more baseball right now if for no other reason than to see random shots of Minka Kelly and Kate Hudson. Man I wish I played for the Yankees.

Thought #5 - Fox and Burger King have both apologized for a skit making fun of Jessica Simpson and her "supposed" weight gain. Let's be real honest here Jessica, you had one thing going for you and that was being hot. You made a living off of wearing short shorts and low cut tees, so you have to know better when you start packing on the LBs. I mean lets face it, if a great quarterback suddenly can't throw the ball, he gets criticized, if a pitcher blows out his arm, hes done, and if you get fat, well what do you expect to happen? Listen, if you don't respect your gift and take care of it, God will take it away. So word to the wise, don't get fat.

The Back Porch podcast

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 03:41:20 GMT

The official Back Porch podcast for 10-15-09

A look back, a look ahead. Everything you need to prep for your tailgating chatter. Come listen and drop your thoughts!

Mid-week thoughts and the booming Cleveland housing market.

Thu, 15 Oct, 2009 12:50:07 GMT

Thought #1- Brady Quinn may not be on the market, but his house is. The former Notre Dame QB's home went up for sale almost exactly one week before the NFL trading deadline. Brown's head coach Eric Mangini claims the team has no intentions of trading the recently demoted QB and Quinn claims it was mostly to make his commute to work a little shorter. That's probably a good call since dude stands to lose about 11 million dollars if he doesn't take 70% of the snaps this season and gas ain't getting any cheaper. All I'm saying is I don't exactly see Jamal Lewis dropping a 5 spot on Brady and his only other real option will be the Cleveland transit. I mean Brady it's going to be a tight fit between that passed out fat guy and the lady with the crying baby. Probably going to have to stuff the shoulder pads under the seat. Oh and don't even try to stand up in those cleats or you'll be skating right into that sketchy drunk who has no destination and is just along for the ride. Yeah if you don't want to show up to practice reeking of Old Crow Whiskey, I would suggest just sitting still. Good luck with the house selling soon Brady but until then just remember, correct change only.

Thought #2- The New England Patriots just signed 40 year old Junior Seau for yet another run at playing linebacker for them. This will be Seau's 20th year in the league. Let's think about this for a second, that means dude has most likely been playing football, one of the roughest sports ever, longer than I've been alive. That's freaking impressive. Of course the last time I saw this guy he was attempting to tackle a 2,000 pound bull, so I guess getting back into the league was considered to be the "safe" retirement option. Oh and just to ease your mind, his hit show, "Sports Jobs with Junior Seau" will continue to air on Verses. Whew! Thank goodness, what else would I do with that half hour at 3am?

Thought #3 - I already can't wait for the games this weekend, I've been slightly giddy since Monday actually. Football makes life better.

Thought #4 - Podcast tomorrow, be ready!

Dre Bly cries and Tom Cable MAY be in trouble. Drop your thoughts.

Wed, 14 Oct, 2009 01:29:45 GMT

Thought #1 I’m pretty sure 49er’s head coach Mike Singletary made Dre Bly cry yesterday. Over the weekend Bly got stripped of the ball while trying to break out some 1995 Deion Sanders moves. Following the game, which was a lose to the Falcons, Bly didn’t seem very sorry, in fact he pretty much just said he likes to have fun, so what? By Monday Bly had done a sweet 180 by the time he held a press conference apology. So what happen exactly? Pretty sure the same thing that happened every time your mom told you to just wait until you Dad came home. You remember those days. You’d been Hell to deal with all day, threw a fit in the grocery store when she wouldn’t buy you that Ninja Turtle pie, (you know, the one with the green ooze in it), spent all afternoon playing Contra, and successfully chewed, and spit out, every piece of gum you could swipe from her purse. When she said,”just wait till your father gets home.” You laughed, “ha I don’t.” Two hours and one a bright red butt later you showed quite a bit more remorse. Pretty sure that’s what Dre just went through, Papa Singletary took off his belt and suddenly dancing wasn’t so much fun. Easy Dre, suck up those tears or he’ll give you something to cry about.

Thought #2 – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has come out and said they MAY punish Raiders’ head coach Tom Cable for breaking an assistants jaw while threatening to murder him. Ah, I see how this works. Coaches and players always have different rules I suppose. I mean didn’t they when you were in school? Didn’t your pack an hour football coach warn you of the dangers of smoking? Didn’t your baseball coach accidentally get dip spit on you when ranting about how you weren’t allowed to chew? And didn’t your basketball coach forbid going out to the after party while secretly, or so he thought, sipping vodka from a coke can? Yeah Goodell you MIGHT want to step in when one of your coaching is tossing his staff around like they were wrestling buddies. You MIGHT want to say something to a team of a franchise, albeit an awful one, who is dropping first degree threats on guys. MAYBE, just MAYBE take a look at this.

Thought #3 – The Golden State Warriors have asked Steven Jackson to relinquish his title as captain after getting in an outburst in Friday nights game against the Lakers. Question: How bad does your team have to be for Steven Jackson to carry the “C” for your guys? I guess the answer is “as bad as the Warriors,’ but still this seems like a stretch. You’re talking about a career 15 and 6 guy, who’s constantly shipped around, and looks like he should be doing local commercials for some low budget personal injury lawyer. Please tell just drew names out of Don Nelson’s hat for this.

Thought #4 – Chad Henne played great last night. And now for a weeks worth of coverage stating Henne as the next Marino. As my friend Nick pointed out to me today, Henne will be completely over hyped for the next week or so in a very Romo-like fashion. I agree, until further notice he’s on “flash in the pan” status in my book. Let’s just hope he can milk a b list celebrity date or two out of it before he fizzles out.

Thought #5 – The NFL trade deadline is in one week and Brady Quinn’s name keeps popping up. The latest team interested seems to be the Raiders. Pretty sure if I was Brady I would sooner just work at the student center back at Notre Dame, but that’s up to him. On the other hand, it would probably benefit JaMarcus Russel to see a quarterback who actually uses the equipment in the weight room for something besides a bench to sit on during his daily pancake power hour.

Baseball thoughts and Ex-Bears make good.

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:53:49 GMT

Thought #1 – Hobos around the world spent this weekend mourning the wasteful lose of hundreds of gallons of booze as 3 of the four MLB playoff series wrapped up. The Dodgers, Angels, and Yankees all swept their respective opponents over the weekend and then proceeded to jump around, hug each other, and shower themselves with various types of alcohol so much so that I wondered if I was watching a team who just won a first round playoff series or a Real World Miami reunion, oh Tek-Money what ever happened to you. Seriously though, doesn’t this seem to be a little much? I mean a week ago the same celebrations went down for simply making the playoffs, you’ve barely had enough time to sober up. And what exactly are you celebrating? Making to the next round? Show me the ring you get for that. I’m pretty sure I didn’t see the Celtics going Animal House on themselves last year when they beat the Bulls. Also don’t remember the Steelers popping corks after beating the Chargers last year. Listen, its good to be happy, its good to celebrate, but just like my 8th grade football coach used to tell guys when they scored touchdowns, act like you’ve been there before. So Major League Baseball, act like you’ve been there before, which by the way, you were last weekend.

Thought #2 – Why on earth is the MLB against replay? Two plays were horribly miscalled this weekend, both of which could have very quickly been reversed with a simple replay system. Are we still playing that “human error adds to the purity of the game” card here? How exactly does getting calls wrong make things pure? I mean doesn’t it make it kind of worse seeing how a guy like me can sit on his couch a thousand miles away and watch your professional umpires blatant mistakes over and over? That’s like saying we shouldn’t have an appeals process because it ruins the purity of our court system, ridiculous. The other argument is that it will slow down the game. You’re right baseball, Heaven forbid that a baseball game last 4 hours and 10 minutes instead of just the normal 4 hours. Pretty sure if I can tell in about 30 seconds that a call is wrong, a pro should be able to as well. Plus, am I supposed to feel good, even when my team loses on a bad call, just because I got to crash a half hour earlier or catch the last 15 minutes of CSI? Come on baseball, show a little effort here.

Thought #3 – If you are a struggling NFL team you know what you need to get? Some former Chicago Bears. Chicago is apparently playing the role of the set up man in the NFL these days, priming players, letting them sow their wild oats, and then shipping them off to get hitched by the next pretty thing that gives them a look. Kyle Orton threw for over 300 yards and two touchdowns against the Pats, while fellow former Bear and party boat expert Cedric Benson became to first back to put up a hundred years on the Ravens defense. All I can say is that I really hope the Redskins make a push to get Devin Hester.

Thought #4 – I know West Virginia fans have their own post-game celebration of burning large amounts of furniture, and while I don’t really get it, it’s your deal so I let it go. Now as for your pregame routine, I believe some of you alumni are taking it a bit to far. Hopefully by now you saw former Moutaineer fullback Owen Schmitt go WWE on his own head before the game Sunday. The guy looked like he had just come out of a cage match with Ric Flair, and this was before a single snap. Nice WVU alum, way to represent. Now enjoy watching your laz-e-boy go up in flames.

Quick NFL thoughts: The Broncos and Bengals are more legit than we thought. The Pats and Cowboys aren’t. Tom Brady is very worried about his knee. A Manning verses Manning Super Bowl is very likely, and I’m pretty sure Mike Singletary made Dre Bly cry, more on that later.

Tom Cable is scary

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:51:47 GMT

Thought #1 – Tom Cable is a man of his word, at least according to Randy Hanson’s account he is. Hanson has broken his silence and begun to share the details of his WWE esque encounter with the Raiders’ head coach. These details include Cable blindsiding Hanson, throwing him into some furniture, breaking his jaw, and threatening to “bleeping” kill him. Now Hanson’s not dead, but it should be pointed out that Cable never said when he would kill Hanson, just that he would, and frankly, I believe him. I mean have you ever seen a picture of this guy? He’s the type of guy that probably had a mustache in the 4th grade. You remember that kid, he was scary, he wore black jeans and ate those generic gas station meat sticks for lunch everyday. Rumor was he spent his free time burning stuffed animals and torturing baby birds. Now you didn’t dare cross this kid, and Hanson shouldn’t have dare crossed Cable, just ask his jaw how that worked out for him. As for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, he is laying low on this one for now, claiming to want the investigation to be completed before he acts. That’s smart Roger. Heck, maybe by the time they figure out what actually happened the Raiders will have been demoted to the defunked NFL Europe and it won’t even be your problem. As for Cable, he wants to let the legal process play out and claims this will not be a distraction to the team. I believe that. I believe the Raiders can suck just like normal regardless of all the media frenzy.

Thought #2 – The LSU-Florida game was not as close as the score showed. Watching that game you never had the thought that LSU was ever really in it, which shouldn’t surprise us, they were a little over ranked anyway. This does provide Florida with a straight shot at being undefeated by the time the SEC Championship game comes around. They only play one more ranked opponent before then, South Carolina at #25, and who knows if they will still be ranked by then.

Thought #3- I think the Tim Tebow concussion crap was completely over played. I get that concussions are serious, but I’m pretty sure they knew he was going to be good to go about mid week but wanted to play a little cat and mouse with LSU. The dude played a good game and the only real question about Timmy’s head was exactly how he keep his hair standing straight up like that. I mean everybody else gets a sweet case of helmet hair after a game while Timmy can still rock the perfectly angled flat top, how is this?

Thought #4 – Today’s games:

Can’t wait to see if the Broncos are for real today against the Pats. So far they have been this year’s version of the Cardinals, but their only really test has been against the luke warm Cowboys. Fred Taylor, who has helped overhaul New England’s run game is out, so that could benefit Denver, who barely gives up run yards anyway. This does make me wonder; what ever happened to Laurence Maroney?

49ers – Falcons should be a fun game. Both of these teams are probably better than most of us give them credit for.

In the battle of crappy teams Travis likes, the Panthers will have a chance to right their season against an awful Redskins team, who only have wins thanks to playing the division 3 squads of the Rams and Bucs so far this year.

That Colts-Titans game looked a lot better on paper in August than it looks tonight. The Titans defense has really fallen off the map this year and Kerry Collins is on his last few miles of tread I believe. Indy will roll on them and Peyton, well Peyton will be Peyton.

Thought #5: As I watch the Redskins blow another game to a team that has gone winless thus far this season I’m wondering; why do I always end up pulling for you Washington? You’re like that girl, who is completely unstable and slightly crazy, but yet is always willing to hang out when I’m bored. So I spend some time with you, tricking myself into thinking you’ll be fun this time and won’t be a waste of a Sunday afternoon. For a while things go well, we’re hanging out laughing and having a good time, looks like a winner. But then it happens, you start taking about your past and your alcoholic ex-boyfriend comes up. One step at a time the frustration builds and you start to lose control. It’s like I’m watching a slow motion train wreck and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The wheels come off, the tears start to flow, and I instantly become furious with myself for spending this time with you, rather than alone playing Madden. You are that girl Washington and yet I’ll probably see you again next weekend.

Crotch shots, Kate Hudson, and I get mad at golf.

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:50:30 GMT

Thought #1- Question: What’s worse than dropping a routine fly ball and costing your team a game in the playoffs? Answer: Doing all that and getting popped in the junk. Just ask Matt Holliday who completely misjudged a fly ball the other night, catching it in the crotch rather than his glove. Now I don’t think there is a guy in the world who hasn’t gotten tagged at some point during a sporting event, but we all know, its all in how you react. Some of us choose to play it off as if we are made of steel. The downside of this is that if you end up throwing up, you’re probably going to be called a douche bag. Others chose to take the comedic approach and make loud whooping noises. Of course if you don’t accompany these noises with a few witty comments, there’s a good chance you could be called a douche bag as well. It’s a delicate situation to say the least. I will say that I appreciate God putting in that little 30 second window between the tagging and the sick feeling. It’s kind of like God saying, “ok you got 30 seconds before it hits, get some where safe, preferably near a toilet, trashcan, or at the very least an old Wendy’s bag.”

Thought #2 – Some people are already complaining that they are seeing too much of Kate Hudson on T.V. during the Yankees games. I call those people idiots. Can you really ever show me too much of Kate? I mean honestly, did you see Fool’s Gold, good lord. I could, however, go with a little less Jay-Z, although he is rocking Harry Carry’s old glasses these days so its not all bad. Funny how the more popular you are, the weirder you can dress and you’re considered “trendy” not stupid. Guarantee Jay-Z could show up to that game in a snuggie and a cowboy hat and still be money.

By the way, I wonder what that conversation is like during the game. I mean what do Kate and Jay-Z talk about? “So Jay did you um see umm How to lose a guy in 10 days?.” “Why yes Kate, but what I really liked you in was Raising Helen, that was delightful.” Oh to be a fly on the wall. Anyway, thank you A-Rod for providing me with some happy moments between pitches.

Thought #3- I’m not sure if Tim Tebow will play or not, but I’m sure the dude wants to. I’m always sure that if he does and gets injured again, heads will roll. You know exactly what I mean too, people that haven’t seen a football game in their lives will be shouting from mountains about the abuses on student athletes. I feel like he will get to play, and most likely play well, because that’s what Timmy does.

Thought #4- I went to turn on my T.V. to watch the Va. Tech game on the affiliate station here that is supposed to carry it just to find out that the local station is choosing to run golf instead. Now I have nothing against the sport of golf, in fact I’ve enjoy playing the sport before and have mad respect for anyone who is good at it. But…..golf on my T.V. when it’s football season is something I am against. In fact, have you ever noticed golf is always in T.V.? Who is watching all this coverage? In my whole life I’ve known about 8 people who have gotten excited about watching golf on t.v., and that was like middle of the summer Saturdays when its either that or some random Jackie Chan movie. I feel like golf is just hanging out there hoping and praying someone gives in and tunes in. It’s like that awful kid at the gym, who stands around shooting on the side goal, just hoping and praying that the guys playing pick up only have 9 or someone playing will roll an ankle and they’ll will be forced to give him a shot. You know this kid. He’s rocking running shoes, brought his own rubber Final Four ball that he got at Pizza Hut, and doesn’t have the ability to make a lay up, but yet he is there all the time, just wishing and hoping. Yeah, I feel like this is golf in the t.v. world, just putting it out there all the freaking time, hoping, by some miracle all the college football games get shut off and someone chooses to watch golf instead of TBS’s weekly airing of Hitch. Sorry golf, I like you, but I love football and Will Smith movies.

Back Porch Podcast - Oct. 8 2009

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:47:55 GMT

A look back at the week and a look ahead. Take a listen and drop your thoughts!

Shoe Poll Coming soon!!!

Back Porch Pod Cast Oct. 8 Click to Listen!!!

Hmm, see if you can find this week’s magical Travis error.

Lebron rules C-town and Rap starts help young stars, kinda.

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:46:06 GMT

Thought #1 – Lebron owns the city of Cleveland, and Braylon Edwards, you are no longer welcome there. How fast was the turn around on this? What was it all of 24 hours after getting into it with one of the King’s friends that Edwards is shipped off to the Jets? That’s got to be some kind of a record. I guess its official though, Lebron is the one good thing that city has going for it sports wise and the heck if they are going to let a guy who dropped 39 balls last year mess that up. Now Lebron, what can you do about Mangini?

Thought #2 – The best part of that whole exchange, which I should have guessed it would be, was Rex Ryan’s interview. Rex stressed that Braylon would be able to relax and have a good time as a Jet and that would really help him out on the field. So wait, dude has slide in two years from one of the best receivers to a guy who could barely catch the swine flu if he was trapped in a suana with the Ole Miss football team, is currently under investigation for a bar fight, and your main concern is him relax and having a good time? I think if I was you, my main concern would be getting my hands on some of that gunk Orlando Jones had all over his hands in the Replacements not making sure Braylon knows how to relax, pretty sure he’s been doing a darn good job of that in Cleveland for a while now.

Thought #3 – When all else fails, M.C. Hammer will come and bail you out. This year’s biggest rookie hold out, Michael Crabtree, finally signed with the 49ers this morning thanks to a little help from a guy in some sweet golden parachute pants. Maybe he was finally able to make it clear to Crabtree that no play = no pay, and with the possibility of a hold out in the near future it could be quite some time for Mike got another chance at a pay check. Head Coach Mike Singletary said it was a “fair deal” for both sides, while Hammer simply said “you got to pray just to make it today.” I really hope Hammer showed up to that meeting with the giant golden “H” chain on and the sports coat with the giant shoulder pads in it. Nothing says you mean business like that.

Thought #4- Speaking of gold chains and former rap “stars,” apparently hanging out with Deion Sanders isn’t as cool as it used to be. Oklahoma State wide receiver Dez Bryant has been ruled ineligible for this season after lying about going to Sanders home and working out with him. That’s embarrassing Prime Time. Dez basically just gave you a pity jog, then denied it. Yup, you’re officially that old guy at the rec, trying to slide in and lift with the young guys from local high school, mean while creeping all the high school girls out by being a little helpful in your demonstration of proper squat techniques. Granted, Dez shouldn’t have lied about spending time with you, but he was still in the running for homecoming court at that point, so I understand where he was coming from.

Thought #5 – Pod cast tomorrow hopefully. A look back, a look ahead, and we’ll pitch the suggestions from shoes. Will Karl’s L.A. Lights make a run? Or will it be Shawn Kemp’s Reebok? We shall see.

Pro Stars, Ol' Bobby and more

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:42:56 GMT

Thought #1 – ESPN is officially starting their “30 for 30? series tonight with a film on Wayne Gretzky’s exit from the Edmonton. Now granted outside of the month after each Mighty Ducks movie came out, I’ve never really paid attention to hockey. You remember those days, we all bought roller blades and plastic street pucks. You probably even bragged to your friends that you could shoot a knuckle puck, and talked about dekeing (sp?)like you had a clue what the heck it meant. (Lord knows I did.) But the bottom line is that despite never watching a hockey game, we all loved Wayne, he was our token hockey star, and we ever hung up that mini poster we bought at the book fair to prove it. I can’t tell you many stats on the great, but I can tell you his most impressive feat to me, being a Pro Star. When he joined forces with Bo Jackson and Michael Jordan to fight crime, that was magic. Least we forget, he also had rocket powered roller blades. Awesome! He truly was the great one.

Thought #2- Is Bobby Bowden going to retire? I doubt it. I think he’s actually passed that “enjoy a nice retirement” age, where you leave your job, buy a boat, and start taking in the early bird T-Bone for half price. No, he passed that long ago and entered the “going work till you die one day on the job” age bracket. I mean if Bobby retires, what’s he going to do? Fish? Golf? Walk circles around the mall in matching FSU windsuits with his wife? Yeah, no way, not Bobby. Guys like him and Jo Pa, the day they walk away from coaching, they just keep on walking up towards Heaven. So FSU fan, you better just suck it up, cause I don’t think Bobby is ready for heaven just yet and you darn sure ain’t going to fire him.

Thought #3-The SEC has officially apologized for the excessive celebration penalties in the LSU-GA game on Saturday. I’ll be honest, until today I thought I was just missing the highlight of the penalty itself. I mean I kept watching and watching and I saw a guy jump, and I saw a guy hug another guy, and I really thought I was just catching the wrong clips. Am I wrong or didn’t we go through this same mess last year in the Pac 10? Why do we care if people celebrate anyway? So what, a guy scores and gets excited, maybe even pumps his fist or does a little dance, so what? I mean obviously we kind of like it, if it’s a good dance we’ll surly talk about on the ride home and then of course we will try to mimic it at Thanksgiving when we score on our 12 year old cousins. It’s stupid to change a game over something like this, but thanks for the thought SEC. Thanks for the nice note and stuffed mini bulldog you sent. Season’s kinda screwed, but all better now.

Thoughts about last night:

Brett Farve is still Bret Farve, at least for the first part of the year. Let’s not forget he did this last year too. He had an amazing week 4 last year, 6 touchdowns in fact, but he’s body just couldn’t hang in there for the long run. At least Berrian is healthy again, the deep ball threat should be a help for Brett, although could it get the best of him? Hmm.

Rogers is a very good quarterback but it’s hard to play on your butt. Seriously Green Bay line, I know you’re banged up, but 8 sacks is ridiculous.

And by the way, Jarad Allen got 4.5 of those on his own. That’s one dude Packers. One dude who you knew was going to tear it up going into that game and you let him run wild. Granted, he has a mullet, and those are intimidating, so I can’t blame you but so much.

Update: The Bo Jackson Nike cross trainers have been nominated by James for best shoe. Good call on those, I really miss all that “Bo knows” stuff, and the K-mart knock off “Moe knows” with pictures of Moe from the 3 stooges.

Monday Night Pregame

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:39:49 GMT

Thought #1 – Tom Brady got told to take his skirt off this weekend and I have to agree. Brady whined his way into getting two horrible rougher the passer penalties in their defeat of the Ravens yesterday. Now, granted those penalties didn’t turn Mark Clayton’s hands to stone, and Brady didn’t make up the rule (although he darn sure was part of the reason for it’s creation.) but Brady did a great impression of the kid from your neighborhood who calls carrying the ball or illegal screens during pick up basketball games. You know that kid, he causes encroachment penalties when you go throw the football around at Thanksgiving and takes a walk during softball games at picnics. This is also the kid from school who always reminded the teacher that she left some of the spelling words on the board just as she was about to pass out the spelling test. I hate that kid. You hate that kid. Well that was Brady yesterday, “Ref, ref, isn’t that a penalty? I mean that guy almost touched me and it clearly states in the new NFL rules, Tom Brady shall not be touched.” I know you didn’t make the rule, but you didn’t have be the whistle blower. Tom, you are not invited to my picnic.

Thought #2 – The Manning brothers are awesome, although Eli’s flaw is that I drafted him on my fantasy league team. For that he is now suffering from some strange random, Travis Williams- esque injury to his heal.

Thought #3- Not only are the Browns always on a quest to find new interesting ways to lose games, they also find new interesting ways to stay in the news. This week stars the highly overrated Braylon Edwards who spent his evening, following his catchless performance in the Browns’ tanking against the Bengals, punching one of Lebron James’s friends in the eye. Apparently there is a little jealousy there. Perhaps it’s the whole successful highly drafted athlete verses a highly drafted bust? Nice to see Braylon attempt to drag Cleveland’s one bright spot into the trailor park of suckyness that the Browns and Indians are living in. All I know is that if I’m Lebron, I would strongly consider getting out of Cleveland before it rubbed off on me. That Drew Carey shaped stain is hard to scrub out.

Thought #4 – Tony Romo apparently has not played any Madden over the past 10 years. If he had, he would know you don’t through at Champ Baily. Can we officially go ahead and say the Cowboys aren’t that good? Can we finally say that Romo is just average on most days? Why are we so hesitant to do this? And why hasn’t he started dating someone really hot so I have someone to gawk at between plays?

Thought #5 – The Broncos are good, but really played anyone good yet. Granted they held the Cowboys running game down fairly well, but they were pretty injury hampered. It will be interesting to see how they new over the next few games.

Thought #6 – Still need more suggestions for shoes. Suggestions for bests: The Space Jam Jordans and the original Penny’s. Worst: Shawn Kemp’s and the Kobe Potato loafers.

Thought #7 – I think Rogers has a nice tonight and Favre goes a little gunslinger on himself. If the Packers can even slightly contain Peterson they should have a decent shot. I like the Packers in a close one, but it should be interesting.

Update: So Bret did go gunslinger, Rogers played good too, but unfortunately no one informed the Packers O-line as to the their job expectations. I’m guessing they just skimmed that whole blocking section of the contract. 8 sacks? 4.5 by Allen alone? Geez.

Sunday Morning coming down.

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:36:23 GMT

Thought #1 – Chicago should be very thankful they got passed up for the 2016 Olympics. I mean did you really want to have to deal with all the construction, traffic, and confused foreigners that go along with hosting the event? Would it really be worth all that time and money just to have a chance to watch sweet Rhythmic Gymnastics or Badminton in person? Let’s be honest with ourselves at this point the Olympics are kind of like that yearly family reunion. You know when you were a kid it was fun, you hung out with your cousins, played whiffle ball, and pounded tomato sandwiches like it was your job. Now you still go because you think you should, kind of sit around, talk about who is doing what, kind of poke around at the “new” casserole recipe your grandma saw on the cooking network (which actually just looks like noodles and mayonnaise), and then start the countdown in your mind as to when you can officially make your exit without seeming like a jerk. That’s the Olympics today. We all feel compelled to turn on the t.v., watch a few events, drink coke from the special multi-national coke bottle, and try to talk ourselves into caring about how we do as a country. But let’s be honest, that mental countdown is rolling the whole time and we secretly can’t wait until we no longer have to sit through swimming highlights on Sports Center just to catch the baseball scores. Now, just like that family reunion, we’re always going to show up, smile, maybe even take a few swings with the whiffle ball bat for old times sake, but the last thing you want to do is host that beast. The last thing you want is to have to sit and wait for that one uncle with no sense of time to finally stop rambling about how much Jimmy Dean sausage has changed since he was a kid and go home. Yeah, like I said, you’re welcome Chicago.

Thought #2 – All the people who think there was a conspiracy against the U.S. need to go look at some pictures of Rio in the summer and compare them with Chicago. I love Chicago, but seriously just compare them.

Thought #3 – So, how do you get a professional football team pumped up for a big game? Well if you’re Rex Ryan you show the most gruesome clips from UFC fights you can find and then make references to wearing down Drew Brees. Awesome, I can’t wait to watch this game. Somebodies going to get cauliflower ear, I can feel it.

Thought #4 – Despite what looked like a slow College football day on paper yesterday, there were a few really good games. LSU-GA was classic, Mich and Mich St. was nice, Miami surprised me with their defense really stepping up against Oklahoma, and on a personal level, Va. Tech finally woke up towards the end of their game, realized they were playing Duke, and went on to disappoint the tens of fans who were their hoping for an upset. Oh, and Notre Dame barely beat another unranked team and was treated as if it was the biggest win of the weekend by the media. I love Rudy, but I hate the Irish.

Today’s Picks: Jets over Saints, Ravens over Pats, Denver over Dallas, and Pitt over San Diego. Washington and Tennessee both really need wins, not sure either will get them and I think the Lions will put up a decent fight against the Bears. Should be a good day.

More later…..

Update:

Even though the Ravens lost, I find myself really like Joe Flacco. Not because he’s turning into a stud quarterback, which he is, but because he reminds me of Shane Falco, which reminds me of Orlando Jones, which reminds me of those sweet 7-Up commercials. Thank you Joe Flacco, thank you.

Saturday Quick thoughts

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:33:34 GMT

Thought #1 – Earlier today it was reported that ESPN’s Erin Andrews has a stalker and the police know who it is. Now hold on, breathe easy fellas, they already caught the guy. If you just went into panic mode wondering if the feds are onto your paper trail of Axe sprayed love letters you’ve been sending over the past 5 years, I apologize for the scare. But seriously, is there a better dream girl than Erin? I mean she is absolutely smoking and a college football reporter. I mean unless the character from “My Boys” comes to life (which by the way, is a pretty decent show even if it is a TBS production.) I’m pretty sure unless she comes to life, Erin is the full embodiment of the sports’ fan’s dream girl. Now I’m not saying it’s cool to start trailing her around town with binoculars and a high powered camera. Or to start randomly showing up at hotels where she is staying and leaving little stuffed mascots and musical Hallmark cards outside her door. Just be careful guys, its a slippery slope from cute love sick guy to creepyster hide in the bushes outside your window at nice stalker guy.

Thought #2 – For all the ladies who think it’s ridiculous for us to all drool over Erin, you do the same crap with Kirk Herbstreit, just with less Axe.

Thought #3 – Is there cooler trophy than the Paul Bunyan Axe the winner of the Wisconsin vs. Minnesota game gets? That thing is massive. More games need cool trophies. The Axe is awesome and far superior to the cheese and fruit tray the winner of the UVA-UNC game will receive.

Thought #4 – By now you’ve probably heard all the disgusting stories of how workers at the cryonics clinic in Arizona played baseball with the frozen head of Ted Williams. The workers apparently took a wrench to Ted’s head, which was removed from his body. Absolutely one of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard of. What kind of people do this? Then again what kind of people get jobs at a facility in the desert, with the intent of freezing bodies to bring back to life in the future? And after you have that job, how do you ever apply for a normal job. How do you explain to a potential employer that you left your last job because you failed to bring the dead back to life? Also, whose paying for all this crap? And why isn’t that money going to something more sensible, like umm the living? Listen, I’m not sure exactly how Hell works, but I’ve got to think there is a special room there for people who go Saw on dead bodies. Until then, I really hope Ted Williams’ ghost haunted the crap out of these people.

Thought #5 – LSU over GA, Ok over Miami, could be a very long day for Harris and Landry could go off. Also, USC will step it up against Cal I believe. I would hope otherwise but they already had their token in conference lose.

Thought #6 – Are there any better names for Quarterbacks that play in the state of Oklahoma or Texas than Colt, Sam, and Landry? You give your kid a name like that, and they almost have to live up to it. I’m sure it started when they were young too, you show up at the first day of pee wee with a name like that and you’re getting the red jersey. Meanwhile if you have any sort of hyphen in your name, you know, Jimmy-John, Billy-Bob, John-Henry, you’d better be good at two things, eating and blocking. Of course if your name sounds foreign at all, they are probably just going to hand you the kicking tee, sorry. But hey, you’ll probably get to go home early.

Back Porch Podcast Oct. 1

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:30:33 GMT

Miami is apparently now a state! Opps.

BACK PORCH PODCAST 10-1

Extra thoughts.

#1- It’s probably for the best that Vick’s shoes aren’t getting made. I’m be informed it’s far too soon to start making jokes about whether or not they will have laces, or if they will have his name and inmate number hidden somewhere on them, or if can we can get ankle straps that look like cuffs on the high top version. Just too soon.

By the way. Need your thoughts: Best Athlete endorsed shoe ever and worst.

#2- Big Baby loves Shaq, fact. Big Baby is taking MMA classes, fact. Therefore is it reasonable to expect Sega to produce a Big Baby-Fu game? Please say yes.

Tatoos are cool.

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:27:37 GMT

Thought #1- I’ve always thought if you are going to get a tattoo, you’d best have a sweet story to go with it. You know, spend solid couple of minutes explaining your ink rather than being like guy that’s like, “uh, Fords rule, Chevy sucks! H-yeah that’s why I got Calvin pisses on em.” Or maybe worse that sorority girl who picks a random butterfly off those sketchy display charts, gets it putt on her side and spends the next 4 years watching it grow into a blurry mess that resembling some sort of flying saucer. Deshawn Stevenson is right there with me on this and his new tat has a great story, its call the Civil War. Deshawn broke out the Abe Lincoln neck tattoo this week at one of the preseason press conferences. As far as ink goes, that’s a pretty tough act to follow. I guess if Lebron drops a Teddy Roosevelt on his calve, or AI gets a scenic Jefferson standing in front of Monticello across his back, that could give it a run, but so far Deshawn’s got this award on lock down.

Thought #2- There three things that I will never buy into no matter how much T.V. tries to convince me I should. Snuggies, The Tyler Perry Show, and the WNBA. Apparently I’m not alone in the latter. Last night Phoenix beat Indiana in game one of the WNBA finals, not really that important. What is important is that only 7,200 people attending that game, which normally wouldn’t be horrible except for the fact that Steve Kerr purchased and tried to give away 7,000 tickets on his own. I mean really, you can’t even give away a ticket to this game on a random Tuesday night. People are like, ah exciting basketball below the rim or catch up on whatever new awful series TNT is producing tonight. Hmm, well I do love Zach Morris, looks like Raising the Bar is getting a few new fans for the night. I’m just saying, it’s been well over 10 years now and this hasn’t caught on, might be time to cut bait and save a little on the light bill.

Thought #3 – I hope Obama fails to get the Olympics to come to Chicago. Granted the city could grow from the money, but one of the other places the Olympics could be held is Rio, which seems like it would be sweet. Then, on the other hand, maybe the Olympic committee is fearing that. I mean do you choose to lay on the beach, listen to some Buffet, and throw back margaritas all day or go watch freestyle dancing. Hmm, decisions decisions.

Thought #4 – Tim Tebow is reportedly looking good in his recovery efforts. He said this is the first time he remembers getting a concision, but then again how much can you trust the memory of a guy whose brain was so scrambled a few days ago he was telling people he wanted to be a dump truck when he grows up. Get well soon Timbo.

Thought #5 – Podcast #2. Planning on tomorrow night, which should give you something fun to do at work on Friday. Suggestions/thoughts/feedback welcome as always.

Thought#6 – Vick is not only back on the field, but he is also back with Nike. Sweet! Can I expect another sweet pair of cross-trainers? You know the kind that at first you think are really awesome and after about a week you realize unless you’re 10, there really aren’t that many places you can wear a pair of high tops with turf cleats and red and yellow lightning bolts down the sides. With that said, I can’t wait to get my pair.

Who wants to fight Herschel?

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:24:01 GMT

Thought #1 – Lots of retired players take up second careers. Some sell cars, some coach, and plenty try to do some form of T.V., whether it be sports related or just horrible sit-coms. *cough cough Micheal Strahan . Herschel Walker has decided to spend his golden years rolling around with other equally scary men and getting cauliflower ear. That’s right, Walker at the age of 47 is joining the UFC. While I’m not sure why he’s doing this, I am sure every time you see him for the next few years he’ll be rocking one of those hideous UFC tees with that crazy sideways print. Herschel’s always been an unconventional athlete, but jumping into the octagon with Kimbo Slice might be a bit much.

Thought#2 – Tweeter is apparently the new crack. Rex Ryan benched WR and yearly fantasy league sleeper David Clowney after he tweeted that he was slightly upset with his playing time but really happy with the team’s win. Ryan’s pretty old school so I’m not sure if he was offended by what Clowney said, or just scared by the new technology entering the locker room. I hear he might ban digital cameras this week for the fear that they suck in peoples souls. Seriously though, Rex you keep winning, and you can do whatever you want.

On the college side Texas Tech coach Mike Leach has completely banned his players from even having tweeter accounts. This after he found out that Marion Williams tweeted that Leach wasn’t present at a team meeting. Not smart dude. It’s one thing to tweet about sitting on your couch, what you’re cooking for dinner, or which Laguna Beach chick you think is hottest, but you can’t rag on your head coach. Leach thinks tweeter and facebook are “stupid” and insists if his players need attention he has plenty of graduate assistants that will sit and listen to them talk. I really hope Marion takes him up on this. Can’t you just see some poor G.A. trailing him around campus like one of those little “fun” guys from the Dave and Buster commercials, trying to jot down notes of, “Marion is walking to class.” Marion is eating popcorn chicken.” “Marion thinks ketchup and mayonnaise should come premixed in a combination called ketchupise.” It might be rough to be a player on a team with a coach that strict, but it’s got to be far worse to be a G.A. for him.

Thought #3 – The Angels officially made the playoffs last night and went nuts, as do many teams, turning the locker room into a frat house. That actually seemed kind of normal for baseball, but what seemed off was their attempt to honor the lose of teammate Nick Adenhart at the same time. I talked with the local sports radio host here and he referred to it as seeming weird to him and I completely agree. I mean it was pretty creepy and kind of left me in one of those nervous laughter type moods. I mean here is a reporter trying to interview a guy about his fallen teammate and halfway through the conversation he’s like,” umm yeah we really miss him, but I gotta run….keg stand wooo!!! It was just odd.

Thought#4- Raiders assistant coach Randy Hanson has officially told the police that Tom Cable did in fact break his jaw. The good new for the Raiders is that they are still cutting checks to the guy even though hes banned from having anything to do with the team, which is pretty consistent with their policy of paying people for doing absolutely nothing productive. Wonder if they can strike this same deal with JaMarcus? I’m not sure how all this will pan out, but really hope HBO does “Hard Knocks” in Oakland next year.

Monday feels 3 days long

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:21:13 GMT

Thought #1 – If there is one thing you didn’t want to be this weekend it was a quarterback in the state of Florida. Tampa’s Brian Leftwich was officially benched today meanwhile Miami’s Chad Pennington is most likely out for the season after wrecking his shoulder yesterday, although he will have a second opinion with the well known sports surgeon Dr. James Andrews. Kind of makes me wonder who he went to for the first opinion, some random intern at a Miami ER? I’m picturing Chad sitting in that waiting room, you know the one where ever chair has some sort of awkward stain on it, he’s sitting there staring at that token fish tank, trying to fight the urge to flip through Southern Living, just because it’s the only magazine that doesn’t look like a dog has chewed it up. At the same time he’s trying to avoid making eye contact with the extremely large lady and her extremely skinny husband whose hand is wrapped up thanks to an accident involving some combination of a weed eater, christmas lights, and beer. Yeah, a second opinion is a good call Chad.

On the college side, Tim Tebow got absolutely rocked in the 3rd quarter of the Kentucky game, leaving him able only to recite half of the book of Leviticus. Meanwhile the U’s Jecory Harris probably wishes he could use that excuse after only completing 9 passes and being sacked 3 times this weekend by the Hokies. Just a bad week to be under center in the sunshine state.

Thought #2 What Eric Mangini said, “Were going to start the guy who gives us the best chance to win.” What Eric Mangini meant, “Both these guys suck, I wish I had my old job as the film monkey for the Pats back.” Oh and by the way, Brady Quinn’s QB rating right now, 62.9. Might be time to spend less time on the ab rocker and more time watching film, just saying.

Thought #3 – T.O. kept it together yesterday…well for a while at least. After NBC’s Rodney Harrison referred to Owens as a clown, T.O. did what any real man does, he tweeted a very mean tweet. Check it out, he even used all those little tweeting grammar shortcuts

“I could less about Rodney Harrison! Anybody tht using steroids, yes STEROIDS rodney, is a cheater & cheated the game!
Is tht Y u used steroids b/c u were worried about ur stats or ws it b/c u were losing it? Lol! U’re a loser & a cheater? Got any steroids I cn borrow? Hey rodney! Send me sum steroids 2 the Bills facility next week!”

As for Harrison, he’s planning an official response just as soon as he can find a 12 year old girl to translate the lingo for him.

Thought #4 – Carolina needs tonight far more than Dallas does. I believe the NFC South is going to be a way harder division to win than the NFC East this season. The Saints are blazing and Falcons are legit, that’s going to be very tough for the Panthers to compete with down the stretch. Meanwhile, other than the Giants, the NFC East doesn’t have a stud team. Sure the Eagles are good right now, but we all know Westbrook and McNabb will randomly miss games all year, and you can’t play the Chiefs every week fellas. Likewise this is a far more crucial game for Jake Delhomme than Tony Romo.

Speaking of which, I need to quit typing and go watch the intros for the game. I’d hate to miss the smoked up entrance and I’m still hoping the WCW Nitro girls show up.

UPDATE: Tuesday Morning Quick Thoughts:

The Cowboys and the Panthers were both over hyped, and neither can win their division right now.

The Cowboys really miss having a legit #1 receiver and I really miss having Jessica Simpson to look at between plays rather than seeing Jerry Jones’s luxury box. Go pick up a U.S. weekly Tony and get to work picking out a new lady, preferably a brunette.

Either Colt McCoy or Sam Bradford should be living in Charlotte this time next year.

Sunday Evening

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:19:03 GMT

Thought #1 – For all those people who think Jim Zorn is not on the hot seat, they might want to check out the blisters forming on the dude’s butt cheeks after today’s lost to the Lions. After the game Zorn mentioned that he didn’t really think about the fact that the Lions had not won a game in over a year. Riiiiight. Well Jim, you might not have been thinking about it, but I’ll tell you who was, every single Skins fan. Nothing about this is going to sit well in Washington and neither is Zorn. You can’t go out and barely beat St. Louis and then break the Lions 19 game skid in the same season and not have your job on the line. Be careful Jim, those wind pants probably aren’t going to provide much comfort in your seat, in fact, their is a good chance they are melting as we speak and smell like a combo of old Chinese food and feet.

Thought #2 – When you’re season looks rough, you’re starting QB goes down, and you’re defense is constantly under achieving, what is the won thing you can do to completely redeem yourself? Break out some highlighter colored unis. Actually this is pretty brilliant. Think about it, you know you can’t possibly win with Seneca Wallace under center so instead of have your fan base see an embarrassing game, you go Oregon Ducks on yourselves and make it so that anyone who tunes in’s retinas are instantly burnt. Good thinking.

Thought#3 – I’m expecting the Redskins to wear a hideous shade of highlighter yellow next week.

Thought#4 – I watched a lot of football this weekend. I’m a fan, that’s what I do. Ozzie Guillen apparently does not share this same sentiment. Following a Sox lose, Ozzie went off to the media about his players watching “bleeping” football in the clubhouse. He scolding them for not caring and told them to get another job if that is how little they cared. Dear lord, it’s a good thing he didn’t catch Jermaine Dye texting or Konerko hitting up the PSP, good chance the Oz would have straight murdered them. What is it about having the name Ozzie that makes people act so nuts? It’s almost like it’s their personal burden to have to act ridiculous on a regular basis. They just wake up on a random Thursday and think, dag I haven’t flipped crap on anyone this week, guess today’s the day. Oh well, blaaahhhh I hate football!

Thought #5 -Quick NFL thoughts.

Who impressed:

The Pats run game, Fred Taylor broke out for over a century, which was much needed to beat Atlanta.

Also, Bret Favre is still Bret Favre and despite the fact I hate Wrangler jeans and everything they stand for, I dig Bret.

The Ravens are legit and have somehow brought Willis McGahee back from the dead.

Jacksonville. Once again, they fly under the radar and get a big win.

Who sucked:

T.O. – Held without a catch against New Orleans today. Makes you wonder how long Buffalo will put up with a non producing drama queen. I mean it’s like dating a stupid hot girl. You can put up with it until the looks start to fade, but then having to explain to her why there are buffalo wings, but she never sees any of them flying gets kind of old. By the way, pretty sure that was the hat from Caddyshack that you get the free bowl of soup with.

Marc Bulger – Got knock out of a game for like the 12th season in a row.

Pierre Thomas – Wait, but he had a great game right? Yeah, well thanks for telling me you were going to do that Pierre, had you on my fantasy league bench. And yes it is all about me and my team.

A good Saturday for me.

Fri, 16 Oct, 2009 12:16:58 GMT

Thought #1- Tech showed up. They actually looked like classic Va. Tech for the first time this season. The biggest reason, they went into attack mode. Far too often over the past few years Foster’s defense has laid back, rushed only the down linemen, and attempted to pick off passes. Today they actually got after it. They did what no one else has done this season, they put Jacory Harris on his butt. Offensively, they were solid. When they ran, they ran north-south, and when they passed, it actually looked like Tyrod was making decent reads. This attitude carried over to the special teams allowing them to block one punt, but more importantly, they looked like they made legit efforts to block several others, rather than try for a big return. That’s Hokie football and that resulted in a touchdown. If they keep playing like this, I have a hard time seeing anyone else beat them this year.

Thought #2 – Miami was over ranked. Part of this is the media frenzy that goes into a giddy frenzy every time a Miami, Notre Dame, or Penn State start to look semi decent. Hence ESPN running constant promos about the “U” being back. Might want to wait awhile on that one fellas. The other part is the fact that Miami is this year’s ECU. There is always a team during the first few games of the season that starts off hot, kills it their first few games, and jumps through the polls like crazy. That’s Miami. What happens is after a few games other teams get enough game film on them to discover their weakness and beat their tails. Another good reason to not have polls until the 5th week of the season or so.

Thought #3- The only bad part of the game today for me was having to see Donna Shalala on my T.V. I mean seriously, I feel like I should be paying her a toll to cross a bridge or something. If it wasn’t enough that she is absolutely crazy, she also makes me think about all those nightmares I had about trolls as a child after I watched Ernest Scared Stupid. Freaking creepy. I mean the least she could do is mix in some pink hair that stands straight up and be one of those happy trolls girls used buy. I really hope I can get to sleep tonight.

Thought #4- Cal got rolled on by Oregon proving once again that none of us really watch Pac-10 football enough to have any idea who is good or bad in that conference. Every year we just kind of guess USC will be awesome and assume some other random team out of that conference will be decent. The most impressive thing about this game though, was that Oregon actually wore semi decent looking uniforms. Thank the lord they finally ditched the metal shoulder pad or wings look. Just because you have the money to wear a gazillion different types of ugly unis, doesn’t mean you should.

Thought #5 – Al Davis is not only very greasy, he also is one of the grumpiest old men alive. The Raiders have reportedly attempted to ban former QB Rich Gannon from calling their games. The Raiders attempted to ban Gannon, who now works for CBS, from attending Saturdays production meeting at the stadium due to his recent criticism of the organization. Listen Al, if you’re going to ban every analyst who is critical of how you’ve buried that franchise, you’re going to have a tough time finding anyone to call the games. You need to spend less time worrying about whose calling your games and more time worrying about why you’re paying a guy to play quarterback who, as we speak, just put a bookmark in the Cat in the Hat. (Don’t worry JaMarcus promised to finish it this week and says he is excited to find out if there’s going to be a plot twist in the end.) I’m pretty sure it’s time for you to spend less time screwing up that team and more time thinking about your decision to wear those velvet work out suits. But I guess if you really don’t want Gannon there, you can always ask Tom Cable to go Mike Tyson on him.

Thought #6 – Coye Francies doesn’t like to be picked on. The Brown’s rookie cornerback went off on his teammates after being pranked earlier this week, throwing a bucket of ice and taking some swings at folks in the locker room. Now I know I’ve never been an NFL rookie but if there’s one thing I learned as a freshman in high school it’s that you just gotta suck it up when it comes to that freshman initiation. You get pissed and you’re on a one way street towards a year of frozen underwear, super glue in your jock strap, and possibly waking up at camp with some sort of dead animal in your bed. So good luck getting untaped from that goal post and be sure not to leave your lunch tray unattended.

Thought #7 – Check out the pod cast, it’s the pilot so it’s a little rough but thoughts and feedback would be awesome.